Aypem Poetry

Thank you SO SO SO much for all the new followers. I cannot even begin to express how much it means to me to have so many people following my poetry page. I am so grateful to all of you!♡

November 7, 2021
"But I can't walk to heaven and I can't rescue my brother from hell,
I'll sit and wait and hope this fate finds you better than the last,
to come out more than a fully bloomed dandelion,
more than the kind of bloomed that chokes out gardens
and creates tasks on what should be just a nice summer evening,
but spent weeding the hell you expelled from your mind and handed out as gifts of the worst kind to everyone that truly loves you."

-Alyssa P. Marks

March 5, 2023

"I know I'm off centered
When I feel like I'm watching myself
speed away into the distance

Faster, than faster

Keep telling myself
No, let's do this first
Deal with this

Until I'm watching my life roll by
Like the credits to a movie I never watched

Only paid the bill
Bought out the entire theater
Paid for the production

Paying for a plot I never even got a part in."

-Alyssa P. Marks

1-6-24
"I keep seeing videos asking people to show the best view they saw in 2023 and to this day the picture that I see in my head is you standing by that fountain.
I can't tell you why taking pictures of you infront of that fountain made me so giddy
Perhaps the idea that I could capture that moment of pure happiness and hold onto it long after all the happiness fades and I can't take pictures of you because you don't come around anymore.
And that's okay because I have that one day in April or May when you stood infront of that fountain
And to this day, you were my favorite view of 2023."
-Alyssa P. Marks

January 1st, 2024

"Death is something that we as humans aren't made to know how to handle.
I am someone who would like to work in a morgue, I am, in a way, comfortable with death.

It's the dying that I don't know what to do with, watching all that someone is become someone they were,
feeling pressured by the last grains of sand flowing to the bottom of their hourglass.

I am not bothered by the dead;
it's the space they leave behind once they're gone that I have a problem with

How does one's absence seem to fill up more space than their life?

Love with no where to go gets heavy,
keeps filling the space where you used to be, but I carry it with me now

Reminds me of the keepsake I received from the funeral home,
A heart filled with your ashes
I was surprised by the weight of it;
What a perfect metaphor,
my grandmother's ashes
locked inside a heavy heart."

-Alyssa P. Marks

A Psalm of David
February 1, 2016

"The Lord is supposed to be my shepherd,
But now I wander lost

I know very little of still waters and I'm drained from the day to day by the Riptides that have been pulling me away

I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
and most nights I fear the most evil once the paranoia sets in.

I call out your name but still have nightmares of anguish that leave me shivering in a cold sweat.

He sets a table before me in a home recently lost.
The food is moldy and the people are all gone.

My cup runneth over with misplaced guilt but most nights it's because I'm too drunk to know when I've had my fill.

I fear I will dwell in this house of loneliness filled with bricks and everything I've missed forever.

The memories line the walls filling my mind long enough to keep me occupied when I take a stroll through the valley of
'I wish I was dead',
calling out to the lord,
please, finally,
fix my head."

-Alyssa P. Marks

10-11-2021
"It was the year it snowed all summer,
the nights lasting till dawn,
knowing that never again would we live days like those
Like sand in an hour glass the days slipped away without us noticing
And just like that the snow stopped
and I'm left with the faded memories dropped in a heap at the bottom of the hourglass,
like dirty clothes piled at the bottom of the stairs.
And I'm left to say goodbye for the millionth time
And I know when you come back 'round you'll be different than before,
each time grieving the parts of you that are no longer there
There's no use is crying out,
'oh my brother where have you gone'
These memories come at a price
Constantly losing you over and over
I long for the connection, my big brother.
Please dont ask how many brothers I have,
that in itself is a question I can't answer.
What is a brother but the first friends that leave you behind
What is a big brother
And have you seen any of mine?"
-Alyssa Marks

