Sale posts by a bloke named Olly

Grey fronted triple wardrobe (Sold)

The clear-out begins! Very tidy white wardrobe with shiny grey fronted doors and draw fronts. Had this for the intention of storing (obviously I mean hiding - out of sight, out of mind) boxes of stuff out the way since they can’t fit in the loft as it’s rammed with crap we don’t throw out ‘just in case.’ Our poor ceilings bow and creak with the weight. We may need to underpin the house as it’s top heavy with things we’ll never use again.

My youngest daughter discovered this magical wardrobe* hidden in the back bedroom and slowly, over time, snuck in a load of clothes she didn’t like so they would be forgotten about.

And it worked. In the end, this poor wardrobe was bulging just like the ceilings and I’m sure Mr Tumnus from Narnia popped out at some point through the neatly stuffed clothes and got himself tangled up in them.

Anyway, this lovely wardrobe has been dismantled and is ready to collect in a convenient flat pack form where you can only guess at how to put it back together. Maybe you can gather the whole family around to help out, eating the last of the Christmas snacks and arguing it out while a zillion adverts for villa holidays and furniture sales relentlessly play on the tv.

Height 181cm
Width 110cm
Depth 50cm

(Main wardrobe width: 71cm)
(Small wardrobe width: 34cm)

Make 2024 the year you buy a magical wardrobe* at a ridiculous price and regret it instantly as the grey won’t match anything else in your bedroom, plus talking creatures from another realm pop out to scare you if you over-fill it with clothes**.

*wardrobe may not necessarily be magical.

**creatures from another realm may not appear.

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Also, my sensible author website is www.ollybarrett.com, and my Facebook author page is https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100066846840640 , but please note the writing is NOTHING like it is on here. (Ages 9+ action/adventure books)

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2 Puzzles & a Harry Potter game (Sold)

What’s that? You’ve been looking for a brand new 1000 piece Disney Princess puzzle for your daughter? Then there’s aunt Maud, she’d love something Disney too - maybe another 1000 piece puzzle, but with the original characters. Now, she likes a good old orchestra - if only you could combine a Disney puzzle and the orchestra idea.

But look - you just spotted this advert and your dreams have come true.

“Bet there’s pieces missing”, you say to yourself in a cynical way. Well, you’d be wrong, for these are brand new & the puzzle pieces are sealed in their original bags. That means you can palm these off as brand new but at a fraction of the original cost - your daughter’s happy, aunt Maud will scream with delight on Christmas morn, waving her arms in the air with excitement as you stare at her bingo wings, mesmerised by their flapping motion, and Christmas will be a happy place.

But there’s more.

More you say?

I’m throwing a Harry Potter game in for free! Yes free!

Ok, it’s not free. I’m obviously getting carried away with the whole Victorian sales speech. Obviously I’m bumping up the cost of these puzzles to cover the game. Anyway….

For free! You’ll enjoy hours of fun with this exciting game of ‘back to Hogwarts’ where you battle each other…… nope. I have no idea. We opened it, looked inside, closed the box and pushed it quietly to the ‘things Daddy needs to sell’ pile.

I say we, I mean the kids. They’ll expect the money for it too, but I’m not telling them when it sells. I’m gifting it to the freezer food fund on their behalf, since one of them left it open all night and we were greeted with soft raw food this morning. The cats lapped up the questionable liquid that pooled by its side and no doubt it’ll be me mopping up whatever shoots out of their rears later.

Anyway, all three items are like new. Make aunt Mauds Christmas a happy one with the gift of giving.

PLEASE SHARE MY PAGE to spread a little giggle.

Also, my sensible author website is www.ollybarrett.com, and my Facebook author page is https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100066846840640 , but please note the writing is NOTHING like it is on here. (Ages 9+ action/adventure books)

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Shower stool (Sold)

No house is complete without a horribly uncomfortable shower stool, shown here in stark white, allowing any embarrassing stains to show up. (Just confirming there aren’t any, unless you use one of those special ultraviolet lights, then I don’t want to talk about it).

Its rubber feet will only just about cram inside the shower tray, leaving you very little room to manoeuvre.

But seriously, I bought 3 of these. The first one allows my wife to shower happily by herself without any help from passers by*.

