Fiona Gillies - Life Coach for Caregivers

How do you show you care?

In our house, one of the ways is Lego flowers. It wouldn’t be for everyone, but I absolutely love them and know the thought behind them. Making them was interesting and fun, and now I have them on display, making me smile when I see them.

My own actions are different – making, baking and cooking things for people are top of the list.

Different people have different styles – how do you show that you care, and do the people you care for know that that’s what you’re doing?

The lessons that stick with us from childhood

One of my favourite books as a child was “What Katy Did”. I had the version on the left – the red hardback with gold lettering. I remember the cover felt so grown-up.

Spoiler alert!! See the swing in the picture on the left? Early in the book Katy’s father knows it’s unsafe and tells the children not to use it, with no explanation as to why. Katy, not understanding her father’s warning, uses the swing, falls off and severely injures her back. As the book was written in the late 19th century, this resulted in a prolonged period of recovery at home, where at first Katy wallowed in misery, allowing her room to become dank and dreary. Until a distant cousin who was confined to a wheelchair came along and encouraged Katy to enlist the help of her siblings to tidy up the room, open the curtains and bring in some flowers. The change of atmosphere contributed to Katy’s change of mindset and helped her on the road the recovery.

There are lots of other bits to the story, but these parts have stuck with me as two valuable lessons:
1) Understanding why
It’s easier to do / not do / agree to something if you can see the bigger picture. In the years immediately following reading the book, knowing what sort of exam results I needed in order to do what I wanted to do next certainly helped get through the less interesting subjects (less interesting to me that is) and focus my mind on revision.
In caring situations, I’ve always asked more about treatment plans and the pros and cons of any suggested course of action. It helped me to get on board, even when it felt difficult.
I take time to explain the reasoning behind things I’m doing because it helps the other person to understand, and in turn it helps me when they are more willing to cooperate because of that understanding.

2) Our environment matters
Look at something as simple as the weather – how a bright sunny day can help put a spring in our step more than a grey and wet one. I remember putting Katy’s lesson to the test by tidying up my room at the first sign of a sniffle. It must have worked, because I still do it now!
And I’ve extended it to anyone else I’ve been looking after, or even visiting when they’re ill – doing whatever I can to make things more pleasant for them.

Of course these are positive things – there are other things I’ve “learned” and had to unlearn because they are untrue and / or unhelpful, but that’s something for another day…

For now, I’d love to know what lessons from childhood have stuck with you, and where did they come from? Can you beat a source that is now 150 years old?

Carers, what is the value of your time and the care that you give?

This is a picture of a cake pop birthday cake I’ve made in the past. In addition to the ingredients, I put time, energy and love into making them. For me, that was part of the process. They were for someone special, so I “just did it”. Many friends and family have enjoyed cake pops of various colours and flavours on a number of occasions.

At the weekend I popped into a coffee shop and saw that they had a display of individually wrapped cake pops for £3.50 each. The person I was with looked and asked “Fiona, is that really what your cake pops are worth?"

My initial reaction was “no”. Because I wasn’t counting my time, or energy, let alone considering a profit, or the value to others. The “cost” to me is very different from the “worth” to others.

We do the same as carers, undervaluing our contribution and what it’s worth to our loved ones. We’re “just doing it”.

I’m not suggesting we start charging for the care we give; instead I’m suggesting that we recognise its value, give ourselves some credit and remember to reward ourselves in another way.

What will you for yourself in recognition of the value of your time and the care that you give?

I wasn’t surprised by the headline when a friend sent me this link.
It tallies with my own experience, which was thinking “I’m just giving a bit more support”.

I also now hear similar things from the women I work with for example “I just look after my husband but…”, “I take care of my mum now that she’s not mobile but…” or “well, I do a lot to help out but…” And the but is some variation of “I’m not a carer”.

Carers UK gives the following definition: “An unpaid* carer is someone who looks after a family member or friend who could not cope without their support. The person they care for could have disability, illness, mental health condition or may need extra help as they grow older.”
*unpaid as a carer; in fact, many are juggling their caring responsibilities with a career.

