Ell Kennedy: The Straight Up Stepmom

I think as stepmoms we can all say is we’ve grown in one way or another. This quote applies to all of us in whatever moment of our journey.

accurate af

I made a lot of mistakes as a stepmom. I was unprepared for the blended chaos and conflict, I went unheard with my normal, reasonable expectations and standards, I was dismissed.

I’ve moved to a very healthy place and slowly our one child who is estranged from us is coming around. However, when I’m asked to keep it a secret from her mom that they were here? I struggle with that. It indicates and highlights an unhealthy dynamic between a child and her mother that she has to keep staying a night with us secret.

Do you think it’s ok that adult children keep secrets from a bio parent or step parent?

Facts. And it can sting. But once you’re free, you won’t remember the sting.

“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.”
Maya Angelou
I went to see Angelou before her death. Her demeanor was gentle but her messages were strong and clear. I've thought about getting this quote as a tattoo.

I was well into adulthood when I met my husband. I had a good career, had lived a great singles life, dated and loved - thought there was nothing I couldn't handle. But stepmotherhood I wasn't prepared for and it nearly did me and/or my marriage in. I made big missteps under the heaviness of unreasonable expectations and pressure.

Reposted
Can you all believe it’s been 5 years since our release in 2018. We will be doing some fun things in the coming week to celebrate and we can’t wait to hear from all of you incredible blended families.
Much love!

If you aren't familiar with Jeff Duncan, he's a politician in South Carolina. I've included what his wife has requested from the courts. They have three grown adult children.

What do you think about her requests?

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Today I was listening to Joel Olsteen while caring for my mom. She can't do much these days due to a devastating illness.
But the message resonated with me - in two areas of my life. I feel a calling to share and I pray it will help you in your stepmom journey.

This is one of the the verses shared:
Exodus 14:14
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Before I talk about my stepmom chapter let me tell you another chapter that I've been dealing with: A catastrophic health condition my mom suffered. A condition that took her mother at a young age. This was one of my mom's greatest fears. My parents are elderly but in general have been healthy. My mom had cancer. She beat it. My Dad has cancer - it's well managed. So to have this happen was quite a kick in the gut for all of us.
Because of my faith, and the message Joel spoke today, I am at peace with the current situation. Is it hard? Yes. Do my emotions fluctuate? Absolutely. But I've learned that I must be still. I do what I can and while doing it, I pray - for my parents but also my step kids and our journey.

My husband and I had our kick in the stomach in our blended family several years ago. It followed one of the greatest blessings we have been bestowed. So then to have it all ripped out from us was devastating. My husband and I came thru the teen years with my steps battered and bruised, as close to separation as one couple can get before divorce.

In desperation I had only one place to turn: my faith.
I begged for help, enlightenment, Grace, instructions to fix this horrible situation. And then there it was: "Be still. You can't fix this".

Often in the early years as a stepmom I thought it was ME that needed to help everyone. The ex, the kids, my husband. That's what we, as parents, often feel compelled to do. I went overboard and often screwed up things more than helped.

I myself, trying to help everyone else was struggling and drowning in my own hopelessness in my family. The family I just wanted to love. My husband, the man I knew on the second date I was destined to marry. I just wanted to get along and be one healthy, happy family. So I cried out "God what do I do?". I often felt I was the problem, I would never be accepted by the mom or the kids as long as she was hurting.

First: He gave me understanding. Our lives are sometimes difficult. Sometimes we have to work harder but other times, we must be still. He showed me the difference.

One of the ways he gave me understanding: resources. The first was Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. This book literally saved me because I was contemplating su***de or divorce or both. This book was validation to all the emotions, the confusion, the desperation I had been feeling over the years. This book opened my eyes that it was not *I* that was the problem in this divorced chaos my husband, his ex and their kids were embroiled in. I couldn't fathom that a mother could tell her kids things that their mom told them. I was good enough to raise her kids - just not good enough to be loved and appreciated by them. Sadly this also robbed the kids of a beautiful relationship, a bonus parent who wanted nothing more than to love her family.

⚡⚡⚡

Then I went on to *listen* to Blend by Mashonda Tifrere on Audible. (Some of us recognize her name from "back in the day". Mashonda is a music icon and was married to another icon, Swizz Beats. They divorced. When her ex met and married Alicia Keys, this became her prompt to healing in an effort to Blend with her ex husband's new wife and the stepmom to her son. I'm pretty sure it will be the greatest gift from mother to son to her ex and also, stepmom.

🙌🙌🙌.

This lead to healing - surprisingly not just as a stepmom but as a woman, a human. This led to a new enlightenment. This pointed me back to my faith. It also made me realize that I tried to build a nuclear family out of a broken one - a family foundation that was already fractured. And it redirected me back to embracing to step back and be still. There's some things I can't fix.

So ladies, if stepmom life feels chaotic, conflicting, and or confusing, seek resources to better understanding of not your situation, but theirs.
Step back and be still. That in itself can being much needed clarity.

❤️

Reposted I don't know who needs to hear this but...

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They tried to make me believe this. They want me and especially my husband to believe I'm wicked - and that in itself is sinister.

This is a must read for anyone going through a divorce, co-parenting after divorce or remarried and blending.

When divorced parents are focused on their position instead of their purpose, their ego, pride and arrogance are fueling insecurities, regret, and discourse (just to name a few of the emotions) instead of purpose fueling peace, consistency and compromises for the entire family unit. .

