Múgambi Múriúki

Arsenal 4-0 Newcastle in the 75th minute is a perfect time to remember Chiek Tiote.

Man we used to be down bad!

My cousin Munyi Kĩraikũ must be individually contributing 15% of the 25.6% that has put Embu County men 4th among to***co smokers in Kenya as of 2022.

Akihamia kwenye anajenga Mũkothima, Tharaka Nithi shoots to number one and we drop to position 22.

Considering Njũkĩ, who died in 2022, may have contributed 4%, we are currently below the national average of 11.1%.

If we hide a few retired teachers, we'll be competing for last position with Wajir.

Simbũ mathematics!

Do people change that much as they age?

You get a friend request from a profile you absolutely can't recognize. You dig a bit. Kufika hapo 2015, ndio unapata, Aaah, kumbe ni huyu!

Ni evolution ama mko na mambo ingine?

Sometimes hata makosa inaeza kuokolea. My friend Kĩmani was once friendzoned badly. We used to ask him, How can you be frienzoned while it is well known that Kĩmani is bull of smell (breeding bull)?

Kĩmani, however, had accepted his fate, and they even called each other bro.

One day, the 'sista' sent Kĩmani a meme. By means of typo, he replied, Akili MTI wangu.

The girl replied, Kĩmani you are naughty.

The rest, as St. Thomas Moore Ngũviũ Boys alumni would say, is Ngwanjũrano.

Looks like Nelson is not a particularly nice name to give your child eh?

I always wonder,

If you happen to swallow an insect that causes a disease, e.g a mosquito (and other insects that we bike riders often swallow), can it still infect you?

I have been bothered by this question since those days when my mother used to threaten that swallowing chewing gum and eating rotten mangies would make me sing hymn number 27, Nĩnjangĩte.

Bwana time is flying.

Yaani wale jamaa tulikwa tunaitana 'Wasee eeh' last week, hii wiki tunaitana,

Wazee eeh!

Wazee aah!

Wamama eeeh!?

Ladies, mko na bahati sana Catholic priests do not marry.

The way those fellas appear like they are tough pale kwa confession booth, sidhani wangewahi kubali makosa yoyote kwa ndoa.

My niece Carole, with an 'e' she insists, will find a way out of anything she does not like.

Today she has sat her mother down and insisted that she should not be assigned that much chores. The government has instructed so, she says.

I asked, which government, Karo?

She said, Its Carole! With and 'e'

I asked, Okay. So which government?

She said, Say Carole nicely then I'll tell you!

So I did.

Then she said, Leo kwa news waziri amesema tunafaa kupunguza mzigo wa Carole!

Aaah! I have laughed.

WE have laughed. Me and Carole, as her mother frowned.

At six, my girl is already perfecting daddy jokes!

I had decided against it, but I think I am going to gift her my book 'Excuses for Every Situation.'

She deserves the soft life, this one!

Ndio sisi hawa tena.

We are now entering the zone where women experience the pain of Eaten Fare.

Hata baada ya kumpapasa na title ya 'House Manager' mwaka mzima, Mboch amepokea fare na bado harudi. Hakuuuji!!!

Kibwagizo ni kile kile,

Auntie Liam, Bado unakuja?

Mliteta ile sikukuu ingine ati wamekuja na Odi Dance k**a zawadi kutoka Nairobi.

Hii nayo mtatii!

Kila kitu huko kwenu, pamoja na kuitwa 'stuff,' lazima kitumike kuunda content. Si ng'ombe, si watoto, nyanya zenu, sufuria, na hata choo za shimo.

Brace yourselves!

Sent Tomas Moore Aquinas Gîserorî, mpo?

Lakini huko High School hata sijui slang ilikuwa inaundwa na formula gani.

K**a pale St. Thomas, sijawahi elewa vile gumzo, yaani story, ili-evolve mpaka ikaitwa 'Mlela' and, eventually,

NJERÛ.

My people say, Mûrinda ndigû na kîvîcî acemanagia na mûgati njîrarî.

Loosely translated, 'If you secretly hide a banana bunch with a young lad, you will meet with the stalk on the road.' This is to mean the uncircumcised boy will eat the bananas and expose your secret by leaving the stalk in the open.

I once taught my old man this the hard way.

One day, the MB and his agemate were slandering a fellow agemate just like agemates do. My father happened to say, "Ng'ania has a dark heart. If he was a teacher no child would ever pass exams." I was around and happened to catch the slander in passing.

Now, on another day, Ng'ania passed by our place and decided to check on The MB. My dad called me to say hi and posed the age-old village question, "Do you know Ng'ania?"

Quickly, I responded, "Of course I do. Isn't he the one you and Ûria were saying has a very dark heart?"

The awkwardness.

Suffice to say Ngania's visit did not last long. And I never heard my old man gossip again.

Msiwahi niambia maumbea zenu mimi!

Signed,
Cuma Ya Reli

Fixing the nation since 1976.

They say education is the greatest equalizer of the rich and the poor. I say the internet too.