As the article says, many find it “creeps up”, for example in the case of a parent whose abilities gradually decline. For others it can come very suddenly, for example in the case of an accident.

Add in trying balance the demands of job, family and other interests, and it’s easy to see where the following stats from The Carers UK State of Caring 2018 survey come from:
⛔ 72% said they had suffered mental ill health as a result of caring.
⛔ 61% said they had suffered physical ill health as a result of caring.

I don’t think the label “carer” impacts the results. When I was “giving extra support” I suffered both mentally and physically and my clients say the same.

So, if you are a carer (or looking after someone, helping out etc…) what’s the most important thing? For me, the answer is to look after yourself. It’s the old case of putting your own oxygen mask on first. In order to be able to care for someone else, you need to be in the best possible mental and physical position yourself. There are many aspects to this, so let’s start with one thing:

What’s the most basic thing you could do (or do more of) to look after yourself?

Census 2021: 'It took me two years before I realised I was a carer' Why have the number of unpaid carers dropped, according to the 2021 census?

It’s going to be a particularly busy week. My schedule is fuller than usual with client sessions, planning meetings, professional development events, travelling and social arrangements. And so I have got ready in the two best ways I know how:

🔷 Preparation

I’m as prepared as I can be. The car has a full tank and I’ve done some basic checks. I know what I’m having for each meal and have all the necessary ingredients. I’ve reviewed client notes to be ready in advance. I’ve decided what to wear to make sure all the clothes are ready. And I have a checklist for each day of the key things that I need to do then. Sure, it took a block of my Sunday to get to this point, but mentally I’m geared up for the week and know that the plans will help it to run smoothly.


🔷 Giving myself a break

Yes, I do mean actually taking a break in the gaps between meetings etc to relax and recharge. But more importantly I mean going easy on myself, accepting that for a few days (and it is only a few days) some things might get left. And that’s ok. My meal plan includes a takeaway – and that’s ok. I might not get around to housework. And that’s ok. I will do things to take care of myself, whether that’s going for a walk or taking a bath. And that’s ok.

What’s your way of managing particularly busy times?

The only thing that’s blue is my jumper!

Did you know it's "Blue Monday"? Said to be so because it's the third Monday in January, when the weather is often bad, the days are still short, it might be a long time since the last pay day etc etc.

I'd actually forgotten all about it until I saw some other posts. Then I looked down at my jumper and had a little laugh to myself, and started thinking about the whole concept.

I know from previous research that "Blue Monday" started as a marketing ploy a few years, and it has stuck.

My issue with the label "Blue Monday" is the potential for self-fulfilling prophesy. It can lead to the temptation to give in to the weather, any general lack of inspiration, the desire for comfort food (insert your own here....) and blame it all on "Blue Monday".

If you are feeling a little "blue" today, what can you do about it? Here are just a few simple suggestions that work for me:
- Put on something that makes you feel good. Yes, this jumper is as soft and comfortable as it looks, and I love the colour. I'm also wearing my favourite perfume.
- Get moving - whether it's a walk, or a few stretches or something more vigorous, any movement will help
- Do a puzzle - it will engage your brain and the satisfaction of doing it will give you a little dopamine hit
- Have a laugh - look at some jokes / funny videos or whatever works for you

What works best for you?

Everyday paradoxes

Reflecting on my time off at Christmas, I’ve realised that two seemingly opposite things can be true at the same time.

✔My time with family was magical, but I also appreciated some time alone

✔I like getting dressed up for an occasion ( the photo was for a festive afternoon tea) as much as like hanging out in my “slobbies”

✔We can relish the array of rich foods and drink and then happily look forward to a simple meal (baked potatoes anyone?)

