Small Acorn

If you’re thinking of training to be a Doula then now is the time!! Take advantage of this discount and join me for 11 weeks of Side By Side Doula training, starting September 4th.

Parenting = nailed it! 🤣

Thinking of using reusable nappies? Check these guys out!!

Nappy Drop in !

Next friday 14th October at .b_eco_me
18 Westow St, SE19 3AH

10am-12pm

No need to book.

Come for the demos, bring and take event of nappies and baby/ maternity clothes and advise form volunteers and other cloth carers.

Date for your diary:
The next Bromley event will be Thursday 3rd November.

The words ”baby” and “spoiled” don’t belong in the same sentence.

I love this phrase and remind myself of it often!

Connection before correction....such an important little phrase to remember for the best, most effective, discipline!

As the weather gets warmer, this is great advice… ☀️ 👶

It’s warming up nicely ☀️

Top tips for babywearing safely in this kind of weather (cos babies often still want to be held or you need to go somewhere)…
💦keep well hydrated
🕶find or make shade (brollies are good portable shades!)⛱
🧴protect exposed areas with sun block (zinc based)
☀️use single layer breathable carriers (like the MiniSling, cotton ring sling, mesh Beco Cool/Izmi or the ultra light solar Integra or Tula Lite)
👍hip or back carries are cooler
🌞go out early or late, avoid the middle of the day
😎use a buggy for transport, (but don’t put cloths over for shade, it just raises the temp, use things like the snooze shade)

More at www.carryingmatters.co.uk/heat

Don’t confuse compliance with respect…

Our society is obsessed with children respecting adults. As children get older, our focus on this respect for elders increases. We tolerate what we deem as 'disrespectful behaviour' from toddlers and preschoolers, but once children are of school age our tolerance wanes. We take their backchat, rudeness and refusal to listen or do what we tell them to do as an indication that they are lacking in respect for us and we meet it with punishments, chastisements and consequences. We are wrong.

Firstly, this apparent disrespect is actually an indication of immature brain development. It isn't pre-meditated. It isn't personal. It's a young person struggling with big emotions and a lack of impulse control. We are the adult here, we need to meet their outbursts with graciousness and understanding, however triggered we may feel by them. Staying calm and mature doesn't mean we are permissive, or 'too soft'. It means we are well-informed, conscious of the underlying cause of the outbursts and the impact our response will have.

Children need the same parenting whatever age they are, 2 or 20 (and anything in between). They don't need "a firmer hand" as they get older (in fact they almost need more understanding and support!). They need us to be understanding and empathic. They need us to teach by being a great role model. They need us to stay calm and stay connected; these are the groundworks that will help children to learn best.

Punishment, shaming, most artificially imposed consequences and the like don't earn respect from children, they create the very opposite of respect. They fracture the relationship and create fear of retribution. At best they cause short-lived compliance. They are poor educators and ineffective forms of discipline, whether you have a toddler or a teen. Never confuse fear and compliance with respect - they couldn't be more different.

“While I don’t want to make mountains out of molehills, the truth is that many molehills a mountain make. That’s the way brain wiring works. A child’s experience, when coupled again and again with like experiences, impacts her understanding of herself and her place in the world. And so it follows that depending on how we respond to our children, they will come to either value their own point of view or they won’t.” –Jennifer Lehr

The Strange Ways Adults Speak to Children There’s a way we talk to children in our culture. It’s different than how we speak to adults, but it needs to change.

Did you know?…

First world problems…😆

I love helping people wear their baby’s. It really is a game changer for parents and babies!

Babies need support adapting to the world outside. This image helps to explain why your baby does not seem to want to be put down and why they are often happiest in your arms.

It's the 4th Trimester... the first few months of adapting to a strange new world. Your body, its shape, scent, sounds and movement, provides familiarity and reassurance... and as babies grow in security and confidence, and begin to wake up more, they will take more of an interest in their environment and want to explore.

This intense stage does pass: understanding why it is happening can help parents feel less overwhelmed with it all. Nobody tells them to expect this and it can come as a shock when all the focus has been on labour and birth. Being a parent of a newborn is a huge experience. How different it could feel if there was more support for every new parent regarding normal baby behaviour, the biological baseline, normal feeding, sleep, the need to be held!

