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Dying in Style
by Audrey J. Parker

Dying in Style

In 2016, after living with chronic, debilitating pain for two years, I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma—stage-4 breast cancer that had metastasized in most of my skeleton. It was the disease that would claim my life.

For some reason, I remained calm when I received my terminal diagnosis. I felt from that very moment that it was senseless to panic over something I had no control over. I was relieved to finally know what was wrong with me. Instead of being afraid or feeling sorry for myself, I leaned in to my new path in life, determined to make the most of it.

I have always liked to do things well and to the best of my ability, so I took my death on as a project. All I wanted was to have a fabulous end-of-life experience on my terms and to die in style. After all, death is natural and can be a beautiful thing if we allow it to be.

Some people speculate about what they would do if they knew when they were going to die. It’s not hypothetical for me. For a while now, I’ve known the exact day when I’m going to die, because I’ve elected medically assisted death to cut off the greatest pain and worst quality of life that would be inevitable if I lingered. My pre-planned exit is coming up very soon. I’m unable to leave my bed in my apartment now, and this bed will be my deathbed.

Despite the pain, suffering, and other negative things that have accompanied the process of my dying, I still believe that my last breath will be the most peaceful and beautiful breath of my life. I believe everyone holds the key to their own personal happiness. No matter how dire your circumstances, you control your mindset, attitude, and how you handle things. It is entirely up to you whether you take a positive or negative approach to life (and death).

I did exactly what most people imagine they would do when confronted with their own death. I chose several bucket list items and brought them to fruition. I traveled to Paris, I took my eldest twin granddaughters on a trip to Mexico, and I finished my book. I learned that accomplishing things late in life feels so rewarding.

But my intention was to live my best life every day until my last breath, in both big ways and small ways. So far, that’s what I’ve done.

If my positive approach to death acts as a spark to help others become less afraid of their own death, I’ll be incredibly proud.

What I Did Right

Looking back over the last months of my life, several choices have helped me focus on what matters most during my dwindling time on earth.

Taking Charge

When I got my terminal diagnosis, I coped by taking control of everything I could.

I remained calm.
I made peace with my death.
I purged my home and organized my closets.
I purchased things that would be useful when I became bedridden.
I prepared a will.
I wrote my obituary.
I assembled a team of friends to help me as my health worsened and to take care of my affairs after I’m gone.
By doing these things, I decluttered both my life and my mind. I began to feel peaceful, happy, and more powerful than I ever did during my earlier lifetime. I took charge of every single detail of my life that I could, and by doing so I avoided feeling like a victim.

Being Positive

My positive attitude has always been my secret weapon. It’s served me well throughout my life, and it’s been even more valuable in the past two years. I know I would have missed out on many fabulous experiences had I taken the negative route and cried, “Woe is me.”

I have made sure my mindset was positive before I got out of bed each day. I have avoided negative conversations with others. And I have avoided negative conversations with myself about myself. This has impacted my life significantly. I began to notice how critical I was to myself, and I worked hard to shut that down. This has enabled me to live in the moment and avoid borrowing trouble. If you think about it, our fears rarely come to fruition, so why do we spend so much of our precious life worrying and stressing over things that will never happen?

I have removed all toxicity and negativity from my world. From the start, anyone who was constantly negative toward me or others was no longer welcome in my life. It didn’t matter if they were friends or family. Maintaining a positive environment was paramount to my daily happiness.

Do you feel you have no control over your life? That you are continually unlucky? Or do you try to find solutions and get over life’s hiccups quickly? I chose the latter. To me, taking the negative approach was saying to the universe, “I’m powerless.”

I never wanted to feel powerless, so I chose to be happy instead. If your life feels like it’s falling apart, maybe you’ve just lost someone, or you just received a terrible diagnosis, I understand that it seems unfathomable that you could become happy. But I’m here to tell you that it is possible. I have found happiness in the worst situation. So can you.

Living Well

Today, personal success is often judged by how much money we amass, what we drive, the value of our home, or how we’ve been able to keep up with those around us. But I see things differently now.

What has become most important to me are the meaningful friendships I cultivated over the years. I spent a lifetime searching for my people. Today, I am more grateful than ever that I found them. It’s people, not possessions that matter.

Celebrating and having fun with others on joyful occasions gives me great joy. So after I got sick, I continued to socialize every chance I got, for as long as I was able. Those gatherings became even more important to me. Even though getting dressed to go out took nearly all my energy, I did it anyway. I went to black-tie events, balls, fashion shows, parties, weddings—you name it. I might have had to carry a cane or push a walker, but I didn’t let that stop me.

