Mental Health Natters

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Punishments Day
A parent of a Year 7 child who is struggling with attendance has got in touch. Their school (in a deprived area) has sent a letter about the Year 7 Rewards Day, to be held in the last week of term. It is a fun activity day to be held at school, run by an external company. It is the sort of thing most of the children will not have had the opportunity to do before.

To attend, children must have above 90% attendance, not too many behaviour points and their parents must pay a significant amount of money. Payment won’t secure a place, because if the child’s behaviour or attendance isn’t good enough, they’ll be excluded regardless.

If they can’t participate in the Rewards Day, they must attend school anyway in school uniform and do a normal school day. Her child is at 80% so isn’t invited. This is a punishment. Being excluded from a Rewards day will be experienced by those children as a punishment.

Here’s why policies like this are counter-productive and unfair.

These policies reward the lucky. They reward those who find school easier, who don’t suffer from chronic illness or anxiety and whose families can find extra money. They reward those who are more able to control their behaviour (something which is highly variable at age 11). They reward those who have had a better year.

These policies shame the vulnerable. They make it highly visible to everyone who are the year’s ‘Successes’ and ‘Failures’ in the eyes of the school. They end children’s first year at secondary school by reminding them all that some of them have had a much harder time than others – and that those people are not worthy of celebration. It could lead to increased bullying and ostracization.

These policies are a double punishment. Behaviour points are already punished by detention or isolation. There is already a system in place for attendance. To collate those points and attendance rates and then punish the children again means that the slate is never clear.

For those who are struggling this is a way of ending a difficult year on an even more difficult note. They will conclude that their school thinks the problem is them. It is very unlikely to lead to improved behaviour and attendance in Year 8, because it doesn’t address any of the reasons why school is hard for them – and it will make them feel bad about themselves and negative about school.

What’s the alternative? If you’re going to do something fun at the end of term, do it for everyone. Show them that they are all part of the school community and that they are all worthy. End the year on a positive note for all, regardless of attendance and behaviour points.

You never know, that might make a difference – and it will be the most vulnerable who most need to know.

Illustration by Eliza Fricker Missing The Mark.

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There is no better time to start a conversation with your child about mental health. Here are some questions you can ask to get the conversation going.

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Typically, ADHD brains are designed to go to sleep later and wake up later than non-ADHD brains.

There is a delay due in the release of a hormone called melatonin, which is what tells your brain and body that it is time for sleep.

I have written this with children in mind, but it applies to adults with ADHD too.

As frustrating as it is for us as parents when our children ‘will not’ settle down to sleep, we need to reposition this as ‘cannot’ settle to sleep - unsupported, yet!

I intend for this to be an accessible nugget of information, so I’ll give you just 5 tips for how to support your child at bed times.

1. ADHD brains often don’t settle well to sleep in completely dark and silent rooms.
Some sort of stimulation, such as a fan, a sleep story, a subtle light projector, the radio on low, can give just enough, but not too much stimulation. Have a few things available so your child can pick what might work on a night by night basis.

2. Sufficient fuel and hydration are essential.
A significant drink an hour before bed means the toileting is done before settling to sleep, the hydration level typically last all night (unless they are poorly or it’s a hot night) save for a small cup of water beside the bed, just in case. if your child is saying they are hungry, this might be low dopamine, which is easily fixed with a smalll oat based (low sugar) snack, maybe with a little warm milk, because this regulates dopamine and supports melatonin onset.

3. Most vitamin and mineral deficiencies will show up in sleep. A decent child friendly multivitamin taken regularly, might make a big difference. You have little to lose by trying, and perhaps, everything to gain. Parents report that they have seen a benefit with magnesium too.
And it’s not a judgement call. There is an increasingly more evidence of a differing physiology with ADHD. For example. We know dopamine re-uptake is often too fast in ADHD. We don’t yet know what else is different, so no judgement, just small increments of change that might make a difference.

4. A bedtime routine. Yeah yeah yeah. Easier said than done. Especially if a parent has ADHD too. Use timers and reminders. Create novelty within predictability (hence why I said to give children a variety of stimuli to choose from), so prep for bed can start and end at the same time, but there are novel and (not too) interesting things along the way. You want the Goldilocks of sensory input, which can be difficult to achieve. But at least now you know what you are aiming for, and why. Trail and error is your friend.

5. Soften your voice as the routine is progressing. And when they are testing you to the point where you want to shout, whisper, but keep your facial expressions open and warm. Please don’t give children power over your words and actions. The softer tone of voice and the whisper, shift things to lower arousal, and demonstrate to the child that you are in control of yourself, and are therefore, a safe adult. This helps their nervous system to settle.

There is so much more that I want to say. But I’m sticking to my plan and sharing a little bit, and will share more another time.

Go easy on yourselves. You’re doing your best. Likely, your kids are too. Sometimes it’s choice and naughtiness, but even that is communication. Assume they ‘can’t’ before you wonder if they ‘won’t’

I hope this helps a little.
Remember that you are looking for better, not perfect. Perfect isn’t required or realistic.

Night night. X

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At times I felt I was ploughing on doing these things because I hoped it would bring understanding.
I just thought it was the right thing to do.
We should follow correct procedures and the support would come.
But looking back this often felt it was without my child’s input or autonomy, consent even?
I like to think now that our own adaptations, knowledge and insight as parents and carers are the changes needed.
Then we can make informed decisions.
The other voices get quieter and we build back up connections to our children.
We shed preconceived expectations and ideas of ‘should.’
Instead we meet our children are at.
Filling their times with positive experiences and love.
There’s no rush.
We take a step back to learn more about what works for us.
We bring back autonomy for our children, for our family.
And it might look very different but that’s okay because we are lighter and more hopeful than we’ve ever been able to feel before.

