Shortcuts to Spiritual Enlightenment

It was tough work, but we finally re-claimed the tattoo from various lower Chakra dwellers:

Previously, the tattoo was a useful indicator of impending hospitalisation.

You were usually dealing with someone who would knock you unconscious with a bar stool and then use it to anally pe*****te you before emptying your pockets and having a go on the fruity.

Meanwhile, meeting a GIRL with a tattoo was like getting a free pass to Disneyland... if it was full of sk**ks.

But NOW you pick up a woman with a load of wild designs and lotus petal stamps, just to discover the only thing she’s going to blow is a frangipani tea light.

Don't you hate it when you summon the archangels, the holy spirit, kali, ganesha, thoth and all the ancient ninjas from your soul lineages and then stupid entities turn up uninvited like "hey, Whatcha doing? Can I please.." NOOOOOO!! You cannot! F**k off back to the 10th dimension you turd!!

Inside of us are two wolves;

One is anger, lust, fear, depression, anxiety, resentment, guilt, arrogance.

The other one is compassion, happiness, truth, emapthy, trust, kindness, love, peace.

Which wolf wins?
.....the one with fricken laser beams for eyes that cuts up and spits out everything that gets in the way of their wolfy destiny!!

I've just completed a vipasana, a 28 day silent retreat.

I can't say too much but it was followed by a silent Q&A session with the facilitators. To celebrate we all went to see a silent film before we let our hair down and headed to the silent disco!
.. No words.

So instead of going to work yesterday I sat under a big tree and I became the tree and the tree became me. This morning I got fired which has dissolved all my work related stress issues. Nature has the answers.

We have a profound question from one of our resident jedi knights, Helen.

"Hi there. I have noticed increasing comment on social media about how we are not really here, that it is an optical illusion, we don't exist etc. Are we all on an episode of Lost'?"

***

Hahahaha! Thankyou muchly for your post Helen. Profound.

Here are my initial thoughts;

Indeed we are just a cloud of elusive quantum fairy dust, endowed with consciousness, but to say that the quantum fairy dust isnt really there is to say that the level of consciousness of the witness (the ones who to you refer) are unable to interpret the dust.

Everything is a frequency, which is vibration within space time duality. The larger the wave length the denser the body, but inversely, matter can also oscillate so fast that it can in fact fluctuate in and out of our primitive field of awareness, beyond the reach of our 5 senses into a more subtle realm. Where us enlightened ones can still have complete tangible influence but the not so lucky temporarily disintegrate.

My hypothesis is that these people are ma********ng so hard and fast that they actually vibrate out of their own physical manifestations into what I call 'The Wa**er Field' where they are unable to discern reality from a stain on the bedsheets.

But no need to stress, because these people literally don't matter.

Hope that helps. Keep existing Helen, Its good for the body!

The steps to enlightenment:

Eat mushrooms.
Bang on my drum.
Repeat.

Being open to receive:

There is alot of valuable information hidden in pain and discomfort if we are open enough to go beyond the 'I feel pain, remove it. Quick!' mindset. It's a signpost pointing to a stress, whether it be internal, external, physical, non-physical, past present future.

If you give a quick moment to identify and dig a little deeper to try and understand it, it might be the difference between 'a s**t time' and 'a catalyst of growth'.

If you're gunna be in pain you may as well get some good out of it. Then we are unifying/collapsing a polarity. Positive + negative = ooommmmm

Namaste

***

Live from Maroondah hospital.

3,000 Days of Gratitude Challenge :)

Day 488: Kill me.

Don't be fooled into believing that massages are any good for your wellbeing; I used to get them all the time thinking that it would release any built up emotions and toxins and this may be true to a degree but the amount of stress and damage caused far outweighs anything beneficial.

The amount of anxiety that I build up before (aswell as during) a session in not knowing if i'll be offered a happy ending or not brings me to breaking point.

My last appointment I payed extra upfront and woke up 2 days later in a hospital bed with 'heart complications'.

The article below highlights the dangers and complications of professional massages. Be warned.

*****

MASSAGES are the opposite of soothing, it has emerged.

Studies show that levels of the stress hormone cortisol increase by up to 400% when the subject is covered in oil then pummeled.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said “Having a massage is more worrying than being falsely accused of murder.

“You are half-stripped and helpless while a stranger with immense upper body strength hurts you. It’s bullying set to new age music.”

Swimming instructor Denys Finch Hatton said: “I’ve only ever had one massage, and I was so nervous that I sweated off all the unguents that were being applied to me.

“I had no idea what to do with my hands. Or my face. Or anything.

“I was frightened to enjoy it too much and be mistaken for a pervert, but I didn’t want to be rude so I talked about the migration habits of birds of prey. For 50 minutes.”

Masseuse Joanna Kramer said “I love my job. It’s the perfect profession for a committed sadist.

“Everything you fear is true. We think your pallid back is weird and disgusting, like a hairy lunar surface.

“Clearly your ‘stiff shoulder’ isn’t going to be cured by having being bent at an impossible angle. The real objective is to make you yelp like a snared rabbit.”

*****

Article from the Daily Mash.

Pictured below: Jasmine prepares to have her arm broken.

Please post below your own experiences.

Abundance at the tax-free threshold:

Hi everyone, Id just like to say a few words in regards to navigating the many pitfalls of manifesting over $500,000 a year in the new age industry.