My 4th trimester group has been running for eight years now - the last two years it has been online. Free for all parents and caregivers with a young baby or those expecting. Six weeks of information sharing, non-judgemental empowerment and tips about sling use.

Booking now for the post-Easter course
www.4thTrimester.org.uk

By the way… Babies and children don't stop needing close contact and nurture after this 4th trimester period, of course! They may need that close connection in other ways - short bursts, or contact naps, hand holding, etc. My tweens/teens still hugely value moments of contact, as do I, as as do the elderly patients I care for. Loving, compassionate touch is powerful.

Happy Mother’s Day 💐 💜

If anyone asked, I was always “fine”.

Even when our 4 day old was in special care, I was “fine”.

Even when I was let down by those I turned to for support, I was “fine”.

Even when I had PND, I was “fine”.

Even when I developed anxiety, I was “fine”.

Even when I had PTSD, I was “fine”.

So many new parents are not “fine”, but feel that if they discuss their difficulties they are somehow failing or “not enjoying every moment”.

The truth is parenting is an emotional rollercoaster, especially when you don’t have help or support.

One of the reasons that I love supporting my postnatal clients is because they don’t have to pretend to be “fine”.

They can offload their hopes, fears, concerns and frustrations, knowing they won’t be judged or offered advice they really didn’t want or need.

If you are a parent and someone asks how you’re getting on, be honest. Don’t say you’re fine if you’re not, because more honesty like that will pave the way for others to openly discuss their own struggles.

And in this honesty, you may gain an understanding and support for each other that otherwise would be left unspoken.

Much of my recent Doula work has been with families going through their postpartum journey.

Although every family is different, there isn’t one who has turned down my offer to wash up, cook the dinner, clean, organise cupboards, do the food shopping or hang the washing out.

Of course I do also get to hold the baby, but only when mum asks me to. 😉

Here's One Thing You Can Stop Doing To 'Help' New Moms — And What We Really Need "What I really needed was help that made a genuine difference to our now-upside-down-and-inside-out daily lives."

What deep, beautiful words to describe the experience and acceptance of a caesarean birth… 💛

Dear C-Section Scar,

I didn’t want you. I didn’t plan for you. In fact, I did everything I could to avoid you. But today I touch you with compassion. I smile at you. I send love, grace, and tenderness to you.

You are not weakness. You are not failure. You are not a mistake. You are part of me.

You are not a dead end, the place where my birth journey halted and could travel no further. You are a passage I am still discovering. You are the door that opened to my baby. You are the door that opened into who I am as a mother and as a woman.

Riding over bumps in the car. Laughing and coughing. Bending at my waist. The day I stopped taking narcotics to soften your pain was a milestone. The day I could get out of bed without holding my husband’s arms and without searing pain was a milestone. The day I could stand up from the rocking chair while holding my baby was a milestone. The day I could sit on the floor to play with my son and make my own way back up to my feet was a milestone. The day I could bend over to pull my underwear up by myself was a milestone. These were milestones I resented. I didn’t want to have to be passing through these milestones.

I wasn’t prepared for the numbness. I couldn’t feel anything when my fingertips touched my own skin in the inches between my belly button and p***c bone. My fingers felt like they were touching someone else’s body; there was no feedback from my nerves that had been cut. It felt like I was touching something in me that had died.

The doctor cut through six layers of muscle, tissue, and organ to get to my baby. She separated my abs in the middle and pulled my baby through. I have met at least seven new layers within myself because of you.

You are not my whole story of becoming a mother. But I will never know how my birth as a mother would have been different had I pushed my baby out of my va**na.

C-section scar, You are the dark place cut into me that opened into light. You will never be one simple story, but you will always be mine.
Posted in dedication to all the C-section mamas✨

By: Catherine Gray
Incredible Image .

Gem

I cannot wait for another gem of a book from my favourite parenting guru, Sarah Ockwell-Smith! “How To Be A Calm Parent” is definitely going on my reading list.

But before that I need to get back to reading “Between”…

This is me, but with Spirograph! What do you get engrossed in and not realise your child has wandered off? 🙈

There’s no fu***ng way my swear jar would be that empty! 😂

This is something I talk to people about a lot! Children’s brains are not developed enough for them to deal with big emotions in a calm logical way. Heck, many adults I know admit they struggle when it comes to managing their big emotions, so why would we expect a child with an underdeveloped brain to cope better?! It just doesn’t make sense!

