Menopause, Anxiety, & Trauma

I always built barriers around my desk, Crickey, now I know why!!

Is your desk a mess, is your mind cluttered?

Is it time for a Spring clean of both?

So, I have just been in comms with someone talking about our desk space and it prompted me to talk about our little behaviours and habits when it comes to working at a desk.

When I worked in an office, I found that I used to build barriers around me with folders and boxes, I had to have my own desk, my own drawers and I hated hot desking because everyone else used them, often left them in a mess and they were very often empty with nothing on them, leaving me feeling exposed.

Now, it is true to say that I have inherited a little bit of OCD, which is getting worse as I get older and so I do have certain things that need to take place before I can start work at my desk at home these days.

I can my brother chuckling, because he is the same as me, his desk is immaculate!!

📌I like to clear my inbox, I have 4 accounts, so this can take a while if I don’t keep on top of it.
📌Everything in my inbox is flagged, pinned or filed in a folder, nothing lurking around without a purpose
📌I like to clear my desk so that it is tidy before I start work, I have an in tray with pending stuff on the top and accounts underneath and I have another stand up folder with all my studies in
📌 I like a coaster for my cup so I don't get ring marks on my desk, I despise dirty ring marks, tardy :)
📌I hated sitting back-to-back with someone or face to face, I liked a bit of space around me, bit of privacy I suppose and obviously working from home I now have this, so this makes me happy.
📌I used to leave a jacket or cardi on my chair so it looked like I had worked late or got in early, yeah crazy, who cares, but it was a childhood part that popped up to tell me I am hard working!!
📌When I was on the road working, I would stop off for lunch and type emails out that were delayed till later in the evening to show my boss how hard working I was........whaaaat! I know, seems crazy now
📌I like to match my paper desk diary and my phone to make sure I don’t forget anything, however I am midlife and menopausal, so I always do :)
📌I like to pin all my websites at the top of the page of google so that I don’t lose them, however, I still do sometimes, it's very annoying, because I often cant remember the name or where to find them......again menopausal!

I wonder what all this means, it must stem from my childhood, I need to get curious about why I built barriers and why I wanted people to see me as hard working.

The truth is I know what it is now.

I never got approval from the people I wanted it from and I felt like I always had to go over the top to prove my worth and the barriers is because I got abandoned and rejected so many times that I tried to protect myself.

I only found this out a few years ago, because we actually don't really know who we are, till we study ourselves and I have done this now, a few years of inner work completed and work in progress.

People often build barriers around their desks with folders and trays for a few reasons;

Firstly, it can help create a sense of privacy and focus in an open workspace. By physically separating their workspace from their colleagues, they can reduce visual distractions and interruptions, helping them to concentrate on their work.

Secondly, building barriers around their desks with folders and trays can also be a way to signal to others that they are busy or unavailable. By creating a physical barrier, they can discourage interruptions and reduce the likelihood of someone stopping by their desk for non-urgent matters.

Overall, building barriers around desks can be an effective way to increase productivity and create a sense of personal space in a shared workspace so that’s good to know, I do like to be productive.

So, it appears that a tidy workspace can do wonders for your productivity and mental clarity.

Take some time to declutter, organize, and prioritise your tasks.

You'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel!

Does anyone else have any habits or dislikes about hot desking, working in an office, or home?

Be really interesting to hear your thoughts.

I want to say just one thing today

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

Mental Health Week is a time to raise awareness about the importance of mental health and to promote strategies for maintaining good mental health. This year, Mental Health Week is particularly important for midlife women, who may be struggling with feelings of not being good enough.

Midlife can be a challenging time for many women. As they reach their 40s and 50s, they may be dealing with a range of issues, from menopause to empty nest syndrome to aging parents. These challenges can take a toll on mental health, leading to feelings of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.

