Nazreen Fazal

Dear Lil A,

While it’s been just another day for you, being the chill baby that you are, It’s been an emotional day for me as I come to term with the fact that you are ONE YEAR OLD! How, when, what’s happening? Who pressed fast forward?

As always, here are some things you did in the last month -

You took your first few steps and haven’t stopped since. You’ve been really enjoying the very hungry caterpillar book and always manage to get your fingers stuck in it. You’ve learnt in this noisy household you need to scream at the top of your lungs to get things done 🥲

You love love love family meal times and sit so chill in your high chair, with one leg up. Your favorite person is your papa and your whole face lights up when he takes you. I’m a little jealous tbh. The only other person who comes close is your sister, who says she loves you the most in the world after Allah.

You are a curious explorer, always on the go, poking and prodding and testing things out. I’m so excited to see you step into toddlerhood and can’t wait to hear your speak.
It’s a privilege being your mother, one that I don’t take lightly. Thank you for being who you are and letting me love you and loving me back, in the unconditional way only children can.

Birthdays of children are bittersweet for parents. We’re so grateful to see our babies grow up, grow strong, and step into their own personalities. At the same time we can’t help but mourn the fading littleness.

This week it’s extra raw, knowing there are thousands of parents in Gaza who will not be able to see their babies grow old. That somewhere there is a mother who is wailing on the body of her child. So I’ve been hugging you and your sister extra hard these days. Imagining with each hug I’m comforting a child who’s got no one left.

My darling boy, you are the light of our lives and this last year with you has been magical. I pray you grow up to transform lives and light up dark corners of the world. I pray you grow up just and with a strong moral compass that always stands with the oppressed and against oppressors. I pray you are among the leaders who drive the change our world so desperately needs.

With my whole heart,
Mamma

What would you dream of in another world?

So much of the first year of my kids’ lives have been like this for me. Blurry. I’ve felt only towards the end of the first year, for both of them, the fog slowly lifting and the outlines of the rest of the world beginning to appear. Like I’m waking up, groggy, from a deep long nap, my vision taking a few seconds to kick in, as I look around disoriented wondering where and which year I’m in.

A lot of new motherhood, even when it’s not your first time around, is so lonely. I haven’t yet been able to fully process everything my body and mind went through in forming, birthing, and nurturing my babies. I couldn’t process the pain because I had to step up to caring for the babies as my body was bleeding. Their lives depended on me so how could I even pause to cry properly about how much everything hurt?
Where is the space to talk about this without being dismissed or told women all over the world have been doing this since the beginning of humanity?

How do I explain that on many days I’m hanging by a thread on no sleep and my back is killing me and I don’t recognize the person looking back at me from the mirror with the deep eye bags and stretched wobbly skin? That mothers are still human and mourn the time spent in intense caregiving and the youthful glow that stepped aside for neglected dull skin.

Why can’t I say this without also adding a million reminders that I am grateful and I do love my kids to bits? Because that should go without saying. And me venting about my exhaustion and pain and loneliness in this parenting journey shouldn’t be a reflection of my love for my children.

It’s all still blurry even as I try to pen this but I want to say, for those on the same boat, one day the fog does begin to lift, ever so slowly but things fall into place somehow. And when they don’t, there’s no shame in asking for help.

You aren’t a failure for deeply feeling the after effects of the life changing, mind bending event that is giving birth. Take it easy. Take it from a mom who’s been in the trenches and took time to “see the light”. You aren’t alone, even if it feels like it.

Dear lil A,

Can you please tell me what magic was done when I slept to make you 10 months already?
Did you time travel when I wasn’t looking?
You are a big chunky baby now! I’m trying not to make myself cry thinking about the fact that you will be a year old in two months.

This month has seen you master crawling, pulling yourself up to stand and now trying to take side steps while holding on to anything you can get your hands on. Now you are little tornado that can’t be stopped. From the moment you wake up you are busy exploring different corners of the house. You don’t even like to lie down to feed, choosing instead to roll all over me like a hungry little gymnast puppy. Separation anxiety is at an all time high, meaning I can’t even go to the washroom without you screaming like somebody is strangling you. I secretly love it of course because it means you need me so much 🥹
Your first word was mamma 😎 you also say baba and wave goodbye.

You enjoy car rides and will try to go with anyone who has the car keys and is leaving the house. So your dad has a tough time leaving the house to go for work.
Food-wise you are enjoying chicken quite a bit these days. With solids increased the 💩situation is impressive 🫠

You are a goofy lol guy and we are having so much fun watching you reveal more and more of your personality each day!

Love,
Mamma

And just like that I’ve been with the baba of my babies for 8 years.

