Reinventing Myself - A Grieving Widow's Journey

Beautiful song entitled "Grief" from Eithne ni Uallachain. https://www.instagram.com/reel/C0osOjtthRt/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Some days ….

I recently had to change the URL for my Reinventing Myself blog which contains all of the articles I wrote during my RAW grief, as I refer to it. So here it is:

Home | Reinventing Myself - A Grieving Widow's Journey Sharing my journey through grief after the death of my beloved husband. Help, hope and tools for grieving widows.

Hello all. I'm sorry to have to report that I've had another stalker on this page and it infuriates me. His name is Jack Roberts and I've reported and blocked him. Please don't respond to any comment he has made on this page. These are the most despicable humans that will prey on widows. 😪

I'm pondering this. I agree that stepping forward into growth is important, but I also feel it's okay to step back into safety when we need to. Sending love from here❤️

A friend recently shared this with me. Parts brought me to tears, so I just had to share it. It originated from a grief website blog, where this man responded to a post that simply said, "I've just lost my best friend, and I don't know what to do". This was his response:

"Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, Mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to"not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply, and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see...
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's a physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive...
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but...they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know somehow that you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."

Sending love from here ❤️

My sister sent this to me and I thought I'd like to share it here.

A very dear friend of mine left this earthly plane on May 16th. He was the same age as my husband when he died, and left his beloved wife of 15 years. They were attached at the hip just like my husband and I, and I was deeply grieving during the years I spent with this amazing couple. Being by both of their sides as they navigated his transition was a blessing and a challenge for me. It was as if I had come full circle on my grief recovery journey. I even ended up at the same mortuary as my husband's which I honestly did not think I would be able to handle. It was quite the opposite, however, and I'm so grateful that I decided to join the wake and procession to the funeral home. I was able to be very present for his wife, who is my dear friend, and continue to be there for her as she takes the dive into deep grief. Were there triggers? Oh, you bet! But I was able to tap into all the grief recovery tools that I learned during my own painful times to help me separate what was mine from what is hers. I continue to learn so much from this cracked open heart of mine. After 5-1/2 years, I find I am now able to comfort my friend, even while feeling my own grief at the loss of her husband, who was like a brother to me. This is living life. Could this be what moving forward feels like? Each new opportunity to FEEL FULLY, to LOVE FULLY, helps me to know that there IS LIFE after the death of a beloved. Sending love from here ❤️

Hello. This post is about opportunistic creepazoids who troll Facebook. Unfortunately, one found this page and preyed upon vulnerable grieving widows which really makes me angry. His name (fake?) is John Michael (sounds made up to me) and he replied to many widow's comments on this page. He has since been blocked and reported. I hope none of you engaged with this troller. I have deleted all of his posts and I'm sorry for any intrusion into your grieving process. Sending love from here ❤️

Well, I made it past the 5-year anniversary of my beloved husband's death. You would think by now I would be "moving on" as people like to say, and I definitely have, in many ways, but I still feel my connection to him many times a day. It's just not going away, folks. There are times these days when I wish it would. However, I believe I've found a way to incorporate these experiences into my present life. Instead of avoiding my connection to my beloved, I continue to do the same with these experiences as I have throughout my grief recovery journey - I acknowledge them. I sit with them. I breathe through them. What is that old saying? "The stronger the love, the more painful the loss"? Something like that. When one has lost their soul mate, the impression of that love may never go away. This is why I say that one chamber of my heart is reserved for my husband. Even after 5 years, it seems like only yesterday that we were together in life, rather than separated by death. I share all this because I feel like our culture encourages us to "move on" and in some sense to forget about our beloveds. This can create a sense of guilt that we still feel connected to our beloveds, and it may feel like we have to keep this connection to ourselves, like somehow it's not okay to think about or talk about our beloveds after all this time. If that's the case, find some new people to hang out with! I enjoy the friends I made during grief group because we understand each other and the grief experience. We can talk freely about the ones who left us behind, even as we move forward with living. The worst for me is when well-meaning people ask when I'm going to find someone new, as if this is the necessary remedy for being happy after the loss of one's soul mate. The experience of finishing this lifetime without my soul mate is more spiritual than that for me. It's not like a hole that can be filled by a warm body, even a nice warm body. There's so much more to it than that. I hope I don't sound irritated, but I just have to be honest about my feelings around this. I believe, from my personal experience, that the remedy for grief is to go deep within oneself and build a loving and peaceful relationship. Sending love from here. ❤️

