E T O M

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I couldn’t help but smile as the woman in the small Kinvara cafe mentioned Phoenix Park whilst rattling off Dublin recommendations.

The Phoenix. It finds me again and again. In Waco, in Dublin, all around the world. The image and the word follows me around, almost haunting me - or taunting me to remember not to live small and rise out of adversity or mediocrity.

As soon as I walked up to the gate entrance to the park, the sky unleashed that cleansing Irish rain, soaking my shins and shoes to their marrow and soles, respectively. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. Cleansed. Free. Burning with passion and creativity.

As I sit on this park bench: butt wet (smart move), fingers stiff from the chill, alone but for the seagulls around me, I try to imagine the peace I feel now surrounding me now and always. This is life. Right here, right now. Discomfort. Pain. Optimism. Spirit. Presence.

Now rise.

5 Lessons from 2020, thus far ||

1. One morning you’ll wake up and feel okay but first you have to feel it all. I loved running from painful emotions. I’d tuck them away in a box in my mind’s attic and they’d start to rot and corrode through my soul. That made me bitter and I found myself displacing those feelings in anger or jealousy for no good reason, other than projection. When you feel, you cleanse. You regain that sense of wholeness, and eventually you wake up okay.

2. Having my heart cracked open has done the opposite of hardening me. I have so much love to give and find myself meeting people with deep levels of compassion and love now. Is it weird I love people so quickly? Some may say yes, but I see it as a projection of the love I have for myself and for the universe. Do all things in love.

3. People will move on and this has nothing to do with your worth. Everyone is on their own journey through life with all its joy and suffering. Let people live. The right moments, people, and experiences will come to you when you need them, then they’ll leave. Practice the art of non-attachment. But love those people and experiences like crazy when you’ve got them (and after - gratitude always).

4. Speaking of worth: people will just straight up not like you. This is the hardest one for me because I’m a people pleaser but you can’t take it on. I used to want to find a motive for gossip or pettiness, or straight up dislike (like jealousy or insecurity, what have you) but now I just try to send people loving energy and respectfully put those boundaries up without any attempt at interpretation or change.

5. You’ve got to travel or you’ve got to uproot your life and get uncomfortable. I mean why the heck not, you get views like this!

AMOR FATI ||

Love of fate. God I love the stoics. To embrace your own imminent death and be hyper aware of it, while also taking the reins of your own agency and will to live your life to the point of tears. It’s a beautiful balance.

When you embrace this balance, you don’t get to not care about your life, even though ‘all things fade and quickly turn to myth’ (incorporating / Aurelius). You care even more deeply, because this is your fate and your life and your love and it repeats on and on and on, as Nietzsche put it, as the eternal recurrence - despite death.

What the f**k does that even mean? I think: Every ending we endure, every suffering, every loss, every heartache, or every betrayal is:
1. good,
2. has always happened, and
3. serves a purpose, because we’re still alive.

It teaches us what to let go of. What to focus on that’s right in front of us in the present moment. And what to strive towards. It’s so easy to get caught up in attachment to the past, even when the present is begging you to release it with PROOF that it no longer serves you.

A comforting nugget from Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse-Five that always helps me let go a little more epitomizes Nietzsche‘s eternal recurrence idea:

“The most important thing I learnt on Tralfamadore was that when a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, so it is very silly for people to cry at his funeral.

All moments, past, present, and future, always have existed, always will exist. The Tralfamadorians can look at all the different moments just the way we can look at a stretch of the Rocky Mountains, for instance. They can see how permanent all the moments are, and they can look at any moment that interests them. It is an illusion we have here on Earth that one moment follows another one, like beads on a string, and that once a moment is gone it is gone forever.

When any Tralfamadorian sees a co**se, all he thinks is that the dead person is in a bad condition in that particular moment, but that the same person is just fine in plenty of other moments.”

Every moment in our past is alive and well trapped in the amber of the moment like a bug. It is like our fate unfolded like the stretch of the Rockies. So rather than dwell on how you can get those peaks back, focus on the stretch of dirt or climb in front of you and see everything that happens to you as good because if you’re still alive then it’s part of your fate and you might as well live the f**k out of your life with love.

So it goes.
(You’ve made it this far? Grand you get a Fun Fact: the quote that adorned the front of my masters thesis was “so it goes” from slaughterhouse five. Why? It follows every mention of death in the book and after that thesis, I knew my career in research was dead, dusted, and done. Thank heavens, because look where I am now! ...writing for 10 people max on Facebook... 🙃)

VISION

FUN ||

My word of the year for 2020.