It may feel as if your child has feelings that are much bigger than yours, but it’s not the feelings that are a different size - it’s the brain’s ability to process them!

As adults, we have mature brains, that are fully wired and with fast, honed connections. When we feel difficult emotions, we are able to diffuse them and process them, especially with relation to knowing what is appropriate to display in public. Young children’s brains haven’t reached this level of maturity - and won’t for a good decade or two! - and so their feelings overwhelm them. This doesn’t make them naughty, it makes them human - a young one at that.

The best way to help their brain to develop to contain their emotions? Nurture them, support them, love them…avoid punishing and shaming and be a great role model.

This is a little sneaky peek into my new book ‘Beginnings’ - which is all about child psychology and development from birth to five. It’s out in August.

Well said Amy Brown! Too many people are left worrying about their milk supply, if baby is getting enough, and how to know when things are going well, or not!

“Better support” is so much more then a postnatal chat about latching and positioning. It’s providing support in a myriad of ways at every step of the journey…

"The phrase ‘we need better support for breastfeeding’ can sometimes feel like a suggestion that if women just had a little more help latching their baby on, and tried a little harder, then all their problems would disappear. It can attract a lot of backlash, and with that perception you can understand why.

But when we call for ‘more support’ we don’t mean that at all.

Yes, support for breastfeeding can mean someone to sit and help you latch your baby on, moving them a little left or right so that latch is more effective and comfortable for you. And timely, skilled support like this can make all the difference to breastfeeding working out.

But it’s certainly not the only thing we mean. We mean that women deserve high quality information about how to know when breastfeeding is working... and when it isn’t. A better environment to breastfeed in. Acceptance. Value in what they are doing. Investment in the infrastructure that makes it that bit easier. And more than that again.

‘More support’ doesn’t suggest that with a bit of help and determination that all women can breastfeed. Rather it highlights how women are currently being let down at every level. The list is long, and likely incomplete. We have far to go but while women are still falling through the gaps at every stage we will keep fighting for ‘more support’ across every dimension this entails.

Examples of what we mean include:

🤱Antenatal education
🤱Support during birth
🤱Support after birth
🤱Specialist support
🤱Training across professional groups
🤱Rapid identification of difficulties
🤱Accurate information for complications
🤱Donor milk provision
🤱Mixed feeding & formula support
🤱Funded peer support
🤱Support from friends and family
🤱Positive public attitudes
🤱Legal rights and protection
🤱Enhanced maternity leave
🤱Supportive workplaces
🤱Industry legislation
🤱Value for mothering and families
..And all of those ultimately require investment

The next time you have the urge to ask “when will you have another?”…

When will you have another?
A question we all know.
As if we click our fingers,
And inside of us they grow.

Don’t you want a sibling
For that darling child of yours?
Oblivious to the struggle
Many a mum endures.

You really want ‘just’ one?
Or is it ‘only two’ for you?
Isn’t three your magic number?
Perhaps four would be nice too!

When will it end- this narrative?
Opinions- never sought.
Where is it that this lack
Of sensitivity is taught?

They may want ‘only one’
And your views on that don’t matter.
Or perhaps their road’s been rough
And your words their heart might shatter.

So, next time you feel the urge to ask:
“When will you have another?”
Just don’t. And bear in mind
The path is different for each mother. ❤️

Maria Tempany ()
Artwork by

What if, indeed…

What if we held the mother first? What if we held her so much that she could breathe out those worries - the ones wrapping those tight circles in her mind?
What if we asked her, how are you really doing?
And what if we held space for the answer - whatever it might be. What if we listened? What if we gifted her with our own stories; our own truths? What if she listened? What if we told her we knew it was hard because we've walked her walk? What if we weren't so quick to forget? What if we told her that we get it and that in all of that hard, you are doing so very well? What if we did that before we held the baby? And what if, in all of that space, she felt ready for us to hold the baby - because she felt held herself?

Beautiful words by
♥️Image

Something I am passionate about is INFORMED CONSENT!!

This involves a discussion between you and your care provider, where they give you your options, explain what they are OFFERING you, and have a productive conversation about the pros and cons before you either agree to or decline their offer.

Anything less then this is NOT informed consent.

Ask questions, get curious, do your own research. After all, it’s you who has to live with the consequences of these choices.

