Big T: The Journey from Trauma to Trust

Another day of grading. I am always amazed and humbled by the work of my students as they share their hearts and fresh ideas in their journey of helping people heal from traumas, abuse, and neglect. Reading their papers is an honor of the highest sort.

Thank you everyone who has sent love hugs and prayers. I am better today!

Fall is here. Fall reminds me that I need to stop and count my accomplishments for the year and the potential of the next year. Next month I pick up another class from a Bible school.

Raindrops

I’m on a thirty day journey into the world of substitutes.

It started with coffee. All things seem to begin with coffee for me. I Also struggle with the possibility that coffee may play a part in retaining weight I would rather shed. So for years I have asked God “is it the coffee?” And no answer that I can say yup that’s it.

Until now and the idea of substitutes. You see things like being just the right age to be a single parent Dolly Pardon’s song 9-5 with its line “pour myself a cup of ambition” helped me attach coffee to my obligation to work long hours to care for my small sons.

The simple thing of allowing coffee to help me across life issues is the issue with coffee. Anytime I teach for coffee instead of prayer and a focus on how God would like me to be and handle any situation is the problem with any substitute.

So does coffee affect my weight? I still don’t know but I have identified it as a substitute that relies on me and my effort and ideas instead of God’s which is fixable.

What are substitutes for you?

I remember as a kid the poem about the Wise Old Owl.

A wise old owl lived in an oak,
The more he saw, the less he spoke
The less he spoke, the more he heard,
Now, wasn't he a wise old bird?

Perhaps my journey into the world of nonverbal began back then. With listening, hearing, wisdom, and discernment. It seems to me that in the world of trauma, the one feature that stands out is that people do not feel listened to. They feel dismissed. The tendency is for the listener in an attempt to provide understanding, also to share a story which the trauma person then tends to feel discredits what they are trying to get said.

Perhaps, adding the space of the nonverbal, listening, and attention to a conversation also adds peace and a place where emotional content is safe enough to express.

It is a trusted space.

Trust is a unique thing when it comes to God. So many times we feel so separate from Him. So many times we feel as though it has been left up to us to figure it (our problems) out as best as we can and struggle on alone.

Yet trust is more than that. I've thought about my horses many times in connection to trust. The horses I have that have been with me for a while I trust and they trust me. My Dakota horse is 24 and was quite the handful when she was young. But, she (even in her stinker years) was the horse that if I was in trouble I knew I could count on to help me. For example, when we moved out here to the ranch, we discovered hawthorn trees with long spines. I introduced her to a tree and asked her to tell the other horses not to get into trouble with them. I don't know if she understood, but I do know none of the horses has ever gotten into trouble with the hawthorn trees.

Trust is there whether we are together and going somewhere, or if she is on the far side of the pasture. Trust is that I can call her and if she hears me she will come. We have a special whistle sound. And we have another sound to say food is ready. She likes that one!

The point is that trust is established over time. Trust is a joint endeavor. Trust is not something that you can tell yourself, I'm going to trust. It must be lived out. It must be challenged or you don't know it's really there. It must be rewarded (food for a whistle). It must be celebrated.

Dennis Reis (a famous horse trainer) has always said that in training horses, you reward the smallest try...as quickly as you see it. But the effort to do well increases as trust also builds. So don't get discouraged if you find yourself in a battle or think that God has distanced Himself from before you. Keep focused on the concept of trust. Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7

You might call it a quirk. But I learned from reading the book Lord Change Me by Evelyn Christenson that God can and does give birthday and Christmas presents! So every year I try to remember to ask for something.

But not just anything

This year my prayer for Christmas was "show me something more, something about the Christmas story that is fresh."

So Sunday one of the church ladies stands up and tells about how she received the impactful idea of God "believing in us" through a song. Which immediately took me to John 6:29:Jesus answered and said unto them, This is the work of God, that ye believe on him whom he hath sent.

I had thought about that verse for years that I work on believing. And yes there are times when believing is really hard work. But this idea brings me joy. Just like everything else that is God-given God-driven, I am not enough to do the work by myself. He places that belief just like Faith in us and He grows it in us so that we are learners, believers, disciples. what a change in perspective.

It is His work in us. I accept and receive His work to become more Christlike. May you find Jesus Christ in a new fresh way this Christmas! Don't forget to ask!

Holidays are made for kids and families. Because of that, there are many who don't do holidays. It is the loneliest time to be at church or school functions where others are talking about how many people showed up and the games they played and the big spread of food that adorned the table. For some, a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup are what's for supper. Perhaps a dog or cat to talk to or maybe even a spouse. Perhaps there are good movies on TV. Perhaps there are places to go, parks, a drive, a walk.

The point is that during the busy wonderful laughing-filled times with families, there are those among us that do not hear laughs unless the dog does something funny or the excited voices of children seeing their cousins for the first time in a year. There are no hugs. No soft looks of love.