It's been quite some time since I've added an article to my blog. These concepts were helpful for me when I first began my grief recovery journey. Sending love from here ❤️
https://www.reinventingmyself-agrievingwidowsjourney.com/post/grief-recovery-terminology-explained

Grief Recovery Terminology Explained How I Learned New Concepts for Navigating My Grief RECOVERY What??? Recover from grief? To me, the term recovery was associated with the possibility of regaining something lost, returning to health from sickness, restoration to a former state or a better state. How could this term possibly be applie...

A helpful article I'd like to share

Herbs for Grief & Loss C.R.Y. Herbals Herbs for Grief & Loss Herbals -

Grief is always bubbling underneath the surface. Today, while in my peaceful place, doing Qigong, small bubbles surfaced out of the depths. What do I do when this happens? I acknowledge it. "Oh, there's grief." I take some deep breaths and feel it, right where I am. I may sit with it; close my eyes, drop deeply into it. In my experience, this is the only way to recovery. And there is recovery. On my blog I share tools I used on my grief recovery journey. Sending love from here. ❤️

Home | Reinventing Myself - A Grieving Widow's Journey Sharing my journey through grief after the death of my beloved husband. Help, hope and tools for grieving widows.

5 year milestone. Feeling my beloved so much today, his death anniversary. Why is it that we still feel their loss so greatly even after years have passed? I've heard someone say, "the greater the love, the greater the loss". That feels about right to me. Life does go on for the living, and I'm holding a huge chamber in my heart for him - my husband, my best friend, my partner. I miss you so my darling. Sending love from here. ❤

Sending a hug to all the grievers who are experiencing this holiday season missing their beloveds. It may be the first or tenth year, but they remain forever in our hearts. For me, it is my 5th holiday season minus my husband. There isn't a day that passes that I don't think of him, esp around significant times, like Christmas, birthdays, wedding anniversaries, etc. I pray for all grievers that we find peace within and continue to heal and move forward. Sending love from here. ❤ 🙏❤

Happy GRATITUDE day! It's a reminder to feel thankful for this precious life, and to move forward into whatever blessings the future holds. Sending love from here ❤

I practice Qigong daily. It has helped me tremendously on my grief recovery journey and has assisted in maintaining optimal health. This video is beautiful and exemplifies how to live a truly balanced life. Sending love from here. ❤
https://youtu.be/ev3zZ4EohP4

Yin Yang: Master Gu shares 2 powerful ideas The yin yang symbol is familiar, yet mysterious. Its story can be traced back to the dawn of Chinese civilisation. Thousands of years later, how can it help ...

Today is my 5th birthday since my beloved husband died. I always miss him on my birthdays. I miss him a lot when there are things I want to share with him. Yes, I can share with his ethereal self, but it's just not the same, is it? Fortunately, I have wonderful friends and family to help me celebrate and to support me in keeping my spirits uplifted, especially on this day that is supposed to be dedicated to honoring MY birth to this planet. In honor of this birthday I've decided to write a new blog post which will be coming forthwith. I haven't written one in a long time, and didn't feel like I would add any more, but this one will be a glossary of grief recovery terms and concepts. Ideas that changed my perspective when I was navigating my deep grief. Sending love from here ❤️

My beloved husband transitioned on Jan 16, 2017. My mother, 3 yrs later on January 15, 2020. Several close friends have also passed in the last 5 years. We are born, we live, and we die; in the blink of an eye in the expansive view of existence. Shouldn't we be focused on the precious little time we have on this planet, creating and loving, rather than helping to fuel more separation and division? Once I got through the rough stages of my deep, raw, painful grief, and started to move forward into gratitude, to recognize and appreciate all the good in my life, I was able to move into this more expansive state. This was happening right before the virus hit. I was still healing. Everything the virus has shown us and taught us is amazing, really, but with it comes a lot of grief. It seems we get smacked on all sides by grief. Using the grief recovery tools on a daily basis is what has gotten me through to where I am now - on the other side of sorrow. Grief cracked my heart wide open. Hating on anyone for their choices is simply not part of my universe. Sending out love is the only place I choose to put my energy. Sending love from here. ❤

