The Journey Home

The Chase.

She chased
Happiness
Friendships
Love from those unable to give it
Because they never learned to receive
Peace
Joy
Money
Importance
She sought after it all
Finding only emptiness
unfulfilled, exhausting relationships
Drained from commitments
Never meant for her to make
In attempts to find acceptance
From those who do not care
Distraught over pain
That went unhealed
Like an open wound on her heart and soul
For far too long
She chased it all
And still watched everything fall.
Falling down in desperation
Defeat is the story it told
Then she looked up at her Creator
As He began to shape and mold
Her into who she was destined to be
No chasing involved in this destiny
For she left the chase
And began to embrace
All that was hers
Each moment, a gift
To be redeemed with gratitude
Thanksgiving and love
Everything she was looking for
Everything that was meant for her
Everyone who was meant to be there
Became perfectly clear
In His great light
The pain bubbled up
And He washed it all away
Filling her with every gift
Including the gift,
The precious gift of today.

Praying for anyone who might need hope today. Praying you are overwhelmed with a HUGE piece of Hope in your heart today. That it overflows onto every aspect of your life, heart and soul. Sending you a big hug from my heart to yours.

What’s that??
Do you see it?
Can you feel it from within?

It’s flame has started to flicker
Grasping hold of us once again.

It’s welling up inside us.
After a long and bitter drought.

We thought it was completely lost.
But here it comes, there is no doubt.

Look up and keep your eyes fixed
Or you might miss what He’s bringing in...

It’s Hope!
And it’s alive and well!
Coming forth from within!

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” -Romans 15:13

It is easy and natural to share the parts that God has helped me to overcome in this life. However, the messy middle has been weighing heavily on my heart these days.

I do not want to skip sharing the messiness because quite often, this is where a huge message comes from.

It’s in the mess where our faith has the opportunity to grow. It’s in the not knowing what will happen when God longs for us to know Him more deeply.

So, what are we choosing FAITH over FEAR with today? What situation is weighing on your heart? What can you seemingly not “shake” from your mind?? What is causing sleepless nights, constant worry and fear and taking the joy right out of your life??

When we do ALL that we can, we can leave it in God’s hands. Let’s place “it” (whatever that is for each of us) back into our all knowing, all powerful and fully capable Creator’s hands today.

SHE ROSE

Out of the ashes scattered around her, she rose.
It wasn’t in one big celebratory moment, but rather in hundreds of small ones all stacked together.
Above the hurts, she rose.
Not in the a way one would imagine, as she soon realized the only way to rise above was to walk through them.
So moving through them is what she did.
The hurts, the secrets, the pain, the isolation, the fiery lies of the enemy.
And one by one she picked off the things meant to bind her.
Not rushing the process,
Only trusting His Process.
Hands unclenched.
Mind at ease.
Soul prepared for the work ahead.
Not dismayed by the destruction surrounding her,
Simply looking to the ONE and remembering who she belongs to!

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths.

A few things we can learn walking through hard seasons. If you are like me, sometimes I need to learn and relearn.

Rest when we are weary. When our hearts and minds become weary, our bodies soon follow. It’s okay to pause and rest. It’s okay to be exhausted. You and I are human. We can only find the kind of peaceful rest our souls long for in God.

Endurance. The kind that builds our faith, fosters patience and creates strength to persevere.

Surrendering our will to His.
Surrendering our ways and thoughts to His. Yes, even when we don’t understand.

I’m learning there is beauty in the ashes. There is peace within the pain. And there are things we may never have answered here on this earth, but within the questions, beneath the pain, faith is waiting. Waiting to be strengthened for our journey. 💙

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6:9

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Deuteronomy 31:8

Lord, please help me to fall more in love with you each day. My distractions are loud and weigh heavy on my soul. I need you to unveil the truth to my heart. Amen

“Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you.”
-Proverbs 4:25

I remember like it was yesterday. That little girl in sixth grade, walking down to the altar, asking Christ into her heart. Tears of sheer happiness and absolute joy flowing. Excitement at this new life in Christ!! I went to school the next day, and while opening our lockers, shared with my friend the special news. We hugged because she had also become a Christian recently too. The whole world was waiting and we were filled with hope for the future!!!
I had no idea what was ahead in my life. The storms I personally chose to walk through… And the storms thrown my way out of my control. I had no clue the trauma experienced and buried was going to one day bubble back to the surface, demanding attention. But God did. None of these things surprised him. None of these things shook him off his throne, or caused him to question life. He knew it all before it happened and had a plan to walk me through. He loved me in spite of my failures and mistakes. He loved me through the pain I didn’t ask for. And step by step, he guides the path to take.

