Dr Nickee Stopler

GIVING UP OUR EMOTIONAL BEGGING BOWLS.

Do you ever notice yourself shape-shifting; twisting yourself into a pretzel in order to gain someone’s love or approval? It’s often not conscious, may be fairly subtle (perhaps a slight monitoring of speech or presentation) but has the familiar feeling of anxiety and instability. We lose our centre and our power and we don’t feel good.

Most of us learnt at an early age to give our power away like this to others. Messages of unlovability, defectiveness and unworthiness are so endemic in the families, schools and systems we grew up in. We forget our power, our light, the inherent worth of our beings and in our pain, pick up emotional begging bowls, waiting for the worth-assessments of other flawed humans. Having limited access to the truth of ourselves, it’s of course adaptive to go out into the world and find it from others. It feels better to eat these crumbs of worth than have to face the ‘reality’ of our unworthiness, we unconsciously tell ourselves. Better to eat something than starve, right? As children, yes, but often in adulthood that risk comes at a high price.

It’s no wonder we can make ourselves crazy in the game of trying to get others to like and approve of us. In trying to heal our supposed brokenness we end up so much poorer. It is a dangerous game to play Russian roulette with our worth like this. No one outside ourselves has more power or authority over our lovability than us!

That’s not to say that safe others can’t be a big part in showing us our true worth, mirroring back to us the light we have forgotten. Bring those people close. But, in the process of healing, we humans do have a psychological tendency to attach ourselves to those others who we hope will hold the answer to taking away our pain. We often unconsciously seek out those with similar traits and coping styles to those involved in our original wounds, in the hope that this time we’ll get what we need – it’s called Schema Chemistry, it’s adaptive and it’s powerful!

Often, and definitely for me, we get caught like this with those with, what we call in Schema Therapy, ‘over-compensated’ coping strategies. You’ll know the ones; those who seem to have it all together, confident, intelligent, often in positions of authority, just out of reach, even those doing good things out in the world. It is easy to assume that they hold the answers, that if they loved you then you really would be worthy. These people are not always the same as those guides who have walked a little (or a lot!) further down the path of love and wholeness, who see things we might not yet see, can hold the door open. We will know those people because they do it with compassion, humility and an understanding of our shared humanity with all its edges and flaws. These people know that true love and transformation is to be found in loving ALL the parts.

But let’s be wary of those who you feel less than or anxious around. Those who you want to please, those who demand perfection but who don’t own the imperfections in themselves. It’s happening in the spiritual / psychological fields right now. Guru’s being brought back down to earth. But it happens too in our daily interactions with others.

Let’s rescue our inner Little Ones from the hold others have over whether we are worthy or not. Let’s go through the painful but liberating process of unhooking from people who seem to withhold or give their love very conditionally, even if we REALLY want to get it from them (the inconsistent partner, the emotionally unavailable, those unwilling to be vulnerable with us). They just aren’t our people. It was always a false hope.

There was never anything wrong with you, my friend. Nothing you have done, no mistakes you have made (because we all make them, more than we’d like to admit!), which mean that you are not enough, not worthy of love, not beautifully and imperfectly human.
Let’s get free.

(photo credit - choreograph/123RF)

An interesting talk by Dr Renee Lertzman about how we can bring the insights from psychology into our interactions with others about climate change.

How to turn climate anxiety into action It's normal to feel anxious or overwhelmed by climate change, says psychologist Renée Lertzman. Can we turn those feelings into something productive? In an affirming talk, Lertzman discusses the emotional effects of climate change and offers insights on how psychology can help us discover both the ...

As it becomes harder to turn away from the realities of the climate crisis, processing our feelings with others becomes more integral to us moving to a more resilient, connected and empowered place.

It can be terrifying to keep watching the news at home, perhaps with others more in denial and not know what to do with the powerful feelings it brings up. We need to find the spaces to talk about it without our concerns being minimised, fixed or dismissed.

Taking action, no matter how seemingly small and finding like-minded groups will help. As will connecting with nature and looking at organisations like The Work that Reconnects and Climate Psychology Alliance for support.

It's good to talk 😉

Something I can easily forget. The butterfly knows instinctively when it's ready to emerge - it isn't in the cocoon saying "Oh I'm not good enough, I should be ready by now, what a failure" or bashing down the walls forcing it's way out half done.

Be gentle on yourselves, some things are just not yet ready. Allowing yourself space to be silent and grow will ironically often get you where you want to be just as fast but with your wings intact 💛

🌎 What are you grateful for? 🌏

Whenever I start getting overwhelmed about the crisis, I come back to the discipline of gratitude as a first step out.

It's not only been proven to help steady / calm us and improve our mental state. It is also a RADICAL AND POLITICALLY SUBVERSIVE ACT, helping to inoculate us against consumerism because we become happier with where we're at, not caught up in the craving for more.

💚So today I'm grateful for the rain outside, the health of my children and for the indomitable human spirit in people who help others in times of crisis 💚

Whats yours today?