✔It’s possible to love your job and still enjoy a break from it, and to care about it without it being the most important thing

It made me think about the paradoxes of being a carer:

✔You can be a carer, and still have a career, a family, friends, interests

✔You can love someone and value your time with them, and still want time away from them

✔You can help care for someone else and still care for yourself

✔You can do what you can yourself, and also accept any external support that is available

✔You can want to be the best possible support, whilst being overwhelmed by it all

If you would like to explore how these paradoxes apply to you, get in touch by DM or at [email protected]

This popped up in my Facebook memories yesterday, reminding me that this time two years ago, things were very different.

We had all made changes and adjustments, and one of mine with my parents was that because we couldn't see each other, we sent little parcels every now and then to help keep each other's spirits up.

A few weeks ago my uncle was visiting from Ireland and I asked him to bring a little something back to my parents. I shouldn't have been surprised that they had also sent stuff for us!

While a lot of life has returned to "pre-covid" ways, it's been good to keep up some of the better changes that we made.

What changes did you make during the pandemic and lockdowns that you have kept up because they work for you?

“You’re part of the care plan”
“Am I? I want to be loving and supportive and give practical help, but that sounds very formal”
“Yes, you’re actually an important part of the care plan”

That’s the general gist of a conversation with the mental health professional within a few days of this photo being taken.

I wasn’t “part of the care plan” – I was a woman who enjoyed special access to the giraffe enclosure at Woburn and learning more about them. I had my own interests, my job, my friends etc.

Sure, I was the most constant presence, either physically or at the end of a phone, for the 6 days and 23 hours in between appointments. I was the one making sure there was food available, giving gentle reminders, encouraging activity, sharing in the ups and downs.

Did that make me part of the care plan? I realised it did.

I was untrained, unprepared, but willing to give it my best shot. After all, it was a very important role. I did everything else within the confines of being part of the care plan and soon allowed that to take over. It was the number one priority, and although I knew I was making a huge impact, I missed the other me – the one who enjoyed spending time with friends, taking time to master a new recipe, learning new things.

It took a while, and some hard lessons along the way to realise that it’s possible to be both people – the person who is part of the care plan and the person who gets to live their own life.

Whose care plan are you part of? Do you still have the chance to be “you”?

If you are a carer who is struggling to find time for the things you enjoy in life, DM me or email me at [email protected]

How resilient are you?

If the answer is that you are less resilient than you'd like to be, how would you like to explore ways for you to increase your resilience for just £25?

And, it’s for charity!

For one day only - 16th November 2022 - I am offering 45-minute one-to-one coaching sessions on resilience, in return for a minimum £25 donation to MicroLoan Foundation as part of the , is a 24-hour, global coaching marathon.

100% of your session fee will be directly donated to MicroLoan, supporting a woman in sub-Saharan Africa to start her own small business. With your donation, she can generate an income to feed her family, pay for healthcare and send her children to school.

The booking website is now live and it’s first come first serve!

Visit www.coachathon.thewla.com and type my name in the search bar to book with me, or browse the other fantastic coaches by area of specialism.

This Halloween, do you find your mobile phone frightful?

I was recently thinking abou my university days atnd time afterwards I spent abroad teaching English. It was the mid-90s and comwould sit munication technology was very different then.

Mobile phones were around, but students didn’t have them. Most houses had a landline and payphones were aplenty. You called someone landline to landline and if they weren't there, you might get an answering machine, but more likely you’d have to try again, or leave a message with someone and hope it was passed on. When I was abroad, once a week, at a pre-arranged time, I sat by the phone waiting for a call from home.

When we were getting together, we arranged it in advance and being late meant a) others waiting around, b) missing each other, c) wandering around the local pubs hoping to catch up.

When I needed to look something up my options were: at home, the Encyclopaedia Britannica; on campus going to the library to find the relevant books / journals, (hoping they were available). If I really needed to I could pay to dial up to the internet.

I had a university e-mail address but only ever sent anything to one lecturer who liked us to submit our work that way.

News was on one of the few TV channels 2-3 times a day, on the radio hourly in a newspaper.