Sunday February 12th, 2023

"The journey of healing has been successful.
I don't hold onto this grief because I'm afraid to let go of my sadness,
This grief has been holding onto me because i know how to feel this grief without being consumed again.
Remembering you reminds me that you are not Here and you never will be again and it fills my body with cold;
And it has nowhere to go.
It's almost like you've been gone forever;
The memories we share part of a past life, one that I'm no longer in.
Sometimes the days pass slowly,
Years quickly,
Making time a distorted image
Can't remember how many years it's been
Too many since you've been gone
But not enough to distant the wound between earth and heaven.
It's like nobody saw me crying while you were dying
Nobody saw me try to follow close behind
Should have spoke more clearly
Didn't know everyone only saw my projection
I bled all over everyone
Owing apologies
Heavy with grief,
My head was fu**ed
I'm not making excuses
I'm just needed a goddamn hug."

That time I caught feels and wrote about something other than sadness.

5-16-2022
J with two Ks.
“If I could, I’d write you into somewhere
better than where you are now,
Where everything is already fallen into place,
Full of certainty and self contentment;
But I can’t write you out of where you are at,
Even the caterpillar feels pain as it’s old body dies
And a new one forms inside it’s protective shell,
Transforming into a totally different being
No longer stuck low on the ground
No longer bound by the laws of gravity;
You are no different,
You will break free from your chrysalis once your
wings are formed enough to fly
But if I could,
I’d write you out of this painful process called metamorphosis,
But I can’t write you out of your own reality
So I’ll write you into where you take me:
The comfort of the ocean in your eyes
With the peaceful chaotic calm of a sunset
dipping below the seemingly endless horizon,
Pictures would never do justice,
and photos won’t ever be able to capture the bright sun
appearing over that horizon,
No longer so far away,
brought closer every time you smile
Paired with your laugh,
it’s like the warm ocean air,
Sun beaming down on my pale face
The feeling of actually feeling alive,
like twirling around, arms outstretched,
feeling the sand under my feet
as the tide chases my toes;
Like this is the only place on earth that exists
when my own laughter comes easy,
Time flows,
And I belong.
I look at you and see so much more
Than you will ever know
But you must realize by now
That not even the butterflies
Can see their own wings,
They can’t see the beauty they give us
And even if you never truly see what I see,
Please, come to me once in a while
And I’ll remind you of the places you take me
when I look at your face.
And I know this is kind of cheesy,
But this is Wisconsin,
State of cheeseheads and dairy,...So I will not apologize for art.”
-Alyssa P. Marks

Amateur poem I wrote the other night as my sleeping pills were kicking in.
12-11-23
Tell yourself to leave
To turn it down
To turn it off
Keep the voices sinister
Until the smirk of another curls at your own lips
Can't recognize yourself in the mirror
That can't be me
This is all a dream
What used to make you feel the happiest usually leaves you wishing you were dead
I want to be as emotionally dead inside as you so this would stop hurting.
I strive to be as cold
To be as distant
To confuse the world around me with being inconsistent
When your actions and words don't match up
Who fu**ed you up
This much
To f**k this us
These past lovers
This situationship
Is mandatory to earn this dissociates degree
Disconnected from reality
Is the only way for me to stay alive
In this sentence of life.

November 28, 2023

"Too many people lost you that day
Too many possibilities of your life
Taken away at such a high speed
I get lost in thoughts of your last moments
Wish I could have held your hand
Thanked you for keeping your promise
Vow to always look at your watch and remember all our times
Highway to heaven
Sped so fast there
The batteries on your watch died years back
Forever stuck on the evening of October 25
4 years now and time still stands still."
-Alyssa P. Marks

'Almost 365 Days Ago'

"I can't stop thinking about the night we slowed danced in my kitchen to no music at all, swaying back and forth in the first hours of the new year; if I could bottle up a moment I would have kept that one forever, saved it for a rainy day when it doesn't hurt so much to look back on everything we almost had."
-Ayssa P. Marks
12-2-23

