Circle track United News of Tuscarawas

With cavalcade season approaching...

SOME MEN JUST WANT TO WATCH THE WORLD BURN; STOLL HOLDS BACK FELLOW OFFICIALS TO ALLOW DRIVERS TO FIGHT IT OUT

Local track safety director/sadist Austin Stoll revels in the misery of others. “I’ve enjoyed watching the crashes and subsequent altercations since I was a child,” said Stoll. “Some officials try and break up a fight, I feel it is my duty to stop them from robbing everyone of quality entertainment.”

Stoll rejoices in the on-track altercations so much he sometimes even aids drivers in their attempted assaults on one another. “I’ve been known to slip a driver a crescent wrench or a fire extinguisher during the heat of battle from time to time” he was quoted as saying.

Austin said his biggest reason for promoting violence over more diplomatic routes is to get the younger generations interested and involved with racing. “Kids have grown accustomed to violence; Hell, they love it. Between video games and television, we must find a way to keep up with that level of godless heathenry. We must capture the interest of the younger generations, so the sport does not die out. I feel as if I am doing my part in promoting local short track racing through the means of violent bloodshed and entertainment.”

Choose to embrace the chaos and join us every Saturday Night from April until October at the Speedway.

PICTURED: Stoll aids a local driver in a desperate struggle with a fellow competitor following an on-track incident in the Trophy Stock class.

TRACK TO IMPLEMENT NICKLEBACK POLICY; ALL DIVISIONS THAT HAVE MORE THAN 2 CAUTIONS DURING FEATURE RACE WILL BE SUBJECTED TO NICKELBACK’S DISCOGRAPHY OVER RACECEIVER UNTIL RACE CONCLUDES

MIDVALE, OH. Gather round’ my children in Christ. I know not where we went wrong; I know only that our path strays further from God, and those that can race a given 10-30 lap distance without causing a caution, every day. Maybe it was when Florida Georgia Line was allowed to be on the radio, or when The View was allowed to be shown on Network Television. Perhaps it was when we chose to vilify Ted Kaczynski before properly understanding the man’s principles and reading his manifesto. We cannot say with certainty, but we can say this…

It took 45 minutes for the Late Model Division; made up of supposedly the most talented and experienced drivers in the area, to complete 9 laps of their intended 30-lap feature this past Saturday night.

To curve the trend of operating the track past 1am, new owners, Randy and Kim Smart, have now implemented the Nickelback Policy. Any division accruing more than 2 cautions in a given race will be subjected to Nickelback’s full discography across the RACEceiver frequency until said race has concluded. Track Owner Randy Smart was quoted as saying “We hate to do this to our competitors but enough is enough. I mean, we have children competing out there; they shouldn’t have to be subjected to this.”

As an avid Nickelback fan, beloved local announcer Chris Kail has volunteered his services to drive again given the current circumstances. “I’ll drive Street Stocks again if it means I get to listen to that angel Chad Kroeger over RACEceiver. Hell, everyone else in the division may as well bring a bucket to collect their car at the end of the night. I’d hook my own grandmother to be a part of that.”

On a side note, an anonymous source claims Kail chews yogurt.

PICTURED: Learn it. Know it. Apply it.

MIDVALE SPEEDWAY ANNOUNCES DRIVE FOR DIVERSITY PROGRAM; HONORARY MINORITY ERIK JOHNSON PROMPLTY WINS B-MAIN

MIDVALE, OH. New changes are coming to Midvale Speedway for the 2023 season. A new owner, changes to the Bud Barn and now the announcement of the speedway’s Drive for Diversity program. For the first time in the history of the county, an individual that hasn’t made s*xual advances towards their cousin at a family reunion at Tuscora Park will be allowed to participate at the speedway.

Erik Johnson has made quite a name for himself running compacts and enduro races all over our great state amassing over 30 victories since 2018. Calling Lorain and Painesville Speedways home the past several years, Erik was formally invited to participate within the borders of Tuscarawas County and found immediate success with a B-Main victory in the compact class.