*passers by refers to family members passing by the bathroom, not strangers off the street - that would be weird.

The second one, I gave to my in-laws. I explained the alien concept of a chair that goes in the shower and is allowed to get wet while you sit and clean your bits and pieces. You can even bend forward and wash your cankles with ease. Actually, the bottom of the father-in-laws legs resemble thighs as they’re so thick with water retention. I questioned whether he’s really Bruce banner very slowly morphing into the hulk from the feet up.

“What blue Flannel?”

“No - are you Bruce Banner? The Hulk,” I have to shout, since he’s not got the whistling hearing aid in.

“No, I’m not sulking. Why would I be in a sulk?” He smiles at me.

“Hulk! Are you the Hulk?”

He stares at me, doing that old people thing where they silently copy what you’re saying so only his lips flap around.

… then I give up.

Anyway, since the modern way of showering the elderly or disabled wouldn’t compute with him, their shower chair has worked its way to the corner of the kitchen where it’s sprouted a small cushion. The father in law sits contently while the kettle boils or he eats his lunch, happily glancing around his lovely kitchen & forgetting both of them can’t stand up without a stick so showering is incredibly difficult.

You can only help so much.

So this third shower chair found its way into my girls play room where it’s held up carefully balanced games and playmobil toys for the last few years. But Daddy came in and had a big tidy up why they were at school.

…. And now I have stuff to sell 😁😁😁

Nothing wrong with. It has adjustable feet, a discomfort rating of 10/10, and is pig ugly. Yours for just £10.00!

PLEASE SHARE MY PAGE to spread a little giggle.

Also, my sensible author website is www.ollybarrett.com, and my Facebook author page is https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100066846840640 , but please note the writing is NOTHING like it is on here. (Ages 9+ action/adventure books)

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3 seater sofa bed. Sold

Width 77” (195cm)
Height 35” (89cm)
Depth 38” (97cm)

So this is my in-laws oddly patterned three seater sofa bed. It’s usually covered in a very nice plain burgundy throw to protect them from its psychedelic swirls. Truth is, the throw was free from a catalogue and the father in law says he wants to get the use out of it since we told him that wrapping it up as a Christmas present & taking credit for a thoughtful gift wasn’t the acceptable thing to do.

They originally bought this for when guests came over or the grandchildren came to visit, but since they have no friends and the grandchildren either live a few doors away, or are grown up and have their own families, it never gets used.

In their heads, it’s in mint condition. The reality is, it’s discoloured and worn in places, but it’s got tons of life and generally in good condition, plus the bed hasn’t been used at all.

It’s very comfortable and the father in law says he wants £350 for it, then I realised I’d removed his lovely burgundy throw and he was staring at the swirly patterns while swaying on his walker-frame and letting out long reverberating a*se trumpets while chanting.

We quickly covered the sofa with his comfort throw and he calmed down.

So, it’s very comfortable, the pattern won’t match anything in your room, & it weighs an absolute ton (which shows its quality). We can’t deliver it and please don’t ask if it’ll fit inside a small hatchback.

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Princess fairy books (Sold)

I spent ages in the back bedroom, buried under a mass of naked barbies again, clearing out the old toys. I managed to gather a full set of these rainbow fairy books, but in the time it took me to shake myself free of dolls clothes, my youngest daughter had persuaded my wife to keep them all for her to read.

I protested, stating the reading age of these books are 4-8 years. My 10 year old folded her arms and stared defiantly at me.

“But you have a reading age of 14!” I said - it helps her dad is an author and I like to plug this fact whenever I can; The Mouse Protectors’ series available on Amazon and all* good book shops. (*ok, 5 local bookshops since I’ve not had time to beg any others to take them) Anyway…

I did a Kevin and slumped my shoulders forward. “Ugh Fine! This is why we have so much CRAP in the house!” I promptly dropped them all where I stood - not my finest grown up moment, but I had a point to prove. And had I known it was there at the time, I would have pulled out the barbie skirt that had somehow worked it’s way down my a*se crack and stopped shy of the old balloon knot to show what I’d gone through as I’d gathered them up.

Admittedly, this poor barbie skirt was a shock to me as I later stood up from the toilet to check my odorous deposit. Needless to say it was flushed to its watery grave as the conjealed remnants of my vegan whopper hadn’t been kind to it.

