Support Group - Finding Love and Support When You Leave the Church

I met my co-worker's parents. Found out my chiro (co-worker) was mormon - and so are his parents of course. I don't know why my jaw dropped so hard though...I mean...I do.....I thought, "how could he be a Mormon?" He is so cool - so loving, accepting, funny, inteligent; how could he be a Mormon?
He thought I knew - It seemed like the earth shook. I just couldn't - he looked at me - when I was saying, "yeah, I served a mission in Brazil," he was like, ,"New Hampshire!".
I then told his parents how I hadn't been to church in 5 years; so they told me their stories, and encouraged me to listen to last Conference. I was like; "yeah, no, it kinda makes me feel sick to even see a picture of Elder Nelsen" no offense to anyone who loves him - I'm just still going through it - words that used to inspire me - just feel like poison now - it's so weird....but not weird...but weird. They told me I was supposed to meet them today - like our meeting had somehow swung my spiritual pendulmn back towards the church; I just smiled and said - "it was so wonderufl to meet you both!" ANd it was - they were great.
Why do Mormons try so hard to call us back to them? My 17 year old daughter has been getting "secret sister" gifts for the past bit - and is like - "dude - I haven't been in 2 years; this is so awkward - like no one talks to me - and thats fine - but why the stuff - IT'S SO WEIRD." I could relate - having just met the co-workers folks.
Why are Mormons so, "oh - come back to us - it is a hospital for the sick". I was like, "I'm not sick". "I'm better than I've ever been". I think, "the church made me sick".
Now that is strong - but I feel it is true too. It doesn't react in everyone system like that - it could be because of my past - or how my brain heard things - but boy - do I not like who I was all those years.
I love myself now - I feel like an actual good person now. I drink coffee - I don't do alcohol or drugs(gummies)- though I've tried them since leaving - but only because I wanted to. I found they were not worth the downside effects - hangover. And I don't like the taste - so for me, what's the point. I don't like doing the pointless for me....but anyways. But other mormons - they think you must be living the fast life and feeling bad about it so you need the hospital (church) to get back to goodness.
I think mormons think you have fallen away because you have sinned. That was not my experience. I fell away because I started really looking at who I had become - as a stalwart memeber of the church. I started looking at what my current beliefs felt like in my soul. I started looking at why I had such a hard time loving myself, ,accepting myself, and loving others and accepting others. Guess what - I traced it back to my beliefs. The ones I got in the church. The way the "doctrine" was taught, and the way those beliefs were adopted by my brain - created deep disfunction. Sadness, depression, guilt, fear, duty, submissive smallness, deadness. Those were the the emotions I felt most days - and in the church.
Now - the temple - the Celesial room - is the only place I miss. But you have to go through all the other crap to get there. Ya know what I mean!??? All those freaking hoops. All the things that seem like lies.
I could talk about this topic ALL DAY LONG.
I am finally saying what I mean, and meaning what I say. I am not trying to convince anyone - or even make anyone feel good. I do hope - though - that maybe my words strike a chord in you - and help you move one more foot forward - in a direction that is positive for you - whether that is back to the church if that is what feels good to you - or forward to the next aha moment - if you are still on a path of discovery and awareness. Bless each one who reads this with love and peace.

Easter Sunday. Jesus Rose from the grave. Can you be a believer in Christ - without subscribing to a particular faith? In my mind - organized religion is iherently flawed - limited and lacking. I was programed to believe my whole life that my religion contained ALL the truth - all the answers - anything I might need to know was available to me through prayer or study.
If I didn't get an answer - then I didn't need to know and I just needed to have faith until I learned.
I don't know exactly why I struggle so much now to engage with religion - or Christ or even God for that matter. But I do.
It's not that I don't want to believe in God or Christ - but a part of me wonders - Can Christ exist indepenedent of the scriptures?
I want him to exist independent of the scriptures because honestly - the scriptures make me feel like I've got to fit my round self into a square peg hole - or I'm not doing it right. Now - I believe I have plenty to work on - but focusing on my lack - and quieting my "natural woman" which is an enemy to GOD; which is so central to organized religion - only makes me feel bad.

