Therapy By Dassy

Dear Fellow Humans,

Four years ago, during the early months of the Covid 19 pandemic, four finch couples built nests in the pergola in our backyard. My husband, Yoav, tried to stop them by removing the twigs as they brought them. His argument was that nests bring trouble: critters, mess, etc. I convinced him to leave the nests alone, arguing that it will be educational for the kids to get to see the process of nest building, egg laying and hatching, and eventual flight out of the nest. It was Covid shutdown: there wasn’t much else to do during that time, so why not bird watch in our own backyard?

Yoav proved to be correct and the experiment did not end well. First of all, birds are nasty. As you can see in the photo above, they p**p in their nest. I don’t know whether it’s for structural reasons - perhaps it strengthens the nest and/or makes it waterproof - or just because they’re gross. We also learned that bird nests attract bird lice. After all the birds left their p**p filled nests behind for us to clean, thousands of teeny tiny lice started crawling all over our pergola. Lastly, we did not realize that new chicks fly low when they learn to fly, at least when they have to fly out from under the roof of a pergola. We have two huskies with a high prey drive. At least two of the chicks did not live past their first flight. One was chased straight into our neighbors fence which ended in a literal head-on collision, and the other one was toyed with enough that - well you know what happened. My middle kid, who was 12 at the time, was so affected by the brutality of nature that he became a vegetarian for a while.

After that experience, Yoav placed bird spikes in the corners of the pergola to deter the birds from building nests there again. The joke was on us: they built the nests in between the spikes! After that, he did a little construction work and closed off the corners completely so that there wouldn’t be a flat surface for them to build on. That worked until this year when one finch couple decided to build their nest on top of the curtain that hangs in the pergola. Again, Yoav tried removing the twigs as soon as they would bring them, but in the end, the birds were persistent enough that he gave up. Little nut-sized-brain creatures won the battle against a human. That's not because Yoav is lacking in any way, that’s just nature doing her thing.

Despite not wanting to be a landlord to birds, Yoav is actually a softy. He’s the one who took the photo you see above - he experienced a moment of awe and shared it with the family. I love this photo and felt compelled to share it with all of you because I see in it love, partnership, and resilience. Allow me to break that down for you:

Love: in the photo, we see mom and dad finch feeding their new chicks. They flew out (our version of going to the store) and brought back worms and such to regurgitate (ew) into their babies’ mouths so that they can grow.

Partnership: mom and dad finch working together, from building the nest to gathering food to feeding their chicks. It’s a beautiful family portrait of commitment, mutual responsibility, and support.

Resilience: four years ago, the birds showed us who’s boss and they did it again the year after by finding a work around to our deterrent. This year yet again, the birds beat the humans: you destroy our home, we will rebuild! They found what they deemed to be prime real estate in a hostile world and didn’t give up. They showed persistence in the face of adversity.

My dear fellow humans, when was the last time that you were inspired by a bird? How humbling it is to find inspiration in a creature so small. Inspiration to be a better parent, a better partner, and a more resilient person. I hope that you, as well, have found inspiration in this story. Truth be told, there are opportunities for inspiration all around us. We just have to stop and be silent long enough to notice them.

With love,
Dassy

Music is a big part of my life; not because I’m particularly talented in producing it but because I’m great at consuming it. It never ceases to amaze me how music affects my mood, how it transports me, how it makes my physical body and my spiritual being come alive. Music speaks to us, heals us, comforts us, connects us.
My family is aware that I will break into song when a word triggers a specific tune in my head. My kids hate when I do that because it interrupts the conversation. I’m sure it’s also because I can’t sing. I mean, I can, just not well. I imagine it’s a bit painful to those who have to listen to me belt out tunes. However, it makes me really happy to sing these songs so I do it anyway. I don’t only sing as a game of word association but I also sing whenever the mood hits. I love singing - loudly and with all my heart. I'm often asked to turn down the music and stop singing so loudly.
You may ask why I keep doing it if it bothers those around me. I do it because music is my lifeline: songs give me a voice when I can’t find mine, and instrumental music releases my body and soul when I feel trapped and immobile. If receiving the ther**eutic effects of music means having to put up with a few boos from the audience, then so be it! I’m also really hopeful that one day they’ll join me and we can make beautiful, if off key, music together.
Not only do my family and friends have to put up with my word association singing, but so do my clients. Sometimes during a session, a client or I will say a word or discuss a topic that triggers my mental song/music library. I will often then assign that song as their theme song which they can summon up as needed for support and/or inspiration. Yes, I do in fact sing parts of the songs for and/or with my clients. To date, they have all been kind enough to not try to shush my inner diva.

