Andy Parsons

If Government Minister Alister Jack loses his seat over the betting sandal, he'll be able to find work at Star Wars Conventions as a Sith Lord and the Supreme Leader of the Dark Side.

England have now already qualified for Euros Last 16 so I wonder if Gareth Southgate might view tonight as an ideal opportunity to experiment - perhaps with Trent Alexander-Arnold in a midfield role....

What I'd like to know is how many Conservative candidates bet on the date of the General Election but were so incompetent that they put down the wrong day.

When on a zoom work call, it can be fun to suddenly go immobile and stare into the middle distance - and then text in to say that your screen froze. The trouble with Joe Biden, is that he keeps doing this when he's actually attended the meeting in person.

A lot of talk about possible 'Portillo moments' at this General Election: Rishi Sunak, Jeremy Hunt, Penny Mordaunt, James Cleverley, Robert Jenrick, Priti Patel & Suella Braverman. I should imagine Michael Portillo will be staying up to watch - celebrating at home - "They won't be talking about a 'Portillo moment' anymore - I can stop going on those bloody trains"

🎈 Andy Parsons is still Bafflingly Optimistic 🎈

Read Andy's latest interview with British Comedy Guide here 👉 https://t.ly/OAPSa

You can still catch Andy on tour! Only three dates left in his Spring tour with Leicester Square Theatre in London tomorrow night!

🎟️ www.andyparsons.co.uk 🎟️

Theatre & Circus line-up just been announced by Glastonbury - very much looking forward to it.
For those who can't make it to the Festival, I will be at Leicester Square Theatre next Wednesday [15th] at 7pm https://www.leicestersquaretheatre.com/show/andy-parsons-bafflingly-optimistic/ -now
when you'll be able to come along and have a few drinks without worrying about trying to find your tent afterwards.

*Klaxon*
On sale from 11am today, absolutely final 30 NEW dates for extended, extended ‘Bafflingly Optimistic’ Tour 2024 https://www.andyparsons.co.uk/ -dates
Will have completed well over 100 dates and it’s always brilliant to see your name up in lights at some of the country’s most beautiful theatres – although there was one recently with a letter missing and the sign read ‘FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY: ANDY ARSONS’.
There are also a few dates left on the Spring Tour including London at Leicester Square Theatre https://www.leicestersquaretheatre.com/show/andy-parsons-bafflingly-optimistic/ which is underneath a Catholic church and once hosted bands such as The Rolling Stones, The Who, The Clash & The S*x Pistols, which must have been exciting if there was Evensong going on at the time.

All the dates for 'Bafflingly Optimistic' Spring Tour 2024 have now been finalised - 35 of them with all details here https://offthekerb.moosend.com/show_campaign/289a7c2a-762d-4bbd-bf74-23794987350a
Happy Yuletide - and hopefully see you in 2024

Newsletter 'Bafflingly Optimistic' started in August at the Edinburgh Festival where every ticket was sold (including an extra show) and we now know we did slightly better than just break even, which given the current accommodation and venue costs, can be regarded as an unmitigated triumph.

⚠ EXCITING NEW SHOW ON SALE 🤩

As seen on Netflix, Amazon Prime, BBC iPlayer, Live At The Apollo & Mock The Week, Andy Parsons comes to the Garrick on his 2024 tour, BAFFLINGLY OPTIMISTIC!

🗓 Thu 29th Feb 2024 - 8pm
🎟 https://lgtl.ink/AndyParsons

Edinburgh Festival done & dusted with every ticket sold. Tour proper kicks off next week with The Witham in Barnard Castle, Gala Durham, Hull Truck Theatre, Worthing Theatres and Museum & The King's Hall, Herne Bay. A lot has happened in Barnard Castle since I was last there - hoping to see a sign as I enter saying "Please drive slowly through the town - particularly if you're checking your eyesight"

Edinburgh Festival tickets have pretty much all sold out for the entire run so we've added an extra date on Saturday August 26th at 11pm in Pleasance Theatre Cabaret Bar. Details here

Andy Parsons: Bafflingly Optimistic | Pleasance Theatre Trust Comedy Andy Parsons: Bafflingly Optimistic Off The Kerb Productions Edinburgh Pleasance Courtyard Cabaret Bar 19:00, 23:00 (60 mins) 14+ From £12.00 Book now 14th Aug - 27th Aug Having done 17 full-run Edinburgh shows, Andy hasn't done one for 17 years. He thought it was time he went back.But he's ...