Pretty great awareness right?

So if focusing on my lack of worthiness and rightness before GOD feels bad - and focusing on all I am doing well and my desire to believe in the knowing that my soul is "enough" right now feels amazing; why shouldn't I focus on being worthy of God's love, acceptance, and glory right now?
Being in a religious atmosphere (church building) usually has me focusing on all the boxes I need to check: pay tithing, go to temple, provide service, prayer and fasting..all the things....Just so I can "be good" enough - just so I can become enough like Him, so that he accepts me and my efforts to mold myself into his image.
Religions seem to be so focused on the doing; the changing - And while doing good things isn't bad - I believe it is backwards.
We each have something we were born to do. And the answer to that question isn't found in what your religion tells you your purpose is - be a wife and mother and raise up the next believing generation. That is their answer for everyone. It is cookie cutter and generic.
I am more than that(at least that feels more expansive to my soul to think that way). While in religion; I never even got to discover who I am (beyond being a daughter of God). I was taught to say yes to all the things that were asked of me; and to focus on living a pure and clean life so that a man would take me to the temple and give me the greates gift - the chance to be a wife and a mother on earth; and therefore the chance to be that in eternity as a Queen and Priestess to my Husband. While wonderful no doubt - not actually a plan that took into account my unique soul's desires and my individual purpose.
Who am I really - as a daughter of God - what do I want - really - and how can I express my unique and wonderful being in a way that feels authentic and soul expanding - rather than restrictive and deadening.
I don't really know why religion in all its forms I've experienced (ok - there haven't been that many!) just feels like a giant facade where the purpose is for the individual to die - to become the BODY of Chirst. I mean, the scriptures say that - like we are little ant soldiers whose primary function is to serve the queen so the colony can go on existing and expanding.
So I feel the desire to disconnect the good part of religion - Christ - from everything else.
And yet - my programming tells me that is wicked - and that I am making GOD in my own image - who I want him to be.
Well - that is in fact what I am doing. So, am I wrong? Is God angry with me? That is what my brian is offering me as truth - as I learned growing up in religion.
But my higher thinking mind also wants to offer me the idea that no; I am not doing it wrong; no; I am not wicked or misguided.
God is Love, so how could he possibly be mad? Because above all else - I am trying to be like him - I am trying to embody Love on every level. This is what feels good to me: To Feel love, be love, and give love. And I am finding the way that works for me to do that; even if it isn't what religion says I should be doing - or even the bible for that matter. And, if I am learning to love the way I am doing it; isn't that exactly the point; my lovable friends?

I just got a letter from the Bishop - asking if I am ok with my Ex disolving our temple sealing. It's going to go to the first presidencey - Big Time! You know -tears came to my eyes - and I am working it out here....because this is honestly the only place I feel I can be 100% authentic - because I am not trying to teach or coach anyone. The tears....came from fear....."oh man, who am I going to be sealed to now?" You know - If I am sealed - to any man - as far as the church is concerned - I am good to go as far as getting in to heaven and getting a worthy man to be my creator spouse.
Here is the dilemna - Do I think there is any reason to keep my sealing? As I am not active, it would seem an easy thing to let go of. In fact - I had considered doing it myself a few years back - but decided - it was too much work!
So, Jon is doing the work...but he needs me to sign off on him meeting his divorce obligations - has he paid what he said he was going to pay? I have to say he has not met them. He is trying to unseal us, and seal to another woman. Am I going to get in his way of doing what he wants to in his religion? What would be the point?
I guess I am going to need a few more days to digest what is going on in my mind and heart. The things you never think about - until you do. I am working on compassion for all others in all aspects. But part of me wants the first presidency to understand all the ways Jon has screwed me over. I don't really like that part of me - the one who wants "justice" over forgiveness, but I can understand where she (me) is coming from.

I was a huge victim in my marriage - and have only just realized that I've been doing it forever it seems.