An unnamed source within the speedway was quoted as saying that “Erik was first mentioned for the program when we noticed he ordered the walking tacos 37% more than our average consumer.” Also, “Erik has been spotted bringing his own seasoning to add to his hotdogs and hamburgers.”

Several members from the Tuscarawas County Chamber of Commerce remarked that they were uncertain as to Erik’s true ethnicity; he might just be really Italian; but are glad to welcome him to the county none-the-less.

SUMMIT COUNTY, OH. SUSPECTED CHINESE SPY BALLOON ORIGINALLY SPOTTED OVER MONTANA IS ACTUALLY JUST GABE PRINGLE’S INFLATED EGO

The Street Stock class has been caught with their pants around their ankles in recent years. Having fallen victim to the potent Father/Daughter team of Dennis and Kylee Wood; it is no surprise that drastic measures have been taken by their fellow competitors to close the performance gap within the division.

According to sources, Pringle is suspected to be spying on Dennis Woods’ racing operation. Avoiding Canadian and American air defenses alike, Pringle’s inflated ego and general curiosity has been pushed over the Great Plains and finally settled at it’s intended target in Northeast Ohio.

Jason Grewell stated “Gabe is getting desperate. Dude was a serious contender within the division for years. Now, he barley cracked the top 10 in points.” Bob Passwaters SR. added “He’s a punk. Nothing is below that man; well except for Woods Racing at the moment, I suppose.”

NORAD has confirmed that the anomaly is likely headed to Tony Urdiales’ operation in Portage County next.

Stay tuned for further information.

PICTURED: Pringle’s Ego spies on local Street Stock competitors in Northeast Ohio.

MIDVALE, OH. As I'm sure everyone is now aware, there has been big news released today that concerns our beloved local track and it's future.

I am of course referring to Ryan Shreffler's recent boycott of Activision.

Stay tuned for breaking news from your most trusted source in local motorsports.

👀

SITE CELEBRATES FIRST YEAR OF AWARD-WINNING JOURNALISM

MIDVALE, OH. Nearly a year ago, it became apparent to me that Tuscarawas County and our beloved Midvale Speedway needed a voice. Being one of the 7 people in the immediate area that could read, I felt obligated, to say the least. I am aware that most of you residing within surrounding area cannot understand my words, and for that I am truly sorry for what is the public school system within the county. However, my superior photography skills have no doubt filled the void where the written word could not for the more simple-minded amongst us.

I want to thank each one of you for following the page and sharing its contents to the outside world. Hopefully, we have many more years ahead of us.

Moving forward, please do not hesitate to contact me via messenger with your gossip, stories or inside scoops concerning our amazing sport and Midvale Speedway.

PICTURED: To celebrate a year of the best motorsports coverage in northeast Ohio, and probably all North America, here is a picture of Adam Mackey in drag.

VP HARRIS AND CNN DESCRIBE COMPACT DIVISION AS MOSTLY PEACEFUL; BOWMAN GRAY DRIVERS LOOKING TO DIVISION FOR DRAMA-FILLED INSPIRATION

WINSTON-SALEM, NC. Burt Meyers cradles his great-great grandfather’s Civil War Participation trophy as he talks about the compact division at Midvale Speedway. A seasoned veteran of the Modified Division at the legendary Bowman-Gray stadium, Meyers is no stranger to controversy.

“Red flags? We’ll talk about red flags. Women who own horses don’t put up half the red flags as the Midvale Speedway Compact division” he said. They’ll wreck on the track, they’ll wreck in the pits and they’ll wreck in the parking lots.”

Racing action was delayed for well over an hour as the division’s drivers decided to display their feelings using fists and bumpers. Track owner John Chapman described the display as nothing short of unadulterated anarchy. “We had grown-ass men fist fighting over who’s Cobalt was faster. Can you imagine something so moronic?”