November 25, 2023

"My favorite memory of you

(Home)

That day in the summer
When we sang in the shower
You formed my wet hair into a Mohawk
Took a selfie of us together
Pretending to be fountains
Spitting water in each other's faces
Arms posed above my head
Statuesque pose broken by laughter
Music playing in the background
(Home)
I asked you the name of a song
I couldn't hear your answer over the water beating into my ears
I've searched for that song for years
(Home.)
I'm still searching for that song
You died before I could ask you twice

My favorite memory of you
So vulnerable

(Home)

Can't hear that song without thinking of that day in the summer
Making fountains

My favorite memory of you
(Home.)"

-Alyssa P. Marks

Just to be clear, this old poem is not a reflection of anybody else but how I was feeling at the time.

February 9, 2022
"When spring cleaning comes in January cleared out all my stuff
Your house is no longer cluttered
Took up too much space
No more room to put all these things I accumulated throughout the years
All the things you never wanted there in the first place
Should have given you more to miss
How many times can I hear
that happiness cannot be found with me.
Lost cause.
Don't mean s**t.
You cleaned out your house of all the mess.

It's me.
I was the mess.
It's a terrible type of lonely emptiness knowing my absence is a good thing.
My absence makes things better.
It always has."
-Alyssa Marks

October 30th, 2023

Jesus loves you
He died for your sins
So when you die
you can finally feel what
being alive should have felt like

Jesus,
Please tell me why this life
You decided I needed
isn't what it should be
I'm sorry I don't appreciat
This life of mine you died for.

November 6, 2023

We sat in the car
Back where it all first started
in the parking lot by the lake
and you told me how much I meant to you
and I cried
because I believed you
and then one random day in October
you said you found another
and you couldn't do this anymore
and you had to go and find yourself
That day in September when you told me "you don't have to worry about that"
And I cried
Because I believed you
and I cried
because I had believed you.

October 30th 2023

Anxietys got a hold on my body
Fingers crossed the Xanax hits
Not a recreational drug when you just need to feel normal
like the reality of someone leaving doesn't feel like the end of the world
sending my stomach into knots,
twisting with my inability to turn off these thoughts
Emotional regulation is not my strong suit
I hate being alone
but I rather you be happy
but it still feels like dying to let this go.

Tuesday June 21st 2022

(Sober)

"I'm losing my f**king mind
Keep telling everyone I'm fine
Don't sign on that dotted line
snort it instead
Hand me that straw
Keep telling myself this is living
High to get me to and through the lows
Hit repeat, call it a cycle not an addiction
Believing this sadness isn't more than just my chemical imbalance is like me still believing that these drugs still get me high."
-Alyssa P. Marks
(Drugs and mental illness do NOT go together. At some point you have to decide to choose your mental health over the buzz or high.)

I just wanted to quick post and say that if you ever think you know who a poem is about, you're probably wrong. My poetry is not to point fingers or place blame, or make anyone look bad, my poetry is an art form that allows me to not only get feelings out, but also create things that other people can relate to and hopefully feel less alone in. If poetry makes you feel something, well, good, that's the point ♡

September 4, 2023

"A guy once told me that it's too bad I'm so tied to my past

It's too bad that I still grieve my loved ones who have passed away

It's too bad that I still cry every year on the day of their passing?
How can you tell me it's too bad that I'm tied to the only thing I have left of them?

It's too bad that my body still relives the trauma of assaults whenever a man gets too close

I don't hold those memories, I have not tied myself to those memories
I did not do that
You did not do that
But he talks like it's something that I did in unfairness to him

A guy once said it's too bad I'm so tied to my past
He didn't mean that it's too bad that there's things in life that have bound me to the past
He meant that it's too bad that my past, MY grief, MY trauma, MY mental illness keeps him from getting what he wants

What that guy fails to realize is that his attitude towards those things that make getting what I want more difficult is what kept him from getting what he wanted
His inability to accept me as I am, his inability to meet me where I am is what stood in his way
His idea of who I am and who he wanted me to be got in the way of him accepting the reality of who I really am.

