Catherine Wanjiru- Writer

Don't let the loneliness convince you that the wrongdoing was not wrong. Don't let the loneliness convince you to go back to what broke you. 😊

Whenever you find yourself rushing to pick your phone to scroll mindlessly, especially whenever you are alone, ask yourself, "what am I running from?" Think a lil more about the answer

Years ago, I overheard a lady telling whoever was sitting next to her that her boyfriend was on the verge of breaking up with her because there was no movement in the relationship. She said she couldn't let him go...yet. Yet? She said that if she was being true to herself, she wouldn't be with her partner of 4 years; her partner was the exact opposite of what she wanted, even as a friend.

You might be wondering, why would you be with someone that you know very very well is not your type?

She said she was being intentionally rebellious towards her mom because her mom had hurt her and her partner was the best tool of getting back at her mom. Her mom got pregnant in form 3, dropped out, guy refused to take responsibility and her dad didn't give her a second chance. So she started hustling. Life was hard. Her mom loved school and had big dreams, but wasn't able to go back to school. She fell out with her parents. Struggled. Guys didn’t want to marry her citing she had a child already. So the mom resented the child and blamed her for the hard life she endured.

Girl said mum started taking alcohol to deal with the stress. Sometimes she would be gone for a week only going home to clean up then leave. Sometimes the mom would come home and immediately rain insults on her or beat her up as if sending her back to her maker. Sometimes she would be told to sleep hungry. Sometimes when she left home, her mom would tell her she wished that she would die in an accident or something. She would be happy then. Her problems would end. For years, this girl knew that she was to blame for the hard life.

So, the girl said she was punishing her mum for it by being with her boyfriend. She knew the mom wouldn't approve of the person or the relationship but according to her, there was no other way of getting on her mom's nerves every day apart from being with her boyfriend. The boyfriend had features that the girl's mom strongly disliked and had said wouldn't be welcomed in her home 💔

I have no way of verifying if what I heard was true, but these are things that happen in our society. But we would rather look the other way than face them. We would rather keep ourselves busy with other things because this one is a bit too much.

I was young then and knew little about childhood traumas & inner healing. But knowing what I know now, I have been thinking a lot about the mom, the lady and the boyfriend. I wonder if the girl ever healed and set her partner free. I wonder if she is with someone she really wanted be with, not someone who was the perfect tool to get back at her mom.

I have also been thinking about the boyfriend and was quite sad to know that sometimes people can be with you, not because you are right for them or they really want to be with you, but because they want to prove a point and settle a score with someone who hurt them deeply. It's sad to know that sometimes someone can cross oceans to keep you in their life because they have an unaccomplished mission and losing you would make the mission unsuccessful. I have been thinking about the lady’s partner and oh how heartbreaking it would be to find out why someone is truly with you.

I have been thinking a lot about the mom: the pain she endured and if she ever had a chance to face her pain and heal. I wonder if she ever got a chance to pursue her dreams, even if it's one.

I have been thinking about what trauma does to us.

May we heal. May we be protected from people who would use us to settle a score.

Hey, they were wrong about you. You are not good for nothing. You are not a burden. You are not better off gone. You are not a mistake. You are valuable. You are here for a greater purpose. You deserve everything good that life offers.

If you have a past full of rejection and abandonment & battling the same, you can also find yourself struggling or unable to do some things - some very basic- that you know you should do to keep a loved one in your life.

Your mind can deceive you that it's not worth trying to do better to keep a loved one in your life because "regardless of what you do, you will end up rejected." Your mind can convince you that it is protecting you by convincing you to save the energy 💔

If someone is afraid of losing you, they know there is something they should be doing to keep you but they aren't doing.

I hope you learn to appreciate not only the bridge that helps you cross to the other side, but also the people who point you to the direction of the bridge, the lightbulb moments that tell you it's time to move, and the blocked paths that led you to the bridge.

There will always be someone to blame for how things are. Courage lies in assessing yourself to see which role you played & what you can do about it. 👌

That fulfillment and glow when you are doing what you love >>>>

Unhealed wounds can push you to do some things thinking you are punishing those who hurt you and not realizing that you too are/could hurt yourself in the process. Heal.

