A Silent Song - personal blog

Happy St Paddy's Day.
I'm growing increasingly certain that nobody is reading these, which is great, because I don't really want anyone to know my secrets.
I don't... I don't have any secrets today. I picked up the dog's s**t out the garden. I pretended to revise again. I cleaned the bathroom. For some du***ss reason I have Rihanna's "Umbrella" in my head. I went to town and bought an Evanescence t-shirt on Friday. And I want the Linkin Park hoodie and tshirt from Damaged Society but I'm too broke. I feel older than I am and I feel like I'm being restrained because of this... it's like I'm not 15, I'm 25, and my mum still has a curfew for me and a set bedtime. I hate it. I feel so trapped. And I'm trapped in my own fu***ng body as well. I went underwear shopping earlier bc I needed new un**es bc these ones were too small. And we had to go the women's section bc I need to gusset for my sanitary products. And I felt fu***ng disgusting. I hate this stupid fu***ng body. But I can't even communicate this self-hatred to my parents because "we're suffering too, y'know. Don't be so selfish. Don't be so ungrateful." bitch please. You're not the one who can't even take a p**s without feeling sick to your stomach. You're not the one who hates getting in the shower because I have to see my own naked body and I actually feel like throwing up every time. You're not the one who forces back tears just from getting changed because I have to put on a bra. You're not the one who wears baggy clothes and gets terrified from taking off your hoodie. You're not the one who gets severe anxiety just using a public bathroom. You're not the one who has slurs hurled at you everywhere you go. You're not the one who has to pretend you're cis just to reduce hate. You're not the one who has to act like being misgendered because you're so obviously female is no big deal. So shut the f**k up and grow the f**k up because you're suffering? Really? Try being the poor f**ker who IS trans. Then you can tell me you're suffering.

Wow, I really enjoyed that afternoon off that my therapist literally told me to have because I have so many fu***ng things to do that I never get time to enjoy a break.
Do you know what I spent my Sunday afternoon doing?
Me neither. Ask the fully serviced tumble dryer, that might know.
I don't know why I fu***ng bother anymore. I wanna be a barrister but my English is failing. I think I did ok on my biology today tho. Higher paper too.
Seeing my therapist again tomorrow, gonna tell her about my FANTASTICALLY S**T "day off".
It's ok though because I might be seeing my best friend on Friday afternoon and my social worker's taking me to Maccy's on Monday. F**k yeah. This is the f**kin life. 😒

OML IT'S BEEN SO LONG
(since I last have seen my son-) I'm sorry I'm a fanboy
anyways I MADE A SELF-DISCOVERY!!!
Turns out, I am an ORIENTED ASEXUAL!! Which, in short, for me this means yay men, ew s*x. Keep your nasty parts away from me sir
Hehehehe
It's that time of the month rn. Listening to Die In A Fire rn. Such a vibe fr. Oh, and had Insane on before that don't even get me started Alastor is so MMMMMM yes ace king slay

Sorry I have autism

The autistics get a lil quirky at night-

Today has been a good day. It's Valentine's Day! I'm seeing my friend today, we're going to Laser tag. And tomorrow I'm seeing the guy I like. I really hope it goes ok. Anyway, my social worker came this morning and she said SHE IS TAKING ME TO MACCA'S ON MONDAY!!! I'm so excited I was craving a cheeseburger yesterday after we went to my FIRST THERAPY SESSION I can't believe it I'm so happy. Anyway I have to leave in half an hour to go out with my friend, so whoever tf is reading these, if anyone, have a good Valentine's day!

I watched Hazbin Hotel a few days ago. I am obsessed once again. Vivziepop is a fu***ng genius.
I also made a tier list of who I think is most f**kable. Husk comes first, Alastor second and Lucifer coming third. Then I asked the guy that I like which one I was, and he said Sir Pentious. Yay, I guessssss? (See what I did there)
Today was a snow day.

Listening to Reckless Battery Burns! Today was ok. My cat scratched the f**k outta my arms tho
Also my English teacher is a bitch. If you're my English teacher and you're reading this, f**k you.
Anyway, I had a real scrap with my cat earlier and as I said she absolutely scratched my arms to s**t so much that it looks more like I'm self-harming than it did when I was actually self-harming T-T
I'm so sorry that was supposed to be funny
I've been waiting 11 years for therapy

I defeated Asgore. I made it to the True Laboratory.
There is something... deeply unsettling about the atmosphere down there. The fear in the entries written on the walls, and the sheer terror of what happened to those poor monsters... the Amalgamates. It's truly chilling to realise how easily they were lost. How... they could do nothing to save themselves. And to be the one behind it all... causing all of that torment in an attempt to save everyone... to truly, completely believe that you're doing the right thing... and then watching as it crumbles... and melts... into one massive creature... it's horrifying. To know, also, that a certain sentience is still trapped in there, suffering eternally, its mind shattered and interlaced with other minds... oh, I feel sick.