During the summer holidays, and while teaching abroad, I wrote and received actual letters on paper. I still have a postcard with the details to meet up with a friend who was going be in Krakow when I working nearby. It arrived a day too late.

As I’m writing, I can see all the ways having a smartphone helps to make things easier:

✔ no more narrowly missing each other

✔ being able to find out information instantly

✔ keeping up to date with current affairs

✔ sending a quick message when something happens or we need help


But that level of availability is a two-way street and we are also constantly “available” and is that always a good thing?

I have a confession: at one point I grew to dread my mobile phone when I was helping to care for and support my parents-in-law. It was so often a message to say that something had happened with one of them, or a call about their care or a request for me to do something. It got the point that I could feel a physical response to any phone notification. I put a couple of strategies in place: I changed the alert sounds from the relevant people, so that I knew when it was or wasn’t something to potential be concerned about. I switched my phone off for a while (knowing that anything could a) wait or b) be dealt with by someone else). I had frank conversations asking for calls to be minimised by dealing with several things at once.

Do you dread your phone for similar reasons? The way it makes you constantly available and therefore constantly alert to the needs of the person you’re caring for? All the associations of what might be needed next? If so, please do get in touch by DM or at [email protected]

For one day only, your coaching session with me will cost just £25.

And, it’s for charity!

The WLA Coachathon 2022 is a 24-hour, global coaching marathon taking place on Wednesday 16th November 2022.
I am offering six 45-minute coaching sessions, one to one, in return for a minimum £25 donation to Foundation.

100% of your session fee will be directly donated to MicroLoan, supporting a woman in sub-Saharan Africa to start her own small business. With your donation, she can generate an income to feed her family, pay for healthcare and send her children to school.

The booking website is now live️ - it’s first come first serve!
Visit www.coachathon.thewla.com and type my name in the search bar to book with me.

Do you have a rubber duck?

In software development, there is a theory that when you have a problem with your code, if you explain the situation in detail, the act of explaining what's going on and what you're trying to achieve will help you to see the solution. And because the important thing in this is the process of the explanation, it doesn't have to be to a person, a rubber duck would do.

And this can extend to any part of life.

I know from talking regularly to carers that we often feel some combination of a) no one would understand, b) everyone has already had enough, c) I wouldn't be comfortable sharing some of the details. So, explain it all to a rubber duck!

It doesn't even have to be a rubber duck - a favourite stuffed animal, doll, mug, picture etc would work just as well.

What will you use?

On I'd like to talk about carers who are experiencing any of the symptoms associated with menopause and perimenopause. It's difficult enough to be a carer or to manage these symptoms, so what's it like going through both together? Let's look at some of the possible interactions:
- lower energy levels / loss of sleep: you're already tired from juggling work, family, social life (some of the time!) and your caring responsibilites, and now you have even less energy to give...
- hot flushes: these will make everything worse, make it harder to do things for loved ones. A lot of the time the person / people you are looking after need a warmer environment because of their physical conditions, which is exactly the opposite of what you need to get through a hot flush
- mood swings: you're doing what you can to put your best foot forward around the person you're caring for, but when your moods are constantly going from one way to another this is even more of a strain
- anxiety: chances are you're worried enough about your loved one, how to balance everything and here comes even more anxiety, sneaking up on you suddenly at any time of day or night
- memory loss: did you remember to do that thing your loved one needed you to do? what if you forget something important in the middle of everything else you're doing? This one, combined with anxiety is a real treat!!

There are many more symptoms that might have an indirect impact too - when you're feeling the physical or mental effects of menopause or perimenopause you are naturally less able to care for and support others.

It's even more important to take care of yourself, to do what you can to manage the symptoms and to you simply take time out if you need to - for your sake and for the sake of the loved one(s) you are caring for or supporting.

Carers, is it better for you to work at home, or away from home?