Unhealed wounds can convince you to get into a relationship with someone, sometimes even marry them, not because you like them, they are right for you or anything close to that, but because they are/would be the perfect tool for you to prove a point and settle a score with someone who hurt you. Oh and how heartbreaking it would be to find out why someone is truly with you. Heal.

Unhealed wounds can convince you that it’s better to quit a job or close a business or subtly wish yourself some misfortune to avoid being depended upon than to set boundaries. Heal.

I saw a video where someone said, "don’t let the fear of people seeing you trying hold you back from trying."

I think that's important because some of us are afraid of trying because of what people will say, especially the people who know us. We wonder whether they are mocking us or laughing at us, especially when the results aren't out as publicly as our efforts.

Well, if you are building/want to build something, you have to make peace with the fact that people who know you and those who don't will see you trying- fam, friends, colleagues, neighbours, and strangers. They will see you inviting people to buy your products and services.

Whatever you are onto, you keep trying, because one day, you won’t have to try as hard as you are doing so today. Keep trying because the efforts build up to something

Last month I came across a post on X where someone had asked, “What’s a privilege that most people think it is not?” As you might guess, there were so many responses. What came to mind for me was supportive parents.

I saw this post during the holidays and it coincided well with a chat that I had with my mother. I love engaging her in psychology-related conversations. Ours is usually an exchange aimed at learning, unlearning, and relearning from each other; I tell her what I have learned from books and life and my perspective(s), she tells me about the encounters she has had and/or heard about and gives me her perspective(s). That way, we both learn from each other- we learn about each other’s thought processes in different matters.

During such moments, we don’t try to prove each other right or wrong because, I am glad, she doesn’t step into her role as a mother telling her daughter what is right or wrong based on her beliefs. We are usually two adult women of different ages, with different experiences and aspirations trying to navigate life in a way that is favourable for us, both individually and collectively. I am glad she allows me to be me more of an adult and respects it and I equally give her the respect she deserves.

One of the many conversations we had over the Christmas holidays, although briefly, was about jealous parents. I know, such an uncomfortable topic and non-existent for some. We started off talking about why some people, once they leave their parents’ homes, rarely or never go back to visit, after that meme that whoever was left in the city was because they come from a dysfunctional home. This is not the first time we have talked about this topic, but good thing is that there have been gradual shifts in the exchange. I have seen our conversations shift from, “children must do X” to “there are experiences that can make parents feel a lot more like enemies”

One of the many errors the society makes is to assume that every parent is/will be supportive of their kids, be their number one fan, and clap when they win. Sadly, not all parents do this. I don’t know if we are ready for such a conversation. Some are the main, and sometimes only Debbie Downers. Some mislead intentionally and disguise it in “being older and wiser”. But because of the assumption that parents always want the best for their kids, the people whose parents aren't supportive, have nowhere to go. Some don’t even think such a thing can happen. Some can’t even let the words jealous form fully in their minds because they have been told, directly and/or indirectly, that it is impossible.

Jealous parents exist and their jealousy can manifest in many ways. They can unexpectedly take back something they gave you just when you start thriving, not because they need it, but to thwart your progress. The success of the kids is a threat to them. It can be a reminder of what they did and didn’t do. I heard of a man who asked his only son for a piece of land he had given him when the son got so much profit from farming. The son stopped farming. Funny thing is the dad got the land back and it remained bare for years. He just left to go lease land elsewhere.

They can become your main competition. Some are not even interested in the venture per se, they just want get you out of the picture. They can play the pity card.

They can talk you out of doing something by telling you they have been around a long time so they know better, they have seen more, and as your parent, they only want the best for you.

The jealous parent can go to extreme of cursing/ threaten to curse the child and their offspring just to get their way. Such a parent can threaten or even pull away some things that the child enjoys doing just so they can have it their way.

The jealous parent can assume that when you upgrade your life, you are showing off and rubbing it on their faces. It is not always clear to some that when a child succeeds, the future of the parent is somewhat secure as well. There was a case of a mom who after the holidays bitterly told kids to take all the shopping they had brought home. In her view, the kids were bragging and rubbing it on her because they thought she couldn’t afford the things they brought. To her, they were not doing it out of love, but show off.