“What does that even mean?” The answer I keep getting. It’s not throwing caution to the wind, although I’ve been known to do that. It’s not about a lack of depth in my relationships, or at least not in my friendships or family relationships. It’s also not about not taking anything seriously. I take my career ambitions extremely seriously.

It’s more about spontaneity, cultivating the carefree side of myself that got a bit lost and buried last year, and living into that wild heart and spirit of mine — and not choosing people who don’t value it nor downplaying my wildness and power to make people feel more comfortable.

I used to be untamed. Some would argue a bit too wild (mainly my mom). Then I became shackled to the future and expectations. Now, I am living for the present moment. The only one we will ever have. Doing what calls to me, now that I know and trust my deepest intuition and inner wisdom.

Another symbol I’m bringing into 2020 and the image that adorned my Jan 1 journal entry is the Phoenix. The Phoenix keeps coming up again and again and again in my life. In 2019 I metaphorically ‘burned that bitch down’ - that bitch being my life as I knew it - and achieved some impressive depths in life, love, career, spirituality, and friendship.

New Year’s Eve I stood looking at the ashes. January 1 I emerged in a roaring flame. The eternal flame of light, love, radiance, and joy.

Let’s have some fun.

FENG SHUI ||

Not your typical New Year’s post. Some friends recently told me that a mirror facing your bed (like mine used to do) reflects all your bad energy while you sleep. Like a boogie man. An energetic boogie man: showing you all your deepest darkest fears, insecurities, and obstacles.

The bed frame in the photo has been sitting in a box for approximately 3 months, until this morning. I had been cultivating complacency and stagnation in my life for that same amount of time.

What does it all mean? Day 1 of the new year and new decade, I built the bed frame, flipped the bed around, and am choosing to rise up from that dark place and take action.

I’ll share more on my intention soon, but for now, here are my two fluffy bundles of joy sitting on top of my white comforter.

TRADITION ||

We spoke the tradition of hiking Camelback Mountain on Christmas morning into existence last year (in its inaugural year) and, despite the foreboding weather forecast, we knew we had to carry it on into its sophomore year. We committed to that tradition. We HAD to do it. Rain or shine (who knew it even rained in the desert!?)

After all, Santa was at the top waiting for us by his Christmas tree adorned with bird seed wreaths, ready to hand us our well earned candy canes. We had to climb the mountain. We had to see Santa. We had to carry on tradition.

Jaclyn hates the rain. I don’t mind it. But it definitely made for treacherous conditions climbing up slick boulders. Our family is terrible - TERRIBLE - at going downhill. Weak ankles from horseback riding. That’s what we’re pinning the blame to. So it took us twice as long to get down as it did up. And - FYI - Santa wasn’t even there. He just left a pile of candy canes haphazardly discarded on a boulder. Wtf Santa.

Why talk about tradition and climbing mountains and nearly plummeting to our deaths on the way down? Because it’s a metaphor for Christmas, duh. Christmas is about presence (not presents) and the tradition Jaclyn and I started last year allows us to climb, speak candidly about life, love, and the universe, endure - either the conditions or the strain of the hike - and have each other for laughter and support as we careen (at a glacial pace) down the face of the Camel’s back.
..Before retiring to a relaxing spa day filled with bottomless mimosas, hold the OJ, and Trulys. Also a tradition. Hold on to it. Cherish it. And live it through the lens of love. Always.

I largely consider this past year to be the year that held the most ‘awakening’, shall we say.

But I’ve actually been in this ‘inner work’ for quite some time. I started becoming interested in philosophy in high school because of my passion for reading. I believe Vonnegut inspired the first deep dive into theories on time, memory, and relational relativity.

In 2009 I read the Alchemist for the first time (of many, many, many times) and my faith in the Universe was ignited; then a heavy interest in Greek mythology and philosophy inspired by Joseph Campbell led me to discover temet nosce and the power of knowing thyself in 2012 - as well as ‘follow your bliss’, one of my foundational mottos.

Now, yogic philosophy - the niyamas (svadhyaya, study of self) - continuous shedding of the ego, and a more rigorous practice of my faith and spirituality (through gratitude, meditation, and prayer) steer my inner work.

To summarize my current state: I’m a little woo woo, a lot of science, and sprinkled with a healthy dose of reason and the continuous practice of inquiry.

THE SEASON OF LUNA ||

This is right where I caught her. We were walking down the boardwalk, musing about life and the universe and whatever else was on our minds, and he spotted a puppy running towards us at full speed with a girl in a bathing suit and pants chasing after her.