Memories are what fill the days. Memories like when they were children or when their children were young. Memories of making lots of food with new recipes or old, the smells (candles these days can bring the smell of holidays without the work). But it is quiet. It is still on the outside. It is noisy on the inside where the memories are playing until the older lonely person falls to sleep dreaming of sugar plums dancing in their head. It is a day like all the others and tomorrow will be the same.

The biggest area of our biggest trauma is in our relationships. It begins at a very early age, actually while we are still in the womb. When talking with folks who are highly anxious, I ask them what they know about their pre-birth and birth experiences. Yeah, I know that's weird, but is it? I find 99.8% of the time, something has happened in vitro and never addressed after birth.

If it was never addressed during childhood, Jonice Webb Ph.D., in her book Running on Empty, determined that there is an absence in that life. The absence of emotional support. This absence makes it difficult if not impossible to accurately gauge emotional cues and actions within self or others.

This person brings this along with them into adulthood and into marriage. And marriage into the church. It is here that the church is full of people who have an absence of emotional support. I have discovered that as a general rule the church system tends to keep this in play by keeping folks attempting to please God through works supported by little faith. I know that has been true for me.

Here's how:
Without emotional support, there is little application or knowledge of God's Love and how that works. He is not a God that demands we come up to His standards so that He can love us. No! He loves us first. It's like that puppy found on the road and your heart goes out to the pitiful little thing. You take it home, feed it, love it, take care of it, and soon it is bouncing all around you delighted when you are in its presence. We are the same. God does this for us.

When we can't see God's love in His care for us, everything begins to be interpreted through the lens of "I'm not good enough. They don't want me here. I can't do this."

The two most important relationships are with God and your spouse. When no emotional support is seen, the road is wearisome. Perhaps this is why Jesus said, "Unless you come as a little child, you cannot see the Kingdom of Heaven." (Matthew 18:3-6). It is in effect, finding a way to acknowledge and see that God is that emotional support that is missing in life. He is not expecting you to be anything except what and who you are. He will work on you and provide you with opportunities to heal and grow long before He invites you to work.

Why not let Him do that today. Open your heart and mind and receive His emotional support and be filled today.

Trauma can impact our closest lives in relationships. AMP (Authentic Marriage Partnership) is ramping up Sunday, Sept 12 at Banner Church.

Betrayal is the secret that lies at the heart of every failing relationship—it is there even if the couple is unaware of it. If a husband always puts his career ahead of his relationship, that is betrayal. When a wife keeps breaking her promise to start a family, that is also betrayal. Pervasive coldness, selfishness, unfairness, and other destructive behaviors are also evidence of disloyalty and can lead to consequences as equally devastating as adultery. Gottman, What Makes Love Work p 91

It hit me yesterday as I was praying for the people God takes care of that so far not one single person has come to me and said:

“My life is perfect! I need solutions to find what is wrong!”

No... they come looking for answers and solutions to the things causing them pain. And so much pain is so much that the real problem is trying to avoid the pain.

I remember when I was a kid and got a huge (really about 2 inches long) splinter in my foot and my mom (a nurse) cut it out. The part that caused the most pain was knowing I had to endure the pain of getting the splinter out. It didn’t hurt going in!!

Much pain is like that splinter. We do or have done to us things that may not hurt immediately but cause long term “infections” in our lives because there is not a determined nurse around to cut a splinter out.

Healing from the inside out...

Henry Nouwen said:
You must decide for yourself to whom and when you give access to your interior life. For years you have permitted others to walk in and out of your life according to their needs and desires. Thus you were no longer master in your own house, and you felt increasingly used. So, too, you quickly became tired, irritated, angry, and resentful.
Think of a medieval castle surrounded by a moat. The drawbridge is the only access to the interior of the castle. The lord of the castle must have the power to decide when to draw the bridge and when to let it down. Without such power, he can become the victim of enemies, strangers, and wanderers. He will never feel at peace in his own castle.
It is important for you to control your own drawbridge. There must be times when you keep your bridge drawn and have the opportunity to be alone or only with those to whom you feel close. Never allow yourself to become public property, where anyone can walk in and out at will. You might think that you are being generous in giving access to anyone who wants to enter or leave, but you will soon find yourself losing your soul.
When you claim for yourself the power over your drawbridge, you will discover new joy and peace in your heart and find yourself able to share that joy and peace with others.
__________
Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom (New York: Image Books Doubleday, 1998), 84-85.