Being socially active helped me feel I was living well. Prioritizing quality of life was the right choice for me. It’s the right choice for all of us, because no one knows the quantity of life remaining. Those gatherings made me smile at times when people who didn’t really know me expected to see sadness on my face.

Helping Others

Even nearing the end of my life, I discovered it was possible to find a cause I believed in and to become a force for good. For example, I found meaningful volunteer work with our local hospice, where I became a spokesperson. I even helped make recommendations for décor for each of the bedrooms in the new hospice that will open after I am gone. Helping others took my mind off my situation. More importantly, it helped me feel useful and still part of my community.

I have learned volunteering is something everyone should do because it contributes to personal happiness. Find something, someone, or a cause that you believe in and be a spark! Especially if you are in a season of feeling sorry for yourself. Volunteering is a great way to crawl out of that hole.

Through this journey, I never dreamt that I would become an advocate at the very end of my life. But that is what happens when we open up ourselves in service to others. Through this journey I have learned much about the medical assistance in dying laws here in Canada, and some of the changes that need to occur, and have become outspoken about necessary positive changes. I’m dying anyway, so I might as well make my death stand for something important. That’s how I choose to see it.

Using my experience with death to impact others who come after me is a blessing and a gift. Knowing my life will impact others makes it feel more worth it somehow. Deciding to live for others is a decision each of us can make today.

Planning for the End

Our first breath gives us life, but our last one honors a lifetime. Therefore, as my friends and family got more comfortable talking about my death, I opened up a dialogue about my send-off. Knowing what my Celebration of Life (we never refer to it as a funeral) will be like gives me joy as I approach the end. And I’m sure it’s going to be a comfort for my family and friends to know they’re honoring me after my death exactly as I wanted.

So, what’s it going to be like? I have always loved fashion and finery, so I have themed my Celebration of Life after the styles of my favorite designer, Coco Chanel. I have three musicians performing my final send-off song, “Mustang Sally.” Prosecco and chocolate-dipped strawberries will be served at my after-party.

I urge you to have these conversations with your loved ones. They may be difficult and uncomfortable. But they will, in due time, give you joy and give them much needed comfort.

Joy Amid the Sorrow
I’ve given a lot of thought to my beliefs. No one truly knows if our lives are predestined or not, or if we have any influence on our life’s journey, but I do think the degree of happiness with which we go through life is up to us. Of all the things we can control in life, this is the most important.

How many people on their deathbed can say they truly have had a happy life—and still are having one? I can. Excluding my constant fight with pain management, I have remained remarkably happy every day since my diagnosis. I chose that. In fact, my last few years can only be described as joyous! Today, only days before my passing, I’m living proof that if you choose to be happy and set your life up to create happiness, you will be happy. This is my hope for every one of my friends and my hope for each of you. Take control of your happiness.

Now, let’s be fully truthful. Throughout my end-of-life journey, people have marvelled at how comfortable I am with dying—but I won’t leave without sadness. It’s always hard to say goodbye. It’s so much better, though, to say goodbye in just the way you want. So that is what I will do.

Until we meet again, I leave you with a simple message, “Be kind…just because you can.”

Love,
Aud

When you are holding vigil for a person that has entered the active dying phase of their end of life, how do you create the right environment?

It depends on the person's end of life wishes, but we generally want to create a calm and respectful environment. Consider the furniture, using blankets and curtains, flameless candles, incense, or an aromatherapy diffuser.

How else might we create a good environment for the vigil process?

The final phase of life, active dying, is a deeply profound and sacred journey. It's a time when compassionate support becomes invaluable. An end of life doula can provide practical guidance, emotional support, and companionship for everyone involved during this tender stage.

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Did you know that in Australia, it is entirely legal and safe, with the proper support, to care for your person's deceased body at home after their death? Did you know that you could have a natural burial?

As end of life or death doulas, we can provide this kind of information and support to those we work with. We can provide the information, tools and resources they need to have a more holistic end of life experience that meets their values and preferences.

Nick Cave on the Fragility of Life The singer-songwriter believes that we are deeply flawed, impermanent creatures who can sometimes do extraordinary things.

As end of life doulas, we often support those who love and care for someone who is approaching end of life. There are times that we have more to do with the family and others supporting the person who is at the end of their life. The reason is that most people don't know what the end of life looks like anymore.

Our role is to share and educate people on the steps, stages, and overall journey they are all on together and bring heart, support and comfortability to that experience.