My laptop got confiscated. Got it back. Can't even remember why it was confiscated in the first place. Anyway, I joined an art class on Thursdays at college! I also decided I like going to the library in town. I also saw Fran yesterday, we had loads of fun. Was supposed to be seeing Levi today but all of last week's messages disappeared and now my parents don't trust me with Levi at all, which sucks big time. But I'm almost 16 so hopefully that'll show my mum I'm actually not her little baby egg anymore and she needs to chill a lil.

Damn, today has been a long ass day.
Started out pretty well, took the dog out with my dad, we had fun. Started going to s**t when my mum yelled up the stairs for me to come down because I accidentally put smth in the dryer that should not have gone in the dryer. It's my fault, really.
Some MP said crap parents are to blame for suffering kids. Not always. Often, but not always. Sometimes the kids are crap no matter how hard the parents try.
Sometimes the kids are crap even if the kid tries as well.
I'm pretty crap. But anyway, everything seems ok now, after screaming and yelling and a couple of slaps in the car. I'm fine. I just wish I could actually remember what was literally just said to me. I promise I pay attention to them, it's like there are just huge gaps in my memory, it's so hard. But they don't believe me when I say this. What is even the point?

Damn, life has sure been life-ing lately!
It's almost the New Year. I celebrated Yule and got some presents. I wonder if I can remember what I got... a LOT of chocolate. A pen, a keyring, a lil cat ornament, a mug, a heated blanket and uuhhh some other stuff I think oh yeah a book, um I can't remember the rest. I got some money tho. Been playing fnaf 1 and damn, these du***ss animatronics cannot let me get past Night 5!! Actually it's not them that's the problem, it's the power. I keep running out of power before time's up. And my dad said Diablo III is harder. It's fu***ng boring. He only played until 4am on Night 1 and he's already judged it so he can go suck one because it is fu***ng difficult and if he wants to play Diablo III he can, as long as he leaves me tf alone when I'm ranting about these du***ss animatronics!! Anyways I'mma go try again =D

Holy s**t I gotta remember to update this thing more
At least I don't update it as rarely as I do my webtoons. Speaking of which, those have been weighing on my mind lately. It's kinda depressing.
In other news, I am exhausted! And cold. F**k this English weather.
Have you ever wanted to "go home" when you're already at home? That's how I feel right now. It's not like I have a reason to be tense, I just am I guess.
Anyway I gotta go do dinner now.

Wow, sure has been a while.
I downloaded Undertale and BATIM on my laptop today. I am very happy. Also, I discovered that I REALLY like Sour Patch Kids.

I am soooo tired! I wanna sing this song but I can't breathe through my nose very well at the moment, f**k you cold T-T
Additionally, I really need to make that list of my fictional crushes. There are some real weirdos in there, some super unusual ones. I have issues

Can't believe I made it to Night 5 T-T really didn't think I was gonna make it. I thought I was about to get jumpscared and it hit 6am at the perfect moment- did I write all this already in my last post? I don't know. But I'm about to try Night 5. I know I'm not gonna make it the first time. No way.

Update: so I actually played Night 5 between writing this post and actually posting it, made it to 4am before I ran out of power T-T F**k you Freddy Fazballs

I got the first FNAF game.
And I have come to the conclusion that Bonnie is gay (won't come out the closet) Chica is s*xist (always in the kitchen) and Freddy's mum is a hoe (because I fu***ng said so).
And Foxy with his lil run lmaoooooo I can't get over that when he goes dididididididi all the way to the door pmslllll he's so f**kin funny
But the other three can go f**k themselves because NIGHT 4 IS SO ANNOYING!!! Barely got by nights 2 and 3, ran out of power and literally as Freddy's doing his song it hit 6am. So fu***ng lucky. And now on Night 4 I make it to 5am, so close so close and then BAM someone fu***ng whoops my ass. Screw all of you I need a damn raise, this security job is doing my nut

I released a new song.