I should also point out this was a barbie doll skirt, not a full sized skirt with barbie written on it. I think even I would have felt that nestled warmly between my cheeks and would have some difficult questions to answer.

So now she’s sorted out her full set of books that she’ll never read or have any interest in, she’s discovered several duplicates. I’m allowed to sell these.

“Are you sure? You don’t want to put them in the loft in case you lose one? Or add them to the pointless pile in your bedroom that YOU’LL NEVER READ BECAUSE YOU’RE TEN??????”

… is what I wanted to say, but I know my place in the pecking order, so I smiled and nodded, even appeared grateful. Jokes on them - I’m keeping the money

So, rainbow fairy books, pointless and repetitive, like cheese and onion crisps. Gathered from the deepest darkest areas of a play room that time forgot and barbie clothes stick to you like magnets, or work their way down the top of your trousers as your builders bum makes an appearance. I also found an excessive amount of curled up spiders and beetles in there too - the play room, not my bum crack.

£1 Each, or a bargain £14 for all 14!

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https://www.facebook.com/Sale-posts-by-a-bloke-named-Olly-102931365194302/

Also, my sensible author website is www.ollybarrett.com, and my Facebook author page is https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100066846840640 , but please note the writing is NOTHING like it is on here. (Ages 9+ action/adventure books)

Collect from Flitwick

Mercury Prism Mobility scooter with charger £260

The father in law bought this stunning beast but had no intention of using it himself as he couldn’t fit his pride into it. The mother in law used it once or twice a YEAR until even that became too much for her. Who wouldn’t want to be seen on a Mercury Prism deluxe? Well, them. And me re-naming it Frank didn’t help - they just don’t get my humour.

Frank’s not been used in a year since I fitted two new batteries, although we occasionally zoom down the garden on him playing tag with the wife on her scooter just to make sure he still runs. Frank doesn’t have any form of suspension either, so he will shake your bladder until it froths, and your b***s will smack you in your face if you look down.

Running around the garden in this thing is the only time I’ve seen the father in law on it, until I suggested playing kiss chase. I’ve never seen such driving skills at 4mph from him in his desperation to escape into the house.

But I caught him.

Look, Im not getting into the whole ‘who slipped the tongue in first’ again, but we’ve drawn a line under the episode and agreed never to discuss it.

But it was him.

I’ve charged it up and it all seems pretty good, holding its charge well, so now Frank just needs an owner who will actually use him for moving themselves around rather than as a storage shelf in a shed, or a bladder frother.

It dismantles to fit in a car and reveal the totally inadequate cleaning job I carried out for the pretty pictures. It’s sold with no guarantees other than your b***s will ache over rough ground. Not mine - my stomach stretches my top which firmly secures mine in place. It’s my plumbs that are the problem - they bounce around like clackers and ache for a week.

I recommend supportive pants, not boxers, while riding Frank. And please don’t quote that out of context - I already bring enough shame to my family without help from others.

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Also, my sensible author website is www.ollybarrett.com, and my Facebook author page is https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100066846840640 , but please note the writing is NOTHING like it is on here. (Ages 9+ action/adventure books)

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I did it! 😃😃

Out now!

My second book is finally here! Make sure you’ve read the first in the Mouse Protectors series before you start this one.

Dangerous times lay ahead for the protectors & Benjamin’s life is about to change forever …

Uk: https://amzn.eu/d/79axTuX

US: https://a.co/d/3taQ6Zg

Hope you like it!! 😁😁😁😁😁📖
www.ollybarrett.co.uk

Well, I can’t seem to sell my hot tub 🙄

But…..

My second book is fast approaching it’s release date! For those local to me, this one is based in Pulloxhill! Want to know what they really use that tower for?

It’s out on Monday 14th August!!

Ps. Buy my lovely hot tub! 😉

Not long now! Final draft and artwork uploaded - I can’t wait for you to read it!

Make sure you’ve read The Battle for Oak Ridge first. Benjamin’s world is about to change forever…..

Pre-order today on kindle, https://amzn.eu/d/0f2LKqo , or sit tight and wait until Monday 14th August to order your paperback.

Spread the word!