Director of Tuscarawas County Fair Motorsports Ezekiel Miller has considered suing the division for conducting a demolition derby outside of the fair grounds.

PICTURED: Modern day centurions battle it out over $125.

BREAKING: RIPLEY’S FUEL TESTS POSTITIVE FOR ADRENOCHROME; LINK TO CLINTON FOUNDATION’S BABY-HARVESTING OPERATION SUSPECTED.

Illegal fuel additives have been common in motor racing since its inception. One local family though, may have found a previously undiscovered competitive advantage. Todd and Lucas Ripley have been known for harvesting the souls of their competitors within the Modified division. Now they are in the middle of a controversy which accuses them of harvesting something much darker.

A well-respected Q-anon Bishop / Street Stock competitor in Tuscarawas County recently made claims that the Ripley family was illegally adding adrenochrome to their fuel. This was brought to the attention of Midvale and Barberton Speedway tech officials and samples were obtained from both cars and sent to a local lab for analysis. Both Todd and Lucas’ fuel samples showed significant amounts of adrenochrome compared to baseline samples provided by VP Racing Fuels.

It is unclear what the connections are between the Ripley family, the Clinton Foundation, and the Hollywood elite, but it has left many community members deeply disturbed at the recent revelations. Stay tuned to Circle track United News of Tuscarawas for further information.

PICTURED: Lucas Ripley after a recent Modified victory.

COMPACT DRIVERS LEFT SPEECHLESS; SEARCH BEGINS FOR EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION MEDIUM AFTER PROFANITY BANNED FROM BEING DISPLAYED ON RACECARS

Local compact division drivers have been left wondering how they are supposed to convey their personal, religious, and political beliefs now that profanity has been banned from racecars at the Speedway. In fact, several Claymont High School participation recipients have voiced their displeasure over the recent profanity ban. “How am come child support, Obama, Natty Light, Cleveland Indians, Kyle Larson, Wuhan, tire dope?” grumbled Don Rufener III. A far more literate Jamie Leslie intervened: “Hell there used to be a time when a man could tell another man what he stood for. I could turn 17.4’s with the finest vinyl that Roger’s Flea Market had to offer plastered all over my 1998 Cavalier. Sure, some folks may have seen it as vulgar, but they were probably uppity snobs from New Philadelphia or Dover. Well, now, those days are long gone” he continued.

It is easy for people in more civilized regions of the world like those living in Stark or Carroll counties to look down upon the citizens/compact drivers of southeastern Tuscarawas County. Those unfortunate souls who only recently have discovered indoor plumbing, housing free of axles and bias ply tires, and internet service providers outside of America Online. Though many of them may not understand the written word as well as the rest of us, if at all, let it be known that their opinions matter, if only to them.

That being said, this publication is actively seeking a translator from the Barnhill/Midvale/Uhrichsville area to decipher the multitude of unpublished quotes that were given because I have no idea what these cretins are blabbering about.

PICTURED: Jamie Leslie aids in this reporter’s attempt to understand the knuckle-dragging mumblings of the inhabitants of the greater Ohio River Valley.

RECENTLY APPOINTED DIRECTOR OF CENSORSHIP CHRIS KAIL PUTS FOOT DOWN ON SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS OF RACECARS AT THE NEW TOWNE MALL CAR SHOW

NEW PHILADELPHIA, OH. Eleven-year-old Gavin Roup is entering his ninth year of competition at Midvale Speedway. He, along with many other competitors, show off their newly built racecars at the New Towne Mall Car Show every April. During the event, Gavin decided to post a picture of his car to various social media sites; and he wasn’t the only one. This has left newly appointed Midvale Speedway Director of Censorship / Adam Mackey impersonator Chris Kail furious.

Kail went on to rant: “These darn social media sites are ruining this event. People just simply get on Facebook to see pictures of racecars when they used to have to drive to the mall. It’s not like gas is $4.50 a gallon or anything. Well, not on my watch.”

