Modestly Mindful

We are offering a free 1-hour online session on self-compassion on Monday, August 29 at 6 pm Eastern. We’ll cover what self-compassion is and why it is so important for well-being. We’ll talk about research on the benefits of cultivating self-compassion, and also address common misgivings, such as the perception that self-compassion is ‘weak.’
We will then offer some simple practices to bring more self-compassion into your life. For more info and to register, check out this link: https://www.modestlymindful.com/copy-of-1-hour-intro-to-self-compassion

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1-Hour Intro to Self-Compassion | Modestly Mindful Learn more about the benefits of self-compassion in this free webinar. We will also cover some simple practices to bring more self-compassion into your life.

To deeply understand ourselves, we need to be aware of all aspects of our experience. We need to be playing three-dimensional chess. But our thinking mind wants to turn everything into checkers.

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It is easy to think there is a difference between meditation and the rest of our day. Here is an observation about that from Jon Kabat-Zinn:

“The real meditation isn't about sitting on the cushion and focusing on the breath, although that is extremely important. Real meditation is about how we live our lives moment by moment. How do we walk in the door at the end of the day? How do we say hello? How do we hug our loved ones? Are we there or are we on our way to doing something else?”

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Free 1-hour intro to mindfulness class on Monday, August 8 at 1 pm Eastern. I'll go over ways to bring more mindfulness into even the busiest of lives, and provide a framework that makes the practice more accessible. This class is similar to what I offer folks in healthcare--lots of in-the-moment practices to gain some balance in the midst of difficulties. For more info and to register, check out the webpage, and feel free to contact me if you have any questions!

1-hour Intro to MIndfulness | Modestly Mindful I’ll be offering this class on Monday, August 8 at 1 pm Eastern. This session also serves as an orientation for the 8-week Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course I’ll be teaching starting on Monday, August 22 at 1 pm Eastern. If you want more info about the MBSR course, click here. To ...

From Jeff Warren, one of my fave teachers, on the value of even micro-moments of self-care. If this seems too long, at least look at the first sentence in the third paragraph. Wow.

“The essence of self-regulation is taking breaks. It’s about interrupting the cumulative flow of stress and work with clear demarcated time-outs. If we wait for these moments to happen by themselves, they won’t. We have to treat them as part of our job, the “insulin” our metabolisms need in order to function properly.

“It doesn’t even need to be some special self-care activity. Just breaking up the day with a mindless chore – grocery shopping, the dishes – can help. Any kind of grounded activity where you’re not spinning away inside your problems (or your phone) is a form of self-regulation.

“Most of us don’t want to face the brutal truth that the damage we do by not taking time off--damage to our relationships, to our work, to our own selves--can neutralize the good we do by sticking around. Self-regulation isn’t some indulgent luxury add-on. It’s part of being a responsible member of family and society.”

https://jeffwarren.org/articles/lets-help-regulate-each-other/

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In mindfulness, we talk a lot about being in the present moment as a way of freeing ourselves from the energy we devote to ruminating about the past and future. And that is a good thing because it brings more ease into our day and helps us to more fully experience the people we love and the things we love to do.

But sometimes we can get a little neurotic about this—trying to cling to the present moment as a way of escaping from thoughts about the past and future. So it helps to be a little more nuanced, and recognize that what is really happening is that by attending to the present, we are releasing ourselves from unhelpful, repetitive thought loops. Doing that allows us more access to our innate wisdom and creativity, so the present moment becomes a place where we can skillfully learn from the past with an eye towards the future, rather than trying to escape from thinking about the past and future at all.

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Anxiety is often a plague that threads through our lives, requiring a full court press to keep it from running the show. However, Ellen Vora, M.D., in her book The Anatomy of Anxiety, points out that sometimes anxiety can be a valuable messenger. She writes that when our lives don’t align with our values or capabilities, we can feel anxious. When you listen closely, this anxiety can point you in the direction of actions you need to take as well as the unique contribution you are here to make.

Rather than asking, “How can I stop feeling so anxious?” she says we should be asking, “What is my anxiety telling me?” This form of anxiety is not what’s wrong with you—it is your mind and body fiercely alerting you to the fact that something else is wrong. Anxiety of this sort may stem from being in the wrong relationship, feeling disconnected from other people or from nature, or even living in a world marred by injustice. It calls for careful inspection instead of struggling to remove it.

The koala, by the way, is kindly wishing you a life unfettered by any kind of anxiety. Easy for them…

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This is a bit long, but it says so much. By Rainer Maria Rilke

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

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A quote I often read to classes, from Bhante Gunaratana’s book Mindfulness in Plain English. It normalizes the universal frustration of trying to meditate and having your discursive mind decide to drive you nuts.

