Jes

Why Did You Stop Me Depression?

why do you stop me?
why cant i do the things i used to do?
its stopped me from doing the things i love.
the things that used to bring me joy.
now i just sit and type how its horrifying
grip has a hold over my worn and tattered soul.
i can no longer cry but why?
why cant i cry?
probably because i have cried myself to sleep countless of times.
i still do sometimes.
but usually i just lie there pondering
why am i still alive?

Why do i?

why do i?
why continue to live.
why keep going
when all the people that i love
has abandoned me?
im an empty body
a soulless shell of a person
so many have asked me why do i
do what i do
i want to tell them all f**k you..
i try explain but they just ask why?
i explain myself again and again
but they dont understand the
the pain that is inside me
so i might well leave
now goodbye i pick up
blade sharp and well used
i slit open my skin from wrist
to elbow.
GOOD BYE

I try to stop

i try to stop cutting
i want o stop cutting
but i cant that cold metal razor against my skin
the metallic bloody taste in my mouth
its all so glamorous then
the next day i stop and
look down at my blood stained arms
and i become ashamed of my mistakes
just to do it all again and again.

I try to stop

i try to stop cutting
i want o stop cutting
but i cant that cold metal razor against my skin
the metallic bloody taste in my mouth
its all so glamorous then
the next day i stop and
look down at my blood stained arms
and i become ashamed of my mistakes
just to do it all again and again

I hope you choke

I hope you choke
For every harmful word you've spoke
I hope you die
For every time you made me cry
I was left and abandoned
And I cant stand it
Close your bloody eyes
You'll be fine
Clench your fists tight
Your going to die tonight
Get ready for your last goodbye
I scream from all my fears
I cry black bloody tears
Here comes your bloody guilt from all my pain
I hope I dont leave a bloody stain
But in the end
You still wont feel what I feel
But in the end
You still wont have nightmares like I do
Nothing like sticking a knife inside you
Has ever felt so right
I hope you choke
For every harmful word you've spoke
I hope you die
For every time you made me cry
I was left and abandoned
And I cant stand it...

43% Perfect

im not perfect and
thats okay
i dont have the best body
im not the best dancer but
thats okay
i dont have the nicest ass
i dont have the best hair and
thats okay
i dont have the prettiest face
I don't have an angelic voice and
that okay.
And anyone expecting 100% perfection I have failed you.
That is okay with me because there are people who appreciate me for me.

MY HELL...

I hear people speak of tears and sorrow.
I hear people speak of no tomorrow
You speak of crying while you fell.
You don't know what tears are until you've been to my side of hell...
You think your lives are so bad?
You think you know the meaning of sad?
Wait until there's nothing left for you.
Then you'll see what my hell will do.
My life is the definition of hell.
Rip you apart from inside out.
You will want to die, without a doubt.
Brutally tearing your heart to pieces.
Awake at night, praying for those cold death kisses.
And when you know that I am right.
And you awake from your sleep at night.
Hearing my whispers from the windowsill.
Wanting, needing, to rabidly kill.
Feeling this blood around your bed.
My lifeless co**se dancing in your head.
I taste this blood, so divine.
And then I notice, this blood is still mine...

Plain against the Great

The mighty and beautiful red rose sits highest in the bush.
In the best corner of the yard where the sun shines all day.
A perfect amount of golden rays an angle among the saints.
Among the normal flower.
While a lonely dandelion Weeps and droops.
On the far other end of the yard where the sun never shines.
A life she shall live for the rest of her sorrowful life....

Death of a friend

Death is when your loved ones depart,
It is a sharp pain to your heart...
Death is the reaper walking your way,
It is when a loved one has forever gone away...
Death is an eternal mansion or a cell,
It is a call to heaven or hell...
Death is a lesson to learn about,
It is a loss, without a dought...
Death is an unhappy thing to have,
It is unpleasant on anyone's behalf...
Death is a lingering crow overhead,
It is a soul no longer being fed...

