Dunc's Foodie Reviews

"I'M ON A SEAFOOD AND EAT IT DIET"!

DATE: 30th May 2022
LOCATION: La Mirage, Helmsdale. La Mirage Restaurant
MEAL: Small Battered Haddock tea followed by Strawberry Meringue.
PRICE: £13.50 + £5.50

Dear fellow eaters and friends.

It really has been a while since my last post, largely due to covid. However I am back and I'd love to tell you that I've lost weight and changed my eating habits but no I haven't. I'm still as ravenous as ever. And yes it costs me a fortune, the bank love me.

Today we were travelling North and there was absolutely no way that I'd pass on the opportunity to eat at the 'north's premier restaurant' La Mirage. Situated in Helmsdale, on the North East coast, 12 miles north of Brora. Surrounded by sea birds and real Gannets, not just me.

I remember, when I was about 10, having my fish tea virginity taken from me at La Mirage, on a family holiday. It was such a rush back then and today was no less exciting.

Today, we were welcomed into the quirky restaurant by Claire. The dining room still as positively tacky as I remember it. There were a few other patrons already inside, munching down on wholesome meals.

The seafood is local and there was no way that I could not order the small Haddock supper. Yes, you did read that correctly, I ordered a small. The large comes with a second piece of fish and I gave in, I floundered.

Sitting in the restaurant, looking out into the cold rain, I was warmed by the glow coming from the lamp which was wearing a skirt. A real mini skirt. The same lamp which was being guarded by a motorcycle cop statue. I did say this plaice was quirky.

The fish came out, dead and battered, as long as my plate. This momentous fish was sitting at the base camp of what I can only describe as a generous helping of mushy peas. The batter so golden, that I was waiting for the prospector from the Golden Nuggets cereal box to jump on my plate and mine it.

The hot chips arrived, so plentiful that they are piped in on a separate plate. With a sublime crispy outside and fluffy inside, the different textures were driving my taste buds into overdrive. It reminded me of my first time.

The tartare sauce was very zingy, and the good old vinegar strokes. It was a plethora of seaside pleasure.

I must say, I really do appreciate a wedge of lemon, and this wasn't a wedge, it was a doorstop! All the better.

Imagine crispy battered Haddock, a fluffy chip, tartare sauce and mushy pea all going in at the one time. Honestly, all I could imagine were little crabs dancing sideways with little canes, singing "Oh I do like to be beside the seaside".

I managed to scoff the entire lot. Look at me writing 'managed' as if I'm surprised.

You may think that this next step is greedy, but I couldn't resist a strawberry meringue.

The restaurant has a wonderful fridge display which shows all their delightful sweets. The strawberry meringue so tall, it was more like the leaning tower of strawberries. You know you're onto a winner when it bends to one side. This delicious delight comes with a side of cream or ice cream. I had the cream and drenched it!

BEAU-ti-FUL!

The entire meal was incredible. The mission accomplished. It was time to head home for tea and medals.

I have no doubt that I'll be back again.

I give this fish tea the official Dunc SEAL of approval! Thank you for reading.

Can't wait for restaurants to reopen so I can get some reviews up! Or am I just looking forward to being able to eat out again? 😂

THE 'STEAKS' ARE HIGH!

DATE: 19th December 2020
LOCATION: Crofters, Rosemarkie
MEAL: Mixed Grill
PRICE: £25

When asked if I fancied trying the Crofters' Saturday Steak Night, I jumped at the chance. It's a new establishment which I had never tried before but I had heard good things.

Driving from Inverness, in the cold dark, we arrived in Rosemarkie to see Crofters. It was well lit with Christmas lights, busy with fellow eaters, and very inviting indeed.

Into the cosy heat and taken to our table I was impressed by the modern decor. It was also bustling with locals. Brilliant.

Upon reading the menu, I chose the mixed grill. I think it was the long list of food items which attracted me. "Always thinking with your belly" I could hear my mother in my head.

