In the Shadow of Angels: Intimate Stories from a Hospice Counsellor

Watching My Friend Pretend Her Heart Is Not Breaking

On Earth, just a teaspoon of neutron star
would weigh six billion tons. Six billion tons
equals the collective weight of every animal
on earth. Including the insects. Times three.

Six billion tons sounds impossible
until I consider how it is to swallow grief—
just a teaspoon and one might as well have consumed
a neutron star. How dense it is,
how it carries inside it the memory of collapse.
How difficult it is to move then.
How impossible to believe that anything
could lift that weight.

There are many reasons to treat each other
with great tenderness. One is
the sheer miracle that we are here together
on a planet surrounded by dying stars.
One is that we cannot see what
anyone else has swallowed.

Someone you know is preparing for their first Christmas without their husband, wife, mother, father, brother, sister, daughter or son. Others are preparing for their last. Regardless of the specifics, remember that this season of joy is often times a season of sorrow for many. Be kind, be generous, give love, give help; if nothing else, just don't give people a hard time.

❤️

I Never Wanted to Die by Dorianne Laux - Poems | poets.org I Never Wanted to Die - It’s the best part of the day, morning light sliding

I've been pondering on 'sitting with' suffering people this morning.

'Sitting with' is about not running away. Some pains (particularly emotional pain - think about bereavement) can't be fixed, & the impulse to 'do something' stops us from being truly present to listen & validate the suffering person's experience. By being willing to 'sit with' suffering we are not doing nothing, but doing something of great value. We are validating the person's experience of suffering.

Of course we want to stop it: fix it; give advice; distract; reduce; find a way out.
These responses stop US hurting.

Suffering is not the same as pain. Suffering is a multidimensional experience; it encompasses physical symptoms but includes emotional and even spiritual or existential distress. It is the experience described as 'Total Pain.'
There is no easy fix.

Willingness to 'sit with' suffering allows that suffering to be witnessed and validated. It is by sitting alongside that we offer a suffering person the comfort of companionship. And sometimes, by accompanying, we find clues that may help to reduce their distress.

To ask 'What would help you best right now?' is an act of courage. It requires us to be willing to face suffering and feel helpless - and yet to remain present. It accepts that we may suffer, too.

Suffering is a deeply lonely experience. People avoid those who suffer. Even when suffering people have company, listen to the distracting chatter. The company is often 'not present.'
We can do better than this. And we must.

Of course we must continue to consider options to address suffering. Our teams must offer each other perspectives & wisdom as we seek possible solutions.

It is the totality & interdependence of all the physical, emotional, interpersonal & spiritual factors at play that turns a physical symptom, or a sadness, or grief, into suffering. There is no magic medicine.

'Sitting with' suffering is an essential act of human compassion.
Perhaps, over the next few days, weeks, months there will be ways to address some of the components of this person's distress.
But today, 'sitting with' may be the best we can offer.
Being human, together.

https://www.cbc.ca/listen/live-radio/1-4-bc-today/clip/15937435-as-people-across-globe-goodbye-queen-elizabeth-ii?share=true

As people across the globe say goodbye to Queen Elizabeth II, we're asking how do you mark the passing of a loved one? | BC Today with Michelle Eliot | Live Radio | CBC Listen People lined the streets in London, England to watch Queen Elizabeth II's funeral procession. And people tuned in to watch across the globe. As you watch the funeral unfold on your screen, does this have you thinking about your own rituals to mark the passing of a loved one? How did those practices....

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Pets, it turns out, also have last wishes before they die, but only known by veterinarians who put old and sick animals to sleep. Twitter user Jesse Dietrich asked a vet what was the most difficult part of his job.

The specialist answered without hesitation that it was the hardest for him to see how old or sick animals look for their owners with the eyes of their owners before going to sleep. The fact is that 90 % of owners don't want to be in a room with a dying animal. People leave so that they don't see their pet leave. But they don't realize that it's in these last moments of life that their pet needs them most.

Veterinarians ask the owners to be close to the animals until the very end. ′′It's inevitable that they die before you. Don't forget that you were the center of their life. Maybe they were just a part of you. But they are also your family. No matter how hard it is, don't leave them.
Pets have last wishes too.
Don't let them die in a room with a stranger in a place they don't like. It is very painful for veterinarians to see how pets cannot find their owner during the last minutes of their life. They don't understand why the owner left them. After all, they needed their owner’s consolation.

Veterinarians do everything possible to ensure that animals are not so scared, but they are completely strangers to them. Don't be a coward because it's too painful for you. Think about the pet. Endure this pain for the sake of their sake. Be with them until the end.”