I passed over Ed and started to block her path. She caught on to my plan and turned quickly around before careening back towards me after she realized her captor was after her.

As she inched closer, we engaged in a dance that culminated with me diving across the sand ridden boardwalk to scoop up the 16 pound puppy in my arms. I walked up to her owner, her wet, sandy fur soaking through my t shirt, and remarked about how cute she was.

“She’s actually not mine. I rescued her in Mexico and am starting an adoption service. My name is Jaclyn and I just moved here from Santa Barbara.” Coincidence or divine intervention, too many details about our encounter permeated my soul for me to let this go. We had been talking about getting a puppy and here one fell or ran, quite literally, into our laps.

Walking away, we decided almost instantly and simultaneously on the name Luna. Luna Lovegood. I made the rash, romantically intended call to adopt her when I came home from England and the rest is a somewhat painful, but largely wonderful history.

She symbolizes rebirth and reincarnation, faith in the universe, love, and purpose. This was our first time returning back to our meeting grounds, albeit one short. The air was crisp and cold, the sky the brightest of blue, and the ocean roared in the background. Thank you for bringing me this little girl. Ed’s companion. And a constant reminder of the beauty of the universe.

No matter what storms in the street may command,
nothing draws me away from my homeland.
Plunging ever more deeply into winter and night,
I wander through my faery palaces of light.
Another sun rising in my heart, I awaken a spring within,
warming the world with the fires of imagination.
— excerpt from Landscape // Baudelaire

I’m reading the historical novel by Kate Quinn, The Alice Network, and in it, discovered the poet Baudelaire. A French poet characterized by vulgarity, shock, decay, and forbidden sensuality. Immediately, I went in search of his taboo works and found the beautiful stanza above. Plot twist.

When I read the closing lines from Landscape, I was immediately reminded of Camus’ Return to Tipasa, one of my favorite lyrical essays. Camus famously summarized his experience returning to Tipasa for the third time, when he said: “In the middle of winter I at last discovered that there was within me an invincible summer.”

I have always loved this idea that Camus presents to the reader. I now hold Baudelaire’s stanza fondly in my mind for similar reasons.

What I believe they both convey is that within us all, no matter the external circumstances, is the ability to choose our reaction, outlook, or internal state of being and presence. It is the ability to channel the strength of an invincible summer, or the optimism of imagination and wonder, like a sun rising in the heart.

It is the discovery of our true nature - of goodness and light (although, Baudelaire would totally disagree with this!) - within us. The uncovering of hope, optimism, and faith sometimes buried deep within our hardened souls.

It took Camus a few times to discover this summer within himself, so we shouldn’t get discouraged if at times we only see winter in our hearts or minds. What I have found to be most beneficial in this quest for awakening the spring within or discovering the invincible summer is a quiet and consistent cultivation of gratitude.

In the most trying of times for our hearts and minds, focusing on what we have - be it puppy cuddles in the morning, a roof over our heads, or the opportunity to have experienced deep and profound love - can help shift our perspective to one of positivity and peace.

“In the magical universe there are no coincidences and there are no accidents. Nothing happens unless someone wills it to happen.” — william s burroughs

Write down your top 10 desires. Visualize them as if you’ve already received them and express gratitude for them. Carry the note around with you. Repeat. Don’t stop until you’ve achieved them all.

IGNITE ||
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us — Albert Schweitzer.
I’ve been running both a gratitude and an abundance exercise/practice together for a few weeks now. What I’ve become aware of is not only what I have (rather than what I don’t) but HOW much I have as well.
As a result of this awareness, my metaphorical service value tank has been blowing fumes and fire at me, begging me to fill it up. When I met with Brandon of (and many other ventures) last week before the Beyond the Athlete speaker series with , my fire was reignited. I began to reclaim the power I spoke of in an earlier post.
We are here to drive change. Provide service. Make an impact. Fail. Fail again. Try harder. Think differently. Disrupt. And succeed in moving mountains.
The universe has been planting kindling all around me and the fire is just starting to raise into a dull roar.
I had the great honor of presenting a Here to Be check with .crosby and last week to GASF. This is only the beginning.
Follow them to find out about the next inspiring Beyond the Athlete series. And get ready. We’re redefining collaboration and showing up powerfully in the process. @ Harland Brewing

ATHENA ||
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
Our power comes from a balance of masculine and feminine energies. For so long I lived too far in the masculine. The brute force, the sheer will, the grit, the darkness. I was a bulldozer. But I’ve softened with grace and light and femininity to bring about a harmony and energy within me I could have never expected.
The light pours out of my cracked-wide-open heart. I am here to live my purpose boldly, audaciously, and unapologetically. To cultivate wisdom and compassion within myself so that I may lead and be of service to others. We (it takes a village) are about to create some big waves of change in the realms of service, community, and adventure.
Get ready to ride along.

