Susie Cobb Therapy

Sometimes the problem with self betterment is never feeling good enough. We live in a culture of wellness that is constantly reminding us of ways we can improve. We are asked to do more and try harder with little emphasis on being present with our children or feeling that we are enough. What would happen if we told parents they are doing a good job, even when they struggle? What if there were less shame and more understanding of our own humanness?

If you yelled today, you are enough. If you forgot that favorite stuffed animal or snack, you are enough. If you chose screen time over imaginative play, you are enough. Your worth is not measured by one moment of your parenting, but by your consistent presence and innate worthiness. You are doing a good job, even on the hard days.

I both loathe and love bedtime. As my husband and I take turns each night laying in bed with our son, stroking his long hair and soothing him to sleep. I have come to accept that this process will always feel like a gift and a burden. But as I move deeper into radical acceptance, I remember that one day I will pick him up for the last time and never hold him in my arms again. So I hold his body close to mine, for as long as I can. In this process, I can feel the expansion of my heart and my ability to feel gratitude.

Coregulation starts with self regulation and self regulation requires a deep understanding of your triggers, your strengths and your limitations. When we approach our children with dysregulation (yelling, demanding and disappointment) we are teaching them that when they are mad, sad and all the feelings in between, the way through is by more dysregulation. When we approach them calmly, we are showing the how to regulate and inviting them to deescalate and process their own feelings. This is why supporting parents to process their emotions with other adults and fill up their cups is so deeply important. The work you do to care for yourself is not selfish, it is an act of love for yourself and everyone around you.

Many women do not seek help for postpartum psychosis for fear that they will be judged or have their babies taken away. The results can often be suffering that is a revocable damaging to children and families. Don’t wait to seek care. The health of you and your baby are far too important. You are worthy of love.

A better world starts within the walls of our homes. Never before in history have families been so isolated or lacked so many resources to support the increasing demands on children and adults. So many parents are struggling right now to do it all, make ends meet and to employ parenting strategies that will support a generation of caring and secure adults. The work you do every day is so important. And despite your struggles, you are overcoming so many of the challenges of our times. Don’t discredit your good work. Be kind to yourself when you make mistakes. In rupture there is opportunity for repair, closeness and growth.

This is why I do this work and why I believe so deeply in the power of parenting. Keep up the good work mom and dad. I see you and believe in you.

Do you feel like you’re always running around trying to get ahead? Do you feel exhausted and like you are never doing enough? You might be experiencing burn out and perfectionism resulting from the multitude of daily tasks that pile up and make life feel overwhelming. Motherhood comes with it a barrage of tiny daily tasks (in addition to the big ones) that can send us into a tailspin of constant preparation and planning. But how do you slow down when there is so much to do?

The infinite needs of our families are real and being told to “do less” or “slow down” can feel like gaslighting the motherhood experience. There are ways that we can manage our lives differently by improving nervous system regulation and decreasing perfectionistic thinking. Perfectionism in women can be extremely hard to let go of, especially if you had childhood trauma or were always expected to be high achieving.

Shifting your perspective into believing that your work is “good enough” may feel like the rug is being pulled out from under you or that your safety is being taken away. Deep breaths Mama, this work takes time and support from a caring support system and professionals who understand. The work will get done and you can enjoy your life and your children. A life that brings you joy, may not look like what you expected. And it can be better than what you ever thought was possible

In 2021, maternal mortality rates skyrocketed with 1205 women dying of maternal causes in 2021, a 40 percent increase from 2020 and the highest rate the country has seen since the 1960s. The U.S. maternal-mortality rate for 2021 was 32.9 deaths per 100,000 live births — more than ten times the estimated rates of other high-income countries, including Australia, Austria, Israel, Japan, and Spain, which, NPR reports, hovered between two and three deaths per 100,000 in 2020.
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Racial disparities increase these death drastically, with Black women most affected due in part to racism and discrimination in the health-care system, which frequently doesn’t address underlying conditions in Black patients. In 2021, the rate for Black women was 69.9 deaths per 100,000 live births, which is 2.6 times higher than for white women and 2.4 times higher than for Hispanic women.
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Maternal deaths are not the only threat to women, birthing persons and babies in child birth. An estimated 1 in 3 women will experience obstetrical violence or birth trauma and go on to develop CB-PTSD. These can have greater implications for connection with baby, breastfeeding and long term mental health outcomes. There are ways to overcome these effects and decrease the frequency and duration of CB-PTSD. It starts with telling your story and regulating your nervous system.
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Women and birthing persons deserve better. You are powerful and you can heal.

Hug your babies close.