Dear Fellow Humans,

I’ve been in Israel Since April 8th. This is the first time in 23 years that I will celebrate Passover here, in the land the Bible tells us that the Israelites yearned for during their over 200 years of slavery in Egypt and during 2000 years of forced diaspora. This year, it will be a much more emotional and meaningful Passover Seder because of the horrific events of October 7th and the 133 hostages still being held by Hamas in Gaza, which borders Egypt, the site of the original Exodus story. Thousands of years after the Israelites were freed from slavery, we now have 133 being held captive for over six months just kilometers from where their forefathers and foremothers were held captive.

The word in Hebrew for Egypt, where the Israelites were enslaved for approximately 215 years, is Mitzrayim which has in its root the word tzar or narrow. On the literal level, the Israelites were slaves in Egypt. On the figurative level, they were enslaved in their minds, in that narrow place that doesn’t allow us to see the range of options before us.

Regardless of whether one believes in the religious aspect of the story of the Exodus, it is possible to take from it an empowering mental health message: the strongest prison in which a person is trapped is the one in their own mind. In the story of Exodus, it says that God had the Israelites wander the desert for 40 years because he wanted a new generation, one that was not conditioned to slavery, to enter the Promised Land. The previous generation was so entrenched in the experience of slavery that many regretted leaving Egypt and the known evil for the terrifying unknown of freedom. Today, we see behavior such as this in women and men who stay in abusive and unhealthy relationships rather than seek freedom from their abuser; we see this in people who are afraid to leave toxic work environments for the fear of the unknown - also known as “the golden handcuffs'' which is when the salary and benefits are so good that one is willing to put up with maltreatment and/or toxicity; and we see this in many other examples of the human experience.

I literally could write a book on examples of people that managed to overcome inhumane conditions, such as survivors of the holocaust, oppression and persecution, r**e, tragic loss, and extreme violence. Instead, I’ll suggest you listen to this episode of The Happiness Lab: https://open.spotify.com/episode/66F3FJC5bEI336iFRmbSfw?si=a36ebefc1f1a4f1a in which Dr. Laurie Santos discusses “Simple Ways to Feel Great Every Day with Dr. Ranjan Chaterjee and to read the book "The Choice: Embrace the Possible" by Dr. Edith Eva Eger.

I’m going to leave you with two songs that I happen to love and that are extremely relevant to this topic. The first is Go Down Moses by Louis Armstrong: https://open.spotify.com/track/6Me5YpJJIxOMJK5kYPxTvI?si=51d2a38092c64930. Not only is this song literally about the Exodus but also an African American spiritual for freedom from the slavery of the colonies and later the United States. In this rendition, Louis (whom I adore so much one of my dogs is named after him) sings this song with an upbeat rhythm. I hear in it a hopefulness, a joy for life and a choice to have a can-do attitude that won’t allow anything to break us.

The second song is Free Your Minds by En Vogue: https://open.spotify.com/track/2vG1yrWSMiL6egg6w4e9ma?si=c277240772324f02. This an “oldie” from the 90s. I’m old enough that I danced to it with my besties during my college days, which happened to be in Israel so we’ve come full circle! This song is fun and is a great reminder to “free your mind and the rest will follow”.

Dear friends, I wish those who celebrate a happy and meaningful Passover. I wish for all of us and the world freedom from the literal and figurative chains that hold us captive and limit us.

With love,
Dassy

Anxiety is part of the human condition. We all have it to some extent. Share the name of your anxiety in the comments below.