I had a conversation yesterday where the person I was speaking to said they absolutely prefer to work in a workplace, surrounded by other people. At the minute, it suits me to work from home for various reasons. Our circumstances are different, our needs are different and so our preferences are different.

It got me thinking about how being a carer has a big impact on this common question. Carers also have different situations, different responsibilities and different requirements, and so different home or way scenarios will work best for individuals.

Some of the practical questions around it include:
❔How much are you needed to be “in person”, both at home and at work?
❔What flexibility is available?
❔What helps you to make the best use of your time?

Other questions include:
❔Does being in a workplace add to or reduce the pressure on you?
❔Where do you feel more at ease?
❔Which is better for your relationship with the person you’re caring for?

Once you consider these questions, a picture will start to emerge of what would work best for you. What would you like to change? How can you change this? When will you start putting those changes in place?

How does it help to be a part of a group?

This crochet project is a work in progress, and part of something I’m doing for the first time – a CAL, or “crochet along” in a Facebook group. The idea is simple – everyone gets their yarns ready in advance, the pattern is released in stages and everyone works on the same part at the same time. It means we can share questions and ideas in the group, give encouragement and turn to the group if we need a little more support. For me it’s the first time doing this particular technique, so the shared experience of the group has helped my learning curve. We are all doing different colour combinations, have different levels of experience, can go at different paces, but all have the same overall target and sense of community.

What does that sense of community mean? Think about the last time you were with a group of people where you felt “at home”. How did you feel? In my case it’s usually comfortable, relaxed, able to be myself, valued and able to let my guard down and ask for help if I need it.

“Jinx!” Remember the last time you and someone else said the same thing at the same time. Perhaps you laughed about, said “jinx”, or claimed that “great minds think alike”. You probably also felt a little glow of happiness, and felt more connected to that person. Because it’s good to know that others think in the same way, have the same points of reference, understand where you’re coming from because they’ve been in a similar place.
The sense of community, of understanding and being understood is one of the reasons I combine my one-to-one coaching with group workshops. The feedback I get is that while the content itself is valuable, one of the real benefits is getting to meet others in similar situations and to share thoughts.

Where do you get that community feeling from? What groups could you join – either virtually or in person?

If you’re a carer and would like to know more about the benefits of working with me as part of group, DM me or email [email protected]. If you’ve been drawn to this post because you’re a crafter and would like to know more about joining a craft group, please do also get in touch.

Pride, relief, joy, love, exhaustion – that’s what’s going on in this picture of when I completed the London to Brighton bike ride in 2015.

It popped up in my Facebook memories this week and I started thinking back to what it took to get from rarely getting on my bike to completing this 60 mile cycling challenge:

💠I built up my ability a bit a time, increasing speed / duration as part of a consistent routine of cycling a few times each week

💠I developed other eating and exercise habits to support getting fitter

💠I involved other people, inviting them to join me for some rides: this gave me extra support and more fun

💠I asked for help when I needed it

💠Whenever the going was tough, whether that was temptation to skip a cycle or facing a particularly big hill, I reminded myself why I was doing it – and that gave me the power to keep going.

These are some of the key things that help to build a habit and achieve a goal. In particular ask yourself:

❓What can I do regularly to support what I’m trying to achieve?

❓When is the best time to do those things?

❓How can I make it more fun and / or meaningful?

❓What support can I get?

❓What’s my main reason for doing this? What do I get out of it? What’s important to me about that?

Which dimension(s) could do with more attention?

When we are busy it’s easy to put looking after ourselves on the back burner, isn’t it? After all, we can always do it later, can’t we? Or can we?

The more often we put something off, the easier it becomes to put it off again, then putting it off becomes a habit until eventually we stop even thinking about it.

In “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”, Stephen Covey says there are four dimensions to our nature and it’s important to look after each one:

🔹 Physical dimension, which consists of eating well, resting and sleeping, exercising
🔹 Spiritual dimension, which might include meditation, religious practice, time in nature
🔹 Mental dimension, which could be reading, doing puzzles, learning a new skill
🔹 Social / emotional dimension, which involves nurturing our relationships with other people

What have you been putting off until “later”? Which dimension(s) would you like to improve?