Midvale Speedway competitors will now be required to submit all pictures of their cars to Chris for approval. If approved, the picture will then be posted on a track-sanctioned page. Violators of this policy will receive a 2-week suspension from the track. Repeat offenders will be banned or may have their assigned pit-lane space forfeited and turned into a handicap space for Barberton Speedway Compact competitors.

Kail scoffed and shook his head when asked if the social media posts may bring awareness to the event. “I am the gatekeeper of all information concerning Midvale Speedway. I, and I alone decide what information will be presented to the public, and in what manner” he said.

This publication can neither confirm nor deny the existence of the New Towne Mall car show in New Philadelphia this weekend. We also strongly discourage competitors from posting pictures of their 2022 cars in the comments section of this post without prior written authorization from Chris Kail.

PICTURED: An approved social media post sent to us by Director of Censorship Kail.

BRANDON SHORT WINS ENDURO; ROSENBERRY PROTESTS. FAMILY PLANS TO PURCHASE TRACK AND OVERTURN RESULTS

The compact enduro held yesterday at the Speedway was dominated by Brandon Short in his Super Late Model. Fellow competitor Alex Rosenberry finished a close second, though not without incident. The duo lapped the third-place car, a 1998 Cavalier, by 53 laps during the 150-lap contest.

Short ran an incident free race and was chased by Rosenberry who was involved in multiple accidents. Rosenberry commented after the race that the rest of the field should not be breathing the same air as him and his fellow Late Model drivers, let alone be sharing a track with them.

Rosenberry Towing abducted Short’s car from victory lane to an undisclosed location and is reportedly holding it ransom until either Short or the track owner gives into his demands. Rosenberry informed the track that his family planned to protest the results and if need be, purchase the track and declare him the true winner of the contest. The fate of Short’s car is currently unknown.

PICTURED: Brandon Short’s Super Late Model is abducted by Rosenberry Towing following the enduro yesterday at the Speedway.

LOCAL STRIP CLUB SENDS CEASE AND DESIST ORDER TO PEEBLES AND SPEEDWAY FOR USE OF HOGS HELPING HEROES TRADEMARK; ENDURO IN JEOPARDY

DOVER, OH. Moran's has been a staple of downtown Dover for decades. An experience at the establishment is akin to an experience of Dover itself, from an outsider's perspective. You feel the need for a shower immediately upon departure and you do not discuss it with family.

For several years now, the establishment has brought in comedian Amy Schumer as well as heavier "entertainers" from Gnadenhutten, Mineral City and Strasburg for their annual "Hogs Helping Heroes" Military and Law Enforcement Appreciation Night; a trademarked name that the owner claims was stolen. Two cease and desist orders have been sent to the Speedway's owner as well as enduro promoter Josh Peebles.

"It's a large undertaking getting these women transported here for our annual event. Christ, tractors, semi trucks, roll-backs, horse drawn canal barges, you name it. We use all methods of heavy duty transport to get these girls to our fine establishment in Dover. To have all that hard work and fuel money invested in an event just to have some racetrack promoter steal our name...not on my watch" the owner was quoted as saying.

Both Speedway owner and promoter could not be reached for comment.

PICTURED: Comedian Amy Schumer shows off her talent at Moran's during last year's Hogs Helping Heroes Night.

SOME MEN JUST WANT TO WATCH THE WORLD BURN; STOLL HOLDS BACK FELLOW OFFICIALS TO ALLOW DRIVERS TO FIGHT IT OUT

Local track safety director/sadist Austin Stoll revels in the misery of others. “I’ve enjoyed watching the crashes and subsequent altercations since I was a child,” said Stoll. “Some officials try and break up a fight, I feel it is my duty to stop them from robbing everyone of quality entertainment.”

Stoll rejoices in the on-track altercations so much he sometimes even aids drivers in their attempted assaults on one another. “I’ve been known to slip a driver a crescent wrench or a fire extinguisher during the heat of battle from time to time” he was quoted as saying.

