Prayers for Jesse's Healing
My wife and I welcomed our first son Jesse Wyatt Schrock into this world on 6-19-20 He has severe pulmonary hypertension.
We’re praying that God would heal our son but we know that He knows best ��
07/02/2024
🙏❤
06/02/2024
The grief has just been worse, more painful, the past few days. I don't really know why but it just has been. Well, this morning as I was going about my work, some reason it just hit me that it was around this time 3 years ago that Jesse got so sick right before we was supposed to go home and we were scared we were going to lose him. Well I got on FB in my memories and was looking and it was exactly 3 years ago today. I remember that fear like it was yesterday. His Ph was 7.01 that morning and CO2 was 79 and climbing, we were struggling to keep his blood pressure up on multiple pressure and the doctors were telling us he was in septic shock. It ended up not being septic shock, the doctors couldn't ever really tell us for sure what happened. That was Jesse for you tho. 🤦♀️❤ Always keeping us on our toes.
Anyway, maybe its related to why its been so hard recently....who knows. 🤷♀️ I just want to hold him again. One more time.
-Mama
18/01/2024
Carrie Ann Luker 😆🥵
Seriously the truth 😂
13/10/2023
I feel this SO much!! Some things I was able to change pretty quickly. But there are many things that I can't let go of yet.
*His stroller still sits in the corner of our room. I know we should donate it to another family and one day I feel sure we will, but for now, I'm just not ready.
*I always had a basket of "Jesse" things at church just in case i forgot something- eye ointment, a z-flo pillow, an assortment of syringes, germ-x, etc. Its still there today.
*His syringes of meds we had pulled up, still sit in the top shelf of our fridge door.
*For almost a year, a cap for an inline suction laid on our bathroom floor, tucked away under the edge of the sink. It was still there when he passed from the last time he had gotten a bath in the bathtub. He had a terribly dirty diaper and had smeared it all over all of his lines, circuits, tubes and everything. I had to replace EVERYTHING and apparently when I swapped out his suction, I had dropped the cap on the floor. Every time I cleaned my bathroom after he passed, I would just move it to sweep or vacuum and put it back. It just brought me a small amount of comfort seeing it there. Just a few weeks ago I noticed it was missing and honestly -as ridiculous as it sounds- that small thing made my heart ache so bad. I still don't know what happened to it.
*His little "fancy" fishtank still sits on our dresser, running 24/7. I dread the day it dies.
I wasn't exactly sure why I struggled so bad with these things but I think she summed it up beautifully. Putting things away or getting rid of them right now just feels too lonely. I can tell I'm closer to ready than I was a year ago but I'm still not there just yet. One day.. just not today.
TikTok · Poppy&Kaylee 219.2K likes, 4057 comments. “Replying to I have to meet myself in the middle”
Happy Sons Day to the bravest, sweetest, most precious son I could have ever asked for. Love you!
25/09/2023
This evening I pulled out my vacation list tablet (if you know me that makes sense😆) in preparation to go to a family reunion next weekend. As I was paging through, I saw these lists I made when we went on vacation last April and was flooded with different emotions.
-Gratefulness that we were able to take this trip & have these memories
-Grief that we were never able to take him to this family reunion. We really wanted to the only year he was home but he had just gotten out of the hospital and was still trying to recover from a traumatic event. Honestly I think we all were.
-And another emotion that I don't know how to name but knowing that I would give almost anything to have to do that much planning and packing. The lists for just his medical supplies were longer than the lists for all of our clothes together. We had to make sure we didn't forget anything and had plenty of everything too, since we couldn't just buy his stuff if we forget or didn't have enough. We searched ahead of time to know the closest hospital for small issues and the closest childrens hospital for more serious issues. Researching them both and reading reviews. And it was absolutely worth every bit of work and stress. And I would love to be doing it again this week. 💔❤
18/09/2023
Happy 3rd Trachiversary my sweet, sweet boy.❤
When I heard the words tracheostomy tube for the first time, I felt sick.
I felt terrified.
I was angry.
And I was so sad.
I grieved for the life we had pictured with you. For the memories your daddy wouldn't get to make with you.
But you, my sweet baby, you taught me that it can also be a beautiful thing.
A miracle.
A blessing.
A way home.
An opportunity for priceless bonding time.
A chance to make precious memories, however different they may have been from what we had imagined.
A chance for you to meet your sisters.
A chance for you to play with all the balloons.
A thousand more kisses and cuddles.
A chance to love on you a little longer.
Love you forever and miss you always.
12/09/2023
Today is a weird day. Its our wedding anniversary. We've been happily married 8 years today. And that's something we usually celebrate. But today is also the anniversary of us laying our son to rest. And it always will be. It always will be a certain amount of shadow over the joy of our wedding anniversary. But we will still celebrate 🍾 because I know he wouldnt want us to stop living or to stop celebrating the blessings we have. But, I also believe that him and God both are gonna understand if we have moments of struggles today.
Balloon release for Jesse's 1st Angelversary
10/09/2023
1 year. A whole year of life without you. How are we supposed to be ok with that? I'm so thankful to be your Mama. I'm so thankful to know you are running and playing with all your friends up there and and chasing all the balloons. But I miss you so terribly much. Today I celebrate your life and the time we had with you. But I mourn your death and the time we've had to live without you.
-Mama
06/09/2023
Hey everyone.
