Is My Grief Actual Real? Meghan’s Journey

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(This hurts too much to go through alone and no one cares I can’t believe my own brother at least refuses to see this it really hurts too much I hope he sees this in the email)
The Meatloaf

The half gone rectangle pot of meatloaf flashes back.

The last food he ate. Recently he said his mother would make it for him.

No one to process any grief with. It cuts even deeper with my own brother and sister unable to see the level of lies they have been fed. We all didn’t see it for so long. I only learned of the truth when certain situations surfaced while they were living out of state and I couldn’t even word it. Something wasn’t right when I was trapped and alone because our mother seemed sweet when asking me to watch dad after his heart attack and no one was the same and everything got terrifying. I didn’t even know why and my mother’s response to what happened wasn’t normal at all. Then I had no way to know where my dad was or weather dead or alive when I was ambushed by police asking me to come with them and my mother blasted in her social media and more that I was unstable. This didn’t make sense and I was being stalked and I just found a place to go only to have gone through this again still not able to know where my dad was as other’s fundraising off his cancer and heart attack behind his back as he had nothing and was watched and had everything brought to him and worse. Plus the threatening texts to him and more I knew something was wrong but anyways.

Though as the truth surfaced here my brother and sister were kept from communicating with me and whatever I did try to tell them it wasn’t believed. Understandably. It’s not supposed to be something to fathom how a mother does this and admits she faked everything and the monster comes out to who she wants and plays a very convincing victim face to others as it gets more isolating. People will believe a wife and mother figure.

My brother and sister have been groomed long conditioned that I have been unstable and whatever else was fed so nothing I say will be taken seriously no matter what. This has been dangerous. Extremely. I have had no one to process this grief with because of the lies they have been fed. Now they're even further one in Italy one in Germany so more separation and estrangement.

If they knew the last few years they would understand how I can’t trust the system because it’s still unanswered questions and everything I have attempted to call for help on anything turned out to be a trap. I tried the counseling and it wasn’t anything a counselor on zoom could understand. Trying to word my situation the counselor said “that’s a lot of power for just one person” though don’t professionals know about manipulators? Though it’s not easy to find good therapists or experienced locally. The only hope was some family before things get too ruined but it’s hard to get through to them.

I have never witnessed a death. I went through a lot to be there for my dad. I knew he was setup to end up at the apartment alone. It was by chance I was there.

No one to process that with or ask how he was the last couple of years. No concern about the last couple of weeks, days or hours.

Dad and I had many talks and struggles and it’s heartbreaking to have so many turned against us seeing us in contempt. Literally looked at in contempt by everyone we knew and loved. It was slowly done behind our backs. The reality of realizing the betrayal is a lot already but it was worse than some could imagine. Unnecessary.

I asked about his childhood at times and asked about what his dad would say in certain circumstances. Grief was and is very heavy with the losses of this, next to no contact with my siblings and their kids. Our characters ruined without us there and the pain already is agony on top of the plotted case on him he faced alone and on probation as frail and depleted as he was. He remained very sweet as he always was and genuinely. He never lost hope, that's all we had.

He was optimistic about getting the situation taken care of between me and him so he could get a passport and go see my brother in person to restore time and heal. The lawyer we put money together for kept being distant. Dad kept getting sicker and hernias coming out of nowhere all over and spreading fast as doctors took extremely long time to respond to anything as urgent as it was. His type 1 diabetes was fluctuating constantly I had to call the ambulance nearly every other day and some of them were plain scrutinizing once they’d brought him back to consciousness. Dad was fighting for his life.

Few years ago I knew a lady who came from a rather liberal Jewish background told me when someone is mentioning their mother it means death could be soon. That their mother is the first to welcome them to death. That came to my mind when I think I sensed the signs of end of life but wasn’t sure. Then the making of meatloaf that his mother made him as a kid. He had a moment few months prior to his passing; it felt very real for him; he was very sure his dad was in the other room. “My dad is in the other room he’ll talk to you, he’ll let you know I’m okay” he said after coming up from a low blood sugar. His dad passed away when I was too young to remember.