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Dear Fellow Humans,

This edition of DFH has been stewing in my head for some time now. Yesterday, I searched for the photos that I wanted to include with a plan to sit down today to finally knock out the written portion. My original inspiration for this piece was the pure joy I feel in the small moments shared with my two dogs, Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald. My intention was to share the wellness benefits of living with a pet. I will get to that part shortly.

The universe has quite the sense of humor: exactly on the day that I intended to write about the joy my dogs bring me, two not so joyous dog-related events took place:

On the way to school this morning, my youngest informed me that one of the dogs had p**ped on the rug upstairs. Oh, joy. My initial thought was: “Do I really feel inspired now to write about spooning with my dog after one of them p**ped, yet again, in the house? After dropping off the kids, I headed up the stairs to clean it up. [Word to the wise for all you pet parents out there: invest in a robot vacuum and a carpet shampooer.]

Since the universe was feeling extra frisky today, someone left the front gate unlatched so that when I let the dogs out to get them ready for our morning walk - after cleaning their p**p from the rug - they were able to open the gate and run out before I had the leashes on them. Oh, joy, take 2. It all happened so fast that I just stood there for a moment, frozen in place, questioning whether that did in fact happen. I called out to them knowing full well they wouldn’t just pop a u-turn and come back. Again, I thought, “so much for the joy of spooning with my dogs” and considered scrapping this whole idea. I got in my car and started driving up the street. I found them, stopped, got out the car, opened the back door and called them over. They started coming towards me then turned and ran back up the street, probably chanting: nah nah nah nah nah nah, you can’t catch us! So, back in my car to follow them up again. The second time was a charm, they ran to me and the open car door, I was able to get them inside, and we drove back home. The whole ordeal was probably not more than 3 minutes - I got really lucky, and so did they because a few cars dove past as this was all going down.

While I was walking with them, properly this time with leashes, I again considered whether it would be misleading of me to write about the pure love and joy I feel when interacting with my dogs considering that they gave me a pretty rough morning. Then I realized that, exactly because of the events of this morning, I should write this. Any parent of a human child will tell you that they often find themselves breathless by the love they feel for their children and, without missing a beat, that parenting is exhausting, ages us, frays our nerves, and puts a cramp in our style. For those of us who chose to be parents, the love we have for our children is worth the hard parts. I’m not equating human babies to fury babies, but rather noting that it’s virtually impossible to experience the good in life without also experiencing the bad. The bad is what makes the good so good. The more I reflected on it, the less negative it all seemed. I was able to check my negativity bias and focus on the positive aspects of what happened: 1) they eventually came to me and hopped in the car because they love and trust me; 2) I did not feel like walking this morning because I didn’t sleep well last night but, thanks to them, I walked and felt much better for it.

Now onto the wellness benefits of living with a pet. Louis and Ella are siblings. I was planning on getting only one dog, but when I saw them, I didn't have the heart to separate them. We adopted them when they were 10 weeks old. They are now 6. Ella is the smart one. She’s feisty and a lover - she’ll French kiss you if you let her. Louis is a bit of an oaf but has the sweetest soul. He loves to cuddle. In the morning, Ella will jump on my bed and lick me to get me up so I’ll let her out. Louis, on the other hand, will jump on the bed and spoon with me. Guess which one is my favorite. The photos above are of Louis in various modes of cuddling with me, all initiated by him.

Spooning with a fellow human is great. Spooning with your dog is something else entirely. The dogs and I share many moments throughout the day, sometimes staring into each other's eyes, sometimes forehead to forehead, sometimes with me burying my face in the fur behind their ears. The love and comfort they provide me come with no strings attached, no expectations, no whining, no manipulation. They accept me for who I am as I am at any given moment. They are there for a quick or extended moment of connection when I need one, even providing me with them when I didn’t realize I needed one, as in the photos above. They remind me that we can find connection with others even without exchanging a word. The dogs connect me to the larger animal kingdom, reminding me that the world is not just about us faulty humans, and that we are part of something so much larger than just our human existence.