Known him for 9 years!

How is that possible when I’m only 25 years old?! Wait a minute…the math ain’t mathing.
The day went by as uneventfully as it can with two sleep deprived parents of young kids. We were both up at 12 am to wish each other and share a cuddle before rolling off in opposite directions to sleep.

We put off having dinner out because I had work and instead ordered in some food, enjoying it over funny Malayalam comedy scenes. It was nice.

I like to say that my marriage is a decent, above average marriage. Not extraordinary, because every month (suspiciously close to my periods) I am so convinced I need to divorce him, hand him the kids and move to an ashram in the Himalayas. But when I stop seeing red and take a breather I always am faced with all the goodness he brings with him into our marriage, as imperfect as it is, as imperfect as I am. I’m privy to the fact that I’m not exactly a saint. My postpartum hormones made sure that my emotions were constantly performing trapeze jumps on the mood swings.

It must not have been easy to deal with me when I was unsure about what exactly I was feeling. So I have to give credit where credit is due. Thank you for loving me through the tough times, even when it must have been hard to do so. And even if the love faltered at times and places, I don’t blame you. (Okay maybe I will when I am mad). It’s easy to move past it because you still keep showing up in the ways our family and I need you.

I don’t promise a smooth ride ahead, expect bumps on the way, these are desi roads we are treading. But I promise you, we are taking the scenic route (now that I have a license) with pit stops at all the dhabas, even the questionable ones. Let’s do this together, all the loving and fighting and arguing and sulking and long texting in WhatsApp and rolling eyes and smirking and making up and cracking up at lame jokes (taking into consideration wake windows, bed time and meal times obviously)

Love,
Me

Dear lil A

9 months out in the world after 9 months in!
How has it been so far? Would you rate it 5 stars?

This month you visited 4 countries - Austria, Hungary, Slovakia and Czech Republic. In the coming days you will check off one more country too. We’re covering europe for you before it’s fall.

Your mom failed you on the no sweet and salt rule till 1 year and let you taste croissants and ice cream 🙈 I’m sorry but in my defense it was either give it to you or have you maul my face off trying to get it from me.
You really enjoyed it though.

You are getting along well with 80 other people traveling Europe with you. Especially your grandpa’s friends who are taking turns playing with you.

I almost forgot, you crawled for the first time in Hungary! It was so exciting to watch you crawl on the cushiony hotel bed as your sister cheered you on!

You are a smiley baby mashaAllah and love looking at passersby and charm them with a toothless grin. But this month you’ve suddenly realized mamma is a separate person from you and have started crying when I walk away from you. You are happiest when held by mamma or pappa and when playing with your sis. But z has to be careful around you because you are determined to pull her hair out of her scalp one day.

I guess you will have no memories of all the wonderful places we have visited in this time, but I hope the warmth and love you received becomes a part of you.

Love,
Mamma

Saudi driving license for women

I finally got my Saudi driving license! 🇸🇦 🚘

Alhamdulillah! As someone who had an irrational fear of driving despite having a license from my home country, I never thought this day would come. Yet here we are! 💃

While I was applying for the license there was so much information from different sources but I couldn’t find the latest info consolidated in one place so I’m paying it forward by sharing the steps I took to get my license.

The most tricky part in Saudi driving license for ladies is the appointment as their customer service is nil. You need to physically go to driving school for each appointment booking. Other than that things went so smoothly that I was able to get the license in 20 days (this was with a week of Eid break in between).

Costs -
🔵Training costs per hours allocated
👉 6 hours - 690 sar
👉15 hours - 1466.25 sar
👉30 hours - 2760 sar

🔵Medical check up - 100-200 sar

🔵License issuing -
👉400 sar (10 years)
👉200 sar (5 years)
👉80 sar (2 years).

💠Some tips💠

💠Before the initial assessment practice driving with someone on empty roads at night. This will help reduce the hours you are given.
💠Practice well for computer test. Go through the Saudi driving rules e book well because most questions are from there.
💠Try to book early slots for every step so you have time to go to SDS and book appointment for the next step.
💠Don’t rely on their WhatsApp or hotline number to book appointments. It doesn’t work most of the time and will just delay your process.
💠Ask your practical instructor all your doubts and don’t hesitate to ask them to help you with any area you struggle with.
💠Have your iqama with you all times and the ABSHER app updated.
💠 Have data on your phone when you go for appointments

Locations:

PNU Muroor traffic dept -
https://maps.app.goo.gl/TnxJd3NXkQmsnPr6A?g_st=ic

Saudi Driving school -
https://maps.app.goo.gl/knJb6MeHFK63Xj3m8?g_st=ic

Let me know if this helped! And If there are any points I’ve missed let me know about that too 😊

Eid Mubarak (E-The Mbarc) card made by Z.
Didn’t know she wanted to write Eid when she asked me how to spell “the”

Dear lil A,

My 8th letter to you has been delayed by 2 days thanks to the fever that’s been an uninvited guest for the last week.