So yes, I think having a supportive parent is a privilege that so many of us don't even think about. The support doesn't always have to be financial. It can be emotional like checking on you to see how you are fairing on, engaging you in a stimulating conversation so you can see what you haven't seen, etc.

If you can count on your parent, that's a blessing.

One thing I have learned is that prayers are not always answered in the way we expect. So I started praying for the knowledge to recognise when mine has been answered, even if it's not in the way I expected. I have found myself shifting from a fixed mentality that things should always happen in a certain way and complaining when they don't, to being humble and open to the possibilities and getting excited in the process, to see how things will unfold.

Pray for knowledge recognise when your prayers have been answered. Sometimes we pray for protection and miss the bus, get sick and are unable to go to work, or are stuck in traffic for hours and complain all day about what we missed, not what missed us.

Sometimes we pray for elevation and some people leave us, not knowing that they couldn't accompany us to the next level. Sometimes we pray for an opportunity to live up to our full potential then get fired all of a sudden or we land on an opportunity of a lifetime. Sometimes we pray for financial abundance and we get an idea of a potential business, but end up complaining because we were expecting a windfall of cash as it has happened for others.

Be open to the possibilities ❤️

Start today, so that tomorrow you won't wish you started yesterday. Start today, so that a time like this next year, you won't wish you had started the previous year.

Good morning 🌞

After pain, you become the person inflicting pain to others to make them feel how you felt, the person helping those in pain because you understand how it feels, or the person who is so guarded that you avoid doing anything that would cause pain.

Whom did you become after surviving? 😊

There are people who keep doing certain harmful things, despite knowing better, and their justification is that they haven't encountered some consequences from their actions. So they believe they are safe and whatever they are doing is okay. They believe that whatever they are doing is only bad and worth changing if they experience consequences. Some even flaunt their ways.

Example, someone keeps on stealing and sometimes even flaunts their tricks because they have never been caught. They even flaunt stealing as a good venture. There are people who keep abusing drugs because they have never been hospitalised or experienced any health conditions. So they believe it's okay. They believe that drugs may be harmful, but to them, they are not. They have unique bodies.

They are people who keep disappointing you because you are still with them. They believe that if they are toxic for you, you should have left. But if you are still with them, it means all is good. You can persevere. So no matter how much you tell them that they should change, they don't see the need.

What most people with this attitude don't realise is that when they experience the consequences of their actions as proof that it's time to do better, it might be too late for them to change 💔

If you haven't learned anything from the pattern, the pattern might go on until you do.

I don't know about you but I grew up knowing fine items are for special people aka guests and special occasions. It's what I saw and heard. During 'ordinary' times, people would use the not-so-good looking items, like plastics cups and plates, and the cracked and stained cups and plates. Worn out items were not thrown away quickly. If an item couldn't serve a purpose in a certain state, there was a long search for how to breath life into it by recycling and converting it into something else to serve more months. Worn out stuff could only be thrown away if they were beyond repair, reuse, and recycle.

On one side, someone can argue that keeping the fine stuff is understandable. Example when you have guests, you want them to have a good experience in your home. It also prevents wastage of items because sometimes someone would waste because there are more remaining.

On the flip side, this somehow created and perpetuated thoughts & feelings of not being special, not being worthy of the fine stuff, and one can only feel good if they were a guest in someone's house. And this manifested in many ways such as using low quality products and storing the good ones for special people, holding onto the worn out stuff thinking life could still be breathed onto them and they could last for another year or so.

It's been a journey of unlearning that I should use the unpleasant items during 'ordinary' times because I don't deserve to use them, that items should be recycled and recycled and recycled and recycled until they cannot anymore, that one can only feel good in someone else's house. It's been a journey of learning how to pick a good looking coffee mug and use it and throw away the stained ones, learning how to create special moments for myself, learning how to let go of the old stuff, and reminding myself that I am worthy and every day is a special one.

What are you unlearning?

Don't be so desperate to prove a point that you become someone you never intended to be. Don't be so desperate to prove a point that you endanger yourself or ruin your life in the process.