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💚 Joel is running for MHN again! Raising funds to support our young people transitioning to secondary school 💚

Help raise £500 to Fund sessions to support students transitioning from Primary to Secondary School. Weʼre raising money to Fund sessions to support students transitioning from Primary to Secondary School.. Support this JustGiving Crowdfunding Page.

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When I started writing webinars about trauma and anxiety, a group of parents started getting in touch. They said, there’s nothing for us. Everything out there assumes that children are anxious about specific things – school, or groups of other people, or exams and friends – and that you can talk to them about it. This isn’t the case for our children.

For them, it’s like everything is too much. The world has become a frightening place, and even stepping out of the front door feels overwhelming. But they don’t want therapy and they can’t meet professionals, so we are stuck. Even if we get to the top of the CAMHS waiting list we get discharged, because they can’t do cognitive therapy or get to the clinic. We’re stuck in a very small world and with no help available.

This webinar on Monday came out of those conversations. It was a response to those who said, there’s really nothing for us and what there is doesn’t hit the mark. I’ve tried to approach anxiety through a different lens, and help parents and young people feel that there is hope.

It’s at a lunchtime because many parents have said that evenings are difficult. It is recorded if you can’t make the time. Please share if you know parents who might benefit.

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/helping-your-child-with-severe-anxiety-tickets-870013352357?aff=fb3

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"One of the biggest reasons to talk about Autism positively is so that Autistic children can grow up feeling good about themselves and their peers understand that being Autistic is all right. The more people who hear positive things about Autism when they are young, the better chance we have of building a world that is inclusive." I CAN Mentee (18)

It is never too soon to introduce young people to respectful representations of Autism and to highlight the importance of learning from Autistic voices. We have shared a few of our favourite resources in the comments below.

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One of our parents recently spoke about how her daughter had received an award for sitting still and up straight in assembly, something she needed to mask and contain her sensory needs to achieve that. The ableism in these situations is significant and gives that message to the child that who they are is not ok, and we need to challenge this at every opportunity.

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Mental health services are at breaking point. Waiting lists are longer and longer. Pressures on young people are increasing.

We can't keep pouring water into a bucket full of holes.

It's time for us to think differently and be honest with ourselves about what's failing. We need radical new solutions.

We don't have all the answers yet. And change will take time. But young people are already coming together to demand something better. And we share their hope.

With you we want to revolutionise how society supports you with your mental health.

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A massive THANK YOU to everyone for your help getting these messages out around the world! You help is absolutely invaluable and your support is AMAZING! ❤️ THANK YOU!! ❤️

And yes, this doodle is available as a mug from out store. Find it here at https://diversitydoodleprint.etsy.com Check out the whole collection 🥰

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Instead of constantly seeking healing for past wounds, don’t forget to acknowledge the growth and strength you've already gained from overcoming them. Embrace the healed version of yourself, celebrating the resilience that has brought you to this point. By shifting your focus from constant repair to embracing your journey, you empower yourself to live fully in the present and embrace the possibilities of the future.

Image created by : ReWilding for Women

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Imagine if every young person had at least one adult they felt safe to turn to when they're struggling.

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Only 26% of autistic pupils feel happy at school. The funds you raise during World Autism Acceptance Week help autistic young people thrive in school by funding our campaigning work for better autism training in education.

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Many of the goals written for our neurodivergent kids are for those very top blocks.

People need to understand that our kids cannot reach those top blocks without all the foundation blocks underneath.

Focus on building a solid base, then work your way up.

Yes?

Em 🌈

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I have been meeting children weekly who are said to show 'challenging behaviour' for the last 2 decades, as both an Educational Psychologist and teacher. For every one of these children, when we dug deeper and listened to those that knew the young person best, we found a difficulty or unmet need that we had to support. Behaviour was communicating a need but it was NEVER the actual need. Trying to bring about change by focusing on a young person's behaviour rather than the need underneath this, is never going to be effective.

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A message for your child: you are not to blame for feeling overwhelmed or exhausted. There is nothing wrong with you – the world is a difficult place to exist in right now.

💡 Michell C Clark

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Mona Delahooke, Ph.D. ❤

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Even whilst you are burning the midnight oil, handling the pressures of family life, a little time out for yourself can make all the difference. This webinar offers a calm space to reflect and connect with others. With guided imagery and gentle writing activities, there will be space to connect with others and reflect on how you are and your journey.

When we write we can access a place of stillness, which lets us process feelings and experiences. We can allow ourselves to explore experiences which can feel more difficult to express in every-day life. Writing can provide a way to articulate things in an unexpected way. Come and give it a try, in a gentle, nurturing and playful session!

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/creating-wellbeing-using-writing-to-heal-yourself-and-help-your-family-tickets-838575982337?aff=oddtdtcreator

Image credit: Elina Braslina from 'Cloud Soup' (published by The Emma Press)

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🌱🍃🌿☘️

From Neuro-child

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The all consuming never ending tale with no beginning or end.

It’s a story you can’t even explain.

It includes protracted lines of communication, weird job titles, outrage and injustice.

It’s absorbed you since day one but to others it’s a boring ranty story that leaves people wondering “why bother” or “I’m sure they do their best” or “have you tried..?”

You just wish you had something else you could talk about but this is just it for now it seems.

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Yess! Regulation 💫 Co- regulation

From Raised Good