I realize that not everyone is an animal person and that not everyone wants to have a pet or perhaps cannot have one due to their living situation. Please allow me to suggest cuddling with a large stuffed animal (I’m totally serious) and investing in a weighted blanket and a heating pad. These are ways to simulate the experience of cuddling with a warm being, human or animal, despite one not actually being there.

My friends, my initial intention when the idea of this edition of Dear Fellow Human came to mind was to focus on the warm and fuzzy aspects of living with a pet. This morning, however, the universe instructed me to keep it real. There are lots of warm and fuzzy moments, but there are also sleepless nights and anxious days because of my dogs (not to mention the occasional p**p on my finger, most recently this morning). The love and joy my family, visitors to our home, and I experience in sweet moments with Louis and Ella, the walks they take me on, and the sense of purpose provided by caring for another make it all worthwhile.

With love,
Dassy, Louis, and Ella 🐾

Dear Fellow Humans,

Today, we’re going to nerd out on linguistics, a topic that I find fascinating. It also happens to be part of my undergrad major so I might as well put that part of my education to some use after 26 or so years. I promise that this seemingly non-mental health related topic will take us to a place of greater insight, raise our awareness, increase our connectedness, and facilitate mindfulness; all of which will help lead us to better overall wellbeing. Trust me, it’ll be fun! So, I invite you to take my virtual hand and let’s head out on this little journey together, shall we? (You may want to bring a snack because this edition of DFH is a bit longer than usual.)

We have heard the phrase “pay attention” multiple times in our lives. Sometimes from teachers, sometimes from our parents, sometimes as a plea from someone on whom we are not fully focused. It’s a phrase I never really paid much attention to (see what I did there? 🙂). That is until one day, I actually paid attention and realized how different this phrase is in Hebrew, a language I speak more or less fluently, learning most of it in my late teens and twenties. There is actually no word for “attention” in Hebrew. The phrase is la’sim lev (לשים לב) which translates to “to put heart” as a verb or tzumat lev (תשומת לב) “putting of the heart” as a noun. The slang version of the latter is tzumi, as in “I need some tzumi”, which is super cute in my opinion.

This difference inspired me to look into how the idea of “paying attention” is communicated in other languages. In French, one would say “faites attention”, literally “make attention” (three years of high school French and that’s more or less what I have left from it). In Spanish, one says “prestar atención” which translates to “to lend attention” (I Google Translated that one). As you can see, the phrases in these four languages, which indicate the same action or idea, are vastly different, not just because of the varying Anglo-Saxon, Latin, and Semitic origins, but also in their use of language as a means to communicate.

Now’s the fun part where we roll up our sleeves and start unpacking these phrases linguistically. Linguistics is fascinating because we can learn a lot about a culture, a people, by how they use language. For instance, languages that have masculine and feminine nouns - how do they decide which noun is assigned a specific gender? This one is fun to do in Hebrew. The rule in Hebrew is that all body parts that are singular are masculine and all parts that are in pairs or more are feminine. For example, nose is masculine and hands are feminine. However, as in all languages, there are exceptions. Some joker thousands of years ago decided that breasts should be masculine, despite them being a distinctly female body part and coming in pairs, and tongue should be feminine despite there being only one tongue - hmm. Research has shown that women do use more words per day than men, so I suppose we deserve ownership of that body part but most likely a man decided that his wife talked too much and hence assigned femininity to this singular body part. As for breasts, I think we all know why that was claimed for men. Maybe it’s time to petition the Academy for the Hebrew Language for a gender change to “breasts”.

Here’s another fun one: The word "testify" is derived from the Latin word for te**es (say what?!?). Back in the day, a man would place his hand on his or on another man’s testicles as a form of taking an oath, pledging, or otherwise doing business. We see it more than once in the Hebrew bible (the Old Testament): “So the servant put his hand under the thigh of Abraham his master and swore to him concerning this matter.” Genesis 24:9 and “And the time drew nigh that Israel must die: and he called his son Joseph, and said unto him, If now I have found grace in thy sight, put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh, and deal kindly and truly with me; bury me not, I pray thee, in Egypt:” Genesis 47:29. It is understood that “under my thigh” is a euphemism for the male reproductive organs. This was also the practice in ancient Rome. And apparently, other primates, such as baboons, do it as well. What a fun bit of trivia to share next time you are called to testify in court - or perhaps if you want to get dismissed from jury duty.