“Somewhere in this process, you will come face to face with the sudden and shocking realization that you are completely crazy. Your mind is a shrieking, gibbering madhouse on wheels barreling pell-mell down the hill, utterly out of control and helpless. No problem. You are not crazier than you were yesterday. It has always been this way, and you just never noticed.”

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It may seem frustrating to sit there and try to follow your breath as your mind pummels you with thoughts. But noticing that, and returning to the breath again and again, helps you build the skill of being outside those thoughts—being above the waves. It just takes time and practice and patience.

Your discursive mind has had decades to convince you that it is the center of your awareness. You will start to have glimpses where you see that is not the case, and over time those glimpses can coalesce into longer moments that allow you to be more of who you are. Or at least that is the idea. I’m still working on it. All the time…

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I’m not sure where I read this, but I like it: “What your mind inclines towards plants the seeds for the next moment.” We all talk about being in the moment, which is truly a good thing. But one of the nice things about being in the present moment fully is that we can then set our intention for how we want to be in the next one.

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A fine meditation pep talk from the book Now What?: Meditation for Your Twenties and Beyond by Yael Shy at NYU:

“Your unique messes contain the seeds of everything you need. They hold within them real love for yourself and others. They contain the path to healing and to liberation. By returning to who you are in meditation, by deeply understanding your emotions, your suffering, and your interconnection with the larger world, you water these seeds. Eventually, they break open, revealing your strong and vulnerable heart, able to hold all of your pain and all of your joy.”

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There is a great saying that Tara Brach often uses: “The world is divided into people who are right.” I was reminded of that when I read this quote from the book The Tao of Conversation by Michael Kahn:

“If I ever could be freed from having to prove I'm right, prove you're wrong, decide which of our competing views is right, then new possibilities open up. If your view is different from mine, once I'm freed from the “rightness” problem, I can listen to it with considerable interest to see if it contains some beauty or delight for me.”

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We are offering a free 1-hour online session on self-compassion on Tuesday, April 12 at 6 pm Eastern. We’ll cover what self-compassion is and why it is so important for well-being. We’ll talk about research on the benefits of cultivating self-compassion, and also address common misgivings, such as the perception that self-compassion is ‘weak.’
We will then offer some simple practices to bring more self-compassion into your life. For more info and to register, check out this link: https://www.modestlymindful.com/copy-of-1-hour-intro-to-self-compassion

Photo by Alfred Schrock on Unsplash

1-Hour Intro to Self-Compassion | Modestly Mindful Learn more about the benefits of self-compassion in this free webinar. We will also cover some simple practices to bring more self-compassion into your life.

One of my mentors who teaches mindfulness in elementary schools talks about the sadness he feels when he sees children change from having an open, joyful curiosity about everything to becoming obsessed with appearances and acquiring whatever is popular. This is essentially the process that Jiddu Krishnamurti spoke of when he said, “You think you are thinking your thoughts, you are not; you are thinking the culture's thoughts.” Mindfulness and spirituality is largely about undoing that conditioning, which is a different process that Pablo Picasso captured nicely in this poignant quote: “It takes one a long time to become young.”

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Master teachers can fit a lot of goodness into a few words, even if sometimes they sound a bit crusty. Like this quote from Sayadaw Tejaniya (http://ashintejaniya.org/):

“The wandering mind is not the problem; it is a natural mental activity. Your attitude that it should not be wandering is the problem.”

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Here is another short definition of mindfulness I like: “Mindfulness is about realizing that the mind is somewhere other than where we would like it to be.” The greater our ability to notice where our attention is--and to redirect it to what is really important to us--the greater our ability to transform our experience of life.

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Another poignant quote from Sam Harris, this from the Moments part of his Waking Up app:

“One of the most mysterious things about the mind is the inordinate power of thoughts. Recognized for what they are, thoughts appear to be utterly without force. But, unrecognized, they seem to totally define the contours of our minds. There is a paradox here that we must keep surmounting. You are not who you think you are, but if you allow your thoughts to go unobserved, you are condemned to be who you think you are.”

https://app.wakingup.com/

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In mindfulness, there is this idea of a feeling tone. The feeling tone refers to that first hit of judging an experience as pleasant, unpleasant and neutral. That happens so fast that we think it is automatic, but it is something we can observe as we build the skill of being mindful. And it is worth doing, because the next thing that happens is that we start to cling to or resist or try to ignore what is happening. And that is how we often make ourselves more miserable than we need to be. So tuning into that first hit of pleasant, unpleasant or neutral becomes a way of delinking that chain so there is less reactivity, and then less suffering.

