Borderline Colour

Why am I pulled to tell the world that I’m drinking Kale? 🤨

Revelation 1

It’s 10:40am on a Sunday morning. I’m sitting up in bed typing at speed on a subject I’d have once found unfathomable. (I love that word, I once heard it in a film and loved the way it was mispronounced so much that I simply had to use it as much as possible in the exact same way.)

I’m typing so fast now knowing this little epiphany is one I can learn from. BIG learn! I have to say I’m a little anxious that I may be interrupted and I’ll miss some major point. So much so that I fear forgetting the punchline/moral.

So often as a member of such a busy household I find myself not knowing what to do when there’s nothing to solve or work around. Maybe I’m becoming an expert at working under pressure. Sunday morning is no exception though so I need to rush this though.

I woke not much different to any other day. Today I woke to a cough then another and recognised the link to indigestion through the night.

I slid to the end of the bed slowly so I didn’t disturb my sleeping partner next to me. Like a slug I slumped my way the whole 3 feet to the toilet door, checking on my way I hadn’t disturbed my partner.

I planned to stand up right for a bit, hoping to alleviate my burning throat and the hope of easing my discomfort bu sipping some cold water might also help. Perhaps I could even zed a little longer?

While in the bathroom I heard the duvet being wafted, the bed being made and the curtains being opened. A ritual performed by my mum in my sleepy teenage stage. This signalled my mum’s frustration with my “laziness”.

I felt pressure.

I didn’t want to get out of bed. Not yet. I reluctantly finished in the bathroom so I could hopefully slip back into bed though felt I shouldn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t.

When I came through from the en suite my partner was out of bed. She said she wanted to get up, that she didn’t like wasting the morning, that sleeping in wasted her day, and struggling to sleep enough had a direct impact on her mental health and how she managed to sleep at a normal time.

Here’s what I heard;

-She couldn’t sleep in (because of me).

- She can’t go to bed early (because of me).

- We stayed up late (because of me.)

- I was unsupportive.

- My partner is feeling ill because of me.

- She’s paying for us to have a good time, being tired.

- I don’t pay because I can sleep in.

- I’m lazy.

- I’m uncaring.

Guilt.

I froze.

And I have frozen so many times.

This time though is going to be different. This time I’m going to learn something. Yessiree !

I froze back then too. I was eleven or 12 years old.

And when that happens it’s like I have no control over me. I go back to that time, to the very moment I statued and I could not move. I was trapped. I had no words. I lost the use of my body and my voice. I was back there in that moment. I was lying on the floor in the front room of my childhood home. I was there with him. And I didn’t want to be. I heard his words again. I closed my eyes tight.

I don’t recall opening my eyes then much. I didn’t want to see. But I remember my racing thoughts inside. How could I get away? The door was right there. “Just go! Leave! Why are you still here?”

Since then I asked myself why I didn’t leave. I know I didn’t want him to touch me. I thought I was scared of not doing as I was told.

Something traumatic happened to me back then and it caused me to freeze so much so that I couldn’t even escape.

When my world is threatened, whether that’s down to perceived or existing intention, I go right back there. To that room. Where I couldn’t move.

But let’s face it. I’m not special. As much as I wanted to be, I’m not. And there are people like me out there, at a different stage of their journey, who may appreciate listening to this. Recognising there’s a way out of our thought patterns. Training, reprogramming if you like. And work, HARD fu***ng work.

But we can break free. That’s the thing. We CAN. I can. I’m new to this, yes. But I CAN.

I cut eye contact and turned over to “sleep” while my partner left the room

Secretly though, I had to have some time to process this and I knew I’d have to do it alone.

Here I recognise just how difficult I can be to live with and appreciate just how patient my partner can be. It can be very frustrating when you open up and you feel unheard because the person you are opening up to is taking things personally as I do.

She is getting frustrated with HER needs and then my reaction to how that impacts ME. Can she ever feel heard by me?