I just had a bath! I feel unnecessarily eccentric right now. I wanna wear black and white stripy stockings up to my mid-thighs, boots that end at my knee, oversized black hoodies and black turtleneck underneath. I wanna have black nails and wear studded bracelets. I wanna have fishnet gloves. I wanna wear the craziest makeup known to man and not be judged for any of it. Maybe when I'm older I can do that, because I won't have my parents to hold me in my perfect child mold anymore. I cannot wait to be free from those who I hold most dear to me. How odd.

If YouTube doesn't get its s**t together it's gonna lose so many users. Like get over it, I got s**t to do and I can't be pausing every five fu***ng seconds to stand there for an hour skipping forty ads. Get a hold of yourself and stop being a little bitch.

So I guess I'm 15 now.
Got my mic! I can finally sing my song... but maybe later when I'm more awake and less cold!
Listening to the loligo requiem, it's awesome. Idk why it's getting so much hate when it's literally singing out against pedophiles. Good job Ui-chan!

TODAY IS WORLD PASTA DAY SOMEBODY TELL PAPYRUS

I have been ignoring my father since New Year's Day. He has sent me more messages than any other year, but the number still hasn't exceeded 15, and it's now October. My birthday is in three days. Apparently he'll be popping by. I don't know yet if I wanna see him. Sure, he owes me a f**k load of money, time and presents, as well as tears, pain and heartbreak, but I don't know if I should be selfish like that. I'm gonna make a pros and cons list. I'll update later... maybe.
Additionally, I finished the lyric video for my first song! I'll be singing it when I get my mic. So excited.

So I finished writing my first song!! I'm gonna sing it in December or something when I get my mic. Sorry for not posting for so long, my du***ss mum confiscated my laptop and tablet. Also, I turn 15 on Thursday. I have the day with my awesome dad, and the next day I have dinner at a place with some of my friends. I'm not gonna say I'm excited, I'm just looking forward to it. I think I'm too depressed to feel excited these days.

I hate him. I hate her. I hate them both. And I hate myself for not fu***ng punching him when I had the chance. I don't want to be adopted by a man who shoves his own kid halfway across a house, threatening them to punch him and then has a tantrum when they raise their fist in self-defense. What a little bitch. I'd have happily been knocked out then kicked out. It'd be fu***ng worth it just to see the look on his pig-s**t face when his effeminate, violence-detesting son finally punched him in the f**ked face. It would be priceless.

My mum had a seizure today.
And where was I?
Upstairs, getting dressed to take the dog out. Completely unaware of what was happening right beneath my feet forwards a little. When I got downstairs she was already conscious and I found out what happened. My dad had to deal with that, alone, having to keep the dog back. I'm so pathetic and useless. She kept apologising for being "an inconvenience and a pain" but as my dad kept reminding us, nope, that's me. I'm the inconvenience and the pain. They'd both be better off not having to worry about me. I'm useless to them, and to everyone. I should just crawl under a rock and die then huh

Holy s**t it's been too loooong
I made friends at college! I wanna be a plague doctor for Halloween. I started drawing a new Webtoon, a BL which I hope will do better than my other comics. I have nothing else to update so yeah
Also, life is still s**t, I have insomnia still and yeah =D

Holy s**t life has been busy-
So I went to college! It's a 14-16 provision. I'm in Year 10. Chose my GCSEs, this year I'm doing Cooking and Beauty Therapy. I made a load of friends somehow, and all of them are girls. Imagine being gay right T-T
But yeah! I managed to get all my chores today and I'm quite impressed, tbh!! Singing along to Reckless Battery Burns atm and gonna write some poetry for Kooth lol. Then I might play Sims4

Good day to you all!
I enrolled in college officially today. I'm... still terrified and nearly had a panic attack in there too! I have induction days next week and start lessons the week after. I'm very nervous.
However, I entered an art competition! One of my favourite Webtoons, "Only You", has an art competition going on, the rules are to pick a panel and draw it in your own style. So I did just that! I hope I win!
Looking at most of the others I'd say I have a pretty good chance of winning, but the deadline is in like a month so we'll seeeeee... and 2nd and 3rd place have better prizes than 1st anyway

I start college in 6 days. I'm terrified. My arm has gotten worse since I was made to wash up with it, I think I overused it. I have done something good tho - learned all the words to Reckless Battery Burns (Vane Lily) in just a couple days!! As well as Heart's Claws (also Vane Lily)

I got around 2 hours of sleep last night. Not sure I'm well. However, I recently discovered a Webtoon called Suitor Armour, it's probably the best Webtoon out there. And Modeus is hot-
*ahem* anyways, I'm about to play me some Sims4! Sat at the kitchen table, no headphones this time.