Dear friend,
No matter what phase of this walk you are in today, I want to say this to you:

God has you now
God will have you then
He will guide your steps
Back to him
He will see you through
The pain you can’t erase
The trauma you didn’t choose
The mistakes you make
He sees them all
He will love you through each
His grace is enough
For you, he will always reach.

Hey friend, come with me into the future for just a moment…

It’s 30, 40, maybe 50 years from now. You are on your deathbed. Breathing is heavy and sporadic. You know death is imminent.

What are you thinking on? What are you wishing you had done? What are your thoughts?

Friend, trauma like the kind you have endured has a way of gripping its ugly hands around your throat. Squeezing the life out of your lungs. Ripping your heart into pieces.

Life is passing us by. Right now. Right at this very moment.

Where we focus matters.

Focusing on other peoples choices and decisions will destroy us. Why? Because we have ZERO control over what they did, or what they do now if they are still alive.

There is a really beautiful life out there waiting on each of us. Yes, the path towards it can feel daunting at times. Remember that both joy and sadness/grief can coexist. We do not have to choose one over the other.

What can we do? Get into therapy with a trained trauma therapist. Make a list of your people. You know the ones. The ones who love and support you. Give God a chance to show himself to you. This is truly the greatest decision of all. It determines our eternity.
Depression is a slippery slope with trauma survivors. We must stop the cycling in and out or we will spend the rest of our life spinning and getting nowhere.

You’ve got this.🩷

A reminder as we are ending this day…

No matter what we are facing, God is not finished, “it” is not over, and we can rest peacefully in his loving care tonight. I am praying for each of you. 💙

Our feelings as trauma survivors can sometimes cloud our judgment and block our spirits from recognizing God’s presence. Ever been there?? I can vividly recall many moments when my feelings told me God wasn’t anywhere close to me. That within all the abandonment I was experiencing from my own family, God had also left.

This feeling was a lie. The Bible says Christ will never leave nor forsake us. Is it possible I had slipped into depression and perhaps gotten off course? Had I been looking for validation from people unwilling to give it instead of looking to Christ for His validation, discernment, wisdom and comfort? I believe so.

So what can we do??

One thing that helps me is to look for something that shows God’s presence each day. (ie. A friend reached out, you got a good grade, a good job, a safe home to live in, birds singing, a sunrise or song).

Just focus on anything that’s a break and see if he is indeed close by. He’s there. We must look.🩷 I love you, friend.

“You are a disappointment…. You never finish anything you start.. A failure..You are nothing… Why do you always mess things up?? You are too old, and it’s way too late to start again… You had your chance… You are worthless.” Words like this can damage our spirits so deeply that it feels almost impossible to recover. Have you heard these type of things spoken to you or about you in your life?? Maybe it was someone else speaking into your life or maybe you have spoken them to yourself… I’ll admit it, I have been there. Struggling to find my “place” in a world where it seemed I would never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, just simply enough. Friend, these are lies, and we are hearing them, thinking about them for way too long, and eventually buying into them as truth over our lives. It’s time to stop listening to the lies and start replacing them with the truth. Last night a thought crossed my mind as I was at home alone; “One of the greatest tragedies in life is for us to not realize how worthy we truly are.” Wow. I feel like the Holy Spirit just popped down to my living room in that moment to whisper these words to my heart. Our value isn’t based on our ability to be perfect but in our Creator and who he says that we are. Isn’t that amazing news??! How do we start to see ourselves through the truth of God’s lens and get rid of the lies? The moment we begin to shift our focus onto truth based thoughts over our feelings, we start the process of healing and our lives change. It’s powerful, it’s beautiful and it’s so simple! One thing that I love to do is write out truth’s from God’s word onto index cards or post it notes and just place them all throughout our home. It’s a reminder throughout the day to focus on the truth and to hide it in our hearts. So what are some truths to start with when the lies come knocking on our door?? I love these and wanted to share with you:

