Kindful Parenting

Reason to meditate (652 out of 1,000).

Working with Trauma. (Reason to meditate number 140 out of 1.000).

I was chatting to a friend recently, and he was talking about how he was having a hard time. He added that he was pleased the hard time didn't relate to his trauma - so he could deal with the hard time in isolation.

I often find myself in situations where my voice inside is screaming advice and guidance, but I don't say anything; it feels pretty big to talk about a fragmentation of the self while someone is nursing their way through a beer on Friday evening.

Lots of people run into this, they see Trauma as something that's so big it can't be touched, cant' be 'dealt with'. This isn't true.

So: Trauma is a fragmentation of the self.
Something really, really big and horrible happens - and because you're not equipped to deal with it, you make a new plan. The plan often involves doing everything you can to stop it from happening again - and not thinking about it (maybe not even remembering it in the case of PTSD). Trauma can change people's personality because of this.

You can hear that plan playing out with my friend - he can see that something big is happening, and he wants to work on it - but while avoiding the trauma. He's not going there.

The issue with Trauma is that it's actually impossible to cut ourselves off from our deeper selves. An extreme might mean your whole life's built around avoiding the trauma (both the memory + situation repeating) - but even if you do this successfully, there will still be this part of you...
..A little whisper of a voice. Fragile. Quiet. Sometimes you might barely notice it. Sometimes it might scream at dead ears.
That little voice is part of you, though. If you avoid the trauma, you are avoiding part of yourself.

Ancient cultures believed that trauma resulted in the fragmentation of the soul - they had a process called 'soul retrieval', where they would 'catch' the lost part of the soul.
Proper mindfulness can help you find that part of you. It helps you to tune into that little voice. To honour it. To give it what it needs now. Maybe that was what it needed back then.

I wish I'd told S**** that.

Image by - Lizzy Plapinger

I'm going to make a massively bold statement. It might annoy you - and if it does, I'm sorry; I'm not writing it to shock or anger anyone. But yeah, it's bold. It might even be a little bit life-changing.

It's something you'll see playing out in other people's lives, and maybe yours too.

Make what you will of , it doesn't matter if you like or loath him - but one thing he's good at is getting people to click on his videos. He's amassed a multimillion following, and I think he says some pretty awesome stuff - not always but lots of the time he does.
He recently uploaded a video with Michael Signer (Michael Alan Singer) called 'The REAL Reason Why Elites Want Power'. It i he asked Michael (I'm not on first name terms with him, I wish I was though because he's awesome - check out his book 'The surrender experiment' if you want to know why). WHY it was, the REAL reason that people manipulated others. Why do big companies always want to sell more? Why do governments take advantage...

While he was asking the question he said 'do you feel that these are individual problems, or are they socially induced'?

Personally, as I was watching this, maybe because of the question, or maybe because of the stuff I'm reading at the moment (like 'the myth or normal', which also leans in the direction I was tipping), I was half expecting him to talk about capitalism or societal challenges. I recon Russel was too. Maybe not, i don't know.

Michael's answer was simple:

Because we're not OK.

When things are OK inside, it's always easier to blame it on something outside. But there is a reality that if you were OK inside, you wouldn't mind what was going on. This doesn't mean being numb; awful things happen and are happening - but humans have the capacity to register the awful thing happening, feel its effect and honour it - but not let it overwhelm them.

It's not easy to be 'OK' inside. Learning to feel OK when life challenges are happening is a daily practice - but an incredibly worthwhile one. When you're OK inside you can choose what to do next, without being hindered by stress and anxiety.

Many of us spend our whole lives trying to fix the outside world, blaming all of our ills on what is happening - but a better place to start might be within. Maybe then you'll be stronger; ready to change whatever you don't like.

Image from Karine Tanello

Have you heard the voice in your head that distracts you from meditating?

You know the one - it loves making lists, and playing out scenarios.

Were talking about the voice that says it's not working. That you can't meditate. Sometes that you'd be better off doing something else

That's also the voice that every human being has thats skeptical and on the hunt for potential threats.

It's the voice that keeps you in your comfort zone. It's the voice the fuels anxiety.

It's the voice that stops many people from meditating, but it also stops people from truly living.

