Willing Couples

There's Hope After Infidelity!

Infidelity doesn't have to mean that your relationship ends. Yes, there is hope!

Studies show that two-thirds of couples who experience infidelity make it through this painful event. It may not be easy yet it is possible with the right assistance.

There are phases to the process and the first big phase is grieving, the second is building back trust. When you decide to stay together the end goal is to understand and transcend what actually happened which can lead to renewed relationship vitality and a much stronger bond.

I help couples make sense out of the initial pain and in some cases to see how something like this was bound to happen to shake up their relationship.

You Are Your Best Support!

We all know that having a community of friends and family is essential for optimal health, wellness and longevity. Yet there are times when "All you have is You."

Do you know how to be your own best support system? What kind of things do you say to yourself to self-sabotage? How often do you look outside yourself for security, comfort and validation?

At times when you are feeling lonely perhaps the person that you need the most support from is you!

I help people reconnect with the love of their life, their inner supportive self.💚

Are you self-destructing?

Practice showing yourself more kindness and acceptance.

Accept your humanness.

Recently while coaching a mother of three who was suffering with extreme guilt, shame and disappointment I helped her to uncover the pattern. She had recently had a hurtful interaction with her daughter and I agreed with her that her daughter's actions were hurtful and over the top.

As we continued I became curious about her repeating question, "how could she do this to me, how could she do this to me?" I asked her to look at her daughter's actions and to be as forgiving to her as she would to herself, accepting our humanness.

Yet the key to her repeating question was that because her daughter had treated her poorly she was reflecting on "herself" as being a bad person, a bad mother, and neglectful. After interacting a bit more we uncovered the pattern of seeing herself as somehow deficient. We traced it back to a time when her Mother passed away in a foreign country and she just couldn't be there, a time when her husband passed away and she felt as though she could have done more and so forth.

It is helpful if you can see these types of patterns in your own life and give yourself a break. Afterall, we are all human and most of us are doing the best we can but often blame ourselves because we think we should have done more. Be kind and forgiving to yourself and others.

Give and receive!

During one of my couples sessions last night the topic of appreciation came up when the male partner thought he had made great strides to achieve relationship goals. Somehow he felt uncertain though and a little insecure about how effective he was being. I helped the couple to tell one another what they have noticed about efforts recently, giving words of affirmation and appreciation. It was a joy to see how each of them recalled the successes and a joy to see how their partner's face lit up when they heard these positive words.

Don't assume that your partner knows you appreciate them. Say thank you often even for the small things that they do for you. Once you make the effort to notice kind and considerate acts of service, big and small, don't pass up the opportunity to tell a loved one. You will see how this is a two-way street. Not only will the receiver feel seen and heard you will also experience a warm feeling inside for have given these words generously 💜

Feel Alone, Need Support?

Ever feel like you're in your own rubber raft bobbing along in the water? You desire support, a listening ear, more frequent phone calls or visits from friends or family and others don't seem to be aware.

I'll go out on a limb to say that all of us if not most of us have been in this lonely place in life. Or perhaps you have been on the other end of providing support for people you care about.

When I coach couples and individuals I always encourage them to be specific about what needs, wants, desires they have so that people can respond to those requests. I always say that it's okay to ask and be clear with others. You may not get what you would like to have if you don't at least ask.

I'm going to take a turn in what I'd like to say today. This is from the experience of the supporter. In fact, I'll go out on another limb and I'll be vulnerable. It's about me, the supporter.

This was a situation I was in recently where a friend actually scolded me for not supporting her in the way that she had wanted. Although it felt a bit painful to hear this I looked back and had to agree that I hadn't been there in some of the ways that she wanted me to be. I make no excuses about it yet I will say that it gave me a lot more empathy and insight into those who are in the role of supporter.

None of us are perfect, most of us do our best, and many of us have our limitations as to the type, quality and frequency of support we can give.

What I extracted from my own life lesson is that I will be more understanding when I am in need of support. I will remind myself that others cannot always give it to us the exact way that we have requested even though we've been specific
What I'll choose to do is look for ways in which they have supported me. I would have liked my friend to see that although I did not give the specific support I showed my support in many other ways.

So let this be a life lesson for all of us that we cannot always give and receive exactly what we want from friends or our mate but we can scan the environment for ways in which others are there for us and also recognize that all of us have limitations.

Take time away!