It's another beautiful day. Have you expressed your gratitude for everything you have?

Someone said, "don't be so desperate that you try to fill every role that you find vacant." I think that's profound and a good sign of loving yourself, respecting yourself, and not stooping too low.

This year, practice gratitude more. Everything is valuable. As soon as you get conscious, say thank you. Be grateful for life, for means of travel, for safe arrivals regardless of the distance, for the love around you, for a home, for a peaceful neighbourhood and country, for a source of income, for a family, for the items in your house, for great health, everything. Say thank you more. It’s not guaranteed that we have (some of) these things, but we do. Say thank you more. Keep a gratitude jar.

This year, don’t talk yourself out of wanting what you truly want because someone said it’s impossible or stupid. This year, don’t force yourself to slot in a goal in your vision board because it’s trending or that’s what others say should be your goal at your age. This year, stick to what truly makes sense to you, what makes you feel real.

This year, do what you said you will do. This year, challenge yourself to start where you are and using what you have. Challenge yourself to stop waiting to see the entire path to walk on it, go for it. Find out where other people started and how they did it. Ask yourself what is in your hands and how you can use it, you may be surprised to know you are sitting on goldmine thinking it’s out there. Ask yourself what you can do, you will be surprised to see how talented you are.

This year, be focused. Follow through. Know your destination. Know the value of time. Know why you haven’t done what you said you will do. Know the distractions you allow and when you usually run to them. Know your most productive hours. Don’t spread yourself too thin. Appreciate the steps. Try to do one thing at a time, unless you should multitask. Eat without holding a phone on the other hand. Deal with the laziness, the procrastination, and the assumption you have forever to do what you can do today. Be present as to know when you are veering off course.

This year, have an open mind. Be a learner. Ask questions. Explore matters from many perspectives. Let go of the need to have everyone on your side or to prove that you can pull a crowd. Let go of the need to show that you are always right. Some situations aren’t about right versus wrong. Be open to knowing what other people do, how they think and what drives them. Read. Talk to people. Watch people. Welcome challenges. Be confident sharing your thoughts. Stop watering down your words. Remove fluff and fillers. Stop fidgeting.

This year, work on yourself. Face your dragons, don’t run. Face the fear of abandonment, rejection, success, failure, and visibility. Analyse your relationships. Check out the patterns in your life and what they tell you about yourself. Stop blaming exes for everything. Check out your reactions. Notice the triggers. Listen for projection in your words. Check your thought patterns and what they do to you. Take your pain seriously and find healthy ways to channel it outside your mind, body, and soul. Initiate and sit through the uncomfortable conversations. Go to therapy. Journal. Walk. Exercise. Know your value. Clap for others when they win. Deal with lumps of jealousy that might come up when others win, get married, are promoted, travel, buy properties, or glow. Rest. Declutter. Take social media breaks. Deal with the negative voice in your head.

This year, remember the rainy day, it might be helpful to someone someday, I’m not predicting doom. Know which kind of help is available around you like authorities. Get contacts of ambulance lines and mental health support contacts. Be a good steward of what you have. Don’t blow all your earnings because everyone’s doing it or tomorrow will worry about itself. Pick notes from your gratitude jar and read them when you are feeling down.

This year, love intentionally, yourself and others. Forgive yourself and others. Speak up. Show up. Do something nice for yourself once in a while. Plan game nights, date nights, study nights, cooking dates, play dates, and attend them when you are invited. Go out with your spouse, your son, daughter, mom, dad, auntie, uncle. Step outside your house. Remind your people how much you love them. Send your people cute messages randomly to help them stay course, even if it’s not a birthday or anniversary. Check on them. Assure them. Reason with them. Correct them.

This year, seek joys around you. Dance to your favourite song, even for two minutes. Take pictures of yourself doing random stuff. Record yourself doing random stuff. You don’t have to wait till you have enough for a photo shoot in another town. This year, unburden yourself. Refuse to inherit hatred from your parents, siblings, aunties, friends, partners, or colleagues. If you are carrying it, put it down.