When you meditate and stick with it your going to get really good at noticing that voice and not getting lost in its drama. This is something that ONLY us mediatiors do. When you notice that voice you should be proud. Proud you've woken up.

When you're mindfully aware of the negative voice inside your head, you can chose where you want to put your attention. And start a new path.

image by Brendan Monroe

Have you ever walked somewhere on autopilot, and found you've arrived wherever you were going without much memory of how you got there?

Autopilot is something all humans do, often when we're doing something we've done many times before, the mind tends to start going off on one, fixing problems, planning solutions and the rest of it.

Not so good: we know that a wandering mind is also a worrying mind, studies have shown us that people tend to feel worse after an episode.

Walking is an opportunity to, instead of letting your mind wander, allowing you feet to wander and you to practice staying present and guided. Focus on the sound of your steps and the street - purposefully tuning into the experience of the walk; your reality.

Have a good day today.

When is the best time to deal with stress?

Often, we're stressed, we tend to put off self-care until we have time for it (2023 for me at this rate!).

Here's why you might want to consider another approach.

I was very stressed the other day. I was out shopping, and my card chose that moment to stop playing ball. I was working that evening, and I had to pick up my daughter, too, so going to get a working card just took time and added pressure to the situation.

This time of year is full of commitments, busy-ness and excitement. It can be overwhelming for kids and adults alike. Maybe you're having days like this too.

You might have seen the video of me sharing the 3 step breathing space in the car. It's a wonderful treat to share meditations with people - it's an honour to offer it to others, but it also has an effect on me too.

When I left the car after sharing the meditation, it was like a weight was lifted, i was less ratty, felt much calmer. It made it so I was able to move through the rest of the day and work in the evening with relative ease.

By just taking 5 minutes to re-balance, it was able to alter the day's direction in a very positive way.

As we get into prime hecticness for Christmas, if you start to feel overwhelmed, then make a commitment to your own well-being and stop - just for 5 minutes. You can use my 3 step breathing space or another practice (please share any in the comments you find helpful!).

Sometimes people come to social media for a bit of a break, and if so maybe give a meditation a go now? Most of all, good luck out there today, whatever you end up doing.

image found via teogeorgiev.com

It's natural to feel like you want to escape. Especially when you have the family around for the big day.

Unfortunately, I can't make a big door appear in your house so you can just go.

Although abandoning yourself and your inlaws (or guests) is sort of an option - you could disassociate and perpetually zone out until they leave, but that might not go too well.

What can you do to be kind to yourself in this moment? We all have our own ways to approach self care - and perhaps something you do might help others.. Can you share something below?

Photo by loganzillmer

Just this.

Want to know how to stop feeling overwhelmed?

I was on a 5 day long, quite intense retreat a few years ago. It was intense because stuff that was going on in my life was really intense so the retreat brought me closer to it.

Getting closer to it was actually really useful. It helped bring underlying concerns to the forefront and let me process them. But that's not the important bit.

When you practice mindfulness for extended periods, you can deepen your awareness significantly and see how things are. For me it was a deepening realisation that we have thoughts and feelings and bodily sensations and behind it all lies the self. This 'self' has an almost magical quality to it; i'm not going to go into defining it.

I think what was special was that I experienced that the self behind everything was a place of safety. You don't need to go on retreats to witness this self, it comes just by taking the time out of your day to sit still and watch your thoughts. In watching your thoughts you're better able to get the true lay of the land. By practising a naming thoughts meditation, you'll, thought by thought, undo any overwhelm and instead come to a place of presence.

The idea of simply naming thoughts as a way of coming out of stress may sound crazy, but it's got science to back it up. They've watched how the brain is affected when we name emotions and found it to be an incredibly effective stress management tool - you have to name it to tame it!

If you want to take this further, you can learn deeper meditation that help you build you ability to sit with challenges. I'm making an update for my app/course where learn helpful ways to sit with many different types of stress and build resilience. You can work with me 1 on 1 too - just get in touch,

Image by Kurdistan ( Median Empire )

We all have many faces and ways of being that we bring to different situations.

Perhaps there's you, the friend, the colleague, the client, the lover, the son/daughter and the parent etc. Although you're here with me reading these words, and you're aware of all these different personas as part of your personality, it's highly likely that the people who are experiencing them don't.