For each of these dimensions, think of:
🔸 One thing that you could do in 5-10 minutes
🔸 At least one thing that would take you about an hour
🔸 At least one thing that would usually take a longer time or that you would do over a period of time

Look back at the list and circle the following:
🔸 The thing that appeals to you the most
🔸 Something that you know make you feel like yourself
🔸 A thing that you’ve been putting off

Set a time when you will do each of these things. How will you remind yourself to do each one?

By deciding when you’re going to do something, making it part of your plan and picturing yourself doing it, you are more likely to go ahead and do it.

What’s the least helpful advice you’ve ever been given?

When I was looking for advice on supporting my other half, who was signed off work with stress, I saw something online that said “tell them their hair looks nice”. OK, that might work in some situations, but for me it only helped in one way – it made me laugh, and actually it still does.

Around the same time I listened in stunned silence while a friend told us both to “just not worry so much”.

We’ve all had the well-meaning advice from people who don’t understand the situation for one reason or another. It can be utterly maddening at times, can’t it? Especially when the suggestions are things that either we’ve tried, or are simply inappropriate in the particular circumstances.

Please do share the unhelpful advice that others have given you (probably without you asking)

Work-life balance is even harder when you’re a carer.

As a carer, the “life” part of the balance can include:
- Helping our loved ones with general day-to-day tasks
- Going to appointments with our loved ones
- Admin – so much more admin than anyone would ever expect
- Regular check-ins
- Phone calls at all sorts of times
- Dropping everything else at a moment’s notice
- Constantly explaining to people

One Thursday lunchtime I calculated that so far that week I’d spent 16.5 hours on caring-related activities, on top of work and trying to look after myself, and at that point any other aspect of “life” seemed like a distant dream.

It’s a situation I help others to avoid, by working with them to find individual answers to four key questions:
Who can help?
What can you do to look after yourself?
When can you do activities that make you feel good?
Where can you reduce the time and energy spent?

If you’d like to explore your answers to these questions, DM me or e-mail me at [email protected] for details of a free workshop in September.

I'm not ready to call myself a "carer"

I’ve heard variations of this statement, and I get it. There are lots of possible reasons including:

💠 Your relationship to the person you’re caring for / supporting is primarily something else – you’re their daughter / mother / sister / partner / aunt / friend etc (and yes, the male equivalents might apply), and that other relationship is the most important one

💠 You have a job, a career that comes with its own responsibilities - and labels

💠 You have a picture of what a “carer” is and that’s not what you do for your loved one

💠 It’s an admission of a situation that you’re still learning to accept

Carers UK gives the following definition: “An unpaid* carer is someone who looks after a family member or friend who could not cope without their support. The person they care for could have disability, illness, mental health condition or may need extra help as they grow older.”

*unpaid as a carer; in fact, many are juggling their caring responsibilities with a career.

Does that make you a carer? Even if you call it something else? I don’t often quote (or paraphrase) Shakespeare, but here goes: “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet”. The label itself isn’t important – the essence of what you do is.

By the definition above I’ve been a carer twice, in different situations and with different outcomes. Thankfully, the second time around I was able to apply some of the lessons I’d learnt from the first time to protect my health and wellbeing, because the impact on the carer (or your chosen label) can be huge. Take for example these stats from the Carers UK State of Caring 2018 survey:

📊 72% said they had suffered mental ill health as a result of caring.
📊 61% said they had suffered physical ill health as a result of caring.

Whether you’re a “carer” or a “carer by any other name”, it’s important to recognise the nature of this side of your relationship with your loved one(s) and the possible negative effects, in order to be able to reduce these effects and help you to be the best possible [INSERT YOUR NAME FOR IT HERE] you can be.

If you’d like to know more about how I use my own experiences to help women balance their working lives and caring roles, DM me or email me at [email protected]