I could see the server walking towards our table and I must admit I was rather excited. You know you've ordered well when everyone else looks at your dish, salivating. Then they look at you as if sizing you up, will he finish that!? Don't you worry yourselves, big ol' Dunc here has a reputation to uphold.

The plate was laid to rest in front of me. My eyes watering, not because of the fresh battered onion
rings (big enough that even Shamu herself could jump through) but because I was overcome with joy. Finally! A mixed grill with no half measures, Crofters know me, a feast for the eyes.

An absolute mountain of meat! The delicious aromas making my nose hairs stand on end. And on the peak of this mountain, almost like a snowy Cairngorm, a beautiful large fried egg. I break the middle and let the avalanche of yolk run down this meaty mountain.

A Sirloin AND fillet steak. The fillet steak so juicy and tender it was melting in my mouth. Prompting flashbacks to being a young boy, watching relatives have steak, whilst I had potato faces. Well it's my turn now and I'm going to make the most of it!

In amongst the steaks, as if evading capture, I locate haggis and black pudding. Not greasy but complimenting the meal.

Wait, it can't be, a succulent chicken breast thrown in for good measure. So perfectly cooked and moist. Shovelling loads of steak, then some chicken then a bit of haggis. What more could you want? Other than a defibrillator on standby.

But no then I find a lovely long girthy sausage. Guzzling down on the sausage like there was no tomorrow. If you can imagine a seagull eating a sausage that was me! (You can YouTube this and you'll see what I mean).

Then bacon, rashers of bacon. This little piggy ran all the way INTO DUNC'S BELLY!

And just for good measure, a bowl of fantastic home-made chips. I used these to soak up all the meat juices at the end. Oh and I also enjoyed the grilled tomato and mushroom. That's two of your five a day by the way!

The meat was so varied I began to hum 'Old MacDonald Had a Farm".

Between the extremely generous portions, the fantastic flavours and cosy setting, I honestly could see no wrong.

I give this mixed grill supper the official Dunc seal of approval!

Thank you for reading.

Dunc.

Crofters Cafe Rosemarkie

What more do you need on a cold night than a double scoop waffle cone! Had some fantastic Pistachio and Honeycomb gelato from Miele's Gelateria Inverness Very friendly staff too 😀

FRIDAY'S FISHY FEAST!

DATE: 13th November 2020
LOCATION: Loch Ness Inn, Drumnadrochit Loch Ness Inn Drumnadrochit
MEAL: Battered Haddock and Chips.
PRICE: 2 meals for £14 deal.

Friday the 13th! Already been double charged for our hotel in the Fort, the car had to be recovered, the new battery fitted incorrectly and a further trip to yet another Fort William car garage. Wave after wave of disaster. I wouldn't expect any less of 2020.

With all this behind us, hitting the A82, heading back to the sneck, I felt a slight sense of relief. However I had one need that I was yet to satisfy: that big roaring engine which is my stomach.

Where to eat? We knew that we wanted to eat 'on the road.' Not literally, as much as I'm into new experiences, but somewhere on the way home. Somewhere different. Pulling into Drumnadrochit we thought we'd try the Loch Ness Inn.

I was struck by the quaint look of the Inn. Entering from the bitter cold into a cosy warm restaurant. The only thing warmer was the welcome we received.

I was informed that Friday is 'Fishy Friday' meaning two fish and chips for £14. I wasn't sure if the server had correctly sized me up or if it was because there was two of us. I'll assume the latter.

Sitting in a lovely booth near to a log burning stove, I ordered the LARGE fish and chips (£14 for two).

I watched the server, her initially upright arms, beginning to strain with the weight of our two upcoming meals. Walking towards us, I could see the tip of golden batter, my mouth was watering.

In front of me she placed the Moby Dick of battered Haddock. This was Shamu's other baby; the one that nobody knew about. Shipped out of Florida through the back door.

The batter perfectly golden and crisp. It passed my usual test: cut the end and if you can pick up the piece without it falling apart then it's perfect. White flakes of meaty Haddock melting in the mouth. Dipped into the homemade tartare sauce, I could feel the fish jumping hoops on my tongue. My zinging taste buds were the applauding audience.