Almost daily I receive Instagram messages that are specifically about this chapter of my book (Hold On, But Don’t Hold Still). Today I received a message from a woman who tried some of the things that helped me while navigating my divorce, and said it turned out to be the best day her kids have had since their parents divorced. Those types of messages make me cry like a baby!
I love you all so much and I truly want the best for you. It’s been my goal from the beginning through everything I create to be for others what I needed when I was at my lowest.
Every marriage is different, every divorce is unique, every re-marriage and co-parenting situation has its own challenges. And so while not everything about my personal struggles and small victories will be relatable to you, I’m glad to know this chapter is giving some of you a new perspective, support and hope... not from an expert, but from someone who still, frankly, struggles with the messiness that divorce brings.
If you are a divorced parent, and especially if your ex is involved in your kids’ lives, I hope this chapter helps. If you can’t afford the book or just don’t feel like buying it, you can probably find it at your local library.
Love you all! ❤️

I just read a post in a stepmom group and she was discouraged with the amount of venting and/or complaining by fellow Stepmoms and/or nacho-ing the stepkids

Only fellow Stepmoms know how difficult being a StepMom is. But it's a slap to the weary Stepmom's face when a fellow stepmom judges them so harshly, especially not knowing their exact situation - while we shares experiences, every blended family is different and how each person in the blended family responds is also a variable.

I've heard often from Stepmoms who are also bio mom's that parenting is difficult but being a stepmom is H-A-R-D. In fact, they often say it's the most difficult role. And the ones who are venting, complaining and nacho-ing? Those Stepmoms are likely resentful. They may even love their steps but they are getting little to no support or encouragement from their spouses and most likely are torn down by the HCBM. It's hard to build a relationship with the kids when there is so much interference. The step parents are probably disrespected by the children. We are often are the subject of intense gaslighting. When the mom doesn't get her way, she makes every thing a living hell but all under the ruse of "protecting HER children".

When I became a stepmom a number of years ago I was completely ignorant of what post Divorce chaos was. I had envisioned us as a big, happy family. I hoped the mom and I would be friends. I don't know that I could've fully prepared myself for the dysfunction. My husband completely unaware that his children could be so hateful and the tension between us could be cut with a knife. That they were determined to break us to in order for their "real" parents get back together. The divisiveness was intense.

I failed to realize and thus respect the fact that my marriage was built on the loss of another. I had a number of long term relationships prior to meeting my husband in my late 30's. I had a respectful relationship with them post breakup. I was shocked at the vitriolic behavior by the mom when my husband and I got married. She was devastated. And the kids knew it. They became her confidant and shouldered the heavy weight of her sorrow while my husband and I were celebrating our wedded union.

Eventually we got custody. It was a big miss-step that still stings today. The mom enjoyed kids free weeks while I was doing all the heavy work - homework, extracurricular activities, dinner, everything while working full time. My husband traveled a great deal for his job so it was up to me to get everything done. I became resentful fast. I held birthday parties, hosted sleep overs, did everything only to be unappreciated and even made fun of for my efforts - meanwhile the mom was praised and showered with forgiveness and excuses.

Arguments often would arise. It often was the narrative about me being "too hard on the kids", "need to relax" or for having "unreasonable expectations" when honestly, I had normal, reasonable expectations and standards for the kids. My husband, even as a child of Divorce was torn between siding with me or the kids - either way he was screwed with his choice.

As the kids grew older, they did what every teen does and what kids of Divorce do - they monopolized on the discord between their mom and Dad and I. They manipulated. To add insult to injury, mom often would lie for them. Cell phones were weapons for disruption and division. When we would try to enjoy a family vacation, mom texted them constantly. When the kids got mad at either me and/or Dad, they would text their mom with complaints and she didn't disappoint them. She indulged their dramatic, often manipulated or made up stories.

The dysfunctional chaos broke me. I had zero self esteem/confidence left and even still struggle with it despite my husband FINALLY seeing the horrific distortion of reality his kids project.

In closing, I just want to say if you get along well with your spouse's ex, I'm happy for you and a bit envious.
But please understand that your experience isn't the same as everyone's. If you have an uninterrupted bond with your step kids, I'm thrilled for you. Understand though we likely have tried over and over only to be dismissed, discussed and derailed We often invest our most precious commodity: our mental well being. Stepmoms suffer from a depression rate 57% greater than biological only moms. We often stand next to and support parents who are subject to extortion, threats and manipulation that should be held in the greatest contempt by the courts. Where a parent or parents use their children as objects, weapons even against the other or against step parents. Second+ marriages fail at a greater rate than first marriages because of the oppressive, chaotic and dysfunctional behavior in the family.

So while I appreciate your concern, appreciate your situation. If you are shocked with what you are seeing or reading? Read our emotions. We are exhausted mentally.

Parents, remember this when you are raising your children.

It really isn't about you!!

What are you feeding your kids mental health?

We've all seen the "say no to drugs" campaign posters or social media posts like this showing how drugs affect ones health, their looks. They are very startling, shocking aren't they?

The same destruction occurs to our children's mental health when we teach them and give them permission to lie - especially when it's a parent encouraging and condoning their kids to lie to another parent or authority figure. While adult and child may benefit in some way with the lie, the cost of robs and slowly destroys the child's mental health, their confidence, their self esteem. That cost is simply too much for whatever gains you perceive.