Musings in a Nutshell

MIRROR

When people ask, “How are you?”
Do you have the nerve
And dare say what is true?
About your pains and aches,
Your sorrows and heartbreaks...
But you must know that they’ll avoid you
Because they, like you, are suffering, too.

RHYTHMS

Yesterday you were full of energy,
Tomorrow may be different,
Not everyday is full of excitement.

Today, you take it slow,
You breathe easy, you sit down
And do things in a subdued way.

Coming in and then out,
Like the rhythms of the ocean tides,
You settle into a nice warm calm.

AS I SEE IT

There is still time to be all that you want to be,
It is a comforting thought…it is all “wait and see”!
They say good things come to those who wait,
It’s taking too long, I’m afraid it’s too late.

I constantly push myself to expand and learn,
Find order in chaos, beauty in tough situations;
Each struggle’s an opportunity for poignant reflection,
Hoping and praying the tides will turn.

I shall continue to say “yes” more this year…
"Yes" to taking risks despite my own fears;
"Yes" to growing, being fierce and strong!
"Yes" to keeping it up even when things go wrong.

I try to move forward in different ways,
I can’t put it off—have to do it today!
Unsure how it works out or what it brings me,
I just know I’m closer to where I want to be.

SENSES

I shatter the walls closing in as I take my mind out of this cage. I idly sit on its pavement and dream.

I look up and see the northern lights emblazoned across the dark starry sky. Through the evergreens and deciduous branches, I feel the gusts of cool wind that rattle the creaking wooden door. I breathe in deeply as rain falls on the dry ground...my nose sniffing the earthy scent.

I remember the taste of you in my mouth: warm, sweet, smooth, spicy...like the pleasant tingly sensations of golden whisky sours. I listen to the unknown alluring voices calling me as my own heart beats steadily faster.

I peer into the glass...and its scattered rays of infinite possibilities.

IMAGE: https://media.bahaiteachings.org/2023/06/13043057/cover-96__v1118x690__.webp

PATH

There comes a time
Where you choose to be
What you would be like
For the rest of your life.
It is not a point of no return,
Just conscious choices
To build your home
In the right place.

You decorate it
With love, care, respect,
Making you feel safe
At the end of the day.
You embrace who you are
And all your peculiarities;
You add value
To lives and spaces around you.

Wherever you go
You reach in, out, down and up--
Always keeping
The hope and faith
In your heart and mind.
You find peace
With where, who
And what you are.

To take pride
In your talents, flaws
And thoughts;
To worry less
About the hows
And whys of things;
To understand and enjoy what comes
Are your lifelong mission.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/photos/avenue-trees-path-sunbeams-sunrays-815297/

LOW-KEY

Good music and quirky art...
Weirdness and authentic hearts
A smile offered, a simple "hey"
Like morning light, it makes the day.

A strong and interesting mind
That thinks, feels and makes time
Always ready to absorb and listen...
And engage in genuine conversations.

Butterflies...a budding attraction,
Peace and trust built on connection.
Believing that better days are coming,
Not knowing but hopeful of where it's going...

It's in the nitty-gritty details of life
On hard days and even harder nights,
We accept and show our true colors;
We become more patient, thankful, kinder,
And we rub our souls against each other.

Image: https://fineartamerica.com/featured/burrowing-owl-couple-cr-courson.html

PROCESS

She let go, he gave up.
She searched, he explored.
He reached out, she opened up.
He was hesitant, she was surprised.

He shares, she listens as...
She expresses herself,
He keeps an open mind.
She lets him in; he does the same.
They keep each other's company,
Saying goodbye to misery.

She is healing while he is recovering--
They take each day as it comes
Not knowing where this will take them;
They bare each other's weakness
As they draw from each other's strength...
And they steadily move forward.

Image: https://unsplash.com/

POSSIBILITIES

Nobody knows what the future holds unless we take a risk and explore...so we discard the shell, show our true character--giving tiny pieces of ourselves to each other.