The baby whale gently resting upon a mountain of chips. Piercing through the air like Ben Nevis which I did not climb whilst in Fort William. The chips so beautifully non-uniform. Big ones, some very large ones and little small ones, just like us humans right? Deliciously crispy outer with a fluffy inside. Very clearly homemade, no frozen tattie here! Covered in salt and vinegar. I even had a buttered roll (paid separately) and made a buttie.

Next to this, beautifully presented mushy peas. With subtle hints of mint throughout. Truly making me happea!

The meal was extraordinary. I scoffed the entire lot. The batter was not greasy but perfect. Each component complimenting one another in their own way. And I must say the service was exceptional.

I give this fish supper the official Dunc seal of approval!

Thank you for reading.

Dunc.

KEEP CALM AND CURRY ON!

DATE: 2nd November 2020
LOCATION: Saffron Indian Restaurant, Cradlehall Business Park, Inverness.
MEAL: Poppadoms, Chicken Tikka Pasanda, Peshwari Nan, Boiled rice.
PRICE: £20

Yes! It's the second of November 2020 and if you're a foodie like me that means only one thing; we can now eat out after 6pm!

This is a momentous moment! I have waited however many weeks to finally have dinner in a restaurant. No more chicken kiev's and oven chips! All that sacrifice, but where to eat on this first legal occasion?

Saffron.

A small unsuspecting cosy Indian restaurant in the Cradlehall area of Inverness. It only sits about 20 diners. However what it lacks in tables it makes up for in delicious cuisine. Saffron is rather unique in that they allow you to 'bring your own booze'. Unfortunately for me however, a bottle of Jack Daniel's and a six pack of coke may be unacceptable. Fear not, armed with a bottle of Rosé, my significant other and I entered the restaurant. Well, I let her think that she's the significant other.

Our table, pre-booked, by the window. Beautifully set, with candle, cutlery and a fancy folded napkin. This all felt very warm and romantic for a cold Monday night. Outside was more baltic than balti.

We started our journey along the Ganges of Indian cuisine with poppadoms and dips: mango chutney, yoghurt and red onions. There's something quite lovely about layering a poppadom with all three. The crunch of the poppadom and the sweetness of the dips then the burst of onion. It was like my taste buds were belly dancing.

I ordered something different for main. I thought I'd try the pasanda for a change. Variety is the spice of life right? No pun intended. The chicken tikka pasanda was served in a lovely round bowl on top of a bronze candle heater. The pasanda so delicious; the chicken surrounded by a creamy almond sauce. The chicken so tender that it was melting in my mouth quicker than the polar ice caps.

Dipping the Peshwari Nan into the sauce I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by the burst of flavour. The coconut nan with the almond pasanda was like a showstopper straight from the studios of Bollywood. The nan, crispy on the outside and doughy on the inside, was simply devine.

I overheard another diner say that Saffron was one of his favourite restaurants and I simply nodded to myself in agreement. Or maybe the nodding a result of the half bottle of Rosé I had downed. Nevertheless I did agree, it's a fantastic family owned restaurant.

I also couldn't help but notice that our server was extremely friendly. His attention to us and our fellow eaters was second to none. He made us feel very welcome and I could see that he appreciated our business.

I scoffed the lot and didn't feel guilty. I must say that I did laugh when it was suggested that any leftovers could be taken home. Leftovers? Are you kidding?

At the end of the meal we were brought a complimentary desert, or at least that's what I thought it was. What looked like a squidgy marshmallow magically transformed into a hot napkin when our server poured hot water onto it. I'm glad I didn't try to eat it.

I give this curry the official Dunc seal of approval!

Thank you for reading.

Dunc.

This is very accurate! I'm always failing at salads! 🙈😂 Thanks JB for this one.

A BREAKFAST FIT FOR A KING!

DATE: 28th October 2020
LOCATION: Castle Restaurant, Castle Street, Inverness. The CastleRestaurant
MEAL: Large All Day Breakfast
PRICE: £9.95

It was ten to twelve and we were in that no man's land. You know, where it's maybe too late for breakfast but perhaps too early for lunch? I thought I could solve this predicament by having an all day breakfast. Some may call it brunch.