- Tricia Mo’orea

The dead are not distant or absent. They are alongside us. When we lose someone to death, we lose their physical image and presence, they slip out of visible form into invisible presence. This alteration of form is the reason we cannot see the dead. But because we cannot see them does not mean that they are not there. Transfigured into eternal form, the dead cannot reverse the journey and even for one second re-enter their old form to linger with us a while. Though they cannot reappear, they continue to be near us and part of the healing of grief is the refinement of our hearts whereby we come to sense their loving nearness. When we ourselves enter the eternal world and come to see our lives on earth in full view, we may be surprised at the immense assistance and support with which our departed loved ones have accompanied every moment of our lives. In their new, transfigured presence their compassion, understanding and love take on a divine depth, enabling them to become secret angels guiding and sheltering the unfolding of our destiny.

JOHN O'DONOHUE

Excerpt from his books, Beauty: The Invisible Embrace (US) / Divine Beauty (Europe)
Ordering Info: https://johnodonohue.com/store

County Kerry, Ireland
Photo: © Ann Cahill

*To One In Sorrow*

Let me come in where you are weeping, friend,
And let me take your hand.
I, who have known a sorrow such as yours,
Can understand.
Let me come in - I would be very still
Beside you in your grief.
I would not bid you cease your weeping, friend,
Tears bring relief.
Let me come in - I would only breathe a prayer,
And hold your hand,
For I have known a sorrow such as yours,
And understand.

~Grace Noll Crowell~

When you meet someone deep in grief

Slip off your shoes
and set them by the door
Enter barefoot
this darkened chapel,
hollowed by loss,
hallowed by sorrow,

its grey stone walls
and floor.

You, congregation
of one

are here to listen,
not to sing.

Kneel in the back pew,
make no sound.

Let the candles
speak.

P. M Runkle

Melting Men By Néle Azevedo
"Life is short, enjoy it before it melts..."

The Thing Is
by Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

10 Thoughtful Ways to Support Someone Who Is Grieving - Experience Camps There are many ways to show up for someone who is grieving and here are our favorites.

Once again, one picture is worth a thousand words.

World War One Memorial in Vácrátót (Hungary)

A friend was looking for the CBC interview and came across this. I had forgotten that it had been recorded. It was a service for the Unitarian church where I read a shortened version of one of the stories. I wanted members to know that signing up for Hospice services can be comforting. For those who haven't read the book this is a sneak preview of a story.

Dwelling in the Realm of Death - First Unitarian Church of Victoria Susan Breiddal with Worship Associate Dan Klimke — Intellectually, we all know that we are going to die. Whether we embrace this knowledge, understand it, run from it, or pretend it’s not going to happen, we all have an appointment with death. As Unitarians we are often willing to deal head-on w...

I experienced the same thing. I remember a man who said he felt like he was in a five star hotel. Another who said the food was the best he'd ever had. Some refused to be sent home when they were in for respite.

Just to let you know that my books have arrived. In the shadow of angels: Intimates stories from a hospice counsellor is now in Ivy's bookshop on Oak Bay Avenue.

Tomorrow at 4:07 Robyn Burns from All Points West on CBC will be interviewing me about my book, "In the shadow of angels: Intimate stories from a hospice counsellor."

Listen live at https://www.cbc.ca/listen/live-radio

The book should be available at Ivy's Bookstore at 2188 Oak Bay Avenue in a few days. You can reserve a copy by phoning them at: (250) 598-2713
or by emailing them at: [email protected]

In this quote Katy is advocating for dying patients to be supported on all levels. She says:
We deserve to be clean. We deserve to be cared for. We deserve to be empowered in an environment that we want to be in. We deserve to have the dog on the bed if that's what we want. We deserve to have music playing if that's what we want or silence if that's what we want. We deserve to have people be honest with us about the fact that we're dying, and that people don't shy away and tell us that we're being morbid if we talk about our approaching death. All of those things are possible. As a culture, we're not doing a great job of making them possible.
Individually we are. We're stepping up for our friends. But larger systems are working against us—doctors, nurses, and laypeople are all suffering because of perverse economic incentives in medicine.

from:

Imagining a good death: A Better Place Forests conversation with Katy Butler Essayist Kristin Dombek interviews renowned author Katy Butler for a thoughtful discussion around planning for end of life.

I came across this podcast for anyone who wants to take a long listen.

Joanne Cacciatore: Bearing the Unbearable - The Wisdom Experience In this episode we meet Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, Zen priest and leader in the field of traumatic grief. We explore with Joanne her path to Buddhism and her work with the bereaved. She tells us how encounters with animals like her rescue horse, Chemakoh, have helped her open both to her grief and to co...

In the Shadow of Angels: Intimate Stories from a Hospice Counsellor updated their website address.

Before every session, I take a moment to remember my humanity. There is no experience that this …(person) has that I cannot share with… (them), no fear that I cannot understand, no suffering that I cannot care about, because I too am human. No matter how deep …(their) wound, …(they do) not need to be ashamed in front of me. I too am vulnerable. And because of this, I am enough. Whatever… (their) story,...(they) no longer need to be alone with it. This is what will allow his healing to begin.”
― Frank Ostaseski, The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully

One picture is worth a thousand words.