A girl

Pretty girl, who is to blame
they don’t even know her name
Saddened, who cries at night
The one who’s always out of sight
Fairytale, who doesn’t exist
with scars all over her wrist
Silent, without a name
The one who’s filled full shame
Freakish, with plastic smiles
Who has walked a trillion miles
Emotionless, who can’t feel much pain
She’s the one who brings the rain
Psychotic, tears start to flood
The one who drains her blood
Hidden, she covers her scars
She has lived behind her life’s bars
Lonely, who bleeds so much,
She is who’s out of touch
Beaten girl, who no one likes
She’s who never fights
Stoner, tonight she'll smoke her sorrow
She’ll also drink sometime tomorrow
Scared, who’s afraid
She will try to run away
Depressed, who cries and aches,
She will never get a break
Fallen, with broken wings
She just fell into an abyss of nothing
Morbid, wont die tonight
She will make it if she’s out of his sight
Pretty girl, you are so smart
She didn’t know it from the start
Beautiful, she is no more
She just hangs by the door
Here is were she will stay
Because she was never saved.

Who she is

She is the girl with all the friends
but the she feels alone
she is the one without a family
and faces the world on her own
she is the girl with a smile on her face
but a frown in a much deeper place
she is the girl with no sparkle in her eye
but no one will know why
she’s the girl with the laugh that’s spreads around
but her world is upside down
She’s a girl in your car
but she is off somewhere far
she’s the girl, that you think you know
but she’s the girl you really don’t.

To My Love Above All...

I could have the brightest stars from the darkest of nights and the largest of diamonds from the deepest of mines but I would forsake them all for your sweet kisses.
I could have a Trillion dollars and The most precious of gems I would trade it all in for your sweet kisses.
I could have the rarest of rubies and the biggest of pearls but i would give it all away for your sweet kisses.
I could have the purest of silver and gold and a ticket to heaven but i would sell them for your sweet kisses.
I could be Queen of England, Princess of Ireland, President of the U.S.A, Or even Ruler of the world I would Forsake it all for your sweet kisses.

This is it...
Depression is when you can't sleep and you get so bored looking at your roof, that you spend week’s nights contemplating what to do with it only to find that you wouldn't have enough determination to do it. Depression isn't always su***de. It’s obvious to only you. And always will be my way of life. It makes you gain weight, lose weight, not eat, eat too much. It has a feeling of death. It kills you even if you have the best things in the world. Depression is no family, real friends or a love life. It’s the broken pieces of your heart. It’s the twisted sense of time. It’s seeing happiness everywhere you go. It’s hoping to survive and having no hope as well. Depression isn't contemplating su***de, but wishing you were already there. It’s losing an enthusiasm for something you once loved. It’s when you hate yourself for no reason at all. It’s the hatred of your family you don’t even know. Depression eats your insides with smile on its face. It’s a mask to wear 24/7 to hide the pain. It’s the look in your eyes when you wake up in the morning, knowing you have to live another day.

Till your return.

Living life without you here even though the time isnt long, it has been like my whole world is dull and gray.
The moon no longer shines as bright. The sun to hot and harsh to enjoy.
Magick has lost all its special something to me, it feels useless and foreign.
Children who once brought me joy now bring a hidden sorrow, a reminder that your gone and alone as well.
Food that once had passion and love in every bite now is tastless or bland.
An eeking, lonely, grey, sorrowfull depression haunts my nights, days, dreams, and heart without you.
Even with this hard time now though, i know the day you return it all reverses in a bright and shining explosion of joy like a million suns meeting their end in a symphony of the most esquisit emotions to be felt.

Our kiss.

Your lips, my lips, our lips, they meet with such sweet ecstasy.
The electric feel of emotions running between thin skin.
Tenderly, roughly, sensually, all these ways we share the chemistry brewing and steeping between each other.
The close feel of being truly part of one another. No closer can two be than inside. Sweet exchanges of pure love, juices, and touch.
The raw feeling of skin sliding and rubbing on skin in a heavenly exchange of heated love making like no other.
All these things that come together in sweet moments together is like no other.
The closeness felt and shared can hardley be described. Yet here i sit and try.
These things so sensual and heavenly even the most chaste of nuns may shed a tear and not feel sinned.
There is no other.♡

Hope☆

Hope is the morning dew on grass.
Fragile and easily shaken from the blades.
Then again its like the brilliant stars.
Forever there, steady and true.
Its like a butterfly on an infants nose.
Beautiful and perfect.
A moment caught forever in memory but also lost in time.
Like a rose caught in perfect bloom.
A sight to behind upon itself.
Like a garden it can take seed, grow, and bloom into a beautiful sight.
But also can die and be a sorrowful sight if not properly taken care of.
Encourage, nurture, protect, and hold tight to hope for it can be a life saving thought and feeling.
But never to tightly for false hope can be just as dealy as no hope. Like a shark in water.