You are a whole new person with a whole new life!! 2 Corinthians 5:17
God’s Spirit lives in You!! 1 Corinthians 6:19 (Now how in the world could you be worthless??? It’s IMPOSSIBLE!)
You have been completely forgiven!!1 John 1:9 (It’s washed away, it’s gone. Why allow whatever it is to keep coming back up into your life now? Walk in Freedom!)
You are God’s messenger to the world. Acts 1:8 (This one alone should tell you why you are being lied to. It’s an attempt to make you ineffective in this life. To keep you down so others who need you, will not hear what they need to hear)
You are greatly loved. Romans 5:8 (This is truth. This is real. It is not a love based on performance or abilities or anything other than His Grace extended freely to you. ❤
Lord, help us see ourselves and others through your eyes of grace. Help us to overcome the lies with your truth. Help us to see our worth simply as you see us. Whole. Free. Creative. Abundant. Help us walk into the life you designed for us to live in. In Jesus name, Amen.

Walking in His Grace with you,
Tanya

An open letter to my abuser:

If I could go back in time, with the strength and wisdom I now possess…

I’d demand to be heard.
I’d expose you until someone listened.
I’d have left sooner and never looked back.

You took so much from me. So much from life.

Tell me, what happened to you that created the person who did those things to me?

I cannot go back in time. That just isn’t how life works. You cannot go back either. You cannot undo what you did. I’m pretty sure there are times you wish you could. Or maybe that’s wishful thinking. While we can’t go back, there are things we both can do. Heal. I need it. You need it. And my greatest prayer is that you get right with God before it’s too late for you. God loves you and I’m working everyday toward forgiving and breaking the chains.

I’m headed somewhere you cannot go…

I’m packing light this time
And the burden of you must stay behind
I want to say it’s been a delight
To have you in my life
Yet the truth screams louder than the lie
I must confess,
You’ve given me nothing but stress
Anger, resentment,
Depression, distraught
This is everything you brought
So keep those things too
I won’t be needing that weight.

You can’t heal in the same environment that made you sick.

THE WAY

Journeying through
Coming back to you
With vision to see
On my way back to the true me

What was once broken and lost
Seeing it through
No matter the cost

Because you see
I’m on my way back
Back to me

The shattered way I feel
God is aligning me to heal

There’s confusion in my mind
Telling me I’m almost out of time
God is pausing
Slowing my breath
Calming my heartbeat
Reminding to take just one step

One step at a time
Is what I will do
Following through
Following you

Lord, you are my King
My Creator, and Savior

Healing the parts of me
That were lost in me

And with each step
Each breath, each moment I take
Realizing with you
I’m not going to break

But persevere
Survive
Overcome
In this life

And because use you’ve shown the way to me
I’ll share with others, for them to see

Clearly seeing, it isn’t about me
Never was, it’s about Thee!

Wondering why I was broken
Shattered
Abused

You longing to hold me
Uplift and Heal me from being used

When I gave way to you
Releasing the tight grip around my throat
The noose around my neck loosened
The chains, they all broke!

Standing before you now
Following as you lead the way
You’re never leave or forsake me
Your word teaches me, everyday

Seeing with new eyes
A veil, it’s being torn

Something more to this life
Feeling it within my very core!

Following you
Every step
Every day

Shine your light onto my life, Lord
To help others find their way.