The pleading for someone to hold his hand the last couple of incidents the ambulance came was not like any way i have heard anyone say it and it’s still something that comes to my mind. “Can someone please hold my hand? I need human contact.” Something about the tone and I can’t explain it all it sticks with me in a different way. Very significant as far as what really matters in the end for us. To have loved ones, your own flesh and blood, the body of Christ, people you love and worked for all taken from you by lies and more regardless how they agree this was very real. Loneliness especially in most vulnerable times impacts more than we know and we are physically at our best when in communion making life expectancy longer. Keeping our parents and grandparents who loved us around is one of the best things for our own family history and wisdom. The importance at the end is the ones who you love and love you. Of course when it’s paramedics it’s someone with gloves on holding his hand of course to someone doing their job it’s not his kids and grandchildren. No day goes by that pain never hurts. To see the pain in his eyes regardless of everything physically locked away from him and the nasty letter from the bishop making him a complete layman as if the clergy status never happened and it was vicious. There was no defense for him but we tried to sort things out I wished for him to restore the situation so he can be back in a Divine Liturgy again as much as so much was locked away intentionally. It was very deeply hurtful that the bishop only answered my calls the day my dad passed and that was so cold and heartbreaking and I knew it was all planned like it was being waited for. I have never lost anyone and no one has asked me anything about any of this and it’s not someone that cared about dad behind this. It’s already the problem that it’s my mother that was being so cold hearted many years and very deceptive. Separating her own blood for her benefit but I was worried for a life that now won’t come back. They rushed the funeral funeral and more and had him back in vestments in a church in his coffin? This was so cold that it hurts me so deeply because no human being deserves this.

I can’t imagine how they could stomach seeing my dad in a coffin and they kept it run by people who hardly known him prior to last couple years only under significantly distressing times and I had no idea. Lies and division is not love and to do everything with no remorse or consideration or empathy especially when they are basically still warm from the hospital but just won’t defend themselves now is so unbelievable. There was no reason for me his oldest daughter to be so thrown under the bus that was my father. Lies are not love. Not at all.

My brother showed photos on facebook of his little boys and him having a angel food cake on Dad’s 69th birthday remembering dad’s favorite cake and I remember he wished dad was there talking to them. Well ask anything about how he was last couple years! Ask me… that’s next best thing and I spent a lot of time with him and he even said peacefully recently about my brother “he is a wonderful person” he knew my brother and sister are victims here. Being lied to about to about everything is no small thing especially from a mother to their children as the very person who they trust. Instead screws with their reality and she even admitted about my brother’s wife how to she always treated me saying it’s her “natural response to my estrangement from you I apologize” it’s in the black binder my dad gave my brother a while back but of course she knows what she did but doesn’t care and that was sick. That is sick. Heartless from anyone. She never openly admitted that because it’s for her own benefit and it’s heartless literally and for them to have a different experience as someone shows a different face especially as our mother so I am not believed it ruined my family. That isn’t love. Lies are evil straight up evil.

The Meatloaf is what kept coming up in my head recently. I wish he had all the family around at the end.

People are more cruel than imaginable

Forget [Orthodox] Christianity they ruined my dad’s life and family now I am alone in this world… it’s nothing i imagined. I’ve understood this is a cruel world but didn’t think people would be cold to this level and for me to see this and be totally irrelevant like I never existed…

I don’t care for this church it’s how people haven’t helped and I of course don’t have anywhere to go for anything it’s depleted even my support systems and of course that takes time to build new so it’s harder to ask for help because it’s just a random person saying this stuff here so why should strangers care? I am grieving alone but the betrayal and everyone that turned their back and discredited me in the process is probably making this grief more painful with no support.