Things are going pretty well. By using all the grief recovery tools I have learned I continue to move forward. I hope that many of you that are also on grief recovery journeys are experiencing the same. Please feel free to share your inspiring stories in the comments. I know many of you are still in the early stages of loss and it may seem like you want to die and that you will never recover and find joy, but have hope that if you allow yourself to FEEL your feelings now, no matter how painful, you WILL be able to move forward. Getting lost in distractions is not the answer to the pain we feel when we lose our beloveds. It may seem like the anguish is too much to bear, and believe me, it seemed that way for me. If you've read my blog posts, you know my story. When my husband transitioned, I really wouldn't have cared if I got hit by a truck. I took antidepressants for a year for my PTSD after almost 4 years of ambulances, paramedics and hospital stays. I lost half my hair and gained 20 lbs from the stress. The PTSD stayed with me for 3 years after his death, but I was able to come through all of this by using my grief recovery tools. If you don't have time to read my blog, at least try these 4 suggestions: SLEEP a lot, SIT with feelings, SEE healing practitioners, and STAY calm and breathe. Sending love from here. ❤️ https://www.reinventingmyself-agrievingwidowsjourney.com/

Home | Reinventing Myself - A Grieving Widow's Journey Sharing my journey through grief after the death of my beloved husband. Help, hope and tools for grieving widows.

I love seeing all the comments on my recent post. I'm glad widows can share their feelings relating to whatever it is I'm writing about at the time. I want to remind widows, especially newly widowed, that I also have a blog with the tools I've learned throughout my journey. Sending love from here ❤

Home | Reinventing Myself - A Grieving Widow's Journey Sharing my journey through grief after the death of my beloved husband. Help, hope and tools for grieving widows.

It's been a while, but here I am again. I want to share my feelings about being "single". For some reason I have a difficult time taking on the moniker of "widow", even though technically, that's what I am. It's been four and a half years since the death of my beloved husband and I still miss him like it was yesterday! Somehow I go on. I move forward, and day by day, I discover new and fascinating things about myself. I'm ready to move beyond just moving forward though. I want to feel JOY again, the kind of joy I felt with my husband. I know I can capture that feeling again, although, it may not be the same. Many people say, "Well, why don't you just find a new partner!" I wish well-meaning people wouldn't say this to widows. Depending on what stage of the grief process we are in, it can feel very hurtful. A widow from a very happy marriage doesn't just waltz out there, find a new soulmate, and magically everything is all better! (In my humble opinion.) Many times now I find myself the odd one out; the single one, the widow. People are generally kind, and my dear friends never make me feel weird about it, but occasionally there will be a well-meaning comment or suggestion, as if the only possibility for me is to be in a relationship, like I couldn't possibly find joy as a single woman. I know plenty of widows who remain comfortably content that way for the rest of their lives. Losing one's beloved husband later in life is difficult. I had planned to live out my life with my him. Fears of growing old are amplified thinking I will be facing my golden years alone. Reinventing myself means exploring what shape my life might take now. Before this year, these thoughts weren't even in my consciousness. I will continue to explore this new territory and share my thoughts. Sending love from here. ❤️

Today is LAUNCH DAY for my "tween" SciFi/Fantasy book which I self-published and is now available on Amazon. This is what 4.5 years after losing my husband looks like. Here's what I wrote for him in the acknowledgements: "Finally, a special word for my beloved husband, L. Hawk Cargo, who is in the ethers now. Even though you didn't really "get" this SciFi story about a teenage hacker, you were always supportive of my dreams. I miss you."
I hope my grieving widow's journey has helped some other grievers to move forward and follow their dreams as well. If you're interested in what this SciFi/Fantasy story is about, here is the link:
https://w https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1737057301/

JAKE/GEEK: Quest for Oshi JAKE/GEEK: Quest for Oshi

Just picked up the Author's Copy for my "tween" book, Jake/Geek. I'll post a link when it's available on Amazon. Whoo hoo! This is what moving forward looks like. 🙂❤️

Just picked up my Author's copy. Whoo hoo! Here we go....