Let us never, ever be afraid of finding our way back.💕

We mess up…..someone we trusted hurts us….we have a hurt (or many several hurts) that have cut so deep into our soul that we wonder if it’s possible to ever recover, to trust again, or to begin anew. Maybe it isn’t something that was done to us but rather something that we brought upon ourselves that has drifted us further and further away from God. Whatever it may be, the feeling is all the same. We feel lost. Not like lost but we have a road map or gps to find our way home again, but lost as in, no map, no gps, no direction whatsoever as to how to get out of this hole, this mess, this hurt.

Ever been there?

Maybe you are there now or you know someone who is going through something like this. I have been there too. So how do we find our way back to that place of peace, joy, contentment and happiness? Where is God during these times in our lives and how do we get to him when we feel nothing?

I believe there are a few things we must understand when in these moments.

First, our feelings are going to lie to us. Think about it….. If you are married, you love your spouse, right? But how many times have you just not felt like being loving? Lots of times, if we are honest. That’s because our feelings are not always based on facts. They are based on emotion and emotions change ALOT! So how do we find our way back to God when we cannot feel Him or His presence? I have found the best place to begin is by reading, memorizing, and claiming his promises to each of us.

When I do not feel close to God, it’s not because he moved, it’s because I moved.

Making time to read my bible and pray is essential in making my way back. We can trust that his words are true and always will be. We can count on them and we can claim them over our lives. I think sometimes we make finding Him harder than it really is. Here’s the cool thing about God, He is always there, always available to us and is just a whisper away.

And before you start thinking about all the wrong things you have done, let me just stop you right there and remind you that He has covered it ALL by his blood. There is absolutely nothing that can take away his love for you. You are not too far gone, too broken or what have you for Him.
He loves you.
He wants a relationship with you.
There’s no need to continue running because you don’t feel worthy. You are worthy. He said so, not me or anyone else. What about the things someone else has done that has hurt us? And even worse, what if it was someone from the church? Someone you considered a close friend? A family member? Someone who is a Christian? I know friend, it hurts. I have been there too. But please do not allow someone else who has hurt you to keep you away from His love, His peace, His joy, and the life He has waiting for you. That would be devastating. If we allow it to, that hurt will grow inside of us and keep us from living the life God has planned. Why in the world would we give someone that kind of power over our lives??? We mature when we forgive without the apology or acknowledgement. We are able to move forward and heal when we choose forgiveness. It is one of our greatest strengths.

I love this verse in Jeremiah 29:13 “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart”. It’s a promise that when we look into his words(the bible) and truly with an open heart seek Him, we will find Him. It’s one of life’s sweetest miracles. To find our way back from our hurts, our mistakes and to find our shelter and comfort in the Lord. One thing I love is that it doesn’t matter how many times we have fallen, he is always ready to take us back in.

My prayer for you and for me today is that we will humble ourselves and seek Him like we have never done before. That we will choose to forgive ourselves for our mistakes and we will choose to forgive others, not because they deserve it or they even care, but because we deserve to heal and move on to what God has planned for our lives. And that my friend, is a beautiful, beautiful thing. 💕

Lord I want to be still in your presence but the chaos consumes my mind.

I want you to fill me with your goodness but the world has me tied up in a bind.

I want to seek your will but I’ve been distracted by mine.

I want to pursue you wholly but I seem to always run out of time.

In these moments you pull me close and whisper to my heart, I love you my child we are never far apart.

You say, come to me now, I know you are weary. My love with strengthen you and prepare you for your journey.

I’ll quiet the noise of the outside world
I’ll pour my grace and love on you
As you begin to unfurl.

Take heart my child
Take up your cross
Your race is not finished
You’re no longer lost.

Hey, this is really important for you to read today. I’m so sorry they made you feel like you weren’t enough. I’m so sorry you were made to feel bad or responsible for their actions. I’m so sorry they turned away from you, hurt you, talked badly about you.
It’s super important for me to tell you this today:

You are enough.
In fact, you are so much more than that.
You are worthy
Significant
You are loved.
It shouldn’t have happened
And yet it did happen, didn’t it???

You are going to be just fine.
Better than fine.
You are going to persevere in spite of it all.
Deep breath, friend.

You are gonna be okay.
Hang in there, will you? 🩵🩷

Free At Last.