This is especially relevant if you go home for Christmas or see old friends you haven't seen in a while. It might be quite frustrating being treated in the same way that you used to be and if this is something that wind you up, it might be helpful to remember that people are only working with what they've got to work with. They might know you as the sibling - but this might not be the way you see yourself. What can you do to show this side of yourself to them?

So we all have bad moments, and when they happen, you have a choice.

Are you going to hold onto it, remind yourself about how bad it was, how annoyed it made you and let it become your whole day, or let it be

- and give the day a chance to be awesome?

BTW if you're reading this and saying, 'Yeah easier SAID than DONE, Monty, then you might want to think about starting meditating in the New Year, it helps with this HUGELY.

I've now watched this life-changing happen in two lives, and I'm not sure why it is, but it's definitely a very human thing to happen.

This thing being human often involves trying to avoid the darker aspects of life. My youngest is currently trying to distract herself with food when she doesn't want to do something. As we all grow older (she's 2) we get better (or worse) ways of doing it.

Christmas is a very busy time of year. All the rushing can make it much harder to notice when you're starting to feel stressed; more likely, you realise when the stress is so big, you can't keep it inside anymore, and you're going fu***ng crazy at some small insignificant thing.

What can you do? Increasing your self awareness can help, and I'm obviously biased and think you should meditate to do this (even just for 4 mins), but there are other ways too. When you're aware of your state on a subtler level, you can keep control and choose what to do to manage what's going on effectively.

This is especially true at Christmas. You might have seen it as siblings doing the SAME thing that they used to do back then. Or maybe it's just that fully grown people are acting like children and maybe even throwing tantrums over not much.

I could write many posts on why this is happening, but the most important thing for you to remember is that it DOES happen and it's normal for it to happen - and if you see it happening, that the person isn't just being a bit of a t**t - they're stressed.

And when you see them stressed, do you want to join the fight and regress yourself (you might feel an urge to shout, perhaps) - or act wisely? Make it a dance; maybe support them or help them feel less stressed. And if that isn't possible, remember the regression lesson - notice what's happening and take care of yourself as best you can.

Everyone else will thank you for it.

What do you think?

Have you noticed how, when you're really busy, negative thinking seems to happen more?

I'm currently behind at doing my Instagram. It's because I've got a fair bit of quite challenging work on. I'm also getting some incredible support to upgrade my course - it's all going on basically.

I woke this morning and I had an idea, and because this idea wasn't pleasant (worrying about something that might happen later), I was quick to dismiss it.

It didn't go away, though, I had this worried feeling and it grew and grew. I have lots of different jobs to do and between them there was this slightly edgy feeling. Not a nice one.

When I made the time to meditate, I was able to sit with that worry. And, without trying to change or fix it. Instead I gave myself time just fully feel it, without any judgment, just allowing it to be there.

It went away on it's own. Sometimes a bit of time meditating is all it takes - but not when you ignore that tough stuff.

My big work moment is going to get lighter in the second half of this week, and then I'll get back to posting - I'm going to do lots of posts on ways we can stay grounded during the holidays.

phyleaspace - Pink Reflection

I've just spent the weekend with working with people on their mindfulness teacher training.

They're now ready to start teaching!

Teacher training is always such a humbling experience; people always have their own stories as to why they want to teach mindfulness, and it's always such an honour to support them as they go from caring a lot about mindfulness to sharing it with other people.

I've truly grateful that I'm able to support people in this way. I really feel that mindfulness teachers are doing their/our bit to save the world - the effects of mindfulness and compassion ripple out in all directions. It's also always hugely useful for my own practice to guide people on their teacher training journey.

Er. It also means that I've just worked all weekend and am a bit behind on writing posts, I'll try and get some ready when I have time.

I hope, wherever you are that you're having a good day. 🙏 Monty

Image credit - unknown; please contact me if you are the (clearly awesome) creator

Ken Wilber: one of the most incredible thinkers of our time, and also one of the hardest to describe and LEAST quotable thinkers of our time.

This one's good (the mapmakers aren't the only ones making false boundaries 😉).

