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Rare Mutation Allows Bajau People To Stay Underwater For 2 Minutes
Researchers found that the Bajau people—residents of the Philippines and Malaysia renowned for their free-diving abilities—inherited their breath-holding capacities genetically through enlarged spleens. What do you think?�!Read more...

Rare Mutation Allows Bajau People To Stay Underwater For 2 Minutes Researchers found that the Bajau people—residents of the Philippines and Malaysia renowned for their free-diving abilities—inherited their breath-holding capacities genetically through enlarged spleens. What do you think?

Confused Mueller Reminds Nation Russia Investigation Wrapped Up Months Ago
WASHINGTON—Taking a moment from his now-mundane life to address any lingering uncertainty about the outcome of the highly publicized legal ordeal, a confused Robert Mueller was forced to remind the nation Monday that the Russia Investigation wrapped up months ago. “Wait, doesn’t anyone remember? We arrested a bunch of…Read more...

Confused Mueller Reminds Nation Russia Investigation Wrapped Up Months Ago WASHINGTON—Taking a moment from his now-mundane life to address any lingering uncertainty about the outcome of the highly publicized legal ordeal, a confused Robert Mueller was forced to remind the nation Monday that the Russia Investigation wrapped up months ago. “Wait, doesn’t anyone remembe...

Hillshire Farms Releases Circumcised Bratwurst
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Hillshire Farm Releases Circumcised Bratwurst America’s Finest News Source

Scientists Theorize What Earliest Dinosaur Researchers May Have Looked Like
BERKELEY, CA—Flexing their imaginations to the limit in an attempt to conceive how the majestic creatures may have lived all those centuries ago, scientists at University of California, Berkeley met Friday to theorize about what the first dinosaur researchers may have looked like. “Of course we can’t create an exact…Read more...

Scientists Theorize What Earliest Dinosaur Researchers May Have Looked Like BERKELEY, CA—Flexing their imaginations to the limit in an attempt to conceive how the majestic creatures may have lived all those centuries ago, scientists at University of California, Berkeley met Friday to theorize about what the first dinosaur researchers may have looked like. “Of course we ...

Taking Responsibility: Mark Zuckerberg Has Announced That Any Articles Posted On Facebook Will Now Go Through Strict Vetting To Make Sure They Align With The Company’s Tireless Commitment To Generating Massive Amounts Of Revenue
Mark Zuckerberg faced enormous public backlash this week after he defended Holocaust deniers’ right to disseminate their views on Facebook, but this morning he stepped up to allay Facebook users’ concerns in a big way: Zuckerberg announced that from now on, Facebook will rigorously vet the articles posted on its site…Read more...

Taking Responsibility: Mark Zuckerberg Has Announced That Any Articles Posted On Facebook Will Now Go Through Strict Vetting To Make Sure They Align With The Company’s Tireless Commitment To Generating Massive Amounts Of Revenue Mark Zuckerberg faced enormous public backlash this week after he defended Holocaust deniers’ right to disseminate their views on Facebook, but this morning he stepped up to allay Facebook users’ concerns in a big way: Zuckerberg announced that from now on, Facebook will rigorously vet the artic...

‘My Parents Hit Me,’ Says Bored 8-Year-Old Trying To Get Reaction From Dinner Party Guests
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‘My Parents Hit Me,’ Says Bored 8-Year-Old Trying To Get Reaction From Dinner Party Guests The Onion – America's Finest News Source

World's Oldest Bread Found At Prehistoric Site In Jordan
Charred remains of a flatbread baked 14,500 years ago were found in the Eastern Mediterranean, revealing it was made thousands of years before humans began farming. What do you think?Read more...

World's Oldest Bread Found At Prehistoric Site In Jordan Charred remains of a flatbread baked 14,500 years ago were found in the Eastern Mediterranean, revealing it was made thousands of years before humans began farming. What do you think?

Senate Passes Bipartisan Resolution Preventing Themselves From Stopping Trump
WASHINGTON—In a sharp rebuke of the President’s failure to denounce Russia for interfering in the 2016 election, the Senate passed a bipartisan resolution Friday preventing themselves from stopping Trump. “Today, in service to the American people, we set aside our differences and reached across the aisle to send…Read more...