For instance, in Australia, the loss of a parent is often a person's first experience with end of life. So, there is a significant amount of education that a person often gains in a short period.

People often need to quickly learn and understand:

⭐What the natural, organic process of end of life is and can involve
⭐What options are available to them to best care for their person
⭐How to take care of themselves and each other
⭐How to set themselves up to have the gentlest bereavement experience possible.
⭐How to navigate the inevitable grief and loss

Our work then becomes about helping people become comfortable with the end of life so they can support their families and others.

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It is the circle of life.

Just as birth doulas assist the precious start of this life, end of life doulas provide support at the end.

We acknowledge and recognise the 'circle of life' and that the end of life is one of the chapters of life. It is not the enemy or opposite of life, not something to be denied, kept at bay, or something that we can wish away. It comes to us all.

People have the right to plan for their end of life and have their preferences met; we are here to facilitate that. We are companions, advocates, and educators for those advancing in age or living with a diagnosis and those close to them.

Holding space is about accompanying a person on their road travelled.

We empower, do not judge, don't try to fix them, or try to impact the outcome. Holding space is being fully present for another and what they need. Championing a person and those close to them in a challenging time is a precious gift to give and receive.

Bittersweet

Someone asked me…”What is life like for you after your loss?” I could think of so many answers to that question…but only one word came to mind.

Bittersweet.

Life after loss is all about finding your way in a world that looks completely different from the one you lived in before your loss. It’s trying to navigate your way through a maze of confusion, sorrow, emptiness…and fear.

Sure…my life is good…but there are still so many detours and roadblocks…that I sometimes wonder how I continue to find my way.

My days are mostly happy…but they continue to be tinged with an underlying sadness that I know is attached to my loss. Times like when I celebrated the first birthday when I turned a year older than my spouse was when he died. Somehow that made me feel really sad.

Here’s the thing…it didn’t seem fair that I was getting to live longer.

Everyone is singing ‘Happy Birthday’ and celebrating my life…and all I can think about is how it isn’t fair I should be gifted with an ‘extra’ year of life.

Visiting a place we always loved…watching a movie we enjoyed…or eating dinner at our favorite restaurant. Doing these things alone is a mixture of joy and grief.

Everything becomes forever bittersweet.

Since my loss…life for me is a delicate dance between accepting the happiness I’m fortunate enough to be blessed with…and learning to live with the memories of what no longer exists.

Gary Sturgis - “Surviving Grief”

The term "doula" comes from the Greek word meaning "person of service." Whilst many cultures worldwide have a long tradition of engaging an end of life or death doula to support a person dying, in Australia, it is an emerging role.

At Preparing the Way, we see, over and over, the difference it makes for an individual or a family to know there's someone there supporting them. Someone that has their back and listens to what is important to them, understands what is going on, and has no other interest than being of service. Being of service as an end of life doula isn't always about doing; sometimes, it's about being there with non-judgemental and loving support.

The world you live in, including the experiences of your body, is completely dictated by how you learn to perceive it. If you change your perception you change the experience of your body and your world.

How can we help family members, carers and those that love someone who is actively dying "be" with that person?
Some people may want to remember someone "as they were when they were well’, and may not visit. Often, people don’t understand what is happening and this causes fear.
However, to those that do want to spend some time, they may feel awkward around what they "should" do or what is "appropriate" or even "ok".
You can invite and encourage them to...
✨ Touch their person gently and speak softly to them
✨ Always say hello and goodbye
✨ Tell them what you are doing if it impacts them
✨ We know hearing is the last sense to go so talk to them about something that is of meaning to them
✨ Read to them
✨ Play them music you know they enjoy
✨ Enjoy quiet time for reflection on memories
✨ Interact with them as you would normally even if they do not respond
✨ Just sit quietly and ‘be’ with them – no need to speak or ‘do’ anything
✨ Interact with them as you would normally even if they do not respond
Simply reminding them that their person is alive right up to when they breath out their last breath can sometimes be help enough – to encourage their love to guide them. There are no right or wrongs. Let love guide you ❤️

Welcome Home
·
After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.”
The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my Mother, who has been a widow for 19 years. The demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. “What’s wrong, are you well?” she asked.
My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you”, I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.”
That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an Angel’s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed, “she said, as she got into the car. “They can’t wait to hear about our meeting.”
We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation – nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed.
“How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home.
“Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered.
A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack.
It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her.
Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, Son.”
At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I LOVE YOU” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till “some other time.”
♡ ♥ Written by Stephen on October 14th, 2008

How we think about death impacts how we live.
An awareness of individual mortality not only improves our immediate physical and mental health, but it can help us improve the collective health of our communities as well.
Dying isn’t just part of the human condition, but central to it. Everyone dies, yet most of us are afraid of it. Becoming death comfortable as a society not only allows us to support those approaching end of life better, but it allows us to view our own approach with the right amount of clarity and calm.