Spread the word!!

The Mouse Protectors: The Battle for Oak Ridge The Mouse Protectors: The Battle for Oak Ridge

Lay z spa Hawaii with filters & chemicals £200

Today we have decided to ditch our lovely hot tub. We welcomed it into its purpose built summer house and all was well for a whole year where we enjoyed the benefits of red hot bubbly water which turned us all pink and wrinkled in every weather, unless we’d forget to add the anti-foam liquid the night before, then we’d have a foam party instead. They weren’t that fun really - you’d choke on the bubbles and your eyes would sting with the chlorine.

But as my wife’s disability has reduced her mobility, it’s now just too painful to get her in. And anyway, once she was in, she’d only float up to the centre of the tub and slowly turn anti-clockwise with the gentle push from the water flow. We tried weighing her down with random items, but in the end, we found her a handy accompaniment as a floating table to hold our drinks and snacks while we chatted together and occasionally used her as a jenga platform.

We also discovered if we helped to spin her, she created a whirlpool effect where she’d be in the middle and we’d orbit around her with the current.

She didn’t like it…

…so we did it more.

Anyway, it was great for the year we used it, but now it just sits empty and unloved. The cover is partly folded up in the picture, and it also comes with this lot:-

6 spare filters
10L anti foam
6.5kg ph+ increased
Chlorine tablets
Ph test kits
Chlorine granules
Chlorine float dispenser

After every use, always change the filter the following day. Humans are disgusting greasy creatures with hairy hobbit feet that shed skin, hair, and that smelly dirt which lurks under toe nails. There’s nothing like relaxing in an unclean hot tub and leaving it with a film of grease afterwards. Although it does protect you from the winter weather on the walk back into your house - like those English Channel swimmers who lather themselves with goose fat - only the hot tub gives a generous helping of p***c hair for extra protection.

Absolutely nothing wrong with it. It’s never been outside. It was drained down & cleaned for storage and the pool itself is still pumped up. Welcome to view it first.

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Also, my sensible author website is www.ollybarrett.com, and my Facebook author page is https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100066846840640 , but please note the writing is NOTHING like it is on here. (Ages 9+ action/adventure books)

Collect from Flitwick.

Cream leather electric Riser/recliner (Sold)

With enough metal inside it to construct a pylon, this thing weighs a ton. It has dual motors too, so you know it’s a decent one. I never use the riser part myself as I’m lucky enough to to get out of my chair unaided, unlike the wife who has her own riser recliner. Everything works as it should - the chair, not the wife; she’s totally buggered.

And I say I never use the riser. I lied. Occasionally, when a cat is curled up fast asleep, I take bets with my girls to see which angle I can get to before the cat simply slides off. I’ve never reached the top setting and now the cats got wise to it, running out the room as I walk in. Fun sponge.

It’s a very comfortable cream leather chair that matches the three seater sofa which I’m also selling. It’s tatty in places through wear & tear, but nobody will notice as the cream pus colour deflects away from the defects.

It doesn’t match our revamped living room now, losing my beloved browns and cream in favour of grey. Bloody grey everywhere in various shades; elephants breath, mouses arse, morning mist, goose poo. Who thought grey would be a thing? The dullest colour in the world, associated with battle ships and paint primer, now adorns our own walls. You can’t beat the excitement of magnolia with some brown placed here and there.

Anyway, all works as it should. Questionable colour & tatty in places - a throw would look nice on it, but it has a price to reflect this. It will lift you off the seat and get you standing with ease. Remember not to fall asleep on it as the riser can be operated by your cat-sympathising ‘loved ones’ who believe in giving others a taste of their own medicine. The leather gives no grip after a certain angle & you slide right off, much to their amusement. They don’t even put cushions out for protection - just leave me to the hard wooden floor.

And I bruise like a peach.

PLEASE SHARE MY PAGE to spread a little giggle.

Also, my sensible author website is www.ollybarrett.com, and my Facebook author page is https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100066846840640 , but please note the writing is NOTHING like it is on here. (Ages 9+ action/adventure books)

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Three seater cream 3 leather manual double recliner - Free!