It's been a while since I've posted here. Been riding some waves of sadness this weekend. You'd think after 4 years I'd be done with this, but that's not how grief works. It's impossible to run and hide from it. Sometimes it creeps in and bites me on the butt when I least expect it, so I might as well sink deep into the feelings when they arise. I don't even know exactly which loss I'm sad about, but it doesn't matter. When I started to feel the sadness I sat down, one hand on heart, one hand on solar plexus, and breathed into it. I've learned over time that this is so much kinder to myself than finding some kind of distraction, putting on a false mask, or doing something really counter productive like any myriad of addictive behaviors. I would still come out of it with the unresolved feelings. The times in between these surprise waves are farther apart, (which is something people feeling raw can look forward to) but I know from experience to use my grief recovery tools.This too shall pass. It's all part of the process, and since we all feel loss of some kind throughout our lives, we will necessarily have the accompanying feelings of grief to process. So much better to learn the tools to help with this than to try to escape. Our hearts crack open and we grow and become better people. Sending love from here❤

Home | Reinventing Myself - A Grieving Widow's Journey Sharing my journey through grief after the death of my beloved husband. Help, hope and tools for grieving widows.

This is a great article about "disenfranchised grief" - the grief that is often accompanied by the feeling that it's not okay to be feeling what we're feeling. When society doesn't acknowledge or accept our grief.

It’s OK to Grieve for the Small Losses of a Lost Year There is a name for grief that isn’t routinely acknowledged: disenfranchised grief.

Oh, that Valentine's Day, huh? Whether it's your first, your fourth or your tenth without your beloved, it can kick your butt. I'm learning to allow the feelings to bubble up to the surface, turn into a fine mist and float into the atmosphere, stratosphere, or beyond, depending on if I'm wanting to connect with my beloved husband on the soul level. I'm not sure if he was around yesterday, on Valentine's Day, or not. I feel like he's moved on to other, more "important" projects, like helping to heal the planet, or assisting new souls with birth and old souls with death. (There's been way too many of those recently.) Anyway, when I get the inevitable pang of grief I let myself feel it. I've learned along my grief recovery journey that holding my grief or sadness inside is like rowing a kayak upstream - it gets you nowhere. Whereas, if the feelings are allowed to express, if even for a moment (one tear at a time), then we are moving forward. I've also learned to recognize the symptoms for when I need to allow the feelings. I may be irritable for no reason, or there's an inexplicable tug in my gut. I notice that the longer I repress the feelings, the worse these outward manifestations get. Awareness is key! If I pay attention to these signs and acknowledge them (sometimes that's all it takes) then I can sit still, drop in, and FEEL whatever is coming up. Trying to run away from these feelings is pointless because they will show up in our lives in other ways - taking it out on others through anger and irritability, addictions, and even physical illness. I've learned to recognize the signals. I got through Valentine's Day okay, really didn't think too much about it, and then this morning, after Qigong and meditation, after I dropped inward, a memory of my husband surfaced and I felt the grief and sorrow. It happened while I was driving, so I couldn't really close my eyes and sit still. Yet, I let myself feel it, and shed a tear - yes, one tear - but sometimes, after four years, that's all it takes. It's like I'm saying YES to the feeling, and that's all it takes. I talk a lot about riding the waves, and this IS riding the waves. They are sometimes small, sometimes HUGE, but riding them is much better than fighting against them. We can roll on our backs and float. Sending love from here ❤️

How is everyone getting on? I'm moving forward with my writing career. I made the big leap in December 2020 to self-publish my Young Adult Scifi Fantasy book. I finished writing it nearly 8 years ago, one year before my husband started to have the first signs of his impending demise. The whole project got shelved while I spent 3 and a half years taking care of my husband and 4 years grieving. It is a symbol of my healing that I'm going to have closure by publishing my book. It's a fantastic project, dusting off the pages so to speak, and building a team to help me through the process. Not unlike building my grief recovery team, all whom I still depend on. The recent death anniversaries of both my husband and mother broadsided me and sent me reeling, making me ever so grateful for all the tools in my grief recovery tool box. If you're curious about that, please visit my blog, link below. I thought I was through the darkness and out the other side, into the light, but as my grief counselor reminded me, (and I should definitely know myself), grief comes in waves. Sometimes tsunamis and sometimes ripples. And if we can rely on what we already have learned from the deeply raw stages of grief, we can surf the waves. I was able to, and as she pointed out, I did it with much greater awareness and insight than I had in the past. Even though there's a place in our hearts for our lost beloveds, we may still get broadsided from time to time with a giant wave of grief. Coming out the other side now, into the light, moving forward again. Sending love from here.❤ https://www.reinventingmyself-agrievingwidowsjourney.com