Just returned home from a trip to Big Sur, California and points north and south of there. Photo was taken at Point Lobos State park at China Cove. If you ever get a chance to go there walk the entire 6 mile loop around and you will be amazed at every turn.

One of my practices is to take at least one solo trip per year. I go alone for particular reasons. WhiIe traveling alone I get a huge opportunity to listen to my own rhythm and dance to my own beat. I get up when I want, walk when I want, hike many miles without being concerned, eat when I want and stop and talk to all kinds of people along the way. This is something I have enjoyed for at least 30 years. I met amazing people and had fun conversations.

I encourage you to take some time away and if possible go alone and see what kind of experiences you are attracted to and who or what is attracted to you. Unplug as much as possible and get in touch with your own rhythm.

Taking things too Personally?

Ever had your feelings hurt by what a friend, loved one or family member does or says? When the action or lack of action brings up feelings of sadness, frustration, disappointment or anger it's very difficult for you not to take it personally!

It seems as if the action was directed towards you and was done deliberately. Although this is not always the truth it surely feels that way and it is hard to think of it in any other way.
Here's the GOOD NEWS! Many times it has little or nothing to do with you!
Take a good look at the person's behavior and look at how they treat other people in their life. Do they often forget to call people back or forget birthdays or treat others as though they don't truly matter. If you really take a good look often you will see that it's not only you they have treated in this way but it is more about their personality and their behavior and they probably treat most people this way.
This is not to say that it still doesn't hurt and feel very personal to you. This is not to say that you wouldn't like that behavior to change but the GOOD NEWS is that it's not about you.
I hope you heard that part, it's NOT ABOUT YOU!

You are not lacking, you are not undeserving, and yes you are important. It is more about something within them that has this pattern and they have not become aware or conscious that their particular pattern is hurtful to others.

Hopefully, this will make you feel a little better in that you are not singled out and THE GOOD NEWS IS, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

I'm outta here!

Ever feel like running away in the midst of a heated conversation with your loved one? Have you noticed that your heart and pulse rate increases and you just can't think clearly?

If so, this is a very common experience for many people when there is physiological overload. This happens with some more easily than others.
When this does happen you are no longer able to stay in your logical brain and are operating from the emotional center of your brain. Some feel panic, exhaustion anxiety, or just begin to shut down. It is helpful to be aware if this happens to you so that you'll know what to do when it occurs.

There are ways to physiologically self soothe by taking deep breaths and calming yourself down. At other times you may need to alert those around you that you need to take a break from the conversation.

With some practice it would be advantageous to stay with the conversation without letting yourself get to this overloaded condition.
It will take some practice and awareness is the first step.
As soon as the symptoms show up for you slow things down. Slow your speech down and your responses. Take deep, deep breaths and bring yourself back present moment.

If you do need to leave the conversation the kindest thing to do is tell those around you that you need a little time away but will return within a reasonable amount of time, anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes to give all of your physiological responses time to settle down. When you return you'll be clear-headed and responding from your logical brain.

Be One Another's Safe Haven.

Given the state of our world and environment these days I believe we all need a safe haven and a soft place to land.

No one person, even our companion, can fulfill all of this for us but we would like them to be our number one choice to confide in and have our best interests in mind.

In times of distress, sadness and need it's important to be your partners best confidant. To be your partner's best confidant apply your very best listening skills which include asking thoughtful questions listening intently and offering empathy.

When your loved one comes to you with a problem do your best to be on their side. Never side with the "other" just let them talk and air their feelings. Even if you disagree with what or who they've had the problem with just be there for them as this is not the time to try to educate them or disagree with how they handled the situation.

Perhaps another time when they're not in distress you could offer them some input about behavior you may have disagreed with.
Be that soft place for them to land, be the comfort that they need, let them know they can take refuge from the world in your arms. Reach out towards them, be there for them and continue to build trust.

I'm right! No, I'm right, You are wrong!

Isn't this what happens in most couples' disagreements? You start with a legitimate complaint or concern and within minutes you're both arguing about who is right and who is wrong!

Now you are way off track and neither one of you even knows what the conversation is about other than proving that you're right!

In couples disagreements do your best to let go of the idea of wrong or right and get to the core of what the requests are in the conversation.

Focusing on who is right and who is wrong is pretty much a waste of time. Remembering that each person has a perspective and each perspective has validity will help you to dispense with unnecessary arguing about details or your memory of events.

Do your best to stay on track with the original concerns and help one another go back to the original concerns. This will help to make some headway on the issue brought to the table.

