The Zambian Sistahood

Friend, some men take advantage of your depression and feel the best they can do is give you a below par lay. There is nothing worse than being so lonely with a warm body next to you, or in you- your tears giving in during sexual in*******se, and mixing with his warm sweat. Those tears that come from the distance, out of no where. Which interrupt the rhythm you create with another. Crying into or**sm is one of the saddest things you can exeperience because you are trying to feel- but it all just c**s tumbling down.

I thought I would be married by now. Oh shucks. I was wrong about that and many other things. The problem started when I chose to swim against the tide and try discover who I was, before I invite another person into my life. I was never like my friends, the girls who had their stuff together. I knew it was over for me, when at 24, I was clueless about relationships and marriage, when some of my mates were already in serious relationships, others pregnant, and for the most part, they seemed to have their s**t together. I was just not impressed.

I am a suffocated adult woman, really not afraid of commitment, but scared of choosing wrong. The choice has to be made, but the wrong choice can make me go ballistic. See, some of the people I know are having midlife crises at early ages. How can a 32 year old man, who has reached his peak, whose job offers and salary scales can only go up, be void of any emotion, any sense, and start cheating on his thirty something year old wife? How can they live as one, but half of that one, is already feeling trapped and looking for what is out there? That is what scares me, settling down, and the other person changes their mind. Self-sabotage. The very act of panicking and jumping ship, before the commander even shouts ‘shoots.’

It is not just the self sabotage. It is knowing that the options out there do not match with what you desire, the very fact that you know what you want is out there, but finding it is the problem. Dating in this city is exhausting, men showing off what they have, women showing more than what they have, conversation stale, alcohol lukewarm. Those in relationships are aesthetically happy, with the occasional happy couple posts, their genuine connection and love shared for their children. Other than that, there are no hobbies between the married, no actual conversation and as they grow older, love of spouse shifts to acceptance of situation, and dedication is put into raising the family, working towards retirement, school fees, and farm projects to generate more income to support the child on the way. In a way, we are becoming our parents. Remember when we used to complain that our parents have no PDA whatsoever, yet there are eight of you in the house? Where is the adventure, the thrill and the desire to do more than what the world expects? Are people like me dreamers, who have to wake up and live in the real world, void of mindblowing anything?

I recently thought I was happy, I was convinced to date a man my family and friends encouraged me to pursue- give it a chance, or whatever gibberish they use to convince you to loosen your pickiness. I succumbed, looked at his head in a different angle, did all the basic things that come with playing house. It never went far. I woke up one day and talked about how my life is in a new trajectory, and that I need to be in a healthy relationship, and therefore abash emotionally distant men. He withdrew attention slowly, till I realized the good mornings stopped coming, till I realized that the hot pursue he had for me was more of an ego booster, and that the entire relationship was simply based on make pretend. Me in my spirits not poor in house nor hungry in belly, I bid that man adieu, without a glance back. We don’t beg in 2022. And there he was, asking why I have grown silent, why I never put in the work to try ask him what is going on, and his ego refused the notion that a grown woman can move on from a much growner man and just exist, continue her life without begging. Do you know how heartbreaking it is, being rejected by a man who was never your type in the first place? That is why most women are angry. Stuck in relationship with Phiri, who people convinced you was good for you. You give the Phiri a chance, adjust your list, settle, and Phiri disappoints you. And now you are mad. Because Phiri should not have the audacity to hurt you, when you accommodated his inadequacies.