It's breaking out of an old routine, and in some ways also breaking in. Who knows what interesting and meaningful experiences await you? Maybe you'll meet the person of your dreams where you least expect it!

We'll never know what "seize the day" means until we put in the effort to do it...so we step out of our comfort zone, open ourselves up to life...and see what is out there.

Image: https://www.enterprisetimes.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/Possibilities.jpg

THE LONE FOX

Nobody knows what's really going on--
What his next move is...unless he makes it known
What he needs, he can give to himself abundantly,
Living life on his own terms in his privacy.

He climbs out of his lair to forage,
Less of an adventure, more like a daily grind;
It is a highly-honed skill no one can disparage,
His mind sound, his goal well-defined.

He finds himself at the crossroads time and time again;
He usually responds in the same way...
Where pleasing himself is the ultimate aim,
Always the predator, never the prey.

Image: https://wallwiz.com/

UNDERRATED

There is a lot we take for granted,
Often unacknowledged, left unsaid
We hardly wonder what we are doing--
An unending cycle of work, eat, diversion, sleep
Is there ever an attempt at deeper understanding?

At times, I can't help but envision
Not putting out everyone else's fire,
And just letting every thing burn.
It's not what I signed up for anyway--
Not my f***ing lifelong mission.

Then I think of the way of the world--
Falling almost for anything, accustomed to settling.
No one can be left out in the cold...
So you grasp for the wind just to say you have something.

When you feel that life is trying to break you,
Think of it as finding a way to wake you--
To see what's worth fighting for and real.
It's not all about survival; it just takes time to heal,
So be willing to sit alone, with truth--not just to fit in.

Image: https://amnazafarblog.wordpress.com/

LIFE DITTY

Flying high, falling flat
Thinking life is all that.
Getting hurt, moving on
Head held up, whatever comes along.
Though we struggle and (are) in pain
We still fight, no matter what.
Doesn't make sense, we ask ourselves...
Yet believe that there's gain.
We give our best--we lift and push!
Cheering each other on.
Though we haven't figured it all out,
The quest for joy--we keep it up!

Image: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Nutshell-One-Biggest-Nuts/dp/1662902271

Exhaustion

I am tired. I like to stay in my cool, comfy bed to sleep. If only I can…if only it would make a difference. But I can’t…and it won’t. I cannot just shut my eyes, thinking things will be okay when I wake up. I want to be dead to this world. I need a break from my mind: my thoughts, my feelings. I need a reprieve from life itself. I need to get away and let my soul rest—even for just a while.

Escape

I wander to a place of intense, irrational reality of a dream. I am a writer that pieces together broken meanings in prose or poetry…expressing brief moments of light and darkness, unearthing hidden delights and hopeful idealism in melancholic meditations. I sing to the sound of a piano either in enchanting joyful elations or romantic wistfulness at the core….all the notes playing beautifully as I set the tune, expressing my voice in harmony with the movement of my fingers on the black and white keys. I am an artist painting flowers, smells and surreal imagery deftly transferring my conscious state to another world…a spectacular moment of divine visions as I move forward in life or step back in reminiscence.

Epiphany

I may discover life meanings no one else has ever managed to encounter before…or not. But I have to steal some time and space…give both freely and exclusively to my own self. Nothing is more precious than my own freedom, privacy and solitude. It is not misanthropy. While I lament what the world is coming to, it does not mean that I reject the rest of it. I just need to breathe. And I need to be.

Image: https://unsplash.com/s/photos/solitude

REVERIE

I miss the thrill of a romance
where everything is warm and fuzzy,
and magic exists.
Each day you live the dream.
I miss being seen and heard,
having real openness,
trust and intimacy
built over time.
I miss the moments of tenderness
as well as those of madness.
The tempests weren't few I know;
we had blissful periods, too.
What else do I miss?
I miss the sound of your voice,
being understood,
the way you made me smile.
I miss finally connecting with another
only to be left alone in the end.
It is a love gone wrong--if it is at all,
not a happy ever after.
I do miss them but I need to heal,
so I can't be caught between
needing to get over you
and wishing for the dream.