Happy 8th month! I’m sorry you have to deal with the discomfort of fever and rashes…it really sucks to see you this way and not be able to do anything.

The worst part about parenting has to be seeing your children in pain and being helpless. You can only turn to God for respite. I pray you get through any and every illness that comes your way.

This month you started sitting unsupported and are slowly trying to crawl. You don’t remain in one place and roll every where you want to go to. You are very observant, looking for things to grab and test out in your mouth. Your favorite thing to do is do a quick specs attack, temporarily blinding me.

It’s been clear that your dad and sister are your favorites but now I think you realize that I’m not a part of your body, you have started crying when I leave the room! You also make a fuss when your papa leaves the house without you. In the evenings when the bell rings you know it’s him and do an excited dance. You are totally fine with showing any emotion you feel. Even if it’s a case of grumps. And I love that about you!

You seem to enjoy rough play and laugh your heart out when your sister wrestles with you.
In terms of food, your favorites these days are mango and watermelon. You also guzzle down water whenever you have the chance.
You seem to ignore all your toys and want to grab your sisters Lego blocks while she’s playing next to you.

We are enjoying these days as you reveal more and more of your personality. You seem like a fun guy. We can’t wait to see you grow into the wholesome person I’m sure you will be.

Love,
Mamma

Dear baby Z,

Can I still call you baby now that you are 5? I don’t really care actually, because you will always be my baby.

Even when you are a “big girl”, even when you are a teen, even when you fly away to follow your dreams, even when I’m frail and will lean on you for support. You will be my darling child, my baby.

My first born, my partner in many firsts in my life, the one who inducted me to the mind bending world of motherhood.. you hold many titles.

Last year you got an extra title of Big Sister. I watched with apprehension and guilt as I brought a little man into the mix. My apprehension turned into wonder and joy as I witnessed you transformed instantly into the most amazing sister to lil A.
But that’s just one part of you. I love you for all of you. Even when you drive me absolutely mad with your antics. Even when you talk non stop. Even when you get into my make up bag.
At 5 you are still that spunky, funny, sassy girl we all know. You’ve been that way since you were a baby. You are a social butterfly and love making friends. You are amazing with words and speak so well mashaAllah. You enjoy drawing and coloring and make the cutest flowers and hearts for me. When you are mad at me you draw a stick figure of me and then scribble all over it 😅

You love naadan food like puttu and kadala and fish and moru curry. But your most favorite thing in the world is still bubble tea.
You sing and dance freely and spend your days listening to stories and podcasts on your Yoto. I want to take mental pictures of all these moments. Soon your limbs will overflow from our arms and we won’t be able to carry you from car to bed in your sleepy state. One day all we’ll be able to carry are these memories of the most wonderful person that Allah blessed us with.

We aren’t the perfect parents but we’ll never stop trying to be better for you. I hope you’ll know that no matter which corner of the world you’re in, we’ll have your back inshaAllah. As long as we’re here, we’re here for you.

Love,
Mamma

When my first kid turned 6 months I was scouring Facebook groups and online communities to read up on the best practices to introduce solids. I stumbled upon baby led weaning and it made so much sense that I immediately committed to it. Now here’s the thing with first time mom commitment, you think that once you have decided to do something you MUST see it through even if it doesn’t work well for you, even if it kills you. You see all the benefits that everyone’s talking about and you think if you don’t follow this specific methodology (be it feeding, potty training, or weaning) then you are failing.
I remember how stressed I’d get when meal times approach because I had this all or nothing mindset.

Now that my second kid is here I’ve chucked that mindset right out of the window. I’ve not signed any contract that I will follow whatever new or old way of parenting to the T. I’m going to pick and choose what works for me, my kids, and my family.

So when it comes to feeding it may look like a mix of traditional weaning and baby led weaning. I give my baby purées and also let him explore finger food. As long as I’m following some basic guidelines like no sugar, no salt, no honey till 1 year and making sure my kid doesn’t choke, I think I’m doing okay.
Then it’s all about what’s available, affordable, convenient and healthy. A high chair, a bib or no clothes on, a plastic mat to catch the spill and you are mostly sorted.
Other than that I don’t really have any weaning tips and tricks that haven’t already been covered by other accounts here. Some accounts on instagram I follow that are helpful with recipes and guidance on this journey - .papa.zay .eat.in.color

Do you feel anxious about feeding kids with all the information out there? I do too as I did with my first kid. But she’s now almost 5 and eats and drinks by herself (still not ALL the time) and is doing well. Eventually babies become kids who do eat. As long as we don’t associate stress and judgment with food and meal times, we are all on the right track no matter what method we follow!