Austin said his biggest reason for promoting violence over more diplomatic routes is to get the younger generations interested and involved with racing. “Kids have grown accustomed to violence; Hell, they love it. Between video games and television, we must find a way to keep up with that level of godless heathenry. We must capture the interest of the younger generations, so the sport does not die out. I feel as if I am doing my part in promoting local short track racing through the means of violent bloodshed and entertainment.”

Choose to embrace the chaos and join us every Saturday Night from April until October at the Speedway.

PICTURED: Stoll aids a local driver in a desperate struggle with a fellow competitor following an on-track incident in the Trophy Stock class.

COLLETTI PLAYS STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN DURING PACE LAPS, SEVERAL CARS RUN OUT OF FUEL

Flagman Terry Colletti is known for his enthusiastic flag waving as well as being an exceptional guitar player. The Speedway has made it a tradition to have Terry play the Star-Spangled Banner before the start of several of the larger racing weekends.

This weekend though, Colletti decided to play Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” during the pace laps preceding the Street Stock Feature. Seven of the fifteen competitors needed to pull pit side to refuel their cars by the time Colletti was finished.

“Although I do not condone postponing the start of the event like that, fuel sales were up 35 percent this weekend” track owner John Chapman stated. “This more than covers the cost of the stolen hamburgers.”

PICTURED: Kylee Wood and Ian Porco being towed to the pits to refuel before the race.

SEVERAL COMPETITORS COMPLAIN OF BLEEDING EARS, RUPTURED EARDRUMS; DRIVERS SAY THAT HELMS IS TO BLAME

Several competitors were checked out by local medical personnel following on track action at the speedway this past weekend. Injuries ranged from ruptured eardrums to partial hearing loss and even blood dripping from the ears of several competitors. Many drivers say that Matt Helms is to blame.

“We just had our 7th caution in our heat race, and I braced myself for what I know is coming” Modified driver Kevin McClintock was quoted as saying…. “CAUTION, CAUTION ON THE TRACK!!!! SLOW DOWN DRIVERS!!!! 87 TO THE TAIL!!! 99 PUT THE CHEESEBURGER DOWN!!!! 09 QUIT TRYING TO PASS THE 28!!! PEOPLE PAID DAMN GOOD MONEY TO WATCH GLENN JEWELL WIN THIS FEATURE, NOT YOU, DIPSH*T” Helms blared over the RACEceiver.

It is unclear why Helms feels the need to scream over the frequency, but many drivers say they’ve taken drastic measures to mitigate noise exposure during competition. “I just don’t use my RACEceiver anymore” one competitor said. “I’d just as soon go to the tail end of the field after every caution than to suffer permanent hearing loss.”

PICTURED: Helms barks orders during the modified feature Sunday afternoon.

HAMBURGLAR STRIKES AT FALL CLASSIC; 4 PACKAGES OF HAMBURGER REPORTED STOLEN

Four cases of frozen hamburgers were reportedly stolen from the pit side concession stand in the early hours of Saturday morning sources tell us. The act of Godless heathenry will result in a shortage; thus, hamburger prices are being raised by 35 percent for the remainder of the weekend.

“In all my years of being involved in motorsports, I have never seen anything like this” commented track owner John Chapman. “I mean, who in God’s name can eat four cases of hamburgers?”

Security camera footage is being analyzed by local law enforcement and they are asking for the public’s help in identifying the suspect. A rendering of the suspect has been provided.

PICTURED: If you have seen this man, please contact the Tuscarawas County Sherriff’s Department immediately.

INCESENT BITCHING BY LOCAL DRIVERS BREAKS INTERNET, SHUTS DOWN FACEBOOK FOR SEVERAL HOURS

A Facebook representative has claimed that overwhelming posts to the Speedway’s page have overloaded servers and shut down the social media conglomerate for several hours on Monday. “We have people engaging and complaining about several issues” one Facebook representative said. “Ranging from vaccine mandates to a free Taiwan to abortion issues, but nothing compares to the amount of traffic we receive from local drivers complaining about short track racing in Tuscarawas County” she continued.