I go to sleeping with hands in a praying position thinking of you, hoping someone hears my heart screaming for you,The echo of my emotions Bouncing off the four corners of the world amplifying till some mythical, all knowing and loving being hears me. Then I pray. I pray you feel me beside you. Cheering you on in all you do.

Years of pain and anguish.
No end of abuse and being used in sight.
One wrong choice after another.
She only knew how to fight.
Never enough to win, but just enough to survive.
Her life felt like and endless nightmare.
Cursed to live in torment, born in despair and poverty.
She knew nothing of what it was like to be treated humanely.
Twisted mentally, scarred emotionally, jaded forever.
Yet somehow deep inside her psyche was a tiny seed.
It waited and yearned to be shown the world wasnt as cruel as she knew.
That just maybe bu some miracle there just might be someone.
Someone to show that she deserves what she so freely gives.
Time and time again she has held her heart out.
Only to have it mangled and marred with pain.
She will always care.
No matter how much it hurts.
No matter how much it kills her inside.
She smiles and tries to protect her seed.

The hour is late.
The heart is lonely.
The mind is racing.
The soul is old.
Anxiety take her mind to soaring hights where she sees no end in sight.
Depression drags her heart to the depths of a dark ocean where its to cold to beat.
PTSD screams at her soul to shrink away for it will all just happen again.
These are her demons to bare every hour of every day.
This is a glimps of her.

Come see! Come see! Its an ugly little thing!
Its broken, scared, marred, charred, bleeding, bruised, and torn.
Ah yes be see it can do an amazing thing!
And then a bright warm glow shown out from the heart! So bright, almost blinding.
You could ceel how much it cared despite all its been through.
And it was hers and it been and though it hurt, she was proud to have it.

Its my hope~

That my kisses never become annoying
That if I stare and you catch me it makes you smile.
That my inner beauty outshines my outer looks.
That when I try my best its enough.
That my affections wont be disregarded.
That I will always make you happy in the end.
That despite my issues i never become to mich to handle.
Its my hope that when figuring out who I am and what i need and what I can give, that I will never scare you away.

Chances

I threw caution to the winf and it threw it in my face
I told you bits of my history and you used it as a weapon.
I held out my heart trying and you smacked it down.
I tried and failed.
But its going to be okay.
Ill take back my heart and brush it off.
Ill hold it out again to someone new.
To someone better.
Ill keep trying no matter how badly my heart hurts.
Because I deserve someone that will some day take it from me and hold it close like a delicate flower.
Someone who will treasure it and take care of it like it should be.

She holds her head up high while smiling, but inside she is crying.
She laughs and jokes but inside she is drowning, hardly able to keep her breath in her lungs.
So she seems at ease while she converses with the trees, but truly she feels weak to her knees.
No one truly knows the depth of her soul.
She locks away her secrets in a little purple box, to be buried away.
She cant risk more pain, she wont try again.
The night slowly crawls onward till the sun rises kissing the sky changing its colors.
Meanwhile she is still black while staring out at the blue.
So if she can manage, a few tears she will shed, just to lighten her load for a bit.
Then back again to her seat where she sits and stares, watching her life pass her by, to afraid to interact.