Because now I know. And if you KNOW you do it, if you KNOW that’s how your body CAN react. Then we can know how to help ourselves, our loved ones. JUST by stopping. Just by REALLY listening.

There are two things I can learn here (well so far). Now I’ve realised I can’t really help somebody if I’m not prepared to actively listen.

And. When they tell me their story it’s not because they want me to fix it.

I heard all my partner had to say. I heard her struggles. And because I was so frozen in my s**t I lost out on a lovely lazy Sunday morning in bed.

We wanted to do shooty things with NERF guns and the big kids. Now I have a date with an oversized turd that won’t flush? This calls for the wooden skewer!

Here’s a pretty flower.

I’m back, and there’s no stopping me. I will not be moved by my emotions!

Hopefully.

Time to get sober momentum people! This is a scheduled post!

So the past 10 months…

Today is an ok day.

Love one another. ✨

I think being alone is certainly something I’ve been lacking. Even when there’s been the opportunity I’ve tended to go to crowded places, or spend time with friends. When I look at the past, where I’ve managed so much better, it’s because of the time I’ve spent alone. It helps to reset and clear the mind. Adding some meditation and mindfulness to the mix can also only ever be of benefit. Still learning.

Deflated, confused and exhausted I packed my bags and took a trip away for a few days.

And there, I did 5 things that have changed my life forever…

But before I get to that, I have a confession to make.

Last week, I was so burnt out that I struggled to get out of bed.

What a hypocrite, right? 🤣

Here I am trying to educate all of you on work/life balance, mental health, a healthy lifestyle and how to avoid toxic productivity, and there’s me resembling a potato with a duvet on, feeling physically unable to turn on my phone.

I know I’ve made a joke, but it wasn’t funny…

My whole body felt sore, similar to a virus.

My head was pounding.

The thought of doing the smallest task was like climbing a mountain.

And I felt even more stressed, anxious and guilty because I was having to take time off work and cancel events…

The issue here, is that I’ve spent the last 5 years identifying causes of work-related burn out.

I know them all.

I teach them to both my coaches and clients.

I know one of the root causes is your whole identity being wrapped up in work, but I’ve worked hard to ensure that I’m not the Mental Health PT outside of my job, and I’m just Dan.

I know another reason is working too many hours, so I cut them down by 2-3 hours a day a few months back.

I know another reason is reducing the intensity of work related tasks, so I temporarily stopped doing guest speaking, events and appearing on other peoples’ podcasts.

I know another reason is constantly having a point to prove, so I made sure that I stopped putting so my pressure on myself to always be at my best.

I knew the 7 signs of work addiction (which I’ll share in the comments section below).

I knew all of the above, and I stopped doing those things.

So why did I still find myself in bed unable to move?

Deflated, confused and exhausted I packed my bags and took a trip away for a few days.

And there, I did 5 things that have changed my life forever…

1.

I spent time alone. No technology. No distractions. No pressure. No people.

This allowed me to face some of the challenging thoughts that I sometimes push aside, and allowed me to fully listen to what my body was telling me, rather than just my mind.

It allowed me to explore emotions, rather than constantly thinking about the next thing I had to do.

2.

I physically removed myself from the environments that were causing me to feel stressed.

A change of scenery and being outdoors in nature forces you to become present by exploring your surroundings and allowing your senses to experience new sights, smells and sensations.

3.

I spoke to a professional. They were able to be an objective observer and allowed my to tell my story, rather than live my story.

This led me to be able to view my situation with a fresh pair of eyes and critically analyse why I’d found myself there.

4.

I took time off work, but I allowed myself to think about work.

If we go on holiday and totally switch off our thoughts about back home, it doesn’t allow us to view things differently and with a changed perspective.

We get home and we find ourselves immediately in the exact same position.

I’m not saying check your emails when you’re away, but allow yourself to explore how work has been making you feel, and what you’d like to change when you get home, rather than just blocking it out.

5.

I did a lot of writing… and by doing so, I discovered the reason I had became unwell.