I found out after my dad passed it was worse than I imagined because he was isolated and kept alone physically mistreated after the open heart surgery that countless people fundraised from…

They threw my dads passing away under the bus. Betrayed by our mother is hard enough but the very church he served over 40 years and helped many people all over along the way also as a licensed LMFT and it came to this. The very system we are supposed to trust failed a human being. Extremely crazy systematic and what is it that people band together for when it’s so inhumane?

It was a lot of plotted shady stuff and he served 40 years to only be ruined, defamed, humiliated and no matter the years I was asking for help both in locally and the jurisdictions it all just backfired or they kept silent treating me like crazy that has never in my life happened to me ever.

I found boxes of forged checks and more no one cares. Why?

The clergy and hierarchy acted bizarre especially at the end. It was so rushed and my family leaves for over seas immediately after getting jobs and it’s already bad enough my mother betrayed us but to lie and taunt and threaten and manipulate my brother and sister.

My dad was coerced in cruel ways to look bad and I tried everything to help once I caught on but I was already discredited I didn’t even know… I have saved the conversations of the planning and threats and taunting and everything… I can’t believe it’s okay to just not care. This needs help I can’t do this alone and I can’t afford the help I need I can’t prove everything at once so much is connected and it impacted my living situations.

I can’t believe this is alright like just okay and I’m supposed to just move forward? It impacted my stability maliciously and now I am alone 42 and semi crippled plus in the autism spectrum but why does no one care? “Just pray it away” doesn’t make sense as a response

I don’t believe the opposite of the abuser is the enabler because manipulators take time to make it obvious and they isolate victims. They choose targets and it gets complicated but everything else here spot on

📸 Look at this post on Facebook https://www.marytoolan.com/blog/how-the-scapegoat-is-gang-bullied-by-their-family?fbclid=IwAR0XY1viltRt6eIRvR2TdiR_BDP2SnvxgstS8m2D4jwq4lfS4dap5uDuHqI_aem_AUmL-0qUYmuBCqKhVU-bMUUOcRXJ6LfYvTF6jB5pwmPxo1qsQ5mzSUpdOSaYcbGUXgA

How the Scapegoat is Gang Bullied by their Family This vlog/ blog is in response to a question I received: “Could you speak more on siblings and family members enabling the narcissist, acting as flying monkeys and participating in family mobbing (abuse and ostracisation of the scapegoat)”.

In grief from dads passing, alienated by family more

This hurts even when I have little to no contact by family left anymore.

I can’t react to anything I can’t respond to a very cutting message from my mother as I daily deal with day to day life as I can sometimes barely walk among other daily struggles I face alone this was never knew but of course this will be more hurtful events my dad and I have been cut out from and it’s another message I got from my mom rubbing in how I’m excluded more and more as I literally have been defamed the more I kept getting cut off and outwardly told they love me and I get constant guilt trips if I try to stay away for my peace but I didn’t respond I just said I don’t understand what some words mean clearly but I get what this sudden harsh messages it’s been like this for years and I been more alienated especially now and I hardly have anything to eat and still struggling for my stuff to continue… but I am supposed to not feel anything or just not let it get to me and pretend I am fine of course. Nothing hurts. How can I help others? Etc.

I finally see a copy of my dad’s death certificate and no cause of death and I knew it didn’t make sense and I was there but barred from knowing. So much left blank.

I wish someone cared. It’s unbearable the pain I feel that I found out so much more after a death that was wrongful and I was and am still completely ignored and it’s impacted my safety and support system. All the sabotage just because of selfishness and my dads not coming back I am totally in this alone right now and I can’t put words to everything and to others I just look like a mess just because. No one to ask for help when I’m hungry and it’s hard to understand this.

https://youtu.be/ummFSXNMOL0?si=XXp7UaJ4hh3q0DXU

Forget My Dad won’t come back, Forget Orthodox Priests, Truth, value or human life and more. I need to say what I need and the words are hard to put together but I’ll try and I mean what I am saying. ...

Coercion part 2 on this

System failed in this and who else can this happen to?