I am more than the idea of me you have in your head.

If you try to force a butterfly out of its chrysalis before its ready you'll kill the caterpillar before it even grows its wings."

-Alyssa P. Marks

This is for the people who's trauma has been invalidated in the name of "family"
Who have been told they need to let their abusers be part of their lives just because "they're family"
I hear you. I see you. And I'm sorry.

"But at the end of the day that is your father"
As though those lines should trigger some form of guilt for the years of silence
For the years of freedom from abuse
As though the biological title of "father" would be enough to over rule the the truth.
"But that's your father"
And what a sad reminder that is to those who's fathers sentenced them to life full of trauma.

I have no idea how to write a numbered poem so this isn't a numbered poem, just something I wrote to get my feelings out.

September 9, 2023

1.My heart aches for you
It never stopped
2. I would have found my way back to you
I would have unblocked your number and made a fool out of myself
It'd be nothing new
It was always gonna be you
I was too late
Or maybe I was too early
Depending on which light you look at in it
I used to be able to remember the years date for date
Now it's all just a blur
One memory lumped together to make a total sum
You've been put into a box
Filed away with the rest of my memories
Fading away as the days grow further from the last parts of you I have left
And what I have left of you is nothing but what I can hold,
I have a hard time keeping track of numbers and dates and how many years you've been gone
How longs it been now
Am I supposed to remember my 20s or just survive it?
Aren't I one of the lucky ones to be able to live past 25?
Or 27? Now 29 and what I can remember
I have to count on this brain to keep you alive
Too late
Too soon
Too insane
Too infatuated
7. My skin still goosebumps and runs cold because you're gone.
4. For these people are worth more than to make it on a numbered list in a poem
Because there really aren't enough lines in any poem I wrote to truly convey how much I f**king miss you.
4. It's almost been Four years since you've been gone and I think i miss you more now than I did then. It's a different kind of miss. Like missing something you never really had to begin with that Is only just a memory now. I miss you. I just miss you so f**king much it f**king hurts.

-Alyssa P. Marks

September 2016

And last I saw you you were laying in a box with your arms placed neatly across your chest.

All the years that went by but you never left my mind.

And I thought one of these days I'd see you and we'd talk about how different life is since 17.

Last we spoke in person we drank a beer together,
saluted the end of highschool and you got on your bike and peddled away

And the next time I saw you, you were in a box with your arms crossed on your chest and soul somewhere that I cannot comprehend.

This world is so fu**ed up and I never got to say goodbye and I never thought I'd have to.

Now all I have left are pictures, memories that have long since expired since we grew out of being kids,
and a ratty old sweatshirt that used to be your favorite

And I still need to say goodbye but I can't see you and I can't touch you and I don't know what to do with the 6 feet between us because I never got to say goodbye.

•In loving memory of Samantha Wilsing.•

September 2, 2023
Doodled a poem about what was in my head:

"I feel like my generation is full of people who wouldn't fight off a murderer because we've already been fighting for our lives for decades and we're ready to go.

The generation that goes on rusty fair rides because if it breaks we'll probably die, great ride either way.

We don't wait for fake friends to stab our backs, we instruct them to aim for the heart and make it worth the pain

Generation that sang, "I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me"
And actually meant it.

I'll die in my father's home long after he's gone just because I'll never be able to afford my own."

-Alysss P. Marks

Selling paintings!! Prices in descriptions.
Sorry the pictures aren’t the best, they looked a lot more clear on my camera…new pictures coming soon.

February 3, 2022

"My big brother can build anything he sets his mind to

His ideas, creativity, and craftsmanship are enough, that,
if he had the direction and self-discipline
he could really almost take that place on top of the world that he thinks he already has.