Dead end trails and box canyons.
This year has felt like wandering around in a veritable wasteland or wilderness. Much movement has been made trying to find a way through, around, between or over.
Seems like much energy and activity has been spent trying to navigate without aid of compass or moss growing on the north side of trees. Some navigation has been tried on cloudy nights where the North Star cannot be seen. Some in absolute darkness and some in scorching light.
But most trails ended up in box canyons as dead end trails either facing cliffs or at the edge of precipice. No trails have been smooth or easy.
There has been only small rewards in advancement and provisions. Lots of waiting. Lots of longing. Lots of prayer. Lots of hunger. Lots of lost.
But what has been discovered? I have felt like an early explorer, blissfully ignorant of what lies ahead, but adapting at every turn. I have encountered danger, anticipation, and disappointment.
So what is it about box canyons, cliffs in the wilderness and the wildness of the unknown.
Maybe it’s the personal challenge of meeting the unknown with faith. Maybe it’s testing the boundaries of trust. Maybe it’s ever relying on the love of God, so established, that caught in the snare of a box canyon or up against a towering precipice that finds the way of escape and safety.
Whatever this year has kept hidden, whatever it has driven, whatever it has sent to ensnare, the year has provided ample opportunities of skill development and training.
Coming to the end of this year I want you have to look back on. Do you see all the obstacles and victories. What have you learned? What have you gained? What have you lost or left behind? Where are you today?

Blessings upon your trails...

What do you do when you are unfairly criticized?

It happens around us, it happens to us, sometimes it may even come from us.

My natural inclination is to challenge unfair criticism, yet is that God’s best for me? What do I do with what He says in Romans 12:19-“do not avenge yourselves...” or Luke 6:28- “bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you...”

If I can stand the pressure of both the critism and not doing anything about it myself, can I trust God to use His greater vision and purpose to work things out?

If I pray in this situation I want to ask God to avenge me. What if He wants me to notice how I respond to the pressure of pride? No, I pray for humbleness and mercy. I would feel a whole lot worse if I was the one who said something unfair and pride would not allow me to apologize. Then I stand before God as the guilty one.

Far better to get out of the way and let God work on me in the situation. And let Him work on the one who speaks the unfair words. After all, ultimately they answer to Him not me.

Lean into Him in your various trials...He is...the Way

2 Corinthians 5:17 is a familiar verse in which Paul says behold the old is gone and the new come so we are new creations in Christ.

I got to thinking about that this morning in light of the idea, “can I tell in myself where the new has come?”

I wondered if as a people we tend to live in hope of being a new creation instead of embracing the new and allowing it to spread over and within our lives.

Where I am walking in newness of life? Shouldn’t it be shining in a way that I notice and others do as well? Where words out of my mouth were harsh now soft and kind? Where the motivations of my heart self centered and shallow now wholistic and healing? Where my actions quick now slow and purposeful?

Tozer recently made the statement on his page that 95% of what we do as a church would continue as it is even if the Holy Spirit were no longer working on our behalf.

From a counseling perspective this got me thinking about why people come to counseling and why people resist change even when they want change.

I have noticed that beyond public speaking or skydiving or bull riding perhaps the greatest fear we face is fear of looking within: self introspection.

Why is that? Could it be that looking within means we have to let go of some tightly held beliefs such as “it’s somebody else’s fault.” Could it be it means allowing someone else (God, counselor, pastor, teacher, parent) to look at the things we don’t want anyone else to see? Could it be we are afraid to look within because we instinctively perceive the darkness that might be lurking there?

Psalm 139 has David looking within with God at hand. He recognized that God knows him better than he knows himself and is in awe of that. The psalm ends with David asking God to make sure keeps inspecting his life so that his life is a praise of the Most High.

According to Pink, what we think motivates us... the old carrot on a stick just is not what motivates us....

But in some sense, the engine of commerce has been fueled equally by carrots and sticks. The Motivation 2.0 operating system has endured for a very long time. (What Pink uses as a metaphor) Indeed, it is so deeply embedded in our lives that most of us scarcely recognize that it exists. For as long as any of us can remember, we’ve configured our organizations and constructed our lives around its bedrock assumption: The way to improve performance, increase productivity, and encourage excellence is to reward the good and punish the bad.
-Pink, Drive:The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us.

Do you find yourself at times at a cross roads? How do you decide on which way to go? Do you have a process like mind mapping or do you pick the one that seems the most inviting?

Might I suggest mind mapping or decision trees?

Here is a really cool mind map from Paul Forman. Mindmapinspiration.com/five silences

https://pin.it/5SxHvsH

Found this on Pinterest Discover even more ideas for you

My next to the last semester is coming to a close and the possibility of coming back together as a group is coming up.

I’m the mean time...I’ve been thinking about what holds us steady in the middle of all of the uncertainty. I’ve been thinking about faith.

Jesus is Light. John 8:12
Jesus is and was The Beginning and as such is Creation. Colossians 1:18

So I’m thinking faith has to do with creation and light.

Jesus also said He is our bread John 6 and our living water. John 4:10

All of which leads me to think the combination of light and bread and water with creative force is the life I live IN Him.

Faith is a dynamic word. It is filled with belief and is the life force of that belief. It is recognition of what and who Jesus is in our life.

It is this faith that empowers us at this time. Keep on “faithing!”

Is what you are going through an end or a beginning?

Yeeeee haw! The video from last week finally uploaded... 4 times!!!!