More to sort out but tragic this level of coercion and planned out tactics of isolating someone at a very weak point. He was never guilty of anything and he only loved her and she plotted this behind our backs. I don’t know this Peter who mentions my name in their conversations.

With out money or any means to get the help needed it went too far only because no one said anything or in on it but not giving me a chance because of hearsay? Doesn’t it cost money to utilize resources like law enforcement and more but why all side with hear say and deliberately ruin a good person and let alon in a time of when good people and therapists are hard to find and that impacts daily life for everyone.

No wonder i wasn’t informed of anything while I’m right in town. Of course I would have wondered what was going on but it was a cruel setup on a very good person that was too weak and isolated to think. A planned raid at 3am as he worked through his cancer with everything taken and he was put in the apartment as she and law enforcement and others did whatever with his and his family's memories and more at the house he was lead to believe he would retire but the worst nightmares is what happened.

The worst was during the time of his cancer and after. More and more cruel and horrific the more isolating she had him it is unbelievable how many involved didn’t say anything and knew very well and the authorities who refused to help someone vulnerable.

I don’t have anyone to talk about this with but tomorrow is my birthday. Last year my dad was still around but at least I was there until the end best I could be and it’s been a roller coaster of emotions. May 30th wasn’t long ago yet at all and it’s given me a lot of new perspective in life. The rest of family is far away working over seas and I’m optimistic about my current challenges. I’ll be 42 and learning the ugly side of being over 40 with my osteoarthritis and all…

In process to appeal my social security disability since unexpected everything stopped and I was busy call ambulance every other day or night until he didn’t make it which is still a lot believe.

I hope my dad is still here for helping me through this. I have with me a couple of his pectoral crosses he rarely showed off.

40s is different but not so bad now I am learning how to take care of me.

Life is precious no matter what no matter how hard it may seem.

https://youtube.com/shorts/cdsAjsAfe2U?feature=share

Iam Tongi COVER James Blunt “Monsters”

She is great and helped me and many through a lot with her videos

9 different ways narcissists lash out at you SIGN UP FOR MY HEALING PROGRAM: https://doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p/taking-yourself-back-healing-from-narcissistic-antagonistic-relationshipsLISTEN TO MY N...

Thank you media for bringing light to situations like these

Woman Guilty of Faking Kidnapping Breaks Down During Police Interrogation In a newly released police interrogation video from 2020, Sherri Papini breaks down when presented with information that she faked her own kidnapping. Papini...

“Be honest, tell the truth face here look at the icons”

It is extremely vivid memory comes back, really like it very rarely from Fresno, California. I was probably in third or fourth grade Dailey Heckman elementary school. We lived at the house on Robinson.

I remember what I did wrong. I remember lying and denying it. I know what I did wrong but I don’t know why I did it I really don’t .

I loved the after school programs that went on and they would have what would think of as a teacher but I know now it’s the activity workers for after school. They bring activities, games, artwork or any project do the day.

There was a wooden shack as I recall outside for the project supplies. Also I saw the purse of the lady working that day I didn’t know who belonged to what but of course who else did a purse belong to at that time. I had a sudden compulsion to look just snooping things then I grabbed the one hundred dollar bill in her purse since it was visible. I was wrong of course but I don’t know why I did it it’s not like I cared about the money. I didn’t care about that. I don’t know why I have it out of nowhere.

I remember at home later lied out of fear because dad asked me where did I get it since I was just being honest about having it and gave it to him but he was curious but I was scared of the truth saying I just found it somewhere outside, by the alley near the house.

He was kind and direct asking me what is the truth and even I made up a story.

Now looking back I didn’t know any better but knew it’s not right. I so want to talk about this specific memory with him.

At that time he didn’t ask more questions or say anything more. I vaguely remember a reaction but he sincerely asked me for the truth because of God right there as he said to me look at the icons, let God know the truth He is right there.