We're in this together!

My relationship coaching education through reminds us to always have your partner's back! We're reminded to be your partner's biggest supporter and that soft place to fall.

Sharing the idea in relationship as if it's, "you and me against all obstacles."

One of the ways to continue to build this trust and commitment is to have daily or weekly stress-reducing conversations.

This is a specific type of conversation where you sit together for approximately 30 minutes or more and take turns talking about things that you're most stressed about, most excited about, most looking forward to. The listener only asks open ended questions and gives empathy where needed.
Then you switch listener and speaker and do the same.

During this conversation omit talking about the relationship or any issues in the relationship. This is a time just to be there and to be a witness for your partner and give empathy and show interest.

I heard a saying once that makes a lot of sense. Often we say, "don't just stand there do something." In the case of the stress-reducing conversation we like to use this statement, "don't just do something stand there."

Don't try to solve any problems for your partner unless they want your advice. Just be there to listen and comfort giving empathy where needed. You're in this together!💕

Shared Goals, Shared Meaning, Shared Interests

Sharing and participating in life experiences that have meaning to you can strengthen your relationship.

Due to the often mundane day-to-day obligations of work and household you may lose sight of the larger perspective in life and relationship.

When was the last time you had a conversation about relationship goals, the overall meaning of your relationship or your individual goals?
My training through the Gottman Institute reminds couples that taking some time to focus on the more existential reasons that you have come together and stay together as a couple can strengthen your bond.

When the bond is strong and you foster fondness of one another it will make it easier to manage any conflict that comes up in the relationship.

Take some time away from conflict and day-to-day duties to remember what brought you two together.

What kind of things did you do in the beginning of your relationship that you now miss?

Perhaps those things are no longer of interest to you so what would bring meaning back into your relationship?

Experiment, try some new things. Share your ideas with your partner and be direct about what you would like to try
Find out what your partner would like from you to help them reach their life goals and share with them the kind of support you would like.
See if you can find one thing you can agree upon that both of you will work towards in your life and relationship. Make it a life-long journey of discovery.

Are You Or Your Partner Shutting Down?

When in a conflict conversation it is common for one and sometimes both people to shut down. For the person observing shut down by their partner it is a painful experience. It can appear as though they have completely left the conversation, not interested in you or resolving the conflict and it feels quite disrespectful. Here are some things that are actually happening with the person shutting down and some suggestions to make it better.

1) person shutting down is feeling physiologically overwhelmed. Their heart rate and blood pressure may be rising and they are no longer in their logical brain.

2) they are thinking that there is no solution to the problem and feel hopeless or incapable of communicating in a way that will help
3) they may be feeling frightened and thinking defensively

4) they may be reflecting back to other conflicts when things just didn't go well and they are frightened that if they continue in the conversation it will happen again

Here are some practices that will help:

1) when physiologically over-stimulated admit that to yourself through awareness.

2) let your partner know what is happening so that they don't take it personally

3) request a timeout so you can take some deep breaths and self-soothe yourself with some relaxation techniques.

4) if needed, communicate to your partner that you need a short break and take 10 to 15 minutes away from the conversation to allow physiological arousal to come back to normal. This will allow you to think from the logical side of your brain.

4) return to the conversation when you feel calm and have thought about your response.

5) if you have experienced your partner shutting down be patient with them and don't take it personally. Understand that this is something that happens within them and they can learn to manage it over time.

It's Little Things That Count!

Turning towards your partner often throughout the day is what builds Trust and Fondness in your relationship.
Don't let the little moments go by without participating or engaging in what is important to your loved one.

It doesn't take long or much effort to be present, affectionate and interested although it does take awareness and commitment on your part.

Show your partner that you see them and hear them by giving them your attention; it is a loving gesture of connection.
Gottman certificate holder; Couples Coach Deborah Rosasco

Divorce in Your Rear View Mirror? Encouragement!

So now you are divorced and you're looking back at your relationship.

How can you make sense of the years you spent with another person and how can you make sense of its' ending?

Like most relationships there were probably quite a few highs and lows. You've probably taken a hard look at what did not work and have done some grieving.

I'd like to encourage you to look at a few aspects about the marriage so that you don't get stuck in grief, resentment, or the feeling of failure. Here's some encouragement.

* Look back over the years and highlight what the two of you accomplished.

Did you raise your children?

Did you help one another to increase your education?

Did you remodel your home?

Did you build a business together?

Were you political advocates together?