I KNOW GUAC IS EXTRA ||
But so am I 🥑. I saw a book with that title the other day and instantly related to it. I think there’s something immensely satisfying about being authentically, vulnerably, & - sometimes embarrassingly - yourself.
So make a silly face. Ride a bouncy ball ornament. Say something weird. Act like a damn queen (or king!) whenever you feel like it.
Here’s the thing about being guacamole extra: people really do pay more for it. You are an insanely valuable asset that people should invest in. So act like it, ya silly avocado!
📸: who is HIRED as my personal Instagram photographer. @ Hotel del Coronado

THE ENNEAGRAM SERIES ||
TYPE 5 // INVESTIGATOR
Alert, insightful, & curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. They want to understand how the world works, whether it is the cosmos, the microscopic world, the animal, vegetable, or mineral kingdoms—or the inner world of their imaginations.
My sister, , is a five. Genetically/environmentally, this makes sense, as I share a lot of five tendencies - specifically the curiosity factor, which is a huge motivator and core value of mine. Where we differ, & how I become a three, is where she is contemplative and perceptive, I’m more of a generalist, loud, extroverted, & some may say boisterous with my ideas and vision. I’m hesitant to say I’m more ambitious, as she’s currently going for her PhD, but there is a slight difference in the way we go about our career paths.
Jaclyn & I spent a lot of time growing up outside, observing the way the world works in creeks and forests outside our home. We were encouraged from a very young age to pursue the sciences, and I distinctly remember getting and playing with my first pre-school aged chemistry set. So our curiosity with the outside world makes sense, as it was fostered & cultivated early on.
I became preoccupied with my internal world in college, where I minored in philosophy. I took it almost to a point of obsession in my early 20s, getting intensely into nihilism & existentialism. Jaclyn, on the other hand, has used her internal experiences & curiosity to drive her research & studies. She’s essentially made a career out of her 5-ness, which is pretty cool.
Understanding how the world works, understanding why we’re here, & living a life with curiosity and insight can lead you down a rabbit hole of despair & confusion if you’re not careful with the way you apply your perspective & insight. I now prefer the more existential/pragmatic approach to these questions (rather than the pessimistic/nihilistic one of my youth).
The existential philosopher, Sartre explains my 3/5 approach to life best: Life has no meaning a priori. It is up to you to give it a meaning, & value is nothing but the meaning you choose.

Go against the grain, Luna fish. Life is boring if you just do what everyone else does.
Sure, people might think you’re a special snowflake. But they just don’t see the giant stack of pancakes you’re heading towards. Do you boo boo.

MY PEOPLE ||
I’ve had the great privilege of meeting the right people at the right time recently. People that I instantly connect with. People that tell me things I need to hear. People that hold me accountable to my power and my values (which I haven’t been living into recently).
They’re people who are vibrating on the same frequency, with similar stories. We share a symbiotic relationship of support and compassion. We choose empowerment over commiseration. We participate in the practice of non-judgment and intentional listening together. These are my people.
They’re the ones who echo the poet, Rumi, in saying “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.”
Today, I am living in gratitude for these people and relationships. Thank you all for elevating me and making me better. For allowing me to continue believing in the power of love and light that exudes from each and every soul on this planet.
Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which mankind can aspire to (credit / Viktor Frankl) and I for one am rich in love right now.
Shout out to the best team on earth for always holding it down. We have fun, we rock outerwear like NOBODY else, and we support each other no matter what.

POSSIBILITY ||
What do you get when you combine:
▫️ 3 coaches.
▫️ 1 former FV educator turned coach.
▫️ 1 current Fashion Valley ambassador.
▫️ And 17 rad human beings?
A world of possibility, hustle, , and resilience. So grateful to have my former FV family forging the community connections in their area at RESILIENCE.
The intention of the day was from ‘s Core12 // Practice of Leadership: POSSIBILITY. A delicious combination of cultivating curiosity (a core value of yours truly) and challenging our assumptions, beliefs, and ideas through self awareness and introspection.
Living in heaps of gratitude and leaving you with Neitzsche — “A thought, even a possibility, can shatter and transform us.”