Image: https://unsplash.com/photos/4-2OULpxdMc

DISCONTINUITY

A question that has no answer
A movie whose ending you missed
A song that stopped playing
A slumber from which you are awakened.

A date where you get stood up
A makeout session that is interrupted
A book whose last few chapters are missing
A stretch of road that leads to nowhere.

What haunts you is not knowing the end
Like lost pieces of a puzzle
Of all the things you hoped to happen but didn't
Like castles built in the air.

Image: https://nj1015.com/

CAPTIVE

You can consign all associations to oblivion. You can block them on social media. You can lose their contact info, the ones you committed to memory for so long. You can remove their photos. You can delete all records of exchanges, messages you usually comb through--playing detective to figure out.

You can go somewhere beyond their reach. You can meet new people online or offline. You can take up old hobbies, those you have put off doing. You can explore other interests. You can diversify your pursuits, learning and honing areas of growth.

You can miss them and never talk to them again. You can care about them and cut off ties with them. You can recover the space where they have taken residency in your life. But not the time. You can do everything to forget them. But your heart remembers.

Pretty soon, you can and you will. You will know when you are ready. You will feel it in your soul. You will know when your heart follows where your mind longs to be. You will just let go.

Image: https://lightbearers.org/blog/setting-the-captives-free/

5:30 AM

She sits at her workstation facing her laptop, staring at the display for God-knows how long. The glare hurts her eyes so she hastily averts them, looking anywhere but the screen. Her eyes desperately search for anything green. The color soothes the eyes, they say. Or maybe something blue…that should be cool, too.

A kilyawan (black-naped oriole) calls in its loud, pleasant voice. It sings regularly, often in the mornings. Once, she tried to find where the sound was coming from. It is hard to spot; it blends so well with the green leaves of a nearby narra tree. She waited patiently until she saw a flash of yellow in flight…perhaps in pursuit of a coy female.

It is 5:30 AM. The sun unabashedly shows its bright light, uncovering the darkness of the twilight before sunrise. She longs to hear the call of slumber. Oh how she would have welcomed its faintest knocks! She waits at the door as she always does.

Image: https://www.theverge.com/2020/4/2/21203114/nvidia-rtx-2080-super-2070-super-mobile

SOLACE

She is on track for her own path,
never wanting to live up
to anyone's expectation;
It elevates her vision,
gaining in size and momentum
until it hits a few snags
losing its substance.

A loud thud ushers the descent,
driving her to impulses
of infinite negativity.
She grows wings out of weariness,
rises above the world
in dreamy meditation
to enjoy unsought solitude.

Not scorn or pride or despair
stops her flight.
She wonders what echoes
of long-forgotten
ambitions and longings
she might hear
within herself.

Life is quiet enough;
maybe now is the time
to find out.

Image: https://images.app.goo.gl/8FkmE15J4cjqwp3N7

APATHY

When my head is pounding with so much pain
My chest becoming too tight, has difficulty breathing
Just want to spew out all these furious resentment
Hoping it will all be over and done with
There is no shame.

Does it make you uncomfortable to see this weakness?
The assertive anger and defiant determination
Isn't it strange to see me distressed?
It was foreshadowed, not exactly unknown.

In my head are thoughts rushing to come out
In my heart are emotions like waves crashing down
So hard deep within--they're full to the brim
Just want to release them all in a violent paroxysm
There is no shame.

Does it make you want to turn a blind eye?
No place for ugly truths, don't know what to do with them
You'd rather pretend that everything's nice
Saying, "I mind my own business; that's not my problem."

So I get down to confronting these demons
It's a journey I can only undertake on my own
Battling the lies and manipulative insinuations
From the inside out, from perceptions to action
There is no shame.