So Edinburgh Festival starts next week. Having done 17 consecutive full runs at Edinburgh, I haven't done one for 17 years - but I've been allowed back to play Pleasance Theatre this year and looking forward to seeing loads of you there. https://www.pleasance.co.uk/event/andy-parsons-bafflingly-optimistic
They often say that prison is more expensive than The Ritz, so having seen my Edinburgh accommodation costs, I'm looking forward to staying in a maximum security penitentiary.

Today's guest column for the i....

Andy Parsons: Forget a statue, Liz Truss doesn't even deserve a portrait The bar for building new statues should be very high

Love Glastonbury. People travel from every corner of the globe to find the Festival. And then once they're there, they regularly fail to find their own tent.

Dominic Raab has decided to stand down as an MP citing the pressure on himself and his family. The electorate of Esher & Walton are no doubt sorry for any unintended stress caused to Mr Raab but this is a dangerous precedent, as the public expect to be able to give strong direct critical feedback to their elected officials at election time and will be disappointed not to be able to do so.

🌟 NEW TOUR ANNOUNCEMENT🌟

Andy Parsons will be bringing his BRAND NEW Tour 'Bafflingly Optimistic' across the country this autumn!

🎈ON SALE FROM TOMORROW!🎈

Follow the link below to see if hes coming to a venue near you: www.andyparsons.co.uk

This makes you want to go to the Water Companies' shareholder meeting, have a dump on their Boardroom Table, then hit the fire sprinkler button and say that you can't cope with all the water, so you won't be able to clear up the mess

Sewage spills: Water bills set to rise to pay for £10bn upgrade Water companies apologise for sewage spills in England, but critics say customers should not foot the bill.

Was thinking of going to one of those Pick-Your-Own Strawberry Farms but sadly I haven't had the training. I'm assuming I need to go for more of the red bit than the green bit - but I'm hoping to find somebody from abroad who might be able to help me. Wasn't sure where I'd find somebody from abroad - but apparently our Home Secretary has let in close to a million in the last year so should be absolutely fine.

The government once again trying to get headlines for their migrant policy by suggesting that they are planning to house migrants on ferries but with zero details. If they were only after headlines, why not say they were thinking of using ferries that were cross-channel ones which would be heading very slowly back towards France.

Migrants Could Be Housed On Barges And Ferries To Slash Hotel Bill The government will also announce plans to use former RAF bases as accommodation for asylum seekers.

Looking forward to Prince William persuading Charles to dress up like this for his eventual trip to France...

An opportunity to play Jenga with a house…

Just found out my fridge could be spying on me. I'm not sure there is much to be gained watching a man open the fridge door, look inside for a bit and then close it again, having failed to decide anything. Before I have been accused of woeful indecision. Now I can justify my actions as attempting to waste the time and resources of the Chinese State.

I was thinking of setting up a company and giving my Dad shares in it after he made an 'invaluable' contribution to it by being part of my actual creation. However, my Dad says he doesn't think he deserves the shares because my creation was 'careless but not deliberate'

Hibernation Mode Activated

Looking forward to Rebekah Vardy breaking the internet later today when she states that any of her recent poor decisions can be blamed on the extremely hot temperatures caused by climate change.

Been reading about Rishi Sunak vs Liz Truss: seems like it's a choice between shooting your own c**k off - or shoving a sawn-off shotgun up your own arse and then shooting your c**k off.