Facebook was back up and running at the time this article was published.

PICTURED: Local driver Kyle Grove complains about an on-track incident that occurred with fellow driver Kenny Feister.

TO SAVE COSTS AND TRACK OWNER’S SANITY, COMPACTS TO RUN WITHOUT TIRES FOR CAVALCADE WEEKEND

Tire selection has become a growing point of contention between competitors in the compact division and Speedway officials over the past few weeks. To circumvent the issue, the Speedway has issued new rules banning all tires for the coming Fall Classic weekend within the division.

Head Tech official Dave Hoopingarner said this is the most cost-effective solution available. “All cars will run on either racing or stock steel rims with the tire removed” Hoopingarner was quoted as saying. “It’s a real win-win for everyone” said the track’s owner. “The guys within the division get to save some money, and I get to go about my life without receiving 57 complaint related messages every hour regarding tire selection. Frankly, I don’t know what I’m going to do with all my spare time now.”

PICTURED: Brent Shreffler and an unauthorized copilot test the new rules package ahead of the coming weekend.

SPEEDWAY TO VARY ADMISSION PRICES BY HAND SIZE, WISE GIVEN LIFETIME FREE PASS

We all know that it is commonplace for establishments to charge different rates for children. Restaurants, amusement parks and even our very own Speedway give discounts for children of varying ages. But how do you prove a child’s age? That is what the officials at the Speedway have been wrestling with for years. One worker believes he has the solution

“We’re going to measure hand size and prices will be set based upon the overall width of a given patron’s hand” one worker said. “This is to ensure fair pricing across all ages” he continued. "All children with hands smaller than Chad Wise will be allowed into the stands for free."

Additionally, Mr. Wise will be given free admission for life.

PICTURED: New speedway admission price guide.

NIGHT OF THE BLIND THIS SATURDAY NIGHT AT SPEEDWAY

The annual Season Championship Night of the Blind is coming to the Speedway this Saturday. To honor our fans and those in our community who are suffering from loss of vision, all divisions will run with blindfolds.

Braille is to be installed on the inside of the track and on the wall for drivers to find their way around the track. All cars will also be required to install braille on the entirety of their cars to identify themselves to their fellow competitors while on track. All races will be double points and champions will be crowned at the end of the night.

Blind folds will be provided to drivers free of charge by event sponsor Adult Mart of New Philadelphia.

PICTURED: Braille being installed reads “turn 4” & blindfolds that will be given to drivers.

LUKE BRYAN SPOTTED AT SPEEDWAY; SEVERAL FEMALE FANS SENT TO LOCAL HOSPITAL FOR HOT FLASHES.

Country music start Luke Bryan was spotted piloting the number 21 Late Model last weekend, racing under the alias Gage Jaberg. A commotion came over the crowd and several local women were rushed to Union Hospital suffering from varying degrees of hot flashes, heart palpitations and sudden onset vaginal moistness.

After the crowd had calmed down, track announcer Chris Kail interviewed Bryan and asked how he liked racing at the Speedway. “This is How we Roll” responded Bryan. He continued; “Those ambulances sure Kick the Dust Up and made it hard to see down into turn 1. Felt like a Roller Coaster.” When asked how he felt going into this evening’s feature race, he responded “I Don’t Want This Night to End.”

It took 7 ambulances in total to remove the stricken female fans from the premises and racing was delayed for nearly an hour while track personnel handed out towels to affected areas of the grandstands.

PICTURED: Luke Bryan poses with his guitar near his home in Nashville.

SLEEPER CELL SPENCER BOYD TAKES OUT MILLS AT BRISTOL UNDER BEHEST OF HOOPINGARNER

Multiple sources have confirmed that NASCAR Xfinity Series driver Spencer Boyd is in fact a Sleeper Cell Agent working for local retired racer Gary Hoopingarner. Boyd was programmed to dump fellow competitor Matt Mills upon hearing the words “magic shoes” last night at Bristol Motor Speedway.