Image: Apathy hand drawn, ID 168733667 © Barsrsind

MELANCHOLY

You clutch a handful of sand
Wanting to keep it in your hand
Holding onto it no matter what.

But they slip through your fingers
And you wonder, "Were they even there?"
You end up with a few grains of leftover.

For all its power and beauty
Love also casts a shadow,
Leaves you empty, sullying a memory.

For others, it lasts forever
For some, it doesn't work
It's felt by one but not by another.

To walk alone is an act of freeing
From stereotypes and past programming
You learn who you are--it is a rare gift.

So attend to yourself in a healthy way
Into social pressure, don't ever fall prey.
Just remember that wherever life takes you.

Image: https://images.app.goo.gl/U4ThhecURd9YR1A28

INTROVERSION

When your vibration doesn't match the people around you,
Can't screw up or be gullible, no foolish rendezvous.
Open only what's comfortable, and keep them at bay;
Your words wisely chosen, calculated to hold sway.

If you're keenly perceptive and discerning as I am
You can make snap judgments and not give a damn.
They're fairly dependable, often too accurate...
Considered unpopular, most rarely like it.

Trust no one and question everything
But don't sit on the fence too long, got to believe in something.
Never speculate or presume...look closely for proof;
No room for doubt in incontrovertible truth.

Image: https://images.app.goo.gl/ZTb1NuUZaUKkEWkG8

REPOSITION

That someone you couldn't get off your mind
Got caught in a web of lies big time!
It goes against every fiber of your being...
But the person you see now--that's the real him.
A cheater, a liar? You deserve so much more!
Here's how you come out stronger and deal with such behavior:

Make a stand, stay strong,
Resist the mighty pull of attraction!
To the red flags flying high,
You must pay strict attention.
Don't rationalize--oh please don't even try
For the sake of good old "magical connection"!

Don't ever allow a narc to wait
And see what you’re willing to tolerate
When people show you who they are,
Believe them, don't let them get too far...
Because people who truly value you
Wouldn't do anything to risk losing you.

Image: https://susanspiritusgallery.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/1323200997-0-DB_MercatorsProjection_Antarctica2007.jpg

FORWARD

You knew it was wrong
It's a difficult emotion
Almost like addiction
Couldn't just turn it off.

You were caring--
An unreciprocated feeling
'Twas you he's playing
You didn't deserve that.

Pointless anxiety!
What he did, he knew exactly
But you are the priority
Not a side-thing when he's bored.

Cut ties and learn from it
You dodged some serious bullet
You ain't seen the best yet
Don't look back; move on.

Image: https://www.wallpaperflare.com/black-hanging-bridge-surrounded-by-green-forest-trees-daylight-wallpaper-azexa

AMBIVALENCE

I welcome reality as I bid farewell,
To a dream I had to leave but still hold dear;
So long had I been under its great spell,
Alas, I am free--like a mist that is now clear.

It's strange how it feels to be finally at rest;
My mind and heart at peace which is probably what's best.
The fond thoughts and memories I have though fleeting,
Makes me wonder what it is I'm really missing.

I shrug and sigh--what's the point of it all?
They don't exist; take it off that damn pedestal!
The truth's already known--it's one big charade!
Detachment takes time...let them naturally fade.

Image: https://dl.airtable.com/.attachments/1c556ec76cd11d3c3b9ad1affe81ea35/24a55684/eric-lynx-lin-sylviaplath01.jpg

CACOPHONY

Online spaces turn to noisy overcrowded forums
Where no meaningful communication is held,
Just polarized views in toxic echo chambers
To mock, provoke and obfuscate.

Our continuous exposure to barrage of messages
Is not synonymous with real conversations;
There's no interaction--only less quality, more repetitions...
What is the sense in their consumption?

How else can we process it all?
With no actual discourse, if overload is the norm?
Can't just accept and act on something
When out of context--we filter and comprehend.