Of course, what judgement can you have of a baby owl other than simply awesome…

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In mindfulness, there is a lot of emphasis on the present moment. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t learn from the past with an eye to the future. I love this quote on the subject from Sam Harris:

“Take a moment to think about your relationship to your future self. This is the person who's going to inherit the results of what you do, or fail to do, today. If you drink too much tonight, this is the person who will suffer the hangover tomorrow. If you neglect your primary relationships in this decade of your life, this is the person who many years from now may be lonely.

“It's perfectly rational for you to care about the experience of your future self, and it is important to recognize that there's probably no person on earth who is in a better position than you are right now to ensure that your future self lives a good life. Every day is an opportunity to be kind to the person you will eventually become. Why not do that?”

https://app.wakingup.com/

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People often talk about “letting go” of difficult thoughts. And that is usually interpreted as somehow magically making them disappear. But wanting to do that simply gives the thought more power—it keeps coming back with more and more force.

Letting go really means letting go of holding on to fighting with a thought. Letting go of our desperate desire to make it go away. A better term is “letting be.” Realize that it is in the nature of our conditioned minds to generate these kinds of thoughts, and by letting them be we can begin to slowly free ourselves of the control they have over us. Or at least that is the idea. If you figure out how to consistently do that, let me know!

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A nice mini-motivational speech to support a mindfulness practice. By Sam Harris:

“One of the most mysterious things about the mind is the inordinate power of thoughts. Recognized for what they are, thoughts appear to be literally without force, but unrecognized, they seem to totally define the contours of our mind. There is a paradox here, that we must keep surmounting: You are not who you think you are, but if you aren’t observant of your thoughts, you are condemned to be who you think you are.”

https://app.wakingup.com/

Photo of thought-observant owl by Dennis Buchner on Unsplash

The teacher Sam Harris likes to point out that we are all experts at one thing in particular: practicing being the same person we were yesterday. For me, this is one of the cool things about taking even a few minutes to connect back into the present moment. You get to see all the unhelpful habits you automatically drag with you into that present moment from all your previous moments. And once you see them you can begin to choose your response rather than react from old habits. You realize that there is truly nothing you can do to change the past except stop repeating it in the present.

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I came across this Albert Camus quote. It seemed a propos for this time of year, at least in the Northern Hemisphere!

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”

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Non-judgmental acceptance is a big part of mindfulness. But it is important understand that acceptance is not about “giving up” or “giving in.” When you accept a situation, it does not mean you agree with it, or that you like it, or that you won’t eventually do something to change it.

Acceptance means that we stop fighting what already is. Or, more specifically, we stop fighting our automatic reaction to what already is—a reaction that often limits our options and makes things worse. Acceptance gives us the chance to see how our reactions contribute to the problem, and from that more open place we are better able to find a wiser response to a situation. We can outsmart the situation rather than have it outsmart us.

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A nice new year’s haiku by the 17th century Japanese poet Mizuta Masahide:

My storehouse having been
burnt down, nothing obstructs my
view of the bright moon.

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We are offering a free 1-hour online session on self-compassion on Tuesday, January 11 at 6 pm Eastern. We’ll cover what self-compassion is and why it is so important for well-being. We’ll talk about research on the benefits of cultivating self-compassion, and also address common misgivings, such as the perception that self-compassion is ‘weak.’ We will then offer some simple practices to bring more self-compassion into your life. For more info and to register, check out this link: https://www.modestlymindful.com/copy-of-1-hour-intro-to-self-compassion

Photo by Alfred Schrock on Unsplash

1-Hour Intro to Self-Compassion | Modestly Mindful Learn more about the benefits of self-compassion in this free webinar. We will also cover some simple practices to bring more self-compassion into your life.

From the Al-Anon book Courage to Change:

“Resentments mark the places where I see myself as a victim. I want to let them go because they cost me too much self-worth. I will love myself enough to release myself from the closet in which resentments keep me locked.”

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A quote from one of my favorite mentors, Stan Eisenstein:

“Why do we do mindfulness and meditation? It is about recognizing that for whatever degree of difficulties we have, we usually add to our suffering by grasping for things to be other than they are. Ultimately, we’re clinging to our sense of self as a thing rather than a process; a process that arises from a continuous and interconnected flow of existence.”

https://www.staneisenstein.com/

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It is the time of year to give gifts, but the best gift you can give to someone is simply the power of your presence. This quote by the poet Mark Nepo says it nicely:

“To listen is to lean in softly with a willingness to be changed by what we hear.”

You really can listen someone into a deeper understanding of themselves. And you can be transformed at the same time. Chia pets are cool, but never underestimate the kindness of giving someone your compassionate attention.

https://marknepo.com/

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Another pithy definition of mindfulness I enjoy. This from the teacher James Baraz:

“Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).”