I dip in and out of his work every few years. I realised as I just finished one of his books that I can use some of his thinking for my new course update.

This means that the course will go beyond what many mindfulness apps do, by relating to Ken's 4 different areas of development
- 1) Individual Interior (Meditation Training)
- 2) Individual Exterior (Exploring how personal areas manifest in your everyday life)
- 3) Collective Interior (Compassion Meditation Training)
- 4) Collective Exterior (Exploring the ripples of self compassion)

Well, I'm very excited about this.

Have you read any of Ken Wilber's work? What do you think? If you fancy giving it a go, i would recommend 'No Boundary', it's one of his earlier ones that isn't overly complicated (he likes to get complicated.).

It's OK to feel like this.
It's OK to feel like this.
We all have days that are challenging and tough - but most of us have been taught to avoid problems and distract ourselves.

This distraction can even become dissociation when it's trauma related.

I have my own story with all of this stuff. I'm not allowed to share it with you, but I also don't really want to - because If i do then you're going to be less likely to find your own path through your own darkness. We all have a shadow self; it's normal. You're going to do better at finding your own way out, rather than copying mine.
For many people these words 'it's OK to feel this' makes for a little bit of a revolution; Tonight I'm coaching a bunch of teachers in training and we're doing a meditation with this words.

It's OK to feel this: Experiencing a challenge in life and, rather than moving away, or rising above it. Rather than not thinking about it or putting the mind somewhere else; instead...

Instead meeting it. Meeting it with open arms and saying 'it's OK to feel this'.

This is the beginning of a new phase - a phase that's about facing challenges; a phase that's about accepting that life gets hard. Life gets easy too, but some times are challenging -and how you meet them is one of life's most important lessons.

My words wont top what's being said here. Awesome, don't you think?!

There will be some days (like my meditation this morning) when as you sit down, you'll really NOT want to meditate.

Have you had days like this?

Sitting this morning, I had all manner of things running about my head, the day ahead, the week ahead, the f**kedoffness for the lack of sleep I've had and lots of things that really made me not feel like meditating.

I sort of think that meditation becomes even more important on the days you can't be f**ked with it. In saying a colossal YES to something you DON'T want to do (not sure what's up with the CAPS and flowery language today); as in literally sitting with it with no distractions, you're getting better at sitting with challenges.

Life is full of things we don't want to do (I'm looking at you, October VAT return), but more often than not, not wanting to do them is because there is some element of fear that goes with it - for example, I don't like spreadsheets and maths, which means that I usually avoid doing my VAT return as it involves both (next week it's happening, though).

When you don't want to sit to meditate, it's often because on some level, you don't want to sit with how you're feeling. Not sitting with how you're feeling usually doesn't make you feel better, it just means you don't have to sit with it for a bit longer.

When you can meditate on days you don't want to meditate then you're becoming better at working with, not avoiding the challenges in life.

I'd ❤️ to hear from you lovely people about what you would find interesting in a meditation course.

I'm updating my course, and, amongst other things, we're going to cover these areas:
✨ Building resilience + soothing stress
😴 Better Sleep
😤 Stopping negative thinking
😌 How to quickly feel calm, centred and grounded
😎 Improving focus

What do you think of these - are there any you like especially? Are there any other areas that you would like to have included? If you could write a comment and let me know, I'd REALLY appreciate it.

I'll be sharing more bits about the course as I refine it.

With Kindness and Gratitude,

Monty 🙏❤️

Today I'm feeling a real sense of thankfulness.
People say lovely things about this account, and it really means a lot.
You might not know that this is my 'new' insta account - my old one was shut down after 5 years, losing 1000's of posts and followers.
It was really hard to say goodbye to that and start again, but honestly, I'm finding this one more rewarding.
With this account, I'm trying to be as helpful as possible and share my love for mindfulness and meditation.
I was just meditating with someone as part of my MBCT teacher training work and I finished the session with this huge sense of gratitude that I'm able to support people in this way. And this account connects to that too.
Thank you for being a part of it.
🙏😌
You might have noticed that I've not talked about my course in a while. That's because it's going to come back as something bigger and much better. I'll share how that's shaping up as i make progress.
Have a wonderful day today, as much as you can.
Image via AMU on twitter