It’s still one of the most comfortable chairs to sit on as it’s not sagged, but as it’s grown older, the wrinkles have deepened and the colour has faded - like a well worn face, only a creamy pus colour with deep cracks, a similar description my wife uses to describe me. Jokes on her, I moisturise morning and evening - no cracks here.

I removed half a bin liner of food wrappers, toys, dust, cushions, the kitchen sink, and various teddies from the magic flap at the back of the sofa which I’ve only just discovered. It beats pushing your arms between the cushions and fi***ng the chair with both hands to get the surprise items out. It’s like ‘I’m a celebrity’, just without the animal innards. It’s usually something that’s melted & sticky - like those drum stick sweets; they’re the worst. Once they’ve latched on to you, your hands stick for days & the area turns black until you finally succumb to scrubbing it, leaving it red raw with the thinnest layer of skin which seeps blood and that funny clear liquid that nobody knows where it comes from, but turns a strange amber colour as it dries.

So I discovered the amazing velcro flap at the back of the chair far too late. You simply remove the hissing cat who claims ownership of the small space, and clear it all out. You Velcro it shut again and it’s empty, as good as new, ready for the kids to eat toast without a plate, sprinkle cake crumbs, and throw sticky drum sticks back in.

The recliners work perfectly. The kids like to pull that lever and watch the leg rest shoot up in the air, catapulting whatever is on it toward the ceiling. It’s usually sweets to see how high they can get them. They even have a score sheet. Honestly - I didn’t bring them up like this. Although my name was added to this list after I beat the record with a malteaser. Yeah, sometimes Dads can be cool too.

Until mum comes in and tells us all off which is a welcome change since I’m usually the grumpy one.

So, our cream leather 3 seater; It comes apart for transporting in a car, but you may need several journeys. It all works as it should. Call it pre-loved if you like. It’s not sagged and it is still very comfortable. And, if you leave any food, cushions, or clothes on it, they get magically sucked into the lost-property section at the back.

What’s not to like?

The colour.

Also the wear & tear.

PLEASE SHARE MY PAGE to spread a little giggle.

Also, my sensible author website is www.ollybarrett.com, and my Facebook author page is https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100066846840640 , but please note the writing is NOTHING like it is on here. (Ages 9+ action/adventure books)

Collect from Flitwick.

Wireless door bell with 2 plug in chimes. (sold)

Sorry I’ve not been on for a while - the book launch took up all the spare time I had. And now the gardening is back on, I’m so busy i could tear my hair out with the pressure, although it would have to be back hair since I shave my head everyday.

Then I banged my bonce while strimming last week. A bruise popped up like a giants ni**le and my hat rose up to teeter in a comedy fashion on top of it. I tried the old Tom & Jerry thing of pushing it back in, hoping it would pop out somewhere where it mattered & impress the wife, but I nearly passed out - a painful lesson in how cartoons lie to you. I jumped around like a monkey doing a dirty protest. Obviously I didn’t actually poo in my hands and throw it around in a rage - I’ve not done that for years.

Being a gentleman with a perfectly shiny, shaved head though, i know if i don’t shave the offending bump at the same time as the rest of my head, it’ll resemble auntie Barbara’s chin mole. And if I choose to run the razor over it, it’ll peel off my skin and plop it in the sink like those golden shred marmalade bits.

So I chose auntie Barbara’s look.

Anyway, this doorbell. We’ve done that posh thing of getting a ring doorbell after we had a very nice gentleman pop into our front garden again to check our cars were locked. He later decided to steal our neighbours car instead. Now My phone doesn’t stop sending me messages about people coming to the door. I wake up in the morning to endless missed alarms - cats, hedgehogs, a rat, a large moth, a cat with a large moth in its mouth, the milkman, and a cat vomiting a hair ball, beautifully intertwined with chewed moth.

…..and then the dog ate it. A beautiful moment also caught on camera.

The old doorbell comes with 2 plug in chimes which flash blue as they play your selected irritating rings so the hard of hearing can see it too - there’s no excuse of selective hearing, unlike the in-laws who can’t start a sentence without “Ayyy?” yet hear a packet of crisps opening in a hermetically sealed room from 3 miles away.

The chime is loud and wakes you up early on Saturdays & Sundays when the friendly Amazon delivery people like to ring it and run. Why ring it? Why? WHY? You’ve dropped the parcel & taken your photo, it’s pointless ringing the bell - it serves no purpose - it’ll be perfectly obvious to us when we fall over it as we open the front door, that you have delivered it!