This Saturday, Sept 9th, will be the 1st Anniversary of Jesse's Going Home Day. I like to call it his Angelversary- a term a learned from a dear friend who lost a daughter of her own.
It just still feels so unreal. All of it. That he's gone. That it has been a year (or almost). How is that even possible?
I find myself thinking of those last days and specifically that last day a lot right now. I dont particularly mean to- just the air, the weather, something about it all has it feeling like it all happened just a few days ago. I wake up in the morning and it feels like that first morning again- that first time that I woke up and remembered he was gone. I lay awake in the night, unable to sleep, and the stillness of the house, the quiet, the absence of his breathing, the lack of beeps and rattles resound so loudly in my heart. And that seems silly, right? So much time has passed. You would think I would be used to the lack of noise now.🤷♀️ I dont understand it, I only know how I feel.
Everything is a little harder these days. We would appreciate your prayers for Joseph, the girls, and I in the coming days and weeks.
*These pictures are digitally altered by an app to show what Jesse might would have looked like at different ages and if he had been able to stand. The last 5 are a little harder but I still can see him enough in them enough that I can imagine that may be what he looks like running through Heaven's glorious fields.❤
**Bianca helped me choose the pictures she thought looked most like him
11 months since you left us, little man. 😭😭😭 Mamas struggling to be ok without you.
Jesse's 3rd birthday was June 19th. I posted a little something on my personal page that day but not much and nothing here. I have just honestly really been struggling and its hard to put it all in words. I just can't fathom how it can be real that he isn't here.
Lord, I miss him so much since You called him home.
His birthday was an emotionally beautiful and draining day. We started the morning off by taking all of the toys and other donations from the Amazon Baby Registry to LeBonheur. We also took up some thank you cards and notes to all of our different teams and also team members that were so special to us. We came home and had a wonderful evening celebrating his life and mourning his death with our family and close friends.
Joseph and I and the 2 girls each released a balloon. We had everyone bring their favorite picture of Jesse and put it on a paper with a little note, for us to look through people's memories of him, their favorite things about him or whatever it may be. Most people brought balloons and so we had lots of balloons around. We visited, played a game, and sang 2 of Jesse's funeral songs. We laughed and we cried. And all of it was wonderful and hard.
Now we're quickly coming up on Jesse's first Angel Day, his first Going Home Day. In just one short month. And I just want time to stop. To think of not having held you for a whole year, of not having felt your head knocking against mine as I laid beside you, is to not breathe.
I wonder about so many things...how much you were aware of in those last hours? Did you realize what was happening? Were you scared? Did you feel mama and daddys arms around you? Did you hear us tell you how much we love you? Did you hear us tell you how brave and strong you were and that it was ok to let go?
Did we do right by you in your short life? Did we make the best decisions for you? Did we pour enough love into you? Did we spend enough time with you? Did we take you out ot experience the world enough?
Who would you be today? How much would you have changed over the last 11 months? How big would you be? Would you still love your balloons, Mickey Mouse, Thomas, and all of your other favorite things? Would you still laugh every time you heard your sisters laugh? Would you still be a rotten Mama's boy? (Of course). Would your eyes still light up when you saw your Daddy? Would you still look for me every time you heard my voice? I miss who you were and I miss who you would have been. Who you could have been.
You may be gone, sweet Jesse, but you will never be forgotten. I love you forever and always and to the moon and back!
10 months without you. Its been a really, really hard one. I am so, so thankful for the time we had and the smiles and laughs we got tho. You were such a joy, such a blessing, such a little ray of sunshine. I miss all of that so much. So, so much. You'll never be forgotten, my sweet baby boy.
11/06/2023
6/9/23 - 9 months without you. Your 3rd birthday is this month and the pain is just too much. I just can't understand why you had to go too soon. I'm so homesick for you.
🎶You're in a better place
I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times
I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken
The reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength
To make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now🎶
*Homesick - MercyMe
26/05/2023
😍😇😍😇
23/05/2023
Each person's emergency go-bag can look different. Here is just a brief glance at what one can look like. What is in your go bag?
10/05/2023
8 months yesterday of you running and playing like all the other kids. ❤ We miss you so much, turkey leg💙
09/04/2023
7 months without you here. It doesn't seem real. It still sometimes hits me again like it happened yesterday, that I'll never touch your face again this side of Heaven.
I got someone to paint these pictures of Jesse and I am absolutely in love!
❤Sunsets are proof that endings can be beautiful too.
❤They shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
29/03/2023
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10/03/2023
3/9/23-
6 months. 1/2 year. 1/2 year without you here. It feels like yesterday and it feels like eternity.
That day is stuck on replay. It's stuck on replay and every day I see that last day. Memories of you and all that happened in those last 24 hours flash through my mind. I seem to be unable to stop them but also unable to let them play through. They come upon me, the memories, unexpectedly and randomly, before I can stop them. But I can't let them play through. I can't let myself fully relive them. Its too painful. And so when one comes, I try to distract myself with something. Anything. And for a moment they will fade. But if I let my brain rest for a moment, before I know it they come back.
And I love to talk about you. To anyone. I love to hear your name and how you touched peoples' lives. It isn't remembering you that is too hard, its just remembering you leaving us.
I miss you so much, buddy! And sometimes I feel so lonely with you gone. I love you. Forever and Always.
-Mama
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