Dear lil A,

Say hello to month 7!

Each month seems to zoom by faster than the one before. Every month I get emotional thinking about how far we’ve come and how soon it’s all going by. I’m glad I have these letters to look back on and remember the little and big things we experienced together.

Half of last month was spent in India where you became so much more responsive thanks to the dozens of cousins uncles and aunts you got to meet there. You loved meeting new people and wooed everyone so effortlessly with your charming smiles.

The moment we got back to Riyadh and laid you on the bed here you flipped from tummy to back finally. It was as though you were waiting to reach Saudi Arabia to activate this mode 🤣

Now we have to be extra cautious because you are one wriggly baby who turns round and round like a clock’s hand.

You got your own high chair last week and you have been enjoying sitting there with us during meal times. Meal times are mostly messy sensory times where you explore in detail what yogurt feels like and what a silicone cup tastes like when chewed on hundred times.

You are a total water baby and start dancing any time someone turns a tap on. You smile every time we enter the washroom and I can’t get enough of that!

You are now trying to sit up and push yourself up on your knees. It’s like watching a baby elephant play. I’m here for it.

There have been multiple complaints against you about infecting many virtual aunties with baby fever. We’re still processing those complaints before deciding whether you’ll be strapped into the baby jail (high chair) or not.

For now your punishment is just listening to mamma sing throughout the day while asking you to clap. I’m sure that’s more than enough torture.

Love,
Mamma

Some of my fondest memories as a child are of travels with my parents and siblings. 2-3 day long train rides across India, rickety auto rickshaw rides squeezed between aunts and cousins, bumpy bus rides with my grandparents. Now as someone responsible for littles I’m sure it was not that fun for the adults. But they still made it something memorable for us, even if unintentional.
Now as I travel with my two eggs I feel tired to my bone but also very grateful that some day in the future, maybe decades down the line, they’ll look back on these days and feel a warmth hug them from inside which reminds them how loved they were, are.

The last call never announces itself.

You never know it's the last call

If you did, you might not discuss the small stuff like -

Have you had your breakfast yet?
What did you eat?
What are the kids doing?
We had mangoes today and thought of
you.

Last call conversations would look so different

If you knew it were the last call, you'd say what you feel everyday in your bones -

"I love you so much it's hard to say it without making it awkward for the both of us?
"I owe you for everything I am"
"I appreciate the person you are even when we can't see eye to eye on something."
"I can't imagine a life which doesn't have you in it"
"I am sorry for the times I hurt you."
"I would be so lost without you"

When my grandmother died I kept going over our last call. Of all the things left unsaid. I regretted every time I didn't tell her what she meant to me.

But then I think, the small stuff meant something too.

Hidden in our decades of conversations about the mundane everyday was gentle unspoken love, genuine concern, and affection for each other. The same with my parents, uncles, and aunts.

Did you eat? Did you show that lump to the doctor? Don't forget to take the medicine.
Don't strain yourself. I've sent you some of your favorite halwa.

How can this not be love?

Dear lil A,

I’m a week late in writing your 6th letter because of how crazy busy it has been. Welcome to month 6 my darling boy. How are you already half a year old?!

The 6th month comes with a lot of big and small milestones. You already tried your first taste of solids a week before your turned 6 months. I’ve offered you a taste of watermelon, mango, banana, dates so far. The first few times you really enjoyed it but now you act like it’s the most bitter thing you’ve ever eaten. What’s happening mister?

You are an expert one way roller now and trying really hard to master the backflip.

This month you have become so much more responsive. The babbling has increased and you have cute whines when you are tired.
You celebrated your first eid and had a lovely time with your maternal family. You were loved on and cuddled and squished by so many people that by the end of the day you made it pretty clear you want to be left alone on the bed with no one touching you.

You are on your second trip to kerala and despite the heat love watching the trees and the noisy bikes and auto rickshaws. You enjoy the company of other kids who come to play with you. Your favorite is of course your sister who’s been calling you bum bum and poo poo boy for the last few weeks.

You had a tiring road trip to mysore and back and you handled it like a champ mashaAlllah.

I adore every single thing about you. From your puckered lips to your tiny toes to the random screaming when you want attention. I love all of you. I can’t wait to witness not just the milestones but the little moments of your littleness too!