One common issue that many midlife women struggle with is the feeling of not being good enough. They may feel like they haven't accomplished enough in their careers, they may feel like they haven't been the best parent or partner, or they may simply feel like they haven't lived up to their own expectations. These feelings can be debilitating, leading to a sense of hopelessness and despair.

If you are a midlife woman who is struggling with feelings of not being good enough, it's important to know that you are not alone. Many women experience these feelings at some point in their lives, and there are strategies you can use to cope.

First and foremost, it's important to take care of your mental health. This means making time for self-care activities like exercise, meditation, and spending time with loved ones. It also means seeking professional help if you need it. Therapy can be a powerful tool for working through feelings of low self-esteem and building resilience.

It's also important to challenge negative self-talk. When you catch yourself thinking things like "I'm not good enough" or "I haven't accomplished anything," try to reframe those thoughts in a more positive light. Focus on your strengths and accomplishments and remind yourself that everyone has setbacks and challenges.

Finally, it's important to connect with other women who are going through similar experiences. Joining a support group or participating in an online community can provide a sense of camaraderie and support that can be invaluable in coping with feelings of not being good enough.

In conclusion, Mental Health Week is an important time to focus on mental health, particularly for midlife women who may be struggling with feelings of not being good enough. By taking care of your mental health, challenging negative self-talk, and connecting with others, you can build resilience and overcome these challenges.

If you would like to join a private and safe community group to start focusing on your emotional mind, please do join my group

https://www.facebook.com/groups/whathappenedtoyou

(In order to keep the group private and safe you will need approval to get in.)

I am here for you, no shame and no judgement.

WOMENS HEALTH WEEK – MAY

Just recently I have been talking to so many women who are midlife, menopausal and who have started to recognize that they really do need to start making lifestyle changes.

I include myself in this.

I worked with my Somatic Trauma coach earlier this week who also touched on this subject and we talked about how we procrastinate and put off getting healthy and I don’t just mean exercise, I mean a healthy mindset too.

The reason so many of us put it off is because we are fearful of failure or we feel lethargic and tired because we don’t have boundaries in place and are trying to do too many things, which in turn makes you feel like you can’t be bothered but the truth is, once you start to make changes it makes you feel amazing.

There are so many studies at the moment that talk about making changes to our lifestyle, in particular gut health and interestingly hot and cold therapy for dementia.

We need to start listening up because, our NHS is overwhelmed and we need to start helping ourselves and get pro-active with self care.

I am reading a book currently by an oncologist who has claimed that for the first time in a long time, the next generation, may not outlive us, because of the poor lifestyle choices, that is crazy…..

📌It’s all because of lifestyle i.e. In the UK more than 70% of GP appointments are for chronic conditions.

📌£1.5billion is currently spent on medication for conditions that could be managed with healthy lifestyle interventions and we wonder why our NHS is in poor condition.

📌Cancer Research and Macmillan predict that one in two people will develop cancer in their life but that 40% could have been prevented with a healthier lifestyle, WOW! That is a wake up call.

📌The WHO have predicted that the number of people with dementia will sky rocket from 50 million to 82 million by 2030.

📌60-70% of people are overweight and obese, leading to chronic illnesses such as diabetes.

Obviously, some people have illnesses that cannot be related to lifestyle but we cannot ignore that type 2 diabetes, obesity and smoke related lung and heart disease are caused by poor lifestyle choices.

How can we complain about our GP’s not being able to see us and our hospitals not being able to accommodate us when it is up to us to change our lifestyle and help ourselves?

So no longer can we talk about making changes we have to make it happen.

Midlife, menopausal women, I’m talking to you, lots of studies show the benefits of living a healthier lifestyle, more movement, healthy diet, a positive mindset, all of these things can have a huge impact on your symptoms, but only you can make it happen.

So, tomorrow is Monday, what better day than to make a commitment to yourself to make these small changes.

What are you going to change?

I’m going to start drinking more water, hydrate myself, which I know will make me feel less hungry, small steps.

Our catch phrase this weekend with our friends has been

‘We didn’t get up to give up’…..