My big brother has built book shelves, bird houses, lamps, bed frames, and so much more.

He's had this creativity his whole life.
He spent his whole life constructing and building his own world,
his own space, his own bed.

Maybe that's why my brother stays awake for days, he refuses to lie down in the bed he's made for himself

Deconstructed by his own talented hands
unharnessed by his imbalanced brain."

-Alyssa P. Marks

July 18, 2023
[Please never stop sharing your pictures and memories with us, no matter how many times we've seen them, always share them.♡]

"Losing a loved one is more than losing a person

It's half filled photo albums marked empty by the gap in the family photos

It's birthday candles never lit, because they were never bought,
Because you're not here to blow them out.

It's days marked with reminders of the memories never made

Death is the most concrete 'almost';
faded into could have's, would be's and should be's like wishes thrown into a fountain

He should be here to see this, she would have loved this

Regrets of years of silence sit at the bottom of the fountain,
Nothing but worthless wishes now

I watch as my friends family share birthday wishes from years prior, there are no pictures they haven't shared,

What an awful emptiness
To only be able to share times past because the future went on without you, 7 years without any new pictures, how quickly we run out of memories and long for more."

-Alyssa P. Marks

"There will [probably] always be a really long list of reasons why killing yourself would be better or easier than the list of reasons to stay and give recovery a good try..
But I think that list will always be there,
I don't think it necessarily gets "better"
But I do think we have to make a conscious decision to not think about why dying would be easier..
Maybe that longing to die will never really go away,
You just never stop looking for reasons to stay."
-Alyssa P. Marks

May 27th 2023

•Not a Morning Person•

"When I say I am not a morning person
it's not because I don't enjoy the calm
still and quiet beauty of the morning

But rather because every morning wakes me with a jolt that sends my heart racing,
glares at me as I open my eyes,
arms crossed, says mockingly,
"And you're still here?"

When I say I am not a morning person,
I mean every morning I am mourning,
sick with reality and stress
because I have no idea
what I am doing.

And every morning is still a process of,
"I'm still here" and seizing the day

And I'm still learning how to say that
with gratitude,
And not like every morning
is a sick joke
and me waking up to see it
is the punchline."

-Alyssa P. Marks

if I'm half the woman my mom is someday ill be lucky.

November 21, 2020

"In my family there are no traditions to remember,

No candles to never forget to light

The only second language there is to keep fresh on my tongue is manipulation..

The only game my family really ever plays together is dodge ball

Learned the craft of walking softly to keep the sound of egg shells cracking under our feet quiet as we walked around the house

There were no list of rules tacked on the wall, but i watched my mother follow them all
Learning to fold her hands together for more sincere prayers, looks at her 3 children and hopes God is actually listening
Begs Him to take away her pain as she tries to stand up straight,
The obvious curve of neglect in her way as she puts on a brave smile, spending time with her abuser just so her young kids can know some sense of family
Knowing when to leave when the speech gets too slurred, trying to hide reality but never keeping it secret
All the while never teaching us how to be cruel, despite her family thinking she paints them as villains

Goes to church every sunday and is seen as unholy
Goes to see her family but is now too holy
Too righteous
Too high on a rightous horse while their bodys decay from crack co***ne and alcohol

I learned to not speak of the warmth I knew from my meme, aware of the chill it will send my mother...
Deprived from warmth her whole life, no wonder shes always wanted to go south

How does one not spend their life chasing the warmth when their whole life they've left out in the cold

Trudging through the dark, nothing ever got better, she hid all the ugly she could,
Only ever trying to get us to see love while standing in the negative light,
While everyone else enjoyed the shadows.

Funny after all the years, there is no more spotlight, my mother has finally left that stage
The auditorium lights are all turned on and I can see all their faces, no more shadow to hide their flaws..

My whole life I always just thought my mother glowed, shone so bright, I didnt know that the glow were really just burns."
-Alyssa Marks