The first presidencey has asked for the facts; and I don't know if sharing the facts can be done from a place of love and acceptance. It will probably be good for me to work through this - in a - these are the facts - and this is my story - sort of way.

So - I drove my daughter and two of her church friends to a dance last night (church dance for 14& up).

I tried not to lash out when both girls reiterated what I have heard my own daughter say - probably because I once uttered these atrocious words to her -

Get ready to dry heave

“You can never tell a guy no”

….when he asks you to dance with him….

But what do our teens hear??

What did “I” hear??

“You can never tell a guy no”. (Period)

This is part of the way I got messed up bad by little bits of advice like this you hear over and over growing up in the church.

So many problems are created when a girl believes that crap.

What if I had been taught:

Tell any man no when he asks if you want to - in a kind way; like; “thanks, but no”

We were taught that male ego is so fragile that our “no” would send him into a spiral of self-hatred and oblivion.

I believe I told my Ex “Yes” to his awkward proposal because I had never learned how to say “no”. Believe me - it was the worlds most unromantic and unloving proposal ever…..but, I couldn’t hurt his feelings.

I am not sh****ng you. That is why I said “yes” to marry my Ex when every fiber of my being was screaming “Nooooo!”

If I had been taught to listen within…and to be polite when I decline any advance a man makes - I may have made different choices.

I did all I could do - all I had been taught - and all I believed I deserved.

But I want better than that for my 15 year old.

It feels like torcher watching her and her 10 year old sister go to church with their dad - knowing how scarred I am by it all.

All I can do is try to listen - and “warn” them a little less. All it accomplishes is making me look like a do**he bag who hates the church.

I don’t hate the church. I hate how I let the lessons and doctrine make me feel unworthy, incapable, and powerless to the will of God.

It is always - “do this” “believe that” and “go this direction-exclusively….or you won’t make it in.”

You are only ever taught to listen for the spirit - not your own knowing and intuition - those two things are soooo different for me now.

I was always scared of “getting it wrong”. Like, what is the spirit trying to tell me!??

That was a real mind game - and Created a disconnect between me and my ability to make decisions for myself; and trusting in my own knowing.

Slight tweaks - but sooo sooo different. One is empowering - the other - devastatingly disempowering.

At least I know now.

So, my super tiny(skinny) 15 year old daughter was fasting yesterday - all day - she’s not anorexic - though she can’t really be bothered to cook for herself. She slept over at a friends last night - so between church, hiding out in her room while fasting and going over to her friends house - I didn’t see her much…but, I did think about her a lot - and How I used to fast too - the first Sunday of every month and then in between when I really wanted to show my humility to God.

I remember the struggle - I was dedicated - I really thought that fasting would make me a better person. That if I did it enough - over time - God would be pleased with me - and give me the things I wanted in life.
I regret now - I put so much in his hands. I felt he had so much power over me - like - I had to be worthy to him - I had to be good enough for him - it was all about trying to become what he wanted me to be - so I could have what I was told was the Ultimate - be a God with my Hisband in Heaven one day.
The weird thing is that focusing so much on that far away lofty goal - did very little to help me take responsibility and ownership over my life. I was always deferring to God. It was ultimately his decision what would become of me.

It was not good for me - it made me less of who I am - than more. Less sure of myself than more.

I see my daughter’s conviction to the gospel and her long suffering and fasting and praying - and I hope it is good for her psyche. I worry though - that she is more like me and one day she will have to wake up and cast off the chains which bound her (the church culture and to some extent the doctrine ) .

But for today - it makes her feel good. So I just love her and try not to worry - she is on her own journey and it may look nothing like mine!

It’s not my job to save her from religion (especially the one I groomed her in) or to save her from an unhealthy marriage or to save her from buying into a subservient role as a stay at home mom with no career. She gets to decide. And I am all for it. Because her life IS her own. And I trust her to figure out what works for her.

So, I will do the only thing I have power over - I will respect and love her and always show her I accept and believe in her strength and ability to do whatever she feels called to do.

Love my girls.