Reinventing Myself - A Grieving Widow's Journey updated their information in their About section.

This past weekend - WHEW! I weathered the storm of death anniversary's - my beloved husband's death 4 yrs ago Jan 16 and my mom's death 1 yr ago Jan 15. I knew this year might be difficult, but it hit me worse than I thought. The gray fog that is usually at bay came in like a shroud and I slunk into a pretty deep funk of sadness. I'm glad I have all of my grief recovery tools that I've learned and practiced over the last 4 years. And mostly just being aware, staying in the moment with it, instead of trying to run from it or fill my days with distractions (they don't work anyway). I'm keenly aware that even though I weathered last year's anniversary quite well, cellular memory and PTSD took me by surprise this year. Plus, I think the trepidation leading up to the "death days" was almost worse than the actual passing of the days themselves. I was so afraid of them and created much unnecessary anxiety for myself. I reminded myself to ride The Big Wave and that This Too Shall Pass. It's been exhausting, but now that I'm on the other side, I'm moving forward positively into YEAR 5. This is why it's so important to make space for the sadness, whenever it shows up. Trying to avoid it, shrink it down, or pretend it's not there, can lead to much worse problems, like addictions, ill health, and mental disorders. Reaching out to loved ones for support, along with grief recovery tools, can be very helpful during stormy weather. Sending love from here ❤️

In recent sessions with my grief counselor there's been discussion of my writing a blog post regarding how family members cope with the death of a loved one. She reminded me that I can often process my feelings in a healthy way when I write about them. At first I thought this was a good idea, and so I began an article a few weeks ago, but I set it aside as I became more involved in other writing projects which are feeding my soul. Today I went back to the blog article to finish it and as I read through it I got a yucky feeling in my gut telling me "No, you're done writing about your grief". My last article ( #18) was about Moving Forward and that's what I'm doing. I still have PTSD, especially during this time of year. I'm coming up on the 4 year anniversary of my beloved husband's death, and my mom's death last year, and my cellular memory is feeling it. I spent the last three Christmases with my mom, after my husband died, so I'm really missing them both. There is a particular time of the night, while I'm getting ready for bed, when I feel the most vulnerable. I have to breathe and do some Qigong to bring myself into a peaceful place. I'm finally sleeping well these days, which is such a HUGE blessing. There is hope. That is what I want to say to all the grieving widows out there. There was a time when I felt hopeless and wanted to die myself, but here I am, four years after my husband's death and I find myself listening to music again and singing out loud. I'm LAUGHING again. These are precious signs that I may be close to completing my grief recovery, even though I recognize that losing these two loved ones is something I will carry with me always. The grief experience is a part of me. It changed me. I miss my beloved husband, no one can ever replace him in my heart, but I believe I can find happiness on my own and that it's okay to reach for that JOY. I believe my husband wants that for me and I don't have to feel guilty about it. Grievers sometimes feel guilty when they start to move forward and feel moments of happiness, but I believe this is the natural way of things so that we can forge a reinvented life for ourselves. I am sharing this article about "cultivating happiness". This isn't something that grievers should feel pressure about or start too soon; we must allow ourselves the mourning period. Now that I have experienced my own grief recovery, I feel that I am justified to say that. As a matter of fact, I believe mourning periods should be a part of our culture. But that's a post for another day. Meanwhile, if you feel you are ready to move forward, you may want to read this article. Sending love from here ❤️

Cultivating Happiness - HelpGuide.org Learn what the latest psychology research tells us about how to cultivate and increase your happiness and experience more satisfaction and joy.