Women’s Health Week

First 5K walk of the weekend done, now time for a fresh crab sarni 😋

Reclaim Your Power: A Woman's Journey to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

FREE Webinar 1 June @ 7pm

You Won't Want To Miss This.......

How to recognise and accept that you may be living with a Narcissist.

It is common to hear the word narcissist being banded about and we watch reality programmes like MAFS and Love Island that show these behaviours and personalities in action, but would you know what behaviours to look for and would you know if you were living with a narcissist?

You see many women know something is not right in their relationship, they may even know their partner is controlling and unkind, but do they know how to handle the person, what to say or even better what not to say, what is that triggers a narcissist?

Here are some signs that you maybe living with a narcissist and let me tell you it may not be your partner, it can be one of your parents, a sibling, a best friend, or a work colleague.

📌 They focus on themselves, and they are maybe overt and cocky about it, or sneaky and covert and they will definitely manipulate you into giving them an excessive amount of attention

📌 They will be controlling, they will want your time, your attention and they will want things done their way, they will want to have power.

📌 They may try to isolate you from your friends and family by mental or physical forms of abuse, they will try to remove all your support systems, so you are reliant on them.

📌They absolutely will gaslight you at every opportunity leaving you feeling that everything is your fault, this is a very powerful tool that makes you doubt yourself.

📌Verbal abuse is also very common, and they use insults to knock your confidence, belittle and degrade you and you will start to question your own judgement.

📌Hoovering is a form of emotional blackmail to suck you back into another cycle of abuse, this will happen when they feel that they are starting to lose control.

📌Crossing boundaries and being compromised until you feel like you can’t make any independent choices or decisions. They may dictate what you wear and start stalking and tracking your whereabouts.

📌Criticism is something they hate, and they can turn nasty if you don’t agree with them. You in turn may find that you start to make excuses for them to friends and family.

📌Walking on eggshells, you will be doing this most of the time if you are around a narcissist, worrying about what you say and what you do because if it’s wrong they may yell at you in public or give you the silent treatment.

📌Narcissists start by love bombing you with lavish gifts and attention, once they are settled, they start taking it away, then they change and give it back and so the emotional circle continues, you may hate them one minute and then fall back in love with them the next. When they get fed up, they will move on to find a new supply, this may involve deceit and often cheating.

This is their profession; this is what they do.

Narcissists also, often have their own life trauma's to contend with, so it's important to understand why they are behaving like they do.

What can you do about it?

It can be very hard to break free from a narcissist and it does depend on where they are in your family and friends circle.

If you are not living with them, then you can take back control by controlling the exposure you have to them, make excuses to see them less often and when you do, manage the conversations, stay in control.

Living with a narcissist is different because it can be 24/7 and so harder to take back control and harder to live with.

You need get real and stop thinking that you can change the person, TRUTH BOMB, you can NEVER change a narcissist, but you can change your life, get proactive, set boundaries, and move on to someone who deserves to have you in their life.

If this is not what you want to do, you need to learn strategies on how to manage situations, how to get through to them, to get the best out of them, some people have mild or moderate tendencies and some are outright narcissists and you need to know about this.

There will be times when you think it’s you, you think you love them and can’t live with out them, there will be times when you hate them and want to leave, your emotions will be all over the place, you may not even recognise yourself anymore, this is what narcissists do to you.

I can teach you how to reclaim your power either move on, or learn to manage their behaviours and live the life you deserve.

If you know someone who could benefit from this FREE info, please forward this to them.

Enough is Enough, start educating yourself on narcissism and start making those changes in your life.

See you 1 June @ 7pm

Just get yourself a warm drink, plug your earphones in and sit back and enjoy the webinar.

You are welcome to bring a notepad and pen and make notes.

If you want to switch your camera off because you need privacy, please feel free to do so.