I had heard some good things about the Castle Restaurant breakfast so decided that we would try it out. I'm already a regular but I hadn't tried the breakfast before.

Sitting by the door, I had easy viewing of the blackboard menu. Perhaps too easy as I spotted the option for a 'large' breakfast. Just like a violin is to Mozart, large is sweet music to my ears.

Sitting with my fellow eating partner, Ashley, I eagerly anticipated the arrival of the main event.

The toast came out first, white of course, with four individual butters. That's BUTTR for us Invernesians. Now, this was delightful because as my toast was in four pieces, this meant one portion of butter per slice. This led to a brilliant buttering of the toast. I hate it when you have to divide butter per slices. It just upsets me.

Suddenly, I noticed Ashley's pupils turning into black saucers and I could see that he was following movement behind me. It was like when a great white Shark smells blood. He said "here we go". I could tell by the look in his eyes and by the tone of his voice that he was excited!

The main event arrived: a large rectangular plate full of beautifully laid out fried breakfast items. The presentation was a feast for the eyes. The chef I'll assume is a Tetris champion.

Two slices of black pudding overlapping two slices of haggis. Beans, link sausages, bacon, tattie scones and hash browns! Hash browns, are often in my opinion, an overlooked but excellent breakfast item! Who doesn't love fried crispy hash browns? The aroma of the breakfast was filling my nostrils causing my mouth to water; almost like the falls of Shin.

Two fried eggs and fried tomatoes. The tomatoes I suppose are to make you feel less guilty? Like you're eating one of your 5 a day whilst devouring your own body weight in meat.

The breakfast was utterly delicious, everything cooked perfectly. No grease and hot. The breakfast kept me coming back for more. Forkfuls of sausage, haggis and egg all in the one serving. Toast with the beans and black pudding.

If the breakfast was a cocktail then I was the mixologist.

An excellent feeding which has led to me feeling full all day. So not only tasty but also great value.

I give this breakfast the official Dunc seal of approval!

Thank you for reading.

Dunc.

Definitely me! 😂

DONUTS NO MORE BUT BURGERS GALORE!

DATE: 16th October 2020
LOCATION: Coyote's, Academy Street, Inverness. Coyote's Inverness
MEAL: Fried Double Chicken Burger Combo with Dirty Fries!
PRICE: £19

My fellow eating partner suggested that on this great day we meet at Coyote's and try out their new range of burgers.

"Burgers"? I asked.

I always thought of Coyote's as being a coffee and donut kind of place. And I talk from experience when I say that they did offer spectacular donuts. The kind of place where you might see the local constabulary hang out.

We entered the unsuspecting shop and joined a queueing system. No sweat, we will grab a quick coffee somewhere. About 20 minutes later I received the text to return. I was becoming slightly excited.

Reading the menu I wished to take advantage of the 'Combo' deal. For this I would receive a burger, fries, can of juice and dip pot in exchange for 13 of my hard earned coins. However being Dunc, with a fierce reputation to uphold, I chose to DOUBLE my 'original fried chicken burger' (supp £4) and I of course upgraded to the coyote 'dirty fries' (supp £2). I love the word 'dirty' because it makes you feel like you're being bad. And as someone who does not often get the opportunity to be bad, I felt I had to.

My meal came out, the double chicken burger, sitting like the tower of Pisa, but instead of leaning to one side, it was tall and proud. The bowl of fries smothered in burger sauce, oozing with mozzarella, dressed in jalapenos and covered in crispy onions. It was as if the meal was winking at me saying "eat me". The meal was the temptress and I the seduced victim.

Biting into the gigantic burger, I realised that I had met my match. Holding this masterpiece, I was gentle but just couldn't take big enough bites. It turned into a slight bloodbath with my taste buds desperate for more. These chickens made the ultimate sacrifice but I can honestly can say this was one of the most delicious burgers I have eaten. I found myself grinning from ear to ear. The other patrons onlooking, I didn't care. The chicken was fried and so moist and so tender. Within the bun was a crunchy slaw as if to make you feel less guilty for eating so much meat. Juices running down my wrist and still I had the fries to look forward to.