Senate Passes Bipartisan Resolution Preventing Themselves From Stopping Trump WASHINGTON—In a sharp rebuke of the President’s failure to denounce Russia for interfering in the 2016 election, the Senate passed a bipartisan resolution Friday preventing themselves from stopping Trump. “Today, in service to the American people, we set aside our differences and reached acros...

The Onion Reviews ‘Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again’
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The Onion Reviews ‘Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again’ The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Drowning Is The Number Two Cause Of Death For Young Children. Here’s How To Make It Number One.
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Drowning Is The Number Two Cause Of Death For Young Children. Here’s How To Make It Number One. America’s Finest News Source

Peyton Manning’s Wife Quietly Asks How Much Longer Papa John Going To Crash On Their Couch
INDIANAPOLIS—Frustrated by the heaps of soiled red polo shirts accumulating in her living room, Peyton Manning’s wife quietly asked Friday how much longer disgraced fast-food mogul and pitchman “Papa” John Schnatter would be crashing on their couch. “Honey, I didn’t mind when you said it would be a couple of nights,…Read more...

Peyton Manning’s Wife Quietly Asks How Much Longer Papa John Going To Crash On Their Couch INDIANAPOLIS—Frustrated by the heaps of soiled red polo shirts accumulating in her living room, Peyton Manning’s wife quietly asked Friday how much longer disgraced fast-food mogul and pitchman “Papa” John Schnatter would be crashing on their couch. “Honey, I didn’t mind when you said it...

Comic-Con Fan Guesses He Enjoyed 60-Minute Panel Of Silently Ma********ng Alan Moore Practicing S*x Magic
SAN DIEGO—Reflecting while exiting the packed Indigo Ballroom, local Comic-Con attendee Matt Donnelly told reporters Friday that he guessed he enjoyed the 60-minute panel wherein comic-book writer Alan Moore silently masturbated and performed s*x magic rituals. “Honestly, I was kind of hoping he’d talk about creating …Read more...

Comic-Con Fan Guesses He Enjoyed 60-Minute Panel Of Silently Ma********ng Alan Moore Practicing S*x Magic SAN DIEGO—Reflecting while exiting the packed Indigo Ballroom, local Comic-Con attendee Matt Donnelly told reporters Friday that he guessed he enjoyed the 60-minute panel wherein comic-book writer Alan Moore silently masturbated and performed s*x magic rituals. “Honestly, I was kind of hoping he...

Dozens Of White Houses Materialize From Temporal Vortex As Trump’s Changing Account Of Putin Meeting Tears Apart Space-Time
WASHINGTON—Revealing that the physical world could no longer bear the weight of numerous contradictory realities, sources confirmed Friday that dozens of Whites Houses have begun to leak from a temporal vortex as President Trump’s rapidly changing story of meeting Putin tears apart space-time. “A White House is…Read more...

Dozens Of White Houses Materialize From Temporal Vortex As Trump’s Changing Account Of Putin Meeting Tears Apart Space-Time WASHINGTON—Revealing that the physical world could no longer bear the weight of numerous contradictory realities, sources confirmed Friday that dozens of Whites Houses have begun to leak from a temporal vortex as President Trump’s rapidly changing story of meeting Putin tears apart space-time. ....

Real-Life Black Widow? Sure, You Nerds Will Eat That Up. This Captured Russian Spy Is Real-Life Black Widow
Maria Butina, a 29-year-old Russian woman living in Washington D.C., has been arrested by U.S. authorities and charged with being an illegal foreign agent. She infiltrated the GOP with a complex intelligence operation orchestrated by the Russian government, but the main thing you nerds have to know is that she’s…Read more...

Real-Life Black Widow? Sure, You Nerds Will Eat That Up. This Captured Russian Spy Is Real-Life Black Widow Maria Butina, a 29-year-old Russian woman living in Washington D.C., has been arrested by U.S. authorities and charged with being an illegal foreign agent. She infiltrated the GOP with a complex intelligence operation orchestrated by the Russian government, but the main thing you nerds have to know....

