OPA Foods

Today's Daily Giggle - Wife: Whatcha doing?

Me: Nothing.

Wife: You did that yesterday.

Me: I wasn't finished....

Today's Daily Giggle - A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course. How much was the roast?"

"$7.98," said the butcher.

A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read, Legal Consultation Service: $150....

Today's Daily Giggle - A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!”

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”

Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”....

Gig'em!

George Strait tops one of the most successful live bands in history to set new US concert attendance record | CNN All of George Strait’s fans, friends and exes must live in Texas.

Today's Daily Giggle - A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up.

Her husband asked the reason.

She replied, "I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it's not recognizing me without makeup."...

Today's Daily Giggle - I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper when a guy comes over and asks, "Are you reading that?"

I didn’t know what to say. So I said, "Yes."

I then stood up, turned the page, and sat down again....

Today's Daily Giggle - "You admit having broken into the dress shop two times?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, your Honor," he replied.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in twice!"

"Yes, your Honor," sighed the suspect. "I had to exchange it. My wife didn't like the color."....

Today's Daily Giggle - Joe says to Bill, "Want to see a picture of my aunt?"

Bill said, "Sure."

So Joe takes out a picture.

Bill says, "What are you talking about? That's not your aunt! That's a picture of a fish!"

Joe says, "Well sure it is... it's my Aunt Chovy!"....

Today's Daily Giggle - As Mr. Aging was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do.

"It must be true," she said. "That's the second time you've read that article to me."....

Today's Daily Giggle - Teacher: "Johnny, if you have $20 in one pant pocket, and $35 in the other pant pocket, what do you have?"

Johnny: "That's easy, I have someone else's pants!"...

Today's Daily Giggle - I’ve started growing herbs in my garden.

To help identify them I’m growing them in alphabetical order.

My neighbour asked me, “How do you find the time?”

I said, “Easy, it’s right here next to the sage.”...

Today's Daily Giggle - I made a playlist for hiking. it has music from The Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix....

Today's Daily Giggle - Junior: Mother, I can’t find my baseball mitt.

Mother: Did you look in the car?

Junior: Where in the car?

Mother: Try the glove compartment....

Today's Daily Giggle - A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."...

Today's Daily Giggle - A local laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn't swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it.

"Is it true?" the newcomer asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"

"No I can't," the captain replied. "Can pilots fly?"...

Today's Daily Giggle - Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."...

Today's Daily Giggle - I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins...

I call it 'Baptismal Font.'...

Today's Daily Giggle - I went out for a run this morning, but I came back after a couple of minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I can't run for more than a couple of minutes....

Today's Daily Giggle - Little Johnny was spending a week on his Uncle Pete's farm and was helping with the chores. One day he was helping the farm hands to spread out a stack of hay to dry out.

Finally Little Johnny could contain his curiosity no longer so he asked, as he was wiping his brow, "Uncle Pete, is it a needle in a haystack we're looking for?"....

There is only one city in all of North America with two teams still alive in the NBA and NHL playoffs.

That city is Dallas, Texas.

Today's Daily Giggle - "Oh, I'm so happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his dad's side. "Now maybe mom will do the trick she has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.

"I heard her tell daddy," the little boy answered, "that she would climb the walls if you came to visit us again....

Today's Daily Giggle - My wife was shopping and sent me a picture of her in a dress she was thinking of buying and asked me, “Does this dress make me look big?”

I answered back, "Noooo..."

Autocorrect changed my answer, to “Moooo...”

Please send help!....

Today's Daily Giggle - John, an avant-garde painter got married.

Someone asked the bride a few weeks after the wedding, "How's married life, Helen?"

"It's great," she answered. "John paints and I cook; then we try to guess what he painted and what I cooked.".....

Today's Daily Giggle - It was different when we were kids.

In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts...

To make ashtrays for Mother's Day....

Today's Daily Giggle - TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!....

Today's Daily Giggle - A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning. First, he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour.

To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked, "Why don’t you just throw out the pest?"

“Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a grin, "we don’t even have an air conditioner.”...

Today's Daily Giggle - Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter....

Today's Daily Giggle - A hypothetical situation where 20 CEO's board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilot less technology: It is an un-crewed aircraft.

Each one of the CEO's is then told, privately, that their company's software is Aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEO's promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed, asked why he is so confident in this first un-crewed flight, he replies "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."....

Today's Daily Giggle - Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.

"Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a 'K' in the front?"

After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"....

Today's Daily Giggle - Teacher: "You are the only one in the entire class who makes so many mistakes in the homework assignment."

Student: "That is not true, I am not the only one. My parents are involved in this as well!".....