I hear from many women who really wish they had understood the consequences of having certain tests carried out.

One of those that has the most impact is GBS or Group B Strep testing.

These days, it is all too common for women to be handed a urine pot by a GP’s receptionist without being given appropriate information.

They aren't told that they are being offered a screening test.

No-one tells them that the outcome of the test that will be carried out might have a huge impact on the options and care that will be available to (and in some areas denied to) them and their baby.

As I often say, this isn’t about telling women what they should or shouldn’t do.

None of us can decide what’s right for someone else.

Some women really want GBS testing.

But other's don't.

It’s about ensuring that everybody has all the information before they decide whether or not to have a test.

Any test.

Loads more info about GBS on www.sarawickham.com/gbse

Sleep is one of the most talked about subjects with both my antenatal and postnatal clients.

Something I discuss with parents (and is mentioned in this post by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, author of the Gentle Sleep Book) is that we have sleep needs too. The trick is finding ways of meeting our needs, without compromising our responsiveness to our baby’s needs.

For anyone not knowing where to start, I highly recommend gaining an understanding of sleep cycles and how sleep/wake hormones work. Once you know what aids sleep and what doesn’t, it’s easier to see which of our habits are helpful and which are not.

Once you deepen your own relationship with sleep, it’ll be easier to support your baby with theirs.

What is 'Gentle Sleep'?

To me, it means treating babies and children in the same way you would like to be treated yourself.

Can you think of a time as a child when you couldn’t sleep? Perhaps you had a bad dream, perhaps you were in pain or felt sick, perhaps you were feeling anxious, or sad.....what did you need from your parents then?

Now, take those feelings and imagine what your child may need when they are struggling to settle at bedtime, or wake and cry in the night. .

To me, 'Gentle' means being fully responsive to a child's needs. It means empathising with them and understanding their true capabilities when it comes to their ability to resolve problems independently (aka 'self soothing'). 'Gentle' means realistic expectations of infant & child sleep. .

What do I NOT consider 'Gentle'? (because it has become a buzz term and now every sleep consultant uses it!) - categorising cries and deeming some not worthy of a response, not picking up the child when they cry (sitting next to them, talking/stroking while crying isn't a gentle alternative), avoiding feeding to sleep, removing night feeds under 12 mths, one size fits all plans, believing babies need to cry themselves to sleep to "release stress" & unrealistic expectations of infant sleep. Beware the wolf in sheep's clothing!

What IS 'Gentle'? Having a good understanding of infant sleep physiology & psychology, taking care of yourself & recognising your needs matter too (but not at the expense of your child's), optimising the bedroom environment to be as sleep friendly as possible, carefully considering sleep location (following SIDS guidelines), having a good consistent bedtime & nap routine, awareness of optimal sleep timings, providing comfort cues to slowly replace you, optimising diets, checking for medical conditions that may impact sleep and - after 12 months - slowly night weaning. This all takes time - allow 6-8 weeks for improvement, don't give up too early, or expect quick fixes (because they almost always come at a price!).

A thought for those with small children navigating the advent season! 🎅🏻🍫

Are you struggling with your child and their advent calendar? You're not alone!

Young children have very immature brains. The frontal lobes of the brain, the parts responsible for something called 'executive functioning' are the most immature area. Executive functions include: behavioural control, emotion regulation, social skills, problem solving and impulse control. This part of the brain - and functions associated with it - don't mature until the late teens, into the twenties.

Advent calendars absolutely require mature executive function development. They require an understanding of the process of opening one door per day, they require an understanding of the social rules surrounding why it's not OK to open all the doors at once, they require impulse control (to not open the doors all at once) and they require emotion regulation when that is prevented. These are things that children really, really struggle with. Not because they are naughty, but because they are children.

Add to this, advent calendars involving chocolate bring a whole other degree of temptation, especially if these sorts of 'treats' are normally restricted in your child's diet. Because they aren't used to eating them intuitively, they don't know how to regulate them and once they start - they literally can't stop.

Does this mean you should avoid advent calendars until adulthood? No, of course not! But it does mean that you should reset your expectations about how your children will interact with them. What's the worst that would happen if they open all of the doors today?

When your client goes into theatre and you’re given a cuppa and some toast by the lovely midwives…

Perspective is everything…

“Ass-tastic” 🤣