How My Gems are Mined

As a mother, I’ve come to realize that the time I spent playing Tetris when I was a child is all worth it. Stacking things without spaces in between is a life skill.

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A series of Gwen’s sketches and water color paintings

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Towards the Unknown

I have been on leave since 2021 ended and all I can say is it’s relatively easier to work than to stay at home and be a full-time housewife. They were just five months but it felt like years. We had milestones in those months that’s worth than a decade of experience. I left my last military unit, moved into a new house, celebrated the holidays, became COVID positive, tested negative after a day, received “ayuda” from the City, had a baby, fought a battle with a toddler, breastfed a baby, had days without household help, hired a helper the she left after a month, hired another then had to let her go after two weeks, hired a third one then she left after a month but thankfully came back. It was a roller coaster of emotions and draining both physically and mentally.

Today is my first day as a civilian and I don’t know what the future holds for me. 20 years as an Army and I could still vividly recall the feeling of cold Baguio City air the first time I breathed its pine-scented breeze. The decision to enter PMA led me to the life I have envisioned myself to have. It is where I met my husband, gained life long friends and shaped me to succeed against seemingly insurmountable challenges.

Life in the military is difficult but it is also rewarding. It has exposed me to a lot of people and situation that I might not be able to encounter if not because of the uniform. It has taught me lessons beyond my years. Leaving the military is like leaving a home where I grew up and moving into foreign place. Though I have never known a life besides donning the uniform, 20 years of service has prepared me to chin up, brace up and face the unknown.

P.S. I just realized today that finding a photo of me in uniform is really challenging.

To all moms who are too tired even just to eat, whose chest are full of scratches and whose limbs are aching from standing and dancing your babies to sleep, we conquered another day! Good job for today!

On how we (Somehow) Tamed an Angry Toddler

Parenting articles advice that a toddler must be prepared before a new baby comes. One technique was to let the child talk to your baby bump and inform her that a small baby is coming. Talk to big tummy, check. Another technique was to bring a gift when coming home from the hospital as if the new baby has a present for the bigger sibling. Gift for big sister, check. They also say visitors must acknowledge the toddler first before greeting the new baby. Forcing the visitors to say hi to Gwen before anything else, check. Did the applied techniques prevented Gwen from being jealous? Multiple ✖️✖️✖️✖️✖️.

What happened to my sweet little baby after she had a sister? She became another person I could not recognize who screams a lot, cries a lot and hits anyone. She doesn’t want to sleep, eat, take a bath, change her diapers or even p**p. Suddenly she’s citing words we cannot understand despite being able to clearly communicate before turning two. The only clear word she could say is NO which is also the only answer to all the questions asked of her. Dealing with her is like walking on eggshells. She was unpredictable.

During that time I was crying a lot and screaming a lot too. It was too much for me. My husband had to constantly remind me that Gwen is still a baby and I should treat her with patience. It was easy to say, very hard to apply. Patience is not my virtue. Specially when I was literally a zombie who still feels the pain of episiotomy and ligation.

I am thankful that my older sister was with us during that time. She made me realize how Gwen feels because according to her, that is how she felt when I was born. She’s ten years older than me but still she felt that no one cares nor minds her anymore. She had to name the broom and dustpan to have someone to talk to. She stopped taking piano lessons and even stopped being an honor student. My mother giving birth to me, ruined her life that time. If that’s how a ten year old felt, how much can my three year old handle?

What we did was constantly talk to Gwen. We reminded her that she’s beautiful, kind and intelligent. We showed her photos when she was a baby and how we took care of her. My husband and I make sure at least one parent is giving her the attention she requires. We read her books that she can relate to and imitate in real life. We gave her activities like writing and tracing her name, drawing, reading, and building blocks (Lego and Connetix are her favorites). We applied her in Kumon. Most importantly, I learned how to be patient and gentle with her. If I cannot be kind, I just choose my battles against her.

After a while, we didn’t have to force her to take a bath then she started to p*e and p**p in the toilet bowl. She now asks for food, munches on fruits, biscuits, and other snacks the whole day. She has gained weight already. She is now more gentle with her sister, talks to the baby like an adult or as how we talk to them. She’s back to being funny and witty. She became herself again.

I have hurt Gwen a lot of times, physically, verbally, and emotionally. I am in tears thinking of how it might affect her not just as a child but as an adult. It pains me more that after our quarrels, she will hug and kiss me and still want to be near me. Her love assures me that she will be okay. She makes me feel that eventhough I cannot forgive myself, she FORGIVES me, ALWAYS and EVERYTIME.

IMHO why Motherhood is More Difficult Than Plebehood

First let me define the term plebehood for those who might not be familiar with the term. Plebehood is what we call the freshman year in the Philippine Military Academy (PMA). It is when a full-fledged civilian is transformed and introduced into military life. Plebes are to trot while inside the barracks, run whenever outside the halls, jog in place while waiting in formation, shout when greeting upperclassmen and stay awake at night preparing uniforms. In the messhall, a plebe is there not to eat but to observe the needs of the upperclassmen, bring condiments they like, pour them a glass of water, hand the next viand and ask the “manong” (messhall assistants) for more rice or servings. Tasks are not restricted to what I’ve only mentioned, there are other compliances that only an upperclass’ imagination is the limit and all of these are done while also studying. In a nutshell, it was a 180 degree turn of a life carefree 17-year old me to a soldier.

Fastforward 20 years after plebehood, i became a mother for the second time. Taking care of firstborn, Gavin, may I categorically say, is a breeze. He is an easy baby who is ever kind and gentle. As a normal toddler, he had episodes but most of the time, well-behaved. He is a teenager now and I hope and pray he will stay that way. Then came Gwen, generally, also an easy baby who might be “pilya” (playful) but very warm and loving. Gwen is our cutie-patootie, until, our third child, Giana was born. Can you imagine a movie scenario when there are two hysterically crying toddlers and their Dad is confused on how to comfort each? We were two people crying our hearts out, shouting on top of our lungs and bawling at each other. That’s how I and my then almost three-year old Gwen look like after I delivered my yougest Giana, except that I was not a toddler but already a full-grown adult. Shame on me for fighting with a toddler, I know, but believe it or not, it was emotionally uncontrollable. I just couldn’t help but cry, cover my ears and yell. I felt tired, sad, angry, disappointed, afraid, and lonely all at the same time. I might have been suffering from post-partum depression or I might just have been super worn out because of lack of sleep. I was not really sure of what it was, all I know is I just gave birth, breastfeeding a newborn and I have a clingy toddler also demanding for my care. That toddler cannot express how she feels and frustrated that she is not “the baby” anymore. I dread waking up and facing another day of rumble with a person not even half of my height. I dread sleeping and anticipating to be awakened at night by a shrieking child.

I thought I was prepared for motherhood, I’ve surpassed plebehood! Oh boy, it was different! Plebehood and motherhood are both exhausting, draining, confusing and yes, truly character building. During plebehood what you need is to survive the difficulties one day at a time but in motherhood you prioritize the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs not of yourself but of your child. Another life depends on you. Plebehood ends after a year, motherhood lasts a lifetime. After plebehood, you will be allowed to sleep at night and even during your free time. Motherhood will make you lose sleep your whole life thinking about your child’s future.

I am happy to report that my days now are peaceful, my angry toddler has mellowed down. I discovered that she mirrors how I was reacting, I learned to take deep breaths, control my emotions and calm down. I still burst out every now and then but we’re not both toddlers anymore, I grew up as a mother. I am thankful for plebehood for preparing me for motherhood.

Gwen is our answered prayer. Our firstborn is already 11 years old when she was born and I had two miscarriages before her. Imagine our excitement when she came into our lives. My husband and I thought she’ll be our last child and so she was showered with all the love and attention we could give.

But God had other plans and I became pregnant again. We asked for a boy, so he won’t be a rival of our princess, but God ever comic, gave us another baby girl. Gwen is emotionally advanced but she’s still a baby and when her baby sister came, she became a difficult kid. She regressed and spoke words we cannot understand, she doesn’t want to eat, doesn’t want to sleep, doesn’t even want to p**p!

For more than a month, her baby sister had to sleep in her rocker because Gwen would kick her sister if she finds her in our bed. She would cry before sleeping at night without any reason. She would also cry if she finds a reason to cry. She would hit other people out of nowhere. I had postpartum depression trying to balance taking care of a baby and a toddler (I will write about this in another detailed post).

We read a lot of articles on how to address our toddler’s issues almost every night. They always tell you to be patient, make them feel loved, be kind to them and the likes. I applied all of them but what’s difficult for me is to be consistently kind and gentle when you lack sleep and energy. For me, motherhood is more difficult than plebehood (Another comprehensive explanation in another post).

I still have a lot to say about what I’ve learned the past three months but a toddler is now calling me to sleep beside her. Here is Gwen’s photo eating bread because she said “Di na ako galit ke Giana” (I am not angry with Giana anymore.) And because she’s not angry anymore, she said she’ll eat bread already. Talk about her logic 🤪

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