And the fries, oh the dirty, dirty fries. They were a meal within themselves. The combination of the crispy onions with the zingy burger sauce and savoury fries was fantastic. Then bang, the slight heat of the jalapenos. These fries were so dirty that I felt slightly adulterous; it was as if I was betraying my own principles. Bite after bite, making weird noises, being mesmerised by the array of flavours. Dreaming of holidays to the USA, it felt nostalgic. It was if I slipped into a different world.

My eating partner, across from me, weirdly rolling his eyes whilst he silently devoured his burger. No words were spoken, we were sharing a mutual experience.

Then suddenly it ended. That's always the saddest part of a meal for me. You enjoy the flavours so intensely that you eat it so fast. There wasn't even a crispy onion or a bit of bun left.

Who would have thought that a donut shop could change course and provide such amazing savoury treats. I will definitely be back to try the different burgers on offer.

I give these burgers the official Dunc seal of approval!

Thank you for reading.

Dunc.

***THE FIRST REVIEW***

DATE: 15/10/2020
LOCATION: Comfort Foods, Church Street, Inverness Comfort Foods
MEAL: Chili Beef Nachos
PRICE: £9.95
FEEDS: 2 people or 1 Dunc!

It was a grey day in Inverness and as usual we were faced with the dilemma of where to eat. "You pick, no you pick" and so it goes on.

Always striving to support local business, I suddenly remembered that I had not yet tried 'Comfort Foods' on Church Street, Inverness. Yes, a local restaurant that even I had not eaten in as yet!

In the back of my mind I remembered a local rumour that the people who owned Comfort Foods are the same people who own 'Castle Restaurant' in Inverness - one of my favourite and regular stomping grounds.

As I entered the establishment (with mask on of course), it reminded me more of a cafe than a restaurant as such. I noticed that it was busy with locals (a good sign for me) and it was bustling with Invernesian twang. Then we were met by the friendly waiting staff who took us to our table. Great thus far.

Sitting reading the menu I was taken aback by the variety of wholesome meals on offer - but I fancied something more exotic. I naively asked the friendly waitress if the portions were big to which she exclaimed:

"EVERYTHING IS BIG IN HERE"!

This was sweet music to my rather large ears.

I chose the 'Chili Beef Nachos'. Not a usual choice for me but like I said, I fancied a change; something exotic. My anticipation was building at the thought of what I would be facing.

The large plate came out and I was faced with a mountain of tortilla chips covered in delicious chili beef, sour cream, guacamole and cheese, lots of cheese. This was the Ben Nevis of the nachos world.

Now, if you are anything like me, you'll get annoyed when there's more tortilla chips than there is cheese. The cheese for me is a crucial element to a successful nacho eating experience.

However today the proportions were spot on. I must say that the chili beef was so well seasoned that it could have easily been eaten on it's own. With every scoop I felt that I wasn't making a dent in the meal, the portion so large, maybe too large for me (NO, I AM KIDDING).

We all know of "food envy": when your eating partner stares at your meal and in their head they are thinking "oh I wish I ordered that". It was fair to say that today there was a lot of envy. My nachos made my partner's bowl of carrot and coriander soup seem somewhat boring!

After some heavy eating and some silent head noddings I finished the nachos. Yes I polished off the lot. Now for those of you who know me, I am not usually a big eater (LOL) but this hit the spot.

Will I be back? Absolutely. I really would like to try some of the other meals on offer. Also some of the sweet treats caught my eye but I will save them for next time.

I officially give this the 'DUNC'S SEAL OF APPROVAL'.

Thanks for reading,

Dunc.

I am Dunc and I absolutely LOVE food! Especially eating out! As suggested by friends I have decided to create this page for a laugh. I aim to provide reviews of meals which I have enjoyed. I hope you find my reviews comical and useful :P

Dunc's Foodie Reviews updated their business hours.