Shoko Novellas

IN BITS
PART 1
RISA

I sit in front of the mirror looking at my tired face. The words of the girls who said I was a freak ring in my head. They weren't lying, it was hot in this part of the country but I always made it a statement to show up in track pants and long sleeved shirts at school.
I am in a cycle,a seemingly never ending one. Always ashamed of how I look, conscious of every little part of my body. I am ashamed, but I make it even worse by giving myself new scars all the time. I cut myself and as the blood flowed from my legs and arms, that is when I felt better about myself. I hide this from my parents, they do not know about it.
I don't think that they ever care. My mother is a regular at the bar downtown and my father is even worse, he is almost non-existent. I remember him fighting with my mom about her alcoholism and he never came back. My parents were always fighting, when they did I made myself zone out by cutting. I want to move out but I think i am too damaged to do it anyway. I am going to take a leap of faith and just go.
I am tired of this place. I am tired of mom. I am tired of me. I pack the little clothing I have in my school bag, tomorrow is the last day of high school and I know I won't do great in my examinations. I am just dumb and I never had a thing for school. The only time I enjoyed school was when I was singing and playing the piano at music class. I am going to miss that and since we can't afford a piano I do not know where I am going to play again. I'm sure my parents can afford it but my asking would be in vain. I haven't been in contact with dad for seven months now and I haven't been in contact with my sober mom for months as well.
I take the money dad had given me in secret when he left and put it in my bag. My mom barely comes home, she just comes to bath and change clothes then she is out again with the next available man. I have no idea where I am planning to go and I sit on my bed looking at the ceiling thinking of all the possibilities. I get up and I feel very weak,I feel so light like I don't have any weight holding me to the ground I could float. I go to the kitchen and I hold a counter as a wave of dizziness hit me. This has been going on for a long time but I have really done nothing about it.