Boyd was found wondering the pits after the race in clear confusion, mumbling “Hoopy Strong” repeatedly to himself with no recollection of what had happened.

Stay tuned for more on this breaking story.

PICTURED: Boyd & Hoopingarner celebrate in victory lane in 2019.

SAFETY DIRECTOR AUSTIN STOLL SAYS NEW SAFETY RULES COMING TO SPEEDWAY IN 2022

We are all aware of the rising costs of racing. Entry level compacts are now selling from $3500-$7500 with the upper-level classes costing even more. Those at the Speedway have listened to the complaints on Facebook of drivers over said rising costs and have made several key changes. To “keep the money on the track” the Speedway will be introducing new safety rules for the 2022 season that are intended to reduce the ever- growing cost of pesky safety equipment.

Director of safety Austin Stoll has asked us to pass on the following information to the drivers:

1) Drivers will be given used bicycle helmets donated by the Salvation Army of Tuscarawas on a first come first serve basis. If you do not get a helmet, FIND SOMEONE WHO DOES AND SHARE.

2) A 300-foot roll of 550 paracord will be available opening night for drivers to construct their own safety belt apparatus. Each driver can take as much as they want to secure themselves within their respective machines. We want our drivers to be safe!!

3) Drivers are no longer required to wear SFI rated suits, gloves, or footwear. The drivers will be sprayed with a fire-resistant powder from a fire extinguisher when they roll across the scales for prequalifying tech.

4) NASCAR has convinced everyone that they need one of these fancy head and neck restraint devices so I suppose we will as well. Each driver will be required to bring their own bungee cord to wrap around their necks and the ends will be secured to the roll bar behind the driver’s seat.

5) Finally, buzzed driving creates on track excitement. All drivers will be required to maintain a BAC level of .08 - .1 before going on track. This applies to qualifying as well. Beer will be provided free of charge in the tech area and a breathalyzer test will be conducted on each driver before they go on track. If while on track a driver feels that they have dipped below the .08 threshold, the driver should immediately remove his or her steering wheel and hold it outside of their window. This will signal our crew to throw out the caution and the afflicted driver will be allowed to come into the pits. Once in the pits the driver will consume a beer, be tested with the breathalyzer, and return to the track all without losing their place.

Stoll emphasizes that driver safety is paramount to the Speedway and that if anyone has a problem with any of the rules, they will be banished to Barberton Speedway hence forth and forever.

What do YOU think of the rule changes? Let us know below in the comments. Also make sure to like and share to spread awareness to other racers.

PHOTOGRAPH: Compact regular Timmy Kalp models new safety equipment/measures that will be mandated in 2022.

MORE THAN 320 SETS OF AMERICAN RACER 970 TIRES LEFT IN AFGHANISTAN FALL INTO HANDS OF TALIBAN

The U.S. led invasion into Afghanistan occurred some twenty years ago. During that time, massive stockpiles of military equipment, weapons, ammunition, and American Racer 970 tires were stockpiled. The abrupt withdrawal has left much of that to fall into the hands of some of America’s most hated enemies.

More than 320 sticker sets of American Racer 970 series tires fell into the hands of the Taliban late last week. A boneheaded decision that has left many Americans puzzled. “We can always build more tanks and helicopters, but we currently have a serious shortage of new racing tires” one local said. “We could have fit them all in a single C-17. What a waste,” said another.

The move has been an unpopular one nationwide but now that this story is coming to light, many say that the President has some serious explaining to do. President Biden couldn’t be reached for comment on the tire controversy as he was too busy trying to compile a speech from a bowl of Cheerios.

Stay tuned to Circle track United News of Tuscarawas for the latest breaking news in our area.

BELOW: Troglodytes celebrate around stacks of captured American Racer 970s while a s*x slave provides additional entertainment.