Sorry. And my apologies to all the delivery people - you do an amazing job.

…AT POINTLESSLY WAKING US UP.

I’m just kidding.

(I’m not.)

PLEASE SHARE MY PAGE to spread a little giggle.

Also, my sensible author website is www.ollybarrett.com, and my Facebook author page is https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100066846840640 , but please note the writing is NOTHING like it is on here. (Ages 9+ action/adventure books)

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I did it! From today, I’m a PUBLISHED AUTHOR!!!!!!!! 😄🎉🍾🥳🍻🥂

I’m not selling today! I wanted to make an announcement about something I’ve been working on for some time.

Quite a few of you already know I have a passion for writing children’s books and my girls finally persuaded me to publish.

My series of The Mouse Protectors will be available to the world, with The Battle for Oak Ridge being released on Monday 10th April. Set in the villages & towns which surround us, these action/adventure stories mix fact with fiction to leave you questioning what you thought you knew about animals around us.

I now have a Facebook author page (Author Olly Barrett), https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100066846840640 , and a very nice website - www.ollybarrett.com - which gives you more details about the books. You can also subscribe for updates!

Available on Amazon as a paperback & ebook, it’s aimed at readers 9+.

Obviously I write for a more grown up audience on this “Sales posts by a bloke named Olly” page, so the content in my books doesn’t compare. And if it did, large crowds of angry people, wielding pitchforks and lit torches, would chase me naked down the street.

Although I don’t know why they’d be naked.

Wish me luck - I think you’ll like them 😊
The second book is due out in November, but I may bring that forward 😁

Don’t worry, I have lots of things still to sell here, just had to work on this for a while 😁

You to me figure collection £10.00

I originally bought these for my wife when she went through a stage of collecting pointless things - and before she gets all uppity with me, I just want to say TEAPOTS. Bloody things were everywhere. Had to give them to the grumpy grey haired lady at the charity shop under the guise of ‘ornaments’ in the end.

I walked into the shop. It was colder inside than out. And there she was - the most ungrateful grumpy lady you’ll ever meet, scowling at me while I held my box of mystery. I took a step and watched steam blow from her nostrils like a bull ready to charge.

“I don’t want any books if they’re in those boxes. And if you’ve got any cuddly toys, they go to the rag man - he shreds them. Nothing electrical - that goes in the bin.”

I’d only crossed the threshold and she was already barking at me.

I just stood there, trembling, as I held my neatly packed goods. The tea pots were shaking against themselves and the lids rattled and banged. It was like holding a small percussion in my arms.

She glared at me. “What’s in there?”

I tried smiling at her as I walked over to the counter - one of those wide smiles where you quietly say cheese to bare your teeth. I avoided eye contact and stared at my feet.

“Cheese?” she growled.

Sh*t. I was concentrating so hard on smiling at her that I blurted out the actual word. So now she thought I had a box of bloody cheese.

“No, it’s Umm…..” Don’t say teapots, don’t say teapots, don’t say teapots. “Teeyornaments.”

We stared at each other for a moment.

Quick - a back story to convince her. “We’re just clearing out some of my uncle’s neighbour’s friends cousin’s things Dennis.” Well that didn’t make any sense.

Her unconvincing eyes bore deep into my soul. I could feel a nervous fart building. I thrust the box onto the counter & nodded at her.

As she stepped back, I caught sight of her skirt. It was shorter than I was comfortable with, and she insisted on placing the box on the floor behind her. As she bent over, her tiny skirt rose up her back. I shuddered uncontrollably and my nervous fart presented itself.

That vision will never leave me. Every time I give my dog one of those shrivelled up sausage treats, it takes me right back - obviously I’m referring to her bandy legs. To the best of my knowledge, she wasn’t transitioning or anything like that - her large baggy Bridget Jones pants had no unexpected bulges, but I was looking through very watery eyes as I stood there crying with shame at not looking away.

I’ve not returned since.

…. And once again, my apologies since none of this has anything to do with what I’m actually selling. Please buy this collection as I don’t want to go back there.

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Collect from Flitwick