Flight Attendant Demonstrates Proper Technique For Eating Fellow Passenger In Event Of Crash
ATLANTA—As an audio recording provided clear instructions on the procedure during pre-flight safety announcements, a flight attendant for Delta Airlines reportedly walked down the aisle of flight 9143 to London Friday demonstrating the correct way to consume one’s fellow passengers following a crash. “In the unlikely…Read more...

Flight Attendant Demonstrates Proper Technique For Eating Fellow Passenger In Event Of Crash ATLANTA—As an audio recording provided clear instructions on the procedure during pre-flight safety announcements, a flight attendant for Delta Airlines reportedly walked down the aisle of flight 9143 to London Friday demonstrating the correct way to consume one’s fellow passengers following a c...

WHO Eliminates Blindness-Causing Trachoma In Seven Countries
The World Health Organization declared a major milestone after eliminating trachoma, a debilitating disease that causes blindness in sufferers, in seven countries, and making significant inroads in others. What do you think?Read more...

WHO Eliminates Blindness-Causing Trachoma In Seven Countries The World Health Organization declared a major milestone after eliminating trachoma, a debilitating disease that causes blindness in sufferers, in seven countries, and making significant inroads in others. What do you think?

Maria Butina Slips Away After Binding Half-Naked, Blindfolded Robert Mueller To Bed
ARLINGTON, VA—Quietly climbing out from under the sheets and sliding on a trench coat, accused Russian agent Maria Butina slipped away Friday after binding the wrists of a half-naked, blindfolded Robert Mueller to a bed frame with silk scarves. “I’m sorry to duck out like this, but I’m running late for an important…Read more...

Maria Butina Slips Away After Binding Half-Naked, Blindfolded Robert Mueller To Bed ARLINGTON, VA—Quietly climbing out from under the sheets and sliding on a trench coat, accused Russian agent Maria Butina slipped away Friday after binding the wrists of a half-naked, blindfolded Robert Mueller to a bed frame with silk scarves. “I’m sorry to duck out like this, but I’m runni...

Homeless Man Has Nice Summer Tan Going
COLUMBUS, OH—Marveling at the bronzed perfection of the figure lounging in Goodale Park, sources confirmed Friday that homeless man Eddie Kowalcek had a really nice summer tan going. “Wow, that guy just looks incredible,” said Spencer Dawson, 26, adding that the evenly tanned homeless schizophrenic must have spent…Read more...

Homeless Man Has Nice Summer Tan Going COLUMBUS, OH—Marveling at the bronzed perfection of the figure lounging in Goodale Park, sources confirmed Friday that homeless man Eddie Kowalcek had a really nice summer tan going. “Wow, that guy just looks incredible,” said Spencer Dawson, 26, adding that the evenly tanned homeless schizoph...

Promotion Offers Fans Free Pizza If Phillies Don't Blow Any Easy Plays In 5th Inning
PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to boost attendance and reward fan’s patience with the young, error-prone ballclub, the Philadelphia Phillies announced a new promotion Friday offering fans free pizza if the team doesn’t blow any easy on plays while on defense in the top of the 5th inning. “We’re excited to offer our…Read more...

Promotion Offers Fans Free Pizza If Phillies Don't Blow Any Easy Plays In 5th Inning PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to boost attendance and reward fan’s patience with the young, error-prone ballclub, the Philadelphia Phillies announced a new promotion Friday offering fans free pizza if the team doesn’t blow any easy on plays while on defense in the top of the 5th inning. “We’re...

Trump Backtracks On Siding With Russia Over U.S. Intelligence Community, Saying He Misspoke
Facing bipartisan pushback for the recent statement, President Trump now says he misspoke and meant to say he saw “no reason why it wouldn’t be” Russia who interfered in the 2016 election, rather than “would be.” What do you think?Read more...