Death is one of life's inevitable events. Even so, few plan for it in the way it deserves.

We spend so much time planning weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, retirement and vacations. And we hire event planners to help us and guide us through the process, to help us think of things we may have forgotten, to give us options and support us to have the smoothest event possible.

So why don’t we treat death the same way?

As death doulas, we act as a companion, an advocate and an educator for the dying and their families as they approach end of life. We provide them with a level of support, guidance, companionship and control that is necessary for them to adequately plan for their end of life care, their deaths and for their bereavement.

An end of life doula is - in many ways - the ultimate event planner, supporting the family or those close to them to identify their preferences, choices and support them in fulfilling them.

People need and deserve support when they’re approaching the end of life.

The situations surrounding how someone may be approaching death are varied. It may be advanced age, or it might be a diagnosis of illness or something more traumatic or sudden.

This is why the role of an end of life doula is so important.

Death can be overwhelming in a range of ways, but the biggest overwhelm comes from lack of understanding. And as end of life doulas, it is our job to provide that understanding as best we can. To provide clarity surrounding options. To be that person who can accompany someone, who is death comfortable in the face of any situation, and provide much needed support, information and options.

To be that person who can bring calm to an often very difficult situation, through understanding but most importantly knowledge.

At Preparing the Way, it is our dream to have doulas anywhere people are dying or are in serious life transitions so as to support them with as much knowledge and as much clarity and choice as possible. And to show people that planning and making decisions about the end of your life can actually be a really positive experience!

Not talking about death doesn’t help.

It just doesn’t.

The truth of the matter is, many of us don’t experience a significant death in our lives until much later in years.

In generations past, participating in death - much like birth - was just another part of our traditional community and familial obligation. And we did so gladly. We welcomed the traditions and rituals that bound us to the passing of time, because they gave way to how we would greet and educate the generations to come.

When our time came, we’d understand the process. The rituals. The traditions. We understood what support and assistance the dying and their families needed from us.

These days, the majority of us are so far removed from death culture and traditions that by the time we first experience it, we have little to no resources at our disposal to help us cope!

A death doula - in a way - is a link to this forgotten past. It is a way that the beauty and the peace of death can be embraced by our communities once again through support, guidance, and by bringing death back to the home

Knowledge is power. And empowering families is one way in which End of Life doulas can make a real difference to the world.

As end of life doulas, we know how much life there can be in death.

There can be so much beauty.

So much healing.

So much laughter.

So much quiet and stillness.

So much peace. So much love.

But as end of life doulas, we also know that not everyone has this experience. And that is why we're called to this work. We want to make a difference to everyone who is approaching end of life. We want to see every person honoured, respected and gifted with the freedoms to make their own end of life decisions with dignity and peace, guided by someone who walks beside them - truly impartially - with their best wishes at heart.

Just as when a new life enters the world it is cherished, honoured and celebrated, so too should one leaving.

Whether you’re curious about the role of an End of Life Doula, feel called to help others, or want to enhance your end of life care skills, at Preparing the Way we give you the training you need to become an accredited End of Life Doula.

Curious about our training? We’d love to hear from you! Follow this link now and let’s chat about how you can start making a difference in our world.

The people who feel called to serve those at the end of life come from varied backgrounds.

Some have experienced negative death scenarios, some have worked in death-adjacent industries, some have previous or current roles as nurses or allied health practitioners, and some come with no clinical experience whatsoever. All are passionate about changing death care in Australia.

There are many others however who come to learn end of life skills so they can better support their own religious or ethnic communities. People whose own cultural traditions have perhaps been severely underrepresented and under accommodated in the mainstream Australian death industry in the past, and they're looking to change that.

The role of an End of Life Doula is far greater than simply providing companionship to someone who is in their final stages of life. It is also in part about supporting their families (and sometimes wider communities) transition to a new normal, post death. Without adequate and educated support, there are many community groups that struggle with this process, however we’re glad to say that we do see the tide changing.

If you’re from a cultural or religious group in Australia or New Zealand and have felt largely ignored by the mainstream death industry, we’d love to hear your thoughts! What would you like to see change for the better so you and your community can be better supported in the future?

Let us know in the comments below!