Agenda

7:00pm - Introduction

7:15pm - Webinar

7:45pm - Q & A - CHAT BOX

Click Here To Sign Up
https://49d1-valerie.systeme.io/reclaiming-your-power-as-a-woman-webinar

Feeling a bit low, here is how the King’s Coronation can help you feel good.

The coronation of our king is an important and exciting event for many people and it’s an opportunity to celebrate a new beginning.

Whether you are a Royalist or not, you have to agree that our King does have our countries interest and climate control at the forefront, and I feel sure he will do his very best.

It’s true to say I was a great fan of Diana, we had a lot of similarities in terms of childhood trauma, an unhappy marriage but the positive outcome of 2 lovely boys. She was a year older than me and her eldest son was a year older than mine, so I felt that I could relate to her in so many ways. We also had something extremely relevant in common in that our husbands were both cheating on us at the same time, so when I watched her on TV I felt aligned to her grief, I understood why she went off the rails, who wouldn’t, I also felt an extreme dislike for her husband for putting her through this, yes this is our NEW King.

It’s true he will never be as popular as his mother our old Queen but if she were alive, as a mother, she would want everyone to give him a chance and to join in and celebrate this special event on 6th May.

I like many women that I talk too, have over time warmed to him, even felt sorry for him, something I never thought I would say, but he too has had his childhood trauma’s and all of this is down to generational parenting, something I talk a lot about.

In fact the Royal Family is not that different from many families, it is dysfunctional, it has its fair share of narcissism, childhood trauma, there are family members who have suffered from mental health and extreme anxiety and of course they cannot keep their skeletons in the cupboard, the whole world watches all of this unfold in front of their eyes and this must be very challenging, because as we all know, these times can be very painful at best.

So I am going reserve judgement because I believe Charles will be good for our country.

I thought I would give you some tips on how to make the best of this momentous occasion, join in the pomp and ceremony and lift your spirits this weekend:

1. Get involved: Participate in the coronation event or watch it on TV. You can also attend local celebrations or events organized to mark the occasion. Being part of the festivities can help create a sense of community and celebration.

2. Dress up: Dressing up in your favourite outfit or wearing traditional clothing can be a fun way to get into the spirit of the event. It can also make you feel good about yourself and boost your confidence.

3. Learn about the history and significance of the event: Knowing the history and significance of the coronation can enhance your appreciation of the event and help you feel more connected to it.

4. Connect with others: Use the occasion as an opportunity to connect with friends, family, and other people who share your interest in the event. You can discuss your thoughts, feelings, and experiences related to the coronation, and share in the excitement together.

5. Focus on the positive: Rather than dwelling on any negative aspects of the coronation, focus on the positive aspects, such as the excitement, the sense of community, and the opportunity to celebrate a historic event.

All of these things can help you feel good and make the most of the occasion, so enjoy your weekend and let me know what you have planned.

Get up offa that thing" who sang that song?

DM me.

The On Your Feet Britain® challenge encourages you to change up your movement and convert 'sitting time' to 'standing time'.

Exercise is so important in midlife and particularly in the menopause, it’s not only good for your body but it’s good for your mind, there is a plethora of information and studies that show the benefits of movement and exercise.

So today you can change it up and make some small changes to your body moving and flexible.

Here are some top tips, it’s easier than you think:

Workplace

📌 When you take a phone call, stand up and walk about.
📌 If you are working and sitting at a computer, take a break every 30 minutes and stand or walk about.
📌 Don’t use the life, take the stairs.
📌 It’s trendy to have standing meetings, organise one instead of sitting.
📌 Lunch break, take a walk to get your lunch or eat and then walk it off.
📌 At work, don’t message your colleague, walk over to them.
Home

Home

📌 Go for an early morning walk and take in the fresh air, you will feel so much better.
📌 Take a night off from TV and go for an evening walk.
📌 Have a Spring clean and clear out your wardrobe, garage, shed, get moving.
📌 Park your car a bit further away when you go shopping, extra steps.
📌 Walk or take a bus instead of driving.
📌 Take the stairs instead of the escalator or lift when you go out

On Your Feet Britain® - Encourage your employees, co-workers or even your boss to take a stand.