This year, welcome the good that comes your way. Don’t sabotage or turn away because you feel like you should be lacking something at any particular time. This year, enjoy.
A good one

There are different kinds of starting over, let's tackle two today. The first one you embark on when reinventing yourself and you want to align yourself with your authentic self. The other one is when you have hit rock bottom and the only options are to either stay down there or push yourself to do something about your situation.

In the first kind of starting over, you are not so pushed to do it, you just choose to do it a certain way. To you, it’s a necessary part of the process and you don’t mind the results. You feel like what you own and your lifestyle doesn’t truly align with the kind of person you are (becoming). You can let go of the things you don’t want bit by bit, but you don’t do it this way. Sometimes you wake up one day and decide you can’t keep living a certain way and you just stop. You do a 360 cleanse.

You don’t mind giving away (almost) every piece of furniture, cloth, or utensils. You just do it. You don’t mind having clothes that can barely last a week after being used to having so many that people assumed you owned a factory. You don’t mind shaving your hair or what anyone will say about the new look, changing your dressing, changing your phone number, relocating to another town or country, moving to a smaller house, cutting some ties, going back to school, closing the business, quitting a job, or deleting your socials. You just do it. You choose to be out of sight and you don’t mind being out of mind. You are completely unbothered by what anyone says or would say. You are fired up.

The second type of starting over is painful because none of the options are pleasant. You are in pain for hitting rock bottom. Whether the fall was sudden or gradual, the pain is there. Negative thoughts have field days in your mind. A shrill voice tells you, "you have to do something about this. You can't keep living like this." A loud one responds, " It's safe here. Just a little longer. Don't aim too high. Don't try again. What if you fail again? What if you find yourself heartbroken again, divorced again, betrayed again, bankrupt again? What if, don't do it." The loud one wins sometimes, or most times.

In this kind of starting over, it's all on you. If you stay down there, that’s a ticket of being miserable, angry, and regretful later on. If you decide to rise up, there’s fear, there’s a bitter taste of the past, and remains to be dealt with. You have to choose. Here you realize the loudest person in the room is not always the correct one.

May goodness follow everyone who is starting over, in whichever way they are doing it. ❤️

Let's talk education & careers

What do you wish you knew before graduating? 🥰

Train yourself to stop blowing situations out of proportion. Just because someone didn't see your value doesn't mean no one ever will. 🥰

I hope you learn all the lessons that you need to in that phase of your life.

Good morning 🌅

Most of us are healing from childhood traumas. We have seen just how critical this phase is in shaping us. May we be wise not to inflict the wounds on the young ones in our lives ❤️

Talk to your young ones about and related matters. Assure them that it's normal to feel anxious when they are about to do their exams, get results, and make friends. Assure them that they can overcome anxiety, no matter how crippling and impossible some situations seem.

Tell them it's normal to feel angry, sad, mad, and confused as they transition from one phase to the other and these can be navigated in a non-confrontational way. Tell them it's normal to feel insecure about their bodies as they grow and they can overcome the feeling and feel their beautiful selves again. 🥰❤️

Learn how to handle the quiet moments in your life. Those moments when you are not working, there is nothing for you to do and you in your space alone, and not always because our relationships are sore.

Some of us don't know how to handle ourselves when we are alone. We always turn to our phones and laptops to distract ourselves until someone comes in. Or we agree to doing things we don't feel like just to avoid being alone.

Being alone can be lonely sometimes, but those moments can be turning points. Use them to reflect. Use them to see what you really think and how you really feel about being alone. Use them to understand yourself- your motivations, dreams, traumas, triggers, habits in different environments, and your growth.

Use them to assess your relationships, to see whether you are in relationships because they are elevating you or out of loneliness and belief that that's what you should do or there are no other options. Use them to reflect on your life's path, where you have been, where you are, and where you are heading. Use them to challenge your mind.

❤️

Heal so that when people are kind, honest, and loving to you, you won't immediately think they are faking it.

Heal so that you can mentally and emotionally accept that there are people are kind, loving, and with pure intentions.

Happy New Month! 🥰❤️

A lie is like a drop of poison poured into a jar of milk. No matter how small the drop is, it renders the milk unhealthy for consumption.