Trump Backtracks On Siding With Russia Over U.S. Intelligence Community, Saying He Misspoke Facing bipartisan pushback for the recent statement, President Trump now says he misspoke and meant to say he saw “no reason why it wouldn’t be” Russia who interfered in the 2016 election, rather than “would be.” What do you think?

Black Man At Walgreens Impressed By How Attentively Employees Tailing Him
PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would not have been able to shake the eagle-eyed clerks even if he had wanted to, local black man Mike Chambers confirmed Thursday he was pretty impressed by how attentively Walgreens employees were tailing him. “Usually when I’m in a store, the cashiers just watch me from a distance while…Read more...

Black Man At Walgreens Impressed By How Attentively Employees Tailing Him PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would not have been able to shake the eagle-eyed clerks even if he had wanted to, local black man Mike Chambers confirmed Thursday he was pretty impressed by how attentively Walgreens employees were tailing him. “Usually when I’m in a store, the cashiers just watch me fr...

Report: There Must Be Some Trick To Unfolding Table Legs
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Report: There Must Be Some Trick To Unfolding Table Legs The Onion – America's Finest News Source

CNN Anchors Speechless After Guest Goes On Long, Coherent Thought
NEW YORK—CNN Anchors Brooke Baldwin and Dana Bash reportedly sat speechless Thursday after their guest Dr. Gina Jimenez went on a long, coherent thought, unleashing a tirade of articulate points completely relevant to the topic at hand. “Dr. Jimenez, if I could just quickly interrupt you for a moment—could you please…Read more...

CNN Anchors Speechless After Guest Goes On Long, Coherent Thought NEW YORK—CNN Anchors Brooke Baldwin and Dana Bash reportedly sat speechless Thursday after their guest Dr. Gina Jimenez went on a long, coherent thought, unleashing a tirade of articulate points completely relevant to the topic at hand. “Dr. Jimenez, if I could just quickly interrupt you for a m...

Facebook Apologizes For Giving Mark Zuckerberg A Platform
MENLO PARK, CA—In response to criticism about the social network’s failure to address the spread of falsehoods and offensive content on its site, Facebook apologized Thursday for giving Mark Zuckerberg a platform. “Lies and harassment have absolutely no place on Facebook, and we want to express our deep regret at…Read more...

Facebook Apologizes For Giving Mark Zuckerberg A Platform MENLO PARK, CA—In response to criticism about the social network’s failure to address the spread of falsehoods and offensive content on its site, Facebook apologized Thursday for giving Mark Zuckerberg a platform. “Lies and harassment have absolutely no place on Facebook, and we want to expres...

Chance The Rapper Clarifies He From Chicago
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Chance The Rapper Clarifies He From Chicago The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Man Unsure Whether To Tip Bathroom Attendant Just For Wiping His Ass
NORFOLK, VA—Saying that the task is the sort of thing he usually prefers to do himself, restaurant customer Ryan Brooks admitted Thursday that he was unsure if he should tip the attendant in the bathroom of Norfolk’s Old Town Steakhouse simply for wiping his ass. “Not to belittle the guy’s job, but all he did was rip…Read more...

Man Unsure Whether To Tip Bathroom Attendant Just For Wiping His Ass NORFOLK, VA—Saying that the task is the sort of thing he usually prefers to do himself, restaurant customer Ryan Brooks admitted Thursday that he was unsure if he should tip the attendant in the bathroom of Norfolk’s Old Town Steakhouse simply for wiping his ass. “Not to belittle the guy’s j...

FDA Defends Decision To Reclassify Alternative Milks As ‘Nut Sweat’
SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Addressing concerns that the naming practice could unfairly bias consumers against the products, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a statement Thursday strongly defending the decision to reclassify alternative milks as “nut sweat.” “While we hope this new labeling helps clarify shopping…Read more...

FDA Defends Decision To Reclassify Alternative Milks As ‘Nut Sweat’ SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Addressing concerns that the naming practice could unfairly bias consumers against the products, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a statement Thursday strongly defending the decision to reclassify alternative milks as “nut sweat.” “While we hope this new labeli...