What were your accomplishments and what kind of personal development resulted from your partnership?

What kind of personal development ensued as a result of the relationship coming to an end?

Many times divorced people get stuck in resenting their partner and blaming them for the end of the relationship. Remember you chose one another for a reason.

All relationships have developmental phases and if you look back and do some soul-searching you will see that the developmental phase within your relationship was coming to an end and that's why you have parted. The growth may have come to an end for one or both of you.

Be the she-ro or hero of This Love Story. Rewrite the ending if possible and focus on what was gained, learned or developed over the years.

Who have you become as a result of the years spent together and the ending of this Union?

I wish you peace, introspection appropriate grieving and forward momentum.💥

If you are stuck I can help you to find meaning and some healing.

How do we keep the connection alive?

Staying interested in your relationship and your partner takes mindfulness and awareness.

I always recommend to my clients that they cultivate curiosity. It is so easy to think that we know our partner and know why they do and act the way they do.

To broaden your horizons and minimize assumptions practice asking open ended questions of your partner. Even if you think you know the answer to the question try questions that cannot be answered by yes or no.

Ask them to please elaborate on a topic or ask them what is most important about a current interest of theirs.

Ask them what they feel is most challenging in life for them right now or what are their current worries, concerns, or fears.

Ask them what they are most excited about.

Make this your challenge for the weekend.

When you and your partner are together ask them some open-ended questions and perhaps some questions that you've never asked before and see what you can discover about one another.

If you're at a loss you can Google open ended questions on the internet and find lists of them.

Stay interested, stay curious, stay in love, make it fun! 💜

Looking For Yourself, lately?

Where have you gone, self?

Why can't I find you?

Why have my priorities changed but I'm not quite sure what the new ones are?

What wants to emerge within me and what seems to be holding me back?

What kind of support do I need?

If these questions have come up for you I encourage you to be gentle with yourself and trust yourself. These type of questions signal new development and shifting tides. Although these questions and feelings may be uncomfortable they are emerging to encourage you to walk on a new leg of your journey.

Keep asking.
Keep listening.
Move in the direction that supports your highest knowing.
Some movement, any movement, will reveal the next step for you.
I am here to help you sort it out.💗

Can you see a "problem" as a strength? Acceptance?

This is what defensiveness looks like.

Defensiveness in a relationship is a real obstacle! When you or your partner is feeling afraid or unsafe defensiveness can show up as a barrier between what your partner is saying and what you are willing to hear. It's like a shield that protects you from a perceived attack. The one going into defensive mode has an unconscious fear of punishment, abandonment, being wrong or scolded.

This is a learned pattern, that with some awareness and practice, can change over time.

First, take a few breaths, calm yourself and take the focus off of you and onto what your partner is saying. Remember it is about a concern or desire your partner has and not necessarily about your personality or character.

If tension or anxiety is preventing you from being present to the conversation inform your partner and move away from the conversation until you can calm down and put focus back on what your partner's concern may be.

What did you just say about me?

Have You Checked Out of Your Relationship?

What is Couples Coaching Exactly?

Couples Coaching is an exciting opportunity to give and receive the type of love and appreciation you both have been craving.

As your Coach I will show you how to speak your partner’s love language and get back to the closeness you once experienced. I will also help you to see how what you are arguing about is not about the small things that keep coming up, but more about feeling loved, knowing that you matter, and being seen and feeling appreciated.

When working with my clients, I show them how to support one another in ways that reduce feelings of loneliness and frustration.

Relationships are not always easy, but they pay off if you are willing to put in some effort and stick with it!

To learn more about my couples coaching approach, contact me today for a FREE 15-Minute Consultation | 760.788.1900 | www.willingcouples.com

I look forward to answering any questions you might have and helping you improve your relationship!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I enjoy working with all of my clients
in creating a mini partnership while working together. To see this review and know that Rus finds my services to be incredibly valuable, fills my heart with immense and .

Deborah Rosasco
Couples & Individuals Coach

www.willingcouples.com
[email protected]
760-788-1900

Keep Love Alive💕

Some of my most valued and successful couples coaching methods come from training I received at The Gottman Institute. By practicing these methods, my clients have been able to hear and understand one another unlike before.

World renowned psychotherapists, scientific researchers and couples’ counselors, the Gottmans created these methods based on 42 years of research with more than 3,000 couples.

Contact me today and get started on using these methods to improve your !

760.788.1900 | www.willingcouples.com