I digressed a bit but felt it necessary to do so to draw you into the joys of linguistics. Back to our phrase of the day: “paying attention”.

So to recap we have:
English: pay attention
Spanish: prestar atención
French: faites attention
Hebrew: la’sim lev

In the first three Latin influenced languages, attention is a noun and something has to be done with or to it. In English, we “pay” it. The message here is that attention is transactional: I pay with my attention for something you will provide me, perhaps information, perhaps entertainment, perhaps love. Similarly, in Spanish there is a transaction between parties but a seemingly temporary one since we are “lending” our attention. When we lend something, we expect to get it back. The message here seems to be: I’ll lend you my attention but I expect to receive attention back. Or, perhaps, I will lend my attention but only for a short while because I’ll need it back to lend to someone or something else. In French, we “make” attention. This one indicates that there is effort involved in attention; it doesn’t just show up but rather we have to put energy into it and make it.

In Hebrew they went fully poetic and/or the ancient Hebrews actually understood mindfulness thousands of years before it became a buzzword. “To put heart”. The message here is that, without using our hearts, we’re not fully paying attention. Yes, our brain can interpret what our five senses are picking up, but if we haven’t enlisted our hearts then we aren’t getting the full picture. We aren’t seeing, hearing, and feeling as deeply as those around us deserve to be seen, heard, and felt. We aren’t experiencing life as whole-heartedly as the awesomeness of the universe deserves and was intended for us to experience. La’sim lev, my friends, is mindfulness at its core. It is what leads us to true connection with ourselves, with others, and with our world. And only through connection can we find meaning and purpose. By increasing connection, meaning and purpose, we increase our wellbeing. See, I told you we’d arrive here at the end of this journey!

I sincerely hope you enjoyed taking this linguistic trip with me, and that you will from now on put your heart towards those things in life, whether people or experiences, which require and deserve your heart-felt attention.

Dear Fellow Humans,

I treated myself to a massage today. I’m not sharing this to make anyone envious. I’m hoping it’s a model of good self care but there is also a more significant mental health message coming.

These past few months have been particularly challenging for me, for both personal and global reasons. I’m not special in that. Millions of people across the globe are struggling like I am, some less, some more, all struggling. During the massage, I found it extremely challenging to quiet the thoughts in my head that were demanding my attention. They just kept coming at me, distracting me from the work of allowing my mind and body to receive some tender loving care and healing. Yes, it is work to be mindful and present even when we are in a seemingly relaxing and enjoyable situation. For most of us, being present doesn’t just happen. It’s why mindfulness is called a “practice”.

Throughout the massage, despite the truly magical hands of my masseuse and the intoxicating scent of the aromatherapy oil, the distressing thoughts kept knocking on my brain, and I kept kindly telling them to take a hike, and then tried to refocus on releasing toxins and freeing up blocked qi (life force or energy in Chinese medicine) so that healthy energy can flow through my body and cure what ails me, both mentally and physically.

This is pretty much how I spent the massage: in a back and forth between my obnoxious thoughts and my desire to bring healing to my overloaded mind and knotted body. I’m aware that I am privileged in being able to treat myself to a massage. I’m also aware that my husband and I work really hard, which is what allowed me to treat myself today. Having said that, despite acknowledging my blessings, I left the massage feeling a bit down - more relaxed but still down. The distressing thoughts didn’t dissipate along with my shoulder knots. They got in the car with me, drove to the exit with me, and then…

And then I drove out from the underground parking to the awe inspiring image of the rainbow you see above. It took my breath away, even my thoughts were speechless! The latter is why allowing ourselves to have moments of awe is so important for our mental health. I pulled over so that I could admire it, take the photo, and smile. I smiled because rainbows make me smile. Rainbows, since the time of Noah’s Ark, are a sign that everything is going to be alright. It’s not insignificant that they appear after a storm (even a light one). That’s what life is: storms followed by rainbows, followed by sunshine, and around and around again. Things may be challenging right now, but that rainbow spoke to me and told me that I’ll find my way and experience inner peace again.