I did know the truth. Dad didn’t make it about him or his reaction or shock etc that kindness from him and direction of what’s about really sticks with me. Because it’s just clear what faith actually is and was to him. Just as his parents were real, God is real.

I wish I could have this talk with him about that day. As that memory has only come around a few times in my entire life at all that very intense strong memory bothers me. I wish I can go back to that. At least if not then have a talk with dad about it.

I wonder why this didn’t come to mind the final months I was with dad. We talked and processed so much from life and everything etc. I can’t describe this easily but that sudden scratch you can’t get to but with something so irritating you just want to talk to the very person who’d have a response like no other.

It may not be a big deal now I guess. All my life the message was always simple in the end about God that He’s everywhere present and it’s okay to talk to Him like a friend, it’s just knowing we’re not alone and it’s a love deeper and stronger then anything we have experienced as our comfort and safety in upbringing. If God’s love and mercy is more powerful than anything we know than there should be no fear in being honest and knowing how free we really are. He calls us to salvation not condemnation. These simple things instilled stuck with me.

Flashback on something else years later in Oregon, years ago of course like in 1994 there was a family he served for as their chaplain. The father of that family was a bit in his own world it seemed to me looking back. I was thirteen and just in those road trips with my family from Everson, Washington state to Woodburn, Oregon. The father of the home there had a particular way he wanted his little chapel.

The father of that household once was thinking of adding the entire pre communion prayer as it is from the old Rite book for personal prayers. These aren’t more important than attending services and how people prepare is very personal.

My dad explained in the chapel to him in front of his daughters and me “are you sure you want to make these prayers public? They are the ones who will have to answer to God…” though he decided to make it public though the example my dad set was clear and not about him. Just gave the reason clearly. Of course this is one of many examples when there some who take too far and it’s all about them. The control did escalate and my dad had to defend my mother because remarks he made about my mother and my dad talked about how that man if he keeps so many things up no priest will come then my dad was yelled at “but she is your wife” and my told him yes and I’m your chaplain etc… so it stopped anyway.

There’s lines you can not cross anywhere it’s okay to set boundaries.

When he served he was serving God. It’s the same love he felt from his parents that drew him to this. Serving God is not something simple to explain to be in the family I see it all from a different perspective I don’t often wish I had but humility does apply and it’s for our Father and those who want to find God.

*There are those those who use faith like a drug.*

Christianity to love one another as a basic goes a long way. Be safe from those who harm but when we offer help to someone struggling we don’t know if it’s an angel that is a chance to be Christians not by word by genuinely. If you learn of someone in distress, see when you can for them. Regardless of a monthly charity you pay or yearly shelter volunteer. It can turn into self serving if stuck to routine that’s “good” but turn your back on someone or something.

It’s about not calling ourselves Christian but Being Christian. I remember fanatic or schismatic branches that have much of the “convert disease” or more. All the traditions and perfect forms in church is one thing but can do no good when there’s finger pointing and gossip and slander. Judging what you don’t know the full story of? All the beards, prayer ropes, and perfect head coverings are nothing to what is in the heart of the people.

Christianity is simple.

A DARVO Myth

This myth that victims-survivors are crazy and unstable people is a DARVO myth.

What is DARVO?

DARVO, a concept pioneered by Professor Jennifer Freyd, stands for:

Denial by the abuser that they were
Welcome

Welcome to Part 3 of Explaining Coercive Control to People Who Don't Quite Get It: A Series.

Here, the focus is going to be on The Myth That Victims-Survivors Are Crazy And Unstable People. This follows from Part 1 and Part 2 in the series:

Part 1, ‘The Myth that Incidents of Physical Violence Are The Most Important Aspect of Domestic Violence and Abuse’ — click here
Part 2, ‘The Myth That Coercive and Controlling Domestic Abusers Can Be Adequate Parents’ — click here
I was inspired to
A DARVO Myth

This myth that victims-survivors are crazy and unstable people is a DARVO myth.

What is DARVO?