I wrote down everything that I had done over the past 18 months and realised that the reason I’d burned out, the reason that my body had found itself waking up in fight or flight mode every day, was the simplest, most obvious things all along…

I’d still been doing too much.

And I’d been so busy exploring the more psychological reasons that I could become overworked that I missed the whole reason that was staring me right in the face.

I was literally, just biting off more than my mind and body could handle.

Which meant that every day I felt like I ‘had’ to do things, rather than wanting to do things.

It was so obvious I felt embarrassed, but when you’re so immersed in something your brain simply cannot view it objectively.

Sometimes, in fact a lot of the time, the answer is right in front of us, but we’re too close to it to see it.

Which is why we have to do (sorry, should want to do 😉) all of the above 5 points.

Not sporadically.

Not once you’re already burned out like me.

But regularly, in advance of feeling ill.

Being proactive, rather than reactive.

Luckily, I’m fine.

I’ve got a lot of supportive people around me, and I’m so grateful that the position I’ve found myself in is manageable and can change.

And I also do love my job and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

No matter your situation, most people can do some form or variation of the above 5 points.

If some seem out of your reach, message me and I can suggest some other options.

I’ve been back to work a few days now and enjoying it with the new set boundaries I’ve put in place.

I’ve got a long way to go but hopefully this story will help you identify if yourself or a loved one is starting to struggle…

And also, I hope this shows you that nobody has it all figured out.

We’re all just playing the game, moving forwards together, learning more about ourselves every day ❤️👊🏻

Gaslight myself, then I’ll be ok.

Oh, that’s CBT.

It’s not working!

My therapist wants me to keep record of my mood.

Time to start writing a dairy!

OCD and anxiety tips to stop repetitive thoughts Learn more about the 'stop' technique and how it can help stop repetitive thoughts.

I should really share the good and the bad. So I am doing.

Today is a good day, at least this far into the day, it hopefully can’t change. I know that’s a silly thing to say, this is me. But. Every day is fresh isn’t it?

How long do I have to feel so very alone? How did I get to this age without feeling this so strongly every single day for months? Crying? Because I’ve taken antidepressants on and off for the last 24 years? Did they really help THAT much?

Google how to say things the right way to people. How to offer help so a person knows you are genuine. I never used to find these things so difficult.

I swipe from friend to friend, family member, support group, and really I just don’t know now. And here, I write this message concerned that given my mentality I’m understood to be here for attention.

I’m not.

I just don’t know how life or death can work.

Call the crisis team they say? And tell them what? That I can’t cope but won’t end it? That they need to send me on a parenting course for my 3 children? Past that now. I’ve done the damage.

What are you supposed to do when you can’t do anything? I won’t turn to drink or drugs, I won’t do it. I couldn’t. This is my duty, but I’m falling apart. Every. Single. Day.

I don’t even know what I’m expecting from the post. I don’t believe anything will help. So I’ll sit here. Waiting. For the morning to come.

Today has been difficult.

Not bad difficult, do you know what I mean?

When the challenges come one after another with only just enough time between them for you to catch your breath, and you’re there screaming inside to just be able to breathe in a calm manner for a few minutes.

So.

How was your day?
How did you feel?
How did you think?
How did you feel?

Good night.

Sweet dreams.

MBT Mentalisation Based Therapy, sounds like a good start.

Mentalisation Based Therapy Jessica blogs about her experience of taking part in group Mentalisation Based Therapy.

It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.

"Hello Eeyore," said Pooh.

"Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet," said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice.

"We just thought we'd check in on you," said Piglet, "because we hadn't heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay."

Eeyore was silent for a moment. "Am I okay?" he asked, eventually. "Well, I don't know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That's what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven't bothered you. Because you wouldn't want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now."

Pooh looked at Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.

Eeyore looked at them in surprise. "What are you doing?"

"We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are."

"Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

Because Pooh and Piglet were There.

No more; no less.