Team up with colleagues and friends to see how much you can reduce your “sitting time”.

Make it fun at the same time too.

Have a great day everyone.

Feel like you are never going to be good enough in your mother's eyes?

I want you to know, straight up, It's Not Your Fault!

Healing from a mother wound and childhood rejection can be a difficult and ongoing process, but it is possible with patience, self-compassion, and professional support if needed.

Here are some steps you can take to begin the healing process:

1. Acknowledge and validate your feelings: It is important to recognize and acknowledge the pain and hurt you have experienced because of the mother wound and rejection. Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions in a safe and healthy way, such as through journaling, talking to a trusted friend or engaging in creative activities.

2. Practice self-compassion: Be kind and gentle with yourself as you navigate the healing process. Remind yourself that you are not alone in your struggles, and that you deserve love and care just as much as anyone else.

3. Seek professional support: You can't do this on your own, reach out to me as I specialises in working with women who have experienced childhood trauma and rejection. I can help you work through your emotions and develop coping strategies to manage triggers and negative thought patterns.

4. Explore your inner child: Often, childhood trauma and rejection can lead to an inner child who feels abandoned, hurt, and unloved. Spend some time connecting with your inner child through visualization or other therapeutic techniques. Give her a name, mine is called 'F***y Adams'..

5. Cultivate healthy relationships: Building supportive and healthy relationships with others can be a key part of the healing process. Seek out individuals who make you feel safe and loved and prioritize building positive connections with them.
Remember that healing is a process, and it may take time and effort to fully address the wounds of the past. But with patience, self-compassion, and support, you can move towards a place of greater healing and inner peace.

If you would like a chat, I am offering a 30 minute discovery call and it's FREE,
click here https://www.valerieclarkcoach.com/contact-1

Fed up with trying to be all things to everyone?

Us women, it's so often what we try to do.

Most of us people please because it makes us feel better about ourselves, but in truth sometimes it's not reciprocated and we feel disheartened and maybe even hurt when others just don't even acknowledge us.

So it's time to stop expecting others to reciprocate and respond the way we would like, because maybe they are in a different place themselves, maybe they haven't' even given it a second thought or maybe they just see things differently.

Maybe us being us reminds them of everything they are not and would like to be and they feel jealous? It happens in family and friends.

So in the words of Coc Chanel

"A woman should bet who things, who and what she wants", without feeling shame, judgement or guilt.

START NOW, make today the today you put those boundaries in.

Have a Soulful Sunday # # #

It’s Spring, it’s Easter and when you see all the Easter Eggs in the shop does it remind you of your own?

Yeah, someone told me this.

It was someone who had IVF treatment which sadly didn’t work out and then she got plunged into early menopause, heart-breaking.

In Japan they call the menopause ‘The second spring’ which translates (heavenly dew) which gradually deceases and conception will be no longer be possible. The energy that was needed in the uterus (baby palace) moves up to the heart providing a deeper wisdom or “second spring”.

The average age of perimenopause in Japan is 49yrs whereas in the UK we are 48yrs on average, with the menopause average of 52 and in the UK, we are 51yrs, so a difference of about a year, which is interesting because what it tells us is that ethnic differences really don’t matter that much at the onset of menopause.

The studies also made it clear that hormone levels were not that different, either.

BUT

Japanese women have less severe hot flashes/flushes, insomnia, night sweats, joint pain, urine leakage, and increased heart rate and overall, they generally also have fewer menopausal symptoms compared to western women.

They also have a lower risk of cardiovascular disease, osteoporosis, and brain cancer.

According to a survey conducted in July 2021, over 45% of female respondents in Japan aged 50 to 54 were having symptoms of menopause, but interestingly 29% percent of women aged between 40 and 59 years never perceived any menopausal symptoms, so is there something we can learn from Japanese women?