DARVO, a concept pioneered by Professor Jennifer Freyd, stands for:

Denial by the abuser that they were abusive;
Attack by the abuser on the credibility and character of the victim;
Reversal by the abuser of the roles of…
Victim and…
Offender
Where does this myth fit into DARVO?

Calling into question the mental health of a person who is reporting that they’ve been subjected to domestic violence and abuse is the ‘A’ for Attack in DARVO: it is an Attack by the abuser on the credibility and character of the victim.

In practice, in DARVO, the real domestic abuser says something like this:

I didn’t do what she’s alleging;
she’s crazy/delusional/unstable/over-emotional/narcissistic/borderline;
she’s actually the one who’s been abusing me;
she’s actually the dangerous parent for our kids.
Most abusers use the DARVO strategy to help them to avoid consequences. The main purpose of DARVO tactics is to confuse people and make people doubt their perceptions about a situation of abuse or injustice.

In particular, the purpose is to confuse a well-meaning onlooker or professional; the type of person who could become a valuable, game-changing ally to a victim-survivor. The abuser can’t let such allyship take place, as it might ruin their ability to keep abusing their target.

The abuser therefore deploys DARVO to distort the well-meaning onlooker’s or professional’s perspective. The abuser will attempt to influence this type of person with DARVO-based stories about how unstable, crazy, mad and terrible the victim is.

As a result, the potential allyship is undermined. The person who was the potential ally to the victim-survivor now feels that the situation is ‘just too complicated to understand’. They worry that they might be supporting the wrong person; or they think the abuser and victim ‘both sound like bad people’ as they are both saying negative things about each other. If the abuser’s DARVO-based stories are particularly successful, the potential ally may become fully convinced that the abuser is the victim, and the victim is the abuser.

The result is a huge win for the abuser:

the person who is a potential ally backs away from supporting the victim-survivor (or even supports the abuser instead);
the victim-survivor is left alone and undefended; and
the abuser is not held accountable, and is free to carry on with their campaign of abuse.
Attack by the abuser on the credibility and character of the victim;
Reversal by the abuser of the roles of…
Victim and…
Offender
Where does this myth fit into DARVO?

Calling into question the mental health of a person who is reporting that they’ve been subjected to domestic violence and abuse is the ‘A’ for Attack in DARVO: it is an Attack by the abuser on the credibility and character of the victim.

In practice, in DARVO, the real domestic abuser says something like this:

I didn’t do what she’s alleging;
she’s crazy/delusional/unstable/over-emotional/narcissistic/borderline;
she’s actually the one who’s been abusing me;
she’s actually the dangerous parent for our kids.
Most abusers use the DARVO strategy to help them to avoid consequences. The main purpose of DARVO tactics is to confuse people and make people doubt their perceptions about a situation of abuse or injustice.

In particular, the purpose is to confuse a well-meaning onlooker or professional; the type of person who could become a valuable, game-changing ally to a victim-survivor. The abuser can’t let such allyship take place, as it might ruin their ability to keep abusing their target.

The abuser therefore deploys DARVO to distort the well-meaning onlooker’s or professional’s perspective. The abuser will attempt to influence this type of person with DARVO-based stories about how unstable, crazy, mad and terrible the victim is.

As a result, the potential allyship is undermined. The person who was the potential ally to the victim-survivor now feels that the situation is ‘just too complicated to understand’. They worry that they might be supporting the wrong person; or they think the abuser and victim ‘both sound like bad people’ as they are both saying negative things about each other. If the abuser’s DARVO-based stories are particularly successful, the potential ally may become fully convinced that the abuser is the victim, and the victim is the abuser.

The result is a huge win for the abuser:

the person who is a potential ally backs away from supporting the victim-survivor (or even supports the abuser instead);
the victim-survivor is left alone and undefended; and
the abuser is not held accountable, and is free to carry on with their campaign of abuse.

https://dremmakatz.substack.com/p/explaining-coercive-control-to-people-db6