INTELLIGENCE WITHIN ||
I don’t think I’ve ever talked about the silver goddess in my heart here on the gram.
I was first awakened to her presence at Light of Leadership in Fall 2018 with (where I now coach, full circle).
At the time of her discovery, that silver goddess that lives in my heart space was emaciated, hunched over, and curled up in the fetal position due to years of neglect and abuse (self-inflicted, for the most part). I distinctly remember writing “I hate myself” in my journal and sobbing as I confessed it aloud to a room full of then-strangers.
That confession was my call to awaken to my divine intelligence within and embark upon a journey of radical self acceptance and eventually self love. A continuous process, mind you. *Cue never-ending story song*
I frequently call upon the goddess in my heart during meditations and she has taken many forms.
She has tried to claw out to comfort another experiencing similar wounds.
She has sat with another and shared her space with the god figure of a loved one; and,
She has raised her arms and palms to the sky in exaltation, surrender, and joy.
She is the source of my highest power and agape love. A source in touch with the current of the universe. The seat of intuition, purpose, and transformation.
Today, I challenge you to sit with your breath and observe what comes up. It is safe for you to be powerful. You know how to be so in a loving way that benefits yourself and others. Trust.

LUNA ||
Everything the light touches is your kingdom. That’s it for the caption. I don’t have much else to say right now.

LETTING GO V. HOLDING ON ||
I read a book recently about non-attachment, and it had some great points, don’t get me wrong. But I’ve also been thinking about honoring relationships and experiences with gratitude as an alternative answer to the question of: how do I let go and move on?
The easiest way I can think of to explain this approach is with dogs. They’re only with us for a tragically short period of time and when they leave us it stings (more than any heartbreak I’ve experienced thus far).
I lost my first dog that I raised, Eleanor Rigby, close to 4 years ago and I still haven’t “let go”. I think about her often and my heart swells with sorrow and joy at the memories we made together. Likewise, I’m sure there will be people and places I think about 50 years from now with a somber fondness.
Rather than focus all of our efforts on letting go and moving on from dogs, or people, or places, or careers, I think we should hold on lightly to the memories and apply a heavy filter of gratitude to them.
Why gratitude? Well, in my experience, everything in my life that has left and caused a great deal of pain and heartache has also ignited and awakened something within me. Ellie, for example, awakened my sense responsibility and patience (although the latter definitely still needs work). Without her presence in my life gaining that responsibility would have been slow going!
So which one is best? Letting things go or holding on lightly? I have no f**king clue and am certainly not the best person to go to for advice on this. What I do know is while these little psychos pictured above are in my life, I’m going to love them and learn from them and hold on to them with a whole lot of tenderness and compassion. And that brings me comfort in this present moment.

WILDERNESS ||
This weekend I had the privilege of helping facilitate a day of connection, hiking, geocaching, and conversation about product, people, and purpose with San Diego. Oh and beer and pizza.
I still can’t even begin to comprehend that what I get up to on a daily basis is “work”. Every thing I’ve been up to recently, including this weekend’s activities, align so strongly with my core values of connection, wisdom, adventure, and service. Over the course of the past month or so I have been awakening to my authentic self in an incredibly powerful way.
I am so impressed and inspired by the creative genius, for blowing this passion project of his out of the water. I am eternally grateful for and for funding this experiential adventure to celebrate the collab (which I’m OBSESSED with), and I can’t wait to commit to my Q4 practice of weekly and salt water visits.
“In the wilderness is the salvation of the world” — HDT @ Cuyamaca Rancho State Park

ANTHEM ||
A rousing or uplifting song identified with a particular group, body, or cause. No one wants to hear me sing anymore - that ship has sailed (sorry bout all those voice lessons, Mom). But you bet your b***y I’ve got a collection of mantras, affirmations, and phrases that awaken this body and soul to seek or achieve its greatest potential.
In lifting, I tell myself: trust the process. Some days you lift like s**t, other days your body feels beaten down, then you’ll PR every lift on an SBD day. I remind myself to be fully present and intentional during every rep of every set. Distraction leads to laxity in mind and/or body, which leads to a failed lift. I tell myself: manifest your destiny. To visualize a successful lift instead of reinforcing fear of failure through my mind’s eye.
How I approach my mindset in the gym is congruent with how I want to live my life. The two anthems I sing to myself are harmonious. The most pervasive verses in my life are: follow your bliss, never settle, and, most recently, one day at a time.
My point with this discussion on my anthem is two-fold. 1) How you speak to yourself matters. Reinforce the positive and sing about gratitude over fear. 2) Find the anthem that you can apply to everything you do in your life. Lifting, life, love, career, etc. It makes the song much easier to sing if you don’t have to juggle multiple/conflicting keys, chords, or intentions.