Their way of dealing with the menopause transition doesn’t involve replacing oestrogen or recreating menstrual periods but I believe it is because their diet is high in soy and soy products with Miso Soup being top of the list.

So, it is Spring and if everything is blooming but you, maybe it’s time to change your diet?

Let me know how you get on.

Are you in a job where you are surrounded by narcissistic managers or toxic people?

Do you feel so stressed out that you actually feel like just walking out?

Do you feel undermined and not appreciated?

Do you feel like you can't say anything because you really need your job and worried you may lose it?

I know, I have been here and you don't have to put up with this. There are various things you can do and I can help you make a decision that is right for you.

Stress can manifest in different ways for different people, whether it's work-related stress, financial stress, or stress from personal relationships, it's important to acknowledge its impact on our lives.

Let's work towards creating a culture where stress management is a priority, and seeking support is encouraged.

If you would like a chat, I am offering a 30 minute discovery call and it's FREE,
click here https://www.valerieclarkcoach.com/contact-1

What is the focus of World Health Day 2023?

Well, I can tell you that this year it is about being healthy = Health for All.

World Health Day was created by The World Health Organisation (WHO), which is a worldwide group of some 8000 healthcare professionals, who give guidance to the World on staying healthy.

During midlife and the menopause, us women experience challenges most days as we progress through the very natural transition of perimenopause, menopause and post menopause, these are physical as well as emotional challenges.

It is really important to understand that yes, you can take hormone replacement therapy and natural supplements to boost your hormone levels, but it is scientifically proven that changing your lifestyle to a healthier one is extremely beneficial, in fact women who do this report less menopausal symptoms.

The main 5 principles to staying healthy is to have a
• Healthy diet and boost our immune systems to help ward off illness.
• No drugs, alcohol, and no smoking.
• Adequate rest, and positive thinking to help your brain function. (29b)

We can easily integrate these principles into our everyday lives, and it can give us a long, healthy and happy life.

📌Eat healthy = We need a healthy diet consisting of fruit, vegetables, fish, milk, potatoes, pulses, reduce your red meat intake and increase raw food (raw fruits and vegetables which often has higher dose vitamins, than supplements.

Watch Outs.
Reduce sugar intake to avoid diabetes and cardiovascular illness, reduce your salt intake, be careful of foods made from wheat and flour which can aggravate your stomach and many women are telling me they are developing allergies and illnesses associated with milk. (The milk we drink these days is different to how it used to be, because the livestock are almost always pregnant, and the pregnancy hormones are present in milk, so in effect we end up drinking large amounts of estrogen and progesterone, so be cautious of your milk intake or take alternatives.

📌Avoid drugs, smoking and alcohol = These activities can bring on many diseases and can shorten your life significantly, there is a plethora of information on these subjects, I’m not going to lecture you now.

📌Increase your output = Start exercising i.e., walking, jogging, cycling, swimming to keep the body strong and healthy. Go to the gym and get on an exercise bike or walk on a treadmill, if that’s not for you what about dynamic yoga or Pilates or just go for a walk in your lunch break or at the weekend, really good for your mind too.

📌Take Time Out = Stress should always be reduced by having time out for yourself by using tools and resources or mindful exercise like, tai-chi, yoga, or meditation. For inner happiness, it is important to have the right balance of personal activity, work and rest and relaxation.

📌Live in the moment and don’t get caught up in the past = Try to think positively and avoid negative thoughts, if possible, not always easy I know. Positive thoughts lead to positive feelings and positive emotions and have a positive effect on your body. Motivate yourself with positive affirmations, journal them at night so that you sleep better.

Summary from the largest study on diet and health on 20,000 people since 1993

Those who follow the simple rules of health, dramatically increases their chances of a long life.

Four simple rules of conduct extend life by an average of 14 years: do not smoke, some sports, drink alcohol moderately and eat daily fruits and vegetables. (27b)