*Trigger warning for the remainder of the letter.

I’m about to touch on a topic that may make some readers uncomfortable. I’ve been very vocal on it in my personal social sphere but I have refrained from speaking about it in my professional sphere. Today’s rainbow has inspired me to speak up. I also realized that I should listen to the quote at the bottom of my email signature: "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?" Hillel 110 BCE - 10 CE. So here goes, let the chips fall where they may.

I mentioned that I spotted the rainbow as I was driving up from an underground parking structure. After the initial joy in seeing it and deciding to take it as a sign that I’d be ok, a hopeful and emotional image struck me: what if, right now, the 132 Israeli hostages who have been held underground for 108 days were being freed, were walking out to the welcoming embrace of just such a rainbow. 108 days. 108 days underground, minimal food, being beaten, r**ed, barely allowed to speak, denied medications. 108 days of babies, the elderly, and everything in between being held captive. This is not resistance, this is not freedom fighting. This is humankind at its most evil. It’s irrelevant whether you are pro-Palestinian or pro-Israeli or pro both. You can be those things and also be against the taking of hostages, the ra**ng of women, the beheading of babies, the burning alive of entire families. I’m not about to go into politics here. Happy to have that discussion on the side. All I ask is: Why can’t we be pro-Humanity?

I was blessed and privileged today not only because of the massage but because I was able to drive out of the underground darkness into freedom and light and the vista of a hopeful rainbow. I hope that you will all pray with me, to whichever god or spirit you pray, that the remaining 132 hostages will walk out to freedom before we count off 109 days. That humanity will prevail. That the fighting will end and peace will reign.

**eisnotresistance

Dear Fellow Humans,

There is a program on an Israeli radio station in which the host relates the backstory of a song before it is played. A few years ago, I was listening to the program when the song "Cecilia" by Simon & Garfunkel came up. This is an oldie (even older than I am 😉) and a great song, as are all of Simon & Garfunkel's works, in my opinion. I always thought the song was about a man singing to his lover who cheated on him - in his bed no less - and then came back to him. If you listen to the words, that's pretty much the song at face value. However, the host of this radio show explained that the inspiration for "Cecilia" by Simon & Grafunkel is actually St. Cecilia, the patron saint of music. So, in actuality, the deeper story behind the song is of a musician who has lost his inspiration to create music and is begging for St. Cecilia to bring it back to him, which she does: "jubilation, she loves me again".

I am going to take some poetic license here and appropriate St. Cecilia for all creative endeavors, beyond music. I am also going to cast a wide net with the definition of creativity and take it beyond forms of art. I believe that we are all creatives. We may not paint, or write, or compose music, or choreograph, etc, but our very being is a daily act of creation. We are constantly creating when we walk through this world: creating joy, creating friendships, creating space for others, creating nurturing environments, creating meaning, and the list goes on and on.

So, to all my creatives out there - meaning each and every one of you - I dedicate this uplifting and inspiring song. I've included the lyrics below. I hope it will help you in times when you feel stuck, when you need to get your creative juices flowing again.

Cecilia, you're breaking my heart
You're shaking my confidence daily
Oh, Cecilia, I'm down on my knees
I'm begging you please to come home

Cecilia, you're breaking my heart
You're shaking my confidence daily
Oh, Cecilia, I'm down on my knees
I'm begging you please to come home
Come on home

Making love in the afternoon with Cecilia
Up in my bedroom (making love)
I got up to wash my face
When I come back to bed someone's taken my place

Cecilia, you're breaking my heart
You're shaking my confidence daily
Oh, Cecilia, I'm down on my knees
I'm begging you please to come home
Come on home

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

Jubilation
She loves me again
I fall on the floor and I'm laughing

Jubilation
She loves me again
I fall on the floor and I'm laughing

Whoah-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Whoah-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Whoah-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Whoah-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

*Image credit to Tamina Perry