In the past few decades it has become much more easier to manipulate vulnerable people into handing over their hard-earned cash for a little Mula Bandha tickle or a past-life voyeurism session, but holding on to it is another thing.

The first thing I would recommend is whenever you advertise a service make sure that you mention that its a 'suggested donation' (even though you will not let them in if they dont cough up the cash of course). This is necessary for tax purposes as it is seen as a gift. It never ceases to amaze me the determination of ATO in stealing my fortune, so always stay one step ahead and always have a Tibetan donation bowl handy.

Next up; zone in on a target audience. The more exclusive you are the more people will see it as the next big thing. I recommend starting out with aiming towards b-grade celebrities. They are usually just out of rehab, so they are vulnerable and susceptible except still cashed up! Start running a few brocolini activation sessions for $3,000 a pop and then you can start broadening the client base again.

As your business grows so will your corruption so its a good idea to get a good team of lawyers. Whether its blackmail, the coolade or the royal commission... s**t's gunna get controversial. So better to be prepared than sorry.

If you're consistantly dragging in a few million a year with substantial clients its probably easier to start your own religion. As you can imagine the capital is a bit hefty with the need to invest in a temple of some kind, and some fancy hats but once you've got the structure in place, its all profits. The ATO gives some pretty generous allowances and the cash injections from the balding rich guys in a mid-life crisis really keeps things ticking along. There will even be one or two fanatics who will die for you, which can be pretty handy I must admit.

Perhaps the only other downfall of this is that you will probably have to work public holidays.

Namaste

"Do. Or Do not. There is no try" Yoda

Social Veganism: Animal Rights when people are looking.

***

A long time ago, various indigenous tribes throughout different cultures all developed a word referring to those tribesmen who, because of lack of bravery, skill or intelligence could not perform successfully in the act of hunting. They had no co-ordination, no mental capacity and no fu***ng idea. The tribe would laugh at them as they ate only greens and flowers from the hills. In the west they were called 'vegans', derived from the term vegetable, which means ;a person who is so severely impaired mentally or physically as to be largely incapable of activity.

Fast forward to the present and meat is very easy to come by-no matter how 'special' you are, so you would think that vegans would be extinct. Wrong. In the past decade veganism has boomed due to the culturally accepted fad of 'standing up for something right and just'. Im not sure how long this trend will continue but what's interesting is that there is an obvious catalyst at play which I shall explain.

It appears that there has been a sharp rise in morals that I have directly attributed to the rise of social media. Because what use are morals unless there are people around to pat you on the back, right? And I think to myself, did morals exist before social media?

I myself have attempted to go down the vegan path for reasons of peer pressure in these turbulent times. So for anyone thinking of giving it go, I will give you this advice;

First and foremost make sure you have an instagram account, and then as long as you post 1 or 2 photos a week showing your raw vegan cuisine, you can eat as much bacon as you like.

Animal rights have never tasted so good.

***

Below: A graph showing a direct, positive correlation between the amount of vegans and facebook accounts over the past few years.

Full moon in Scorpio; energies are suspiciously high and glassy eyed, and like me, you will most likely be feeling more like you do now than any other time of the year.

It is because this rare alignment is taking place now, and for 'now' to have taken place at any other time in history would be a quantum synchonicity of catastrophic proportions.

This is the main reason we need to stay in the now and always remain present. Otherwise it may be a new moon in Libra and we would be having quite a different conversation.

Any questions or court summons' please contact me.

Namaste.

Happy mothers day to mother Earth, may she have a beautiful day within the warm embrace of the steel and concrete cardigan that we've all provided for her. I hope she likes it.

Namaste

Cuddle Junkies and the addictive pursuit of Chronic Happiness:

Most people have 'hapiness' as their number one goal in life, and for the sake of humanity, I dearly hope that they can be rehabilitated.

Neuro-chemistry proves that happiness is just the result of the release of chemicals in the body and in turn triggers a positive emotional response. For example: endorphins are release during physical workout or or**sm, serotonin is produced in moments of confidence or being proud and content, kittenoids are released when we view photos of cats on the internet and lastly dopamine is the result of the human reward system that many of us are slave to.

The pursuit of this drug suppresses all other emotions and if you don't embrace all the elements that life gives you, you are neglecting emotions that will be the catalyst for your growth and long term wellbeing.

As for the general public, I see these people everyday, chasing down their drug, getting their fix whenever they can, its sickening. Today in fact, I witnessed a girl enter a cafe and proceed to hug every single person at the table, in broad daylight!! Hugging, of course being one of the best sources of oxytocin you can get. You should of seen her afterwards, off her face with glee, the fu***ng ju**ie.

This is exactly the same as buying the synthesised chemical in tablet form, from the chemist, and just like the tablet there are side effects, come downs and of course whenever there is the potential of happiness you know that there will be addiction.

So, to avoid being lured into the sensory illusion of 'happy', always keep something to remind you of those dark times. I usually keep a photo of Tony Abbott close by but you can be creative as you like. Now is a perfect time to start practicing apathy and grumpy bumness, with the dark and cold winter on the way, it should be pretty easy to plan your days with all of my tips in mind.

Other big offenders are Crossfitters, s*x addicts and musicians. Be warned.

If you have any questions at all please comment below.

Love and Light,
Namaste X