Nakumbuka huko 2000s I was the oppressor huko After ile ngoma ya Binti Kiziwi imetoka, I used to solicit favours (not the ones you're thinking) from people ndio niwatumie hiyo ngoma.

Same thing na ngoma za kina Matonya, Kidum na Juliana Kanyomozi.

And I'd only send it to you under oath that you won't share it with anyone else.

Siku hizi watu wanaona Maria hata kabla iletwe kwa TV.

Weh!

Kuna time nilikuwa nimeanza kwenda morning run na evening jog huko kwetu Kigumo.

Nao watu wangu ni kina nani?

Wakaanza kunituma jumbe na mizigo to deliver on my way.

Hivyo ndivyo niligeuka from a jogger to a traditional messenger.

Saa ingine niko jogging lakini niko na jogoo nimetumwa nipeleke ama navuruta mbuzi ilikuwa imeperekwa kwa mruke across the ridge.

Nikaona hizo tabia za mjini haziwezi apply kijijini.

Nikasare.

Naughty Embu people are often heard telling innocent gatherings,

Let the claps be clapped!

Or

They did not sleep!

Mannerless!

Think

Ever noticed how differently we gift our parents?

Often, when we gift fathers, we buy them personal items -watches, phones, knives, name it.

Then we gift mothers items to take care of us. Cooking oil, cookers, washing machines, utensils. And the occasional kitenge.

Its almost natural. If your mum is not the demanding or nagging type, you may subconsciously forget to get her anything for herself.

But this christmas that won't be subconscious, because I have reminded you.

Think.

Watu wa corporate hamkuniambia lugha ilibadilika since I was here last. Nimetumwa niite mtu nikamwambia,

Unaitwa na Manager.

Akaniuliza, Mgani?

Nikamwambia, Yule mfupi mnono.

Akaniambia, Sioni k**a tutakataa na wewe sana.

Juu ya why now?

Lakini Wakamba ni nini mnafanyiaga Ben Mbatha saa zingine?

Kuna time mtoto wa Beth huimba na hasira sana.

Alafu hizo ni dance styles gani sasa?

Msinione bachelor hivi, kuna time niliwahi banniwa na mpens kuskiza na kuimba ile ngoma ya Daville, 'Always on My Mind' juu,

Morio! Unajaribu kukumbuka ex juu ya why? Hizo ni mawhat those? Ah!

There is a segment of society I really admire. Those who pay back with that popular Newton's Law - Equal and Opposite reaction. Nothing more, nothing less.

Unaskia jamaa ameambia mwingine, Umbwa wewee!

Jamaa anajibu, Hata wewe Umbwa wewee!

Jamaa 1 anasema, Kwenda huko usitusumbue!

Jamaa 2 anajibu, Usitusumbue, hata wewe ukwende huko!

Jamaa 1 anasema, Nitakugonga ujisahau wewe!

Jamaa 2 anasema, Pia mimi nitakugonga hivyo hivyo!

I
Kĩmani anakwambia, Hakuna vita tutaona hapa mzee. Tujipee shughuli.

It still bothers me that this guy brought a girl to his crib, fed her uji and ugali as one meal, and still never understood why she vamoosed without goodbye.

Karî kî wonire, Ûkîrakara?

For foreigners of the tongue, he asks her what it is she saw that made her leave in the night of the night. It might interest you that the girl sneaked away as our guy had gone to inform his mum not to wake him early because he had a visitor!

Man, some songs are for entertainment purposes only. That, or eras are so different!

SAMMY MURAYA- KARI KII (OFFICIAL VIDEO)

But Murife was running away from such small dogs. Not my hero!

Murife on Twitter “Mûrife has no friends. I should introduce him to Mûgendi, who would tell him, Mûrife, nî gûthiî rîu!”

Let them advise you but never let them decide for you ~ Murife, 2022.

Today marks eight years since my friend Kang'ethia refused Ai! Ai! to return his undergraduate graduation gown. His department had set a fine of KES 500 for each day skipped after the stipulated return date.

Fanya hesabu.

I thought that I would use campaign money to bring the Pinjot back to life. Now, even the election month is not over and it has already developed an insatiable appetite.

After I told it that I don't have any more money, it asked me, Na za agent je?

When you spot those Bomet County workers who decampaigned their governor going home, look closely. My mechanic will be among them.

Home, for many of us, is where we spend time pretending that we don't sell our souls for a living.

Hakuna kitu hunisumbua k**a hutu tuvijana hukuja kwangu na kuniambia I am their mentor.

You see, every now and then, I go out and do something good. Something as small as encouraging a kid who is looked down upon by their peers or giving a microphone to a kid who feels confident enough to commentate a football match. Or just engage them when they come with their 'N nn ss' texts to my inbox.

Sasa nikipatana na huto tuvijana mitaa ya kati nikiwa katika harakati zangu za kufanya dhambi. Tunakuja tunaniambia 'By the way niliappreciate sana. Wewe ni mentor wangu.'

Sasa inabidi niachane na dhambi nibehave vizuri juu sasa kwani nitakuwa mentor mbwakni hata mimi? Ah! They torture me, these ones! They don't know I am of Tenda Mema nenda zako ulevini movement!