* My mask
I live a lie.
I pretend to be someone im not,
On the outside i seem happy.
Like im perfectly fine and all.
Yet my life still feels incomplete.
I Feel like im searching for something,
But for what i don’t know.
I feel dead inside, Its empty
One minute im happy, Next im sad
Then im crashing down in tears.
I cry till i can cry no more.
Next comes the numbness,
Then it all starts again.
I feel detached from everything and everyone,
I don’t care about anything or anyone.
Its like im merely an observer.
I look in the mirror, I don’t recognise the person ive become
Im so far away from everything.
I so desperately want to change,
But i feel as if i have no strength left.
My life feels as if its over before it began.
Why me? i ask to noone in particular.
Whats wrong with me?
No one answers.
No one knows what it feels like!
You want people to understand...
No matter what they say, they cant,
Not unless they’ve experienced it.
I feel so alone in a huge crowd.
I don’t know why?
I just want this feeling to go away.
But i know it wont.
Even when im happy I know the feeling is fleeting.
Go away sorrows, I ask.
I know it won’t.

Can I call?
It is 3 am and Im awake.
Its time to make a call.
If I dont, it will all go wrong.
Will you be there?
3 am? 10 am? 5 pm?
Even if I ring, will you aswer?
Talking?
Perhaps.
Silence?
Maybe.
But most of all.
Some person should be there.
So, can I call on you?

I know your here if I need you. I know the group cares. I know plenty of people that care. But to care, and to understand, are not the same. It feels as if no one understands me. And that is the cruelest fate. I say that I am broken not to be told I am good and pretty and a friend. I say it because even with those things, I am still broken. Ok when I look in the mirror i dont see someone i like. I'm not my type. It happens. Others Express a positive review of my looks. I'm glad. Maybe I am sorta cute in that chubby dork way. Ok. But inside I am broken. But not in the way that is fixable. Manageable maybe. But not fixable. Ok so maybe i am good. People say i have done good things, that I am good to them. That what they see of me is good. I see some good. I care so much it can hurt. Physically. Yay we agree. But I am still broken inside. That place which resides the core of our beings made up of electrons and neurons and nerve paths, somewhere in there, something is wrong. When something is wrong we call it broken. People say I am so smart, witty, and sometimes wise or deep. I have my moment, but i feel they are far and few between. That because of my disabilities and lack of an education and understanding of certain things that I am an idiot and registered re**rd. But ok. At the age of 10 I read at a college level. At the age of 13 I was helping rebuild a car so I can do more basic maintenance than most women. I grew up raising myself so I have more streets smarts than most. So I acquiesce, perhaps I am smart or wise, but the witty I blame on my bratty nature. But still I am broken. I am good and I am broken can be done at the same time. I can be laughing myself to tears on the happiest day of my life and truly feeling it!! But somewhere inside something is wrong that cannot be fixed.....I am broken, but it is okay!

*has typed self to tears*

And I think the start point of that was, I dont want to always be made to feel better. Sad isnt bad unless sad hurts to much to live. I am simply in a broken state waiting for the patch that makes me function more properly. I just want to be understood.
*sits panting a moment then sighs*
I am not so lonely that I cant see those around me.
I am not so sad that I cant cry.
I am not so angry that I have lost my voice arguing with myself for hours on end.
But I am not understood.
And that is perhaps more hurtful...

I feel like the titanic.
Stuck at the bottom of the ocean.
Cold, alone, dark.
Forgotten, lost, broken.
I am not drowning, but I am not alive anymore.
The water burns my lungs, I am still breathing.
I get no air nor solace.
There is nothing here for miles on end.
No life attached to my hull.
Looking up I can see some light.
It dance slowly as the sun crosses the sky I am no longer privileged to see.
I miss the sky.
The birds who are free to fly.
The clouds who wonder across distances vast.
The unending blue deeper than anything else.
The darkness of night that consumes and comforts.
The blinding diamonds that blaze and hang.
The brilliant goddess who watches us all.
Round, or half, or whole, or gone.
I miss her.
I can no longer feel her eyes watching.
Protecting.
Caring.
Knowing.
So here I sit.
Staring into the nothing.
I have ceased my struggle to keep my head up.
I'm too tired.
So I shall rest my eyes, lay down my head.
Await for time to lapse.
Then perhaps, just maybe, I will someday float again.
Remember how to swim and see the sky.

Welcome back to my artists page. Since my other fb was destroyed, I will be moving all previous content here. As well as post new content.

Jes updated their business hours.