Love,
Mamma

Each generation claims that their “good old days” was objectively the best. The best food, art, culture, and people; you can sense their yearning to go back in time to experience it just once more.

Maybe what each generation misses isn’t the cuisine or the culture or the couture.

Maybe what they miss is the version of themselves back then, when life seemed easier, simpler and less complicated.

Somewhere down the road we were forced to grow into the pragmatic lens of late adulthood with its bills and illnesses and aging parents and loss. So much loss. But there’s still a part of us that yearns for that time when we were brimming with innocent optimism and zest for life.

So it’s easier to talk about the songs or the movies of our years of innocence - the good old times - than to acknowledge that life right now is dark and messy and we are hurting.

🤷‍♀️

One of the many gifts that growing older has given me is the knowledge that I do not have to speak to anyone and everyone who tries to speak to me.

There was a time that any stray opinion about me would make me disturbed and I’d spend precious hours trying to formulate an answer to prove I’m right, that I’m worth liking. It was my “pick me, choose me, love me” phase.

Now I know I can choose silence, even if my ego is bruised, my feelings hurt and even if I am a 100% convinced I’m in the right. Not everyone deserves my mind-space or conversation. I’m not being paid to answer unkindness with patient, well crafted, educational responses. Especially gatekeepers of any ideology, any circle, any niche way of thinking. When people have already made up their minds about what they will believe and practice (or not), there’s no point getting into the quicksand that is online debates and getting myself dirty.

Life is too short and we have finite energy and resources. I am not going to willingly put myself in the middle of drama and spend precious time arguing with people who drain my energy. Why would I do that when I can energize myself with conversations with people of the same wavelength? Or better yet, give myself quiet time and space to pray, ponder and reflect?

I can and will choose silence over meaningless noise. You can too.

Why don’t more people talk about the fact that when you have your first child, you also become a new born parent. Your baby’s day 1 is your day 1 as a caregiver. Without any training or prior experience you are thrown into this full time job of being your child’s source of nourishment, well being, and security and so much more while trying to heal a bruised and battered body that just gave birth (can we pause to truly reflect on how incredibly, mind blowingly amazing it is to create life from your own body. I grew a brain and a heart and a couple of others organs!). Toss in the challenges of new born parenting on your existing relationships and you are guaranteed to have at hand parents who are struggling to stay afloat midst all the unsolicited advices, judgements, and shaming from outside.

I remember it so clearly. The confusion, the anxiety, the crushing guilt as I had to make decision and decision for my baby. Breastfeed or formula? Cosleep or sleep train? Babyled or traditional weaning? It seemed like my child’s life and future success hinged on each of these decisions. When it didn’t.

Here’s the truth about babies, they are surprisingly strong and resilient. It’s not easy to really mess them up. And what does mess them up isn’t the mode of eating or sleeping. It’s not whether they eat by themselves or are fed by others that decides their future. It’s whether they had a secure attachment with present parents. It’s not breastmilk or formula that makes them strong. It’s how consistently and deeply they were loved by their caregivers.

So when the next child comes around, and you have some experience as a parent in your bag, this parenting gig seems simpler. Yes of course there’s the sleep deprivation and the new parent haze and the fatigue. But there’s also the knowledge that what really matters in raising healthy children is under your control. You learn to cut through the noise and really zero in on what matters. And you can do it, because you have done it before. You are the best person for your little human. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

Last night I found myself, inevitably, contorted into a pretzel with arms and legs of my two kids poking different organs from the front and back.
As I tried to adjust my spine from its now W position so I don’t have permanent damage, I stopped to look at my two sleeping littles. One was nursing in his sleep while the other had snuggled her head deep into my back for warmth, while her little hand hugged my “squishy jelly belly” as she calls it. Suddenly the fact that I’m now an unwilling contortionist didn’t seem like that big a deal. Yes, I’m going to wake up with little dents in all my organs from little limbs poking me throughout the night, but I’m willing to take it for these two.

It takes a lot from me to be giving of my body and mind constantly to two kids with vastly different needs, but I realize this season will pass before I’m ready. I’ll miss being able to soothe them with a hug and a kiss. I’ll miss being asked for hugs on cold nights. I’ll miss my baby’s sigh of contentment after a long night feed. I’ll miss being my daughter’s google, how she believes I have answers to everything. I’ll miss being able to carry them while they sleep.
Can’t believe I’m saying this but I’ll miss being so needed.

So even though I’m waking up sandwiched between my two womb fruits, my spine begging for relief, I’m going to hang in there while it lasts and enjoy the privilege and joy that is being a mother to them.