And what image is better to convey that than a tufted-ear squirrel?

https://awakeningjoy.info/

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From a daily reading in the Al-Anon book Courage to Change. They are speaking about the regenerative power of cultivating gratitude:

“If I can’t recognize the love that already exists in my life, would I really appreciate receiving more? Let me acknowledge what has already been given to me.”

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Dr. Jackie Gardner-Nix has done a lot of work on helping chronic pain sufferers through mindfulness. She makes this cogent point to encourage us to be more present in our lives:

“Mindfulness is often practiced intensely by one segment of our population: those who are dying. For many whose days are numbered, mindfulness returns and they begin to savor all of their moments, particularly if they have good symptom control. They even appreciate the mundane.”

From her book The Mindfulness Solution to Pain
https://neuronovacentre.com/

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Although I am by no means a mental health professional, as a mindfulness teacher I enjoy learning about acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), because it uses mindfulness in very creative and flexible ways. I came across this observation by psychologist Russ Harris, who teaches ACT and has some great online courses:

“When clients blame others for their problems and want to control them, we might kindly and gently point out that it’s impossible to control other people. But you can influence other people. And if you want to influence them in a constructive and healthy way, then you will need to have a lot of control over your own arms and legs and mouth.”

I’m not sure how a cute baby penguin is related to this. But I like the photo.

Image by Siggy Nowak from Pixabay

https://www.actmindfully.com.au/

I really love this Mr. Rogers quote (Fred, not Carl!):

“I need thinking time when someone asks me a searching question. I wonder why it seems to be so uncomfortable for many people to wait through the silence. People of all ages have deep feelings, and if we have the patience to wait through the silence, it’s often astounding what people will tell us.”

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Al-Anon is a 12-step program for those who have loved ones who struggle with addiction. It is a wonderful program of self-discovery and self-care--all within a supportive group--and I can’t recommend it enough. Courage to Change is the title of one of their books with daily readings, and here’s one about how each of us can arrive at our own sense of what it means to meditate:

“What is meditation? Al-Anon leaves that question open for each of us to answer in our own way. Drawing upon the experiences of other Al-Anon members can help us to find our own path. Here are only a few of the ways members of the fellowship have shared:

“To me, meditation is a higher spiritual awareness. I practice remembering that every action can serve a spiritual purpose.

“I go to a quiet place, close my eyes, and repeat the words of the Serenity Prayer to myself in a gentle voice.

“I need to get beyond my thoughts, so I concentrate on my breathing, counting from one to ten over and over as I breathe in and out.

“I simply step back and watch my thoughts as if I were watching a play.

“I try to keep my attention on the present day only, leaving the past and the future alone.

“I focus on a flower. When my thoughts stray, I accept that my mind is just doing its job—thinking—and then gently return to my subject.

“In my mind, I picture my Higher Power’s hands. One by one, I place my problems and worries, my joy and my gratitude, into those hands, and finally, I climb in too.”

Photo by Hans Vivek on Unsplash

Sam Harris on how we so often miss what is right in front of us because we’re looking right through it. You have to read this kind of slowly—or at least I had to!

“Meditation is like the great equalizer. You do not have to live with the illusion that you need a good enough reason to be in each moment and that things are going to get better. Eventually you get the lesson that you never quite arrive. You don’t arrive until you see what it is like to step over the present moment in search of the next thing. We are stepping over the thing that we think we are seeking in the very active seeking it.”

https://app.wakingup.com/

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Free 3-Week Online Course: Self-Compassion for the Holidays

The holiday season can be a time of connection and joy, but because it involves human beings, it can also be kind of complicated. I offer this course annually to provide resources for when things aren’t as smooth as we would like.

This consists of a set of 3 free weekly online 90-minute classes starting at 7 pm Eastern on Thursday, November 30. The first class will cover resourcing techniques—both physical and mental—so that if things get prickly, you’ll be less likely to add your own reactivity to the mix. The second class will draw on exercises from the research-based Mindful Self-Compassion program to help you bring self-compassion to difficult situations. The final class will work with the traditional loving kindness meditation in a way that cultivates the ability to offer that quality to ourselves and to difficult people in our lives.

For more details about each session, and to sign up, you can review the course webpage at the following link.

https://www.modestlymindful.com/self-compassion-for-the-holidays

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Self-Compassion for the Holidays | Modestly Mindful This year’s free online 3-week Self-Compassion for the Holidays course will begin on Tuesday, November 30 at 7 pm Eastern. Each class will last about 90 minutes with a break in the middle. Here are more details about the class: