Christopher J Schalge

Happy New Year from me and my boo! 🎉🥳 Wishing you all a year filled with happiness, love, and good health.

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Feel first, think second: is our brain really cut out for the modern world? | Big Think Feel first, think second: is our brain really cut out for the modern world? , with Paul Bloom, Dan Ariely, Daniel Dennett and moreSubscribe to Big Think on Y...

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How to Thrive in the Battle of Life Access 45+ membership videos (more added each month) ► http://academyofideas.com/members/**Join via Paypal or Credit Card or Bitcoin**===Get the transcript (...

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AA and NA can be excellent services, but they are not a good fit for everybody. Suffice it to say, there can be may reasons for this. Perhaps what you need a more personal approach that is both private and flexible. As an expert in this area, I offer two possible paths forward: harm reduction and abstinence. As to the former, maybe what you’re needing is to simply to cut down. You may be stuck in a pattern of overuse that is not working for you, but you can’t seem to get out of it on your own. Or maybe you realize it is time to stop altogether. Only you can know what is best for you. This is something we can figure out together. We will come up with a plan that navigates the obstacle of addiction or overuse so that you can arrive where you want to be in your life. Finally, I will help you stick to that plan and see it through; having someone in your corner can make all the difference. There are always more options available than you can possibly see on your own, and there are more ways to get where you want to be than you know about. This is true for everybody no matter what their goals. Take it from someone who has been there, and who also has education, training, and a great deal of professional experience in this area. You don’t have to go it alone. I’m here to help. Last thing, know that reaching out is not a commitment or promise to anything. So let talk and figure out your options.

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Being chronically nice entails acting in a way that we believe will please or not anger other people. In other words, we are repressing what we authentically want to say and do, and even what we feel and think. Repression leads to depression and anxiety. On the other hand, speaking your mind can set you free, albeit done well. This is easier said than done, but it is a learnable skill... for everyone.

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Without purpose we are adrift in a sea of meaninglessness. Purpose gives direction, focus, satisfaction, a sense of aliveness, and it steers us through adversity. Everyone has a purpose, a reason detre, whether you know it yet or not. Step one is figuring out what makes you feel alive and gives you deep soul satisfaction.

This is a learnable skill… for everybody.

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‘Know thyself’ means being aware of your patterns – your wants, needs, and passions, what attracts you and what repels you, your strengths and weaknesses, your limitations and potentials, what drains you and what lights you up. Knowing this is the bedrock to building a life of authenticity that is specific to you and you alone. If you don’t know these things, you will be running the downloads from society, religion, culture, and parenting. There is nothing inherently wrong with this programing. However, without “knowing thyself’ you will not be able to distinguish between what others want for you and what you want for you. Living out other people’s software will likely lead to a sense of meaninglessness and deadness – “a dream deferred” (Langston Hughes). Living the truth of what you discover about yourself can lead to a life of meaning and aliveness – a sense of ‘a place in the family of things’ (Mary Oliver). This is a much more difficult path. It is steep, rocky, and serpentine, yet the rewards are more than worth it!

This is a learnable skill… for everybody.

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Simultaneously, an inspiring and terrifying quote.

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No matter how well intentioned or ambitious we are, it is simply not possible to do it all. You must pick and choose what is most deserving of your attention. No doubt, it feels good to crush it! Leaning in on a challenge can be rewarding, not only as an accomplishment, but as a confidence booster leading us to even bigger challenges.

But giving it our all takes time and effort. There are only so many hours in a day and so much gas in our tank as well as many competing tasks - at work, at home, in our communities, and in politics. At times, everyone needs to cut corners, let things go, delegate, or just say ‘no’.

How you go about choosing makes all the difference. For starters, making lists can be very helpful in giving us peace of mind. Rather than having loose threads interrupt our sleep, lists can bring a sense of organization and control. When making a list, it’s important that items be prioritized both in significance and on a timeline. Once you have your lists, don’t just let them collect dust; they need to be checked routinely. Posting them as a hard copy in a highly visible spot will help.

On a meta-level, making lists can be a highly effective tool for truly understanding what is relatively important and what is ultimately important to us. When we mindfully decide what gets priority, we overcome the tendency to default to habit and external pressures.
The choices we make define who we are. Choose wisely.

This is a learnable skill… for everybody.

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Asking for what we want can be much harder than it sounds. What if we are rejected or labeled as difficult? Many people would just rather not ask or just not acknowledge our wants and needs. How many times have you kicked yourself after the moment has passed for not speaking up for yourself? On the other hand, when people develop the ability to skillfully ask for what they want a whole new world of possibilities opens up. Higher workplace compensation, greater romantic fulfilment, better life satisfaction, the list goes on. This is a learnable skill for everybody.

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Divisions over toxic politics has left countless families and relationships in shambles. Knowing how to handle this division and how to move forward can be incredibly difficult to figure out. It can leave a person feeling confused and even “crazy”. These schisms have lead to divorce, loss of friendships, and people needing to break away from their families just to maintain their sanity. The toxic environment created by Trumpism and Q Anon has left many people separated and alone without a support system.

There are several solutions I have to offer to this problem. First, you will be empathetically listen to and deeply understood. This may sound somewhat insignificant, but in practice it will make a huge difference in regaining a sense of sanity, confidence, and self-worth. Second, I will provide a safe container for unfiltered venting. You will finally be hear, listened to, and understood, as well as accepted and appreciated. This is fundamentally important and is largely what is missing from your family relationships that is causing you pain. Third, we will work together to clarify what your beliefs are and figure out exactly what is the problem in your family or friendship. Forth, you will learn interpersonal communication skills. This will include how to stay calm in ‘crazy making’ or gaslighting situations. You learn to be assertive, set healthy boundaries, and clearly speak your mind. You will also learn stress coping skills and how to not take your family’s beliefs personally. We cannot fix your family. Nonetheless, what we can do is help you to feel better about yourself and come to a place of acceptance of your family and clarify what change is possible and what is not. This will alleviate a majority of the strife and suffering because you will no longer be trying to get something that they simply don't have to give.

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Today is the Fall Equinox which marks the changing of the seasons and of the night-day balance. I invite you to participate in this shift with intentionality and conscientiously. Today is a time to take stock of the past and plan for the future. I suggest making a gratitude list of the bounty of the Summer months and plans for how you would like to spend the Winter months.

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This quote so perfectly gives a linear summary of the process of intentional change and development. However, reading between the lines one must understand that change is never straightforward and orderly, rather it is serpentine and chaotic. If you don't know this you will think there is something wrong with you. Nonetheless, bringing intentionality to the process is a sea change. There are things in ourselves and in our lives that we can change and things we cannot. When we know the difference then we know what to do, that is, to apply will or acceptance. This is key to success in achieving life satisfaction and thriving. This is a learnable skill for everybody.

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When we were kids and we did something wrong to someone, we were commanded by an adult to say, “I’m sorry,” and somehow everything was magically made okay. Then we just went back to playing. As adults this doesn’t cut it. There is much more involved in making an apology, but it can be explained in a 5-step process.

1) As with all intentional change, awareness is the first step—becoming aware of the situation and assessing what happened. To do this properly you will need to access humility, sincerity, openness, willingness, and empathy. If you have determined that what you did or didn’t do lacked integrity or was unnecessarily hurtful or selfish, then an apology is in order. If you can’t see what you did wrong, perhaps you can ask the other person to help you understand.
2) Don’t make excuses or state reasons to justify yourself. This is a stumbling point for many people. Simply state what you did that was wrong and how you believe it affected the other person – full stop. In other words, take full responsibility for your action and its effects. This can be harder than it sounds. And be sure to place the accent on how your actions affected the other person; that is the most important thing here. As for the feeling part of this situation, it is appropriate to feel a degree of the pain you caused. You do not have to prostrate yourself for mundane situations but taking on part of this hurt is a type of contrition and establishes a true bond of empathy and understanding.
3) Make amends if needed. For example, if you were supposed to do a thing and didn’t do it, make sure you do it asap.
4) Whether the situation is small or large, make a commitment to do your best to not repeat the thing you are apologizing for - and follow through! This is how trust and loyalty are truly earned. If you go right back to the same old habits, well that suggests that you don’t really care and are just going through the motions. It is the actions that follow the words that make the difference. And believe you me, people take note. You may have forgotten about the commitment, but they haven’t.
5) Last thing, when all of the other steps are said and done, check to see if the two of you are square. And ask if there is anything else you can do for them at this time.
It probably sounds like a lot. Most people never learned this growing up, but learning it now will serve you well at work, socially, and romantically. It will take work to learn, but once learned, it will come fairly easily, and it will be more than worth it. The benefits are huge and well worth the effort.

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Being seen, understood, and appreciated. From the cradle to the grave these three needs are core to every human's well-being. Receiving them is like being fed a nutritious and delicious meal. Attending to them is like preparing that meal for a loved one. And true to this analogy we require that these needs be nourished every day. When these needs aren’t met on a regular basis, we become ill: depression, anxiety, hypertension, heart disease, etc. For being deeply seen (and seeing others) helps us to know our value and makes the difficult parts of life worth the effort. The ability to attend to these needs in others as well as to ‘let in’ appreciation is largely determined by our upbringing. However, if you were not taught this as a child it is still very much learnable as an adult for everybody.

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Clarity is a superpower! The ability to call a duck a duck or to make a decision because you know the outcome or to clearly see the path forward is clarity. Clarity is blocked by fear and insecurity. Few people possess this ability and helping people find their clarity is my specialty.

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Critical thinking skills are essential for effective decision making and successfully working with people. Irrationality and use of disingenuous tactics are commonplace. There are patterns to this that have been mapped out and named. They are known as fallacies and cognitive errors. It takes training to recognize them and call out these patterns by name in the heat of the moment. However, once learned this is a powerful tool in achieving clarity in decision making, assessing risk, and knowing who to trust. This is a learnable skill for everybody.

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There is a hard truth here that pains me to impart, but you will know it is true when you hear it. Most organization will take and take and take and only give back begrudgingly. At the end of the day, we are the ones who need to make sure out needs are being met. This sucks and I wish it were different, but this is the world we live in. This means being forthright, saying 'no' at times, communicating your needs, in other words, setting healthy boundaries, assertiveness skills, grounding, clarity, and interpersonal communication skills. Having a skilled and experienced life coach in your corner can make all the difference. These are learnable skills for everybody.

"Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people."
— C.G. Jung, Letter to Kendig B. Cully, 25 September 1931; Letters vol. 1 (1973)

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Relationships are what makes or brakes us. Also known as bonds or attachments or "we", our relationships with our spouse / life-partner, family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, etc. are at the core of who we are both individually and collectively. No person is an island or a lone wolf. Without someone to share our successes with, they are meaningless. One way to look at relationships is to consider them like a living thing. If you assume that a relationship will always be there, it will likely wither and die. Rather, treat the "we" like a wild song bird in your hands. Handle the "we" with gentle strength, attentiveness, and tenderness and it will sing.

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We all try out new good habits, but sooner or later we slip out of many of them. When we are doing them we feel good, we are more productive, and have a deep sense of satisfaction. Then things get crazy as they always eventually do and we slip back into our default bad habits. That is often how life goes. That is why I am proposing a once a year reset, aka, 1 month of perfection. List out every good habit that you have every done or have wanted to do. This does not have be daily for every item. Some can be once a week (i.e., hiking), but make a schedule for 30 day and do it. Dietary habits, exercise, meditation, creative expression, sleeping, connection with your partner, cleaning your home, hygiene, budgeting, so on and so forth. By the end you will feel great, not only because of the newly engrained and stabilized habits, but because of your accomplishment. Not all of your good habits will stick, but that is part of the design. You are doing very well if 60% or even 40% stick moving forward. It will be a challenge, no doubt, but nothing worth doing was ever easy. This is where a life coach comes in to keep you on track and ensure success.

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We all mess up at times; this is inevitable. Fixing a rupture in the connection is one of the most powerful things we can do to instill trust and strengthen bonds. It does not matter what the relationship is: romantic, parent-child, at work, friends, etc. A full presence apology shows that you see them, understand them, and appreciate them. The willingness to drop your defenses, take responsibility for your actions and the pain that you have caused will go a very long way in strengthening connection. This is by no means and easy thing to do. It takes training on multiple levels: emotional, beliefs, self-esteem, and communication. Stay tuned for stepwise instructions on making a full presence apology. This a learnable skill... for everybody.

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Being seen, understood, and appreciated. From the cradle to the grave these three needs are core to every human's well-being. Receiving them is like being fed a nutritious and delicious meal. Attending to them is like preparing that meal for a loved one. And true to this analogy we require that these needs be nourished every day. When these needs aren’t met on a regular basis, we become ill: depression, anxiety, hypertension, heart disease, etc. For being deeply seen (and seeing others) helps us to know our value and makes the difficult parts of life worth the effort. The ability to attend to these needs in others as well as to ‘let in’ appreciation is largely determined by our upbringing. However, if you were not taught this as a child it is still very much learnable as an adult for everybody.