Swept away by the ego
Desires of worldly happiness
Illusions of what that meant
Trapped by the pursuit
For approval from others
Deceiving beliefs from the enemy
Chaos circling in the mind
The untamed desire for earthly gain
Met with the indescribable toll
It took onto her body and soul.
Only when she began to let go
To lose herself
Did she actually find life
And life to the full
For in Him and Him alone
Everything she ever needed and wanted
Was found by letting it all go
Clinging to Christ
Only in shedding her old self
And the ego that kept her prisoner
Did she become free at last.

Lots of things are walking around with the “Christianity title” that are as far away from Christianity as Satan himself. We gotta know more than the superficial to avoid being deceived.

Perspective. I had this word on my mind this morning and wrote a little in my journal.

Perspective.
More specifically, God’s perspective.
Sometimes we go through this life on earth and things just do not always make sense. Ever been there?? The question of “why” comes up more times than we can count.
Our struggles.
Our issues.
Failures.
Valleys.
Mountains we must climb.

All for what?

But then we are reminded that as we walk through this life, we are doing so with “limited sight”

We do not see everything as He does. But this will not always be the case.
One day, we will see it ALL from His perspective! It will all make sense!

But what do we do for now?

For now, we continue to walk in our limited sight BUT we grasp hold of our limitless God in whom we can trust with all of ourselves.

When we do this there’s a shift that happens here on earth within us. It allows Him to do the seemingly impossible in our lives. I guess that’s the point of it all, isn’t it? The whole walking by faith and not by sight journey we are on. There wouldn’t be miracles without it, would there?
Pretty cool.💙

“See, I am sending an angel before you to protect you on your journey and lead you safely to the place I have prepared for you. Pay close attention to him, and obey his instruction.” ~Exodus 23:20-21

If they wanted to, they would. Read this again, friend.💙

As long as we live, there will be a chance to make new decisions. Don’t ever think you are stuck, k? 💙

Prayer for the Full Armor of God:

“Put on” the Armor of God with this prayer based on Paul’s exhortation in Ephesians 6:10–18, using God’s Word, the sword of the Spirit, as we struggle, “not against flesh and blood, but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (v. 12).

Equip me, Lord:

1)With the belt of truth (v. 14). May your truth rule in my heart and be in my mind and on my lips today.

2)With the breastplate of righteousness (v. 14). Apart from You there is no righteousness, but through Jesus I have been “born again” and made righteous in Your sight. May I live as a righteous person.

3)With feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the Gospel of peace (v. 15). May I reflect the Gospel in my words and actions, that through me, with my every encounter, others may be drawn one step closer to You.

4)With the shield of faith (v.16). May I take You at Your word concerning promises about the present and future—promises of everlasting love, abundant life, and so much more.

5)With the helmet of salvation (v. 17). Remind me that nothing can separate me from Your love and that I’ve been saved by grace. In Your grace, help me to say “no” to all ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live a self-controlled, upright, and godly life (Titus 2:12,13).

6)And with the sword of the Spirit, the Word of God (v. 17). May Your Holy Spirit reign in my life and bring to my mind just the right Bible verses to be in my heart and on my lips. May I be “filled with the Spirit” and ready with Scripture as You were, Jesus, when the devil tempted You.

7)Finally, keep me in an attitude of prayer (v. 18). Remind me to “pray in the Spirit on all occasions.” Cause me to be alert and always praying for the saints; to be joyful and to give thanks in everything (see 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

When this type of loss is experienced due to abuse, the ramifications are complex, life altering and can easily destroy you without intervention.

First know that there is hope. Hope in Christ is the single place I have found to be able to fall and have security. He is my stability and he can be yours too.

Provide yourself with rest and all the simple things we need yet tend to forget during these times. Water, nutrients our body needs, being outdoors, a little exercise. Journal your thoughts. Get into therapy with a qualified therapist for your needs. As we work on healing and living in the light of truth, we can give the rest to Christ. He will work out the details. We cannot control what anyone else does. We can only choose what we will do. 💙

The fruit eventually shows the character of the tree.