Earth Day has become a bittersweet holiday for many as we grieve the loss of species, ecosystems and human life resulting from rampant global warming and pollution. The effects on our mental health, though rarely talked about, are significant and pose an even greater psychological detriment to our kids. How do we help them make sense of it, when we can’t even make sense of it ourselves?
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Step one is to understand and acknowledge how this tragedy affects us and our children. Eco depression and anxiety are real, documented experiences resulting from a general sense of doom about the fate of the planet we call home. We often erroneously believe that if we approach a topic, we will put an idea in a child’s mind. The truth is that our kids’ are constantly taking in information all around them. If they don’t know these facts about the earth now, they will certainly know in the near future. Having open conversations with kids about global warming and pollution helps them to feel a sense of understanding. It will also help them to feel a greater sense of trust in you as their caregiver thus strengthening their attachment bonds and future mental health outcomes.
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Fighting global warming, pollution and their effects is a battle we could easily win. This is a known fact. And yet we don’t, year after passing year due to corporate greed for profit margins. We are told the power is in our hands, that we should recycle more and buy green products. But without corporate change, our work is a drop in the bucket. The onus is not on you alone parents. And it’s not on our children either. Activism can feel impossible between sleep schedules, homework and drives to and from practice. But starting small is better than not starting at all. Include your children in the process. Plant a seedling in your own home. Watch a nature documentary. Cultivate your child’s wonder in the earth. You never know how they may inspire change in us all.

Whether through estrangement, death or traumatic events, parenting while parentless can feel like you are lost at sea, desperately trying to stay afloat amongst the choppy waters of your own childhood memories. The notion of cycle breaking can place enormous weight on your shoulders. You may falter at moments, kicking off a shame narrative that perpetuates a constant cycle of negative self talk.

If this sounds like you, you are not alone. So many of us are breaking away from what we learned and rebuilding in our own families. When we talk about cycle breaking, what is often left out of the conversation is the inordinate burden of emotional and mental labor required to unlearn what we were given. No one wants to say the painful truth out loud: many of us are alone and struggling. I want to release you from your shame Mom and Dad. What you are doing is no small feat. Your efforts to parent consciously and authentically will reach far beyond the walls of your home.

Each day you wake up, I want you to think of this mantra: I am safe and so is my child. I keep my self safe and I keep my child safe.

You are doing a great job and you are enough

The uncontested favorite motherhood quote of those that I’ve collected. I believe that motherhood is an invitation to do our own deeper work and that children can be our greatest teachers. What challenges you changes you mama.

You might be depressed. You also might be drowning under the weight of all that’s been placed upon your shoulders with nowhere to lighten your load. Every day, millions of mothers in the US take an antidepressant and while Psychiatric medication‘s can be hugely beneficial when needed, if nothing about their situation changes, then neither will their depression. We need better systems to support mothers. None of us can do this alone. But it does start with each of us individually, in our thinking, our support of one another and our ability to set boundaries with those around us.

From the feminist review:
We are so far removed from the power that women once held in the simple fact that they gave life that we allow ourselves to be redefined and molded into perfect caricatures of the maternal—designer moms that do it all: bake cookies and pies from scratch, kiss boo-boos, keep our men happy, maintain our looks and bodies well into our mid-forties, and hold on to our careers. Or we do it all and make motherhood our careers. This kind of pressure—this kind of definition—doesn’t apply to men, but for us it is constantly evolving, the rules for perfection becoming even more stringent and confining, worse than it had been for our maternal descendants.

Thurer confesses that she wrote this book for modern moms struggling with the ideals of motherhood that have been imposed on them and complicate their understanding of motherhood,

Highly recommend this book for anyone seeking to better their understanding of self within motherhood.

We talk about the village, but the truth is that making parent friends is hard. Finding people who share your values, lining up schedules, managing tantrums and family dynamics, mustering up the energy to get out the door and hoping that all these thing align on the same day and the same time so you can make it to that playdate or meetup is hard. Weeks or months may go by where you don’t feel you have the energy for social engagements. You may find that some groups are just not for you. All of this is OK.​​​​​​​​
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But the effort you put into relationships with other parents and families is so important. Making connections with people that get you, that you can lean on, in the hard times and the good, will reap immeasurable benefits for your mental well-being. I know you might be thinking, “You’re telling me there’s another task I’m supposed to put on my plate?” The answer is yes, but there are ways to make it easier on yourself. Try out one new group or playdate every two weeks. Schedule regular ‘Me time’ sessions with your coparent. Let yourself come as you are at each of these meet ups and challenge perfectionistic thinking. Those who are meant to be in your circle will accept you just as you are. ​​​​​​​​
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The pressure on parents today is immense and unyielding. We all must invest energy in not only our children, but ourselves. Do it for them, and do it for you.