The quality of our experience--or the lack thereof
Is every one's responsibility, and that we all know!
Let's not fall into these lazy habits of thinking,
Messages lost in cacophony--all content but no real meaning.

Image: https://digitalcloud.co.za/the-dos-and-donts-of-trendjacking-part-1/

RED FLAG

Didn't I tell you exactly what would happen
But you are single-minded and would not listen
Can't you see just how much it has taken
From you--your position has weakened.

You imagined a life, an ideal--a dream
Where you are free to love, to need, to feel
And there is no room for subtle schemes
Because stakes are high--you played to win.

Yet fate once again chose to show you
How you can't go on wasting chances for they are few
There are far more important things in life to do
So wake up, stay real, and pursue something new.

Image: https://i2i.org/wp-content/uploads/red-flag.jpg

REPRIEVE

You know that it just didn't work,
Letting go was the right thing to do.
Yet there's a certain sadness...
A feeling that comes and goes.

I remember the good and the bad...
It was my decision to care anyway.
I remember wickedly delicious things...
How it could have been--to be free with you.

It's a book I keep on my bedside
Waiting to be read again,
In those dark and lonely hours
When I am worn and exhausted.

Stories I can't get out of my head,
(Whose) pages I folded at the corners
Like there are parts of it
I'd always want to come back to.

I pick up the book every now and then
For moments of oblivion in your arms;
I need it terribly to give me warmth once more
Before I face this cold world again.

Image: https://www.justdial.com/Delhi/Akashic-Records-Greater-Kailash-2/011PXX11-XX11-190614145109-B7G1_BZDET/photos

PATTERN

Shattered dreams
Empty hands
Soul on fire
Heart filled with desire.

Love bombing
Dramatic declarations
Sweet-nothings
Intimate connection.

Unhealed trauma
Double standards
Unhealthy cycles
Future faking.

Perceived offense
Overreaction
Devaluation
Indifference.

Letting go
Allowing space
Fighting strong
Living and dreaming alone.

Shattered dreams
Empty hands
Soul on fire
Heart filled with desire.

SPEAK LIFE

The world says: misfortune seems to follow you
You are forever indentured to responsibilities and other people
That your life is worthless, and will not enjoy your own
That no one can be really trusted or care enough to really love you--
More like a life-sucking force that extinguishes your joy, living off whatever you can give.

Sometimes you hear it in whispers,
Or in a booming voice that threatens to drown out your remaining hope
You get sidetracked, start to listen
And believe--what if it's all true?
It's like a death knell to your own soul.

To these, you can only speak life.
And cling to the truths that were once precious to you!
Just what or who do you think you are making room for?
Isn't he the one whose mission is to kill, steal and destroy?
The one who continues to lay nations and people low?

Disregard the lies and press on toward the goal:
"Be transformed by the renewal of your mind..." (Rom. 12:2)
"Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving..." (Col. 4:2)
"Walk in the Spirit and run the race with endurance..." (Gal. 5:25, Heb. 12:1)
"We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us..." (Rom. 8:37)

Remember His goodness and mercies then?
He remains true and the same at all times!
Hold fast to the words He placed inside your heart;
Don't tap out--continue plugging in
To Him who has overcome, forever your blessed assurance.

UNEXPECTED

I was exhausted.
I wanted to sleep,
Living the dreams inside my head
Which I'm not sure will ever happen.
Or I stayed busy,
So I don't have time or space to feel.

Then you came out of nowhere.
It was not the storybook meeting--
But you are my type:
Perfectly off-balanced;
Mystery and magic
Wrapped in seeming ordinariness.

You are both dark and light;
Tenderness and strength,
Comfort in the midst of difficulty.
We each sort our broken pieces,
And kiss our way out of bitterness
While we make love though our scars.

CONTROL

She became silent...
The absence of emotions was deafening.
She felt nothing except acceptance,
That the frenzy was finally over.
She no longer felt angry or upset,
The desire to argue had died...
No one, nothing was worth fighting for anymore.