This List Of Kids Holding Up Signs Saying That StarKist Tuna Gives Them The Energy They Need To Bully Their Classmates Will Only Come Down If StarKist Pays Us $90 Million
Listen up, StarKist, things in the digital media industry have become pretty dire, and unfortunately ClickHole needs to resort to desperate measures to stay afloat. We hate to do this to you, but we’ve got a whole bunch of pictures of kids claiming that your canned tuna gives them the energy they need to bully their…Read more...

This List Of Kids Holding Up Signs Saying That StarKist Tuna Gives Them The Energy They Need To Bully Their Classmates Will Only Come Down If StarKist Pays Us $90 Million Listen up, StarKist, things in the digital media industry have become pretty dire, and unfortunately ClickHole needs to resort to desperate measures to stay afloat. We hate to do this to you, but we’ve got a whole bunch of pictures of kids claiming that your canned tuna gives them the energy they ...

Paralyzed Man Determined To Still Live Normal Sedentary Life
NORTH HAMPTON, MA—Saying that he wouldn’t let his disability define him, recently paralyzed man Matthew Sabourne told reporters Thursday he was determined to maintain his normal sedentary lifestyle despite his new physical challenges. “I caught a tough break with the accident, but I’ll be damned if I let this injury…Read more...

Paralyzed Man Determined To Still Live Normal Sedentary Life NORTH HAMPTON, MA—Saying that he wouldn’t let his disability define him, recently paralyzed man Matthew Sabourne told reporters Thursday he was determined to maintain his normal sedentary lifestyle despite his new physical challenges. “I caught a tough break with the accident, but I’ll be da...

Comic-Con 2018 Kicks Off
Comic-Con, the nation’s premier comics convention, kicks off this year’s iteration with previews of The Predator, Doctor Who, and the new slate of DC comic book movies. What do you think?Read more...

Comic-Con 2018 Kicks Off Comic-Con, the nation’s premier comics convention, kicks off this year’s iteration with previews of The Predator, Doctor Who, and the new slate of DC comic book movies. What do you think?

Summer Camp Hierarchy Thrown Into Chaos After Second Girl Learns How To French Braid
ELIZAVILLE, NY—Speculating as to whether or not the social order could ever regain its stability, witnesses confirmed Thursday that the established interpersonal hierarchy at Camp Eagle Hill had been thrown into turmoil by the emergence of a second girl with practical knowledge of the French braid. “This is completely…Read more...

Summer Camp Hierarchy Thrown Into Chaos After Second Girl Learns How To French Braid ELIZAVILLE, NY—Speculating as to whether or not the social order could ever regain its stability, witnesses confirmed Thursday that the established interpersonal hierarchy at Camp Eagle Hill had been thrown into turmoil by the emergence of a second girl with practical knowledge of the French braid...

Retired Couple Realizes Dream Of Buying Camper, Driving Around Country Murdering Hitchhikers
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Retired Couple Realizes Dream Of Buying Camper, Driving Around Country Murdering Hitchhikers The Onion – America's Finest News Source

Scientists Bring Dying Organs Back To Life
Researchers have discovered they can restore organ cells to life by injecting them with mitochondria in a method that they have already used to help human infants with heart defects. What do you think?Read more...

Scientists Bring Dying Organs Back To Life Researchers have discovered they can restore organ cells to life by injecting them with mitochondria in a method that they have already used to help human infants with heart defects. What do you think?

New Aphasia Study Finds Empty Fullness Brokered Yellow Ideas Happily
SAN FRANCISCO—Signaling a major breakthrough in the field of round electric pungent brick merriment, a new aphasia study released by the University of California, San Francisco’s Department of Integrative Neuroscience Wednesday found that empty fullness brokered yellow ideas happily. “After carefully examining the…Read more...

New Aphasia Study Finds Empty Fullness Brokered Yellow Ideas Happily SAN FRANCISCO—Signaling a major breakthrough in the field of round electric pungent brick merriment, a new aphasia study released by the University of California, San Francisco’s Department of Integrative Neuroscience Wednesday found that empty fullness brokered yellow ideas happily. “After ca...

The Road Worrier
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The Road Worrier America’s Finest News Source