My Time Counseling Services - Dr. Ellerman

The best way we can help our children learn how to self-regulate is through modeling. This can be done in the moment...so when your child is experiencing high emotions, respond in a calm manner (calming tone, speaking slowly and clearly) and show them ways in which they can calm down (deep breaths, counting, walking, washing hands, etc). You can also model self-regulation when you get upset "mama is feeling frustrated right now and needs to take a deep breath", "I am getting mad so I am going to step away for a moment to calm down". This helps normalize the calming behavior for children and shows them healthy ways to self-regulate when they have hightened emotions. We can't expect them to do it if we don't do it as well!!

The new Su***de hotline number is now 9-8-8! It is no longer the 10 digit phone number! This will be easier to remember and hopefully save lives so please share with others this change!

Many times when we think of bullying, we think of teaching our children how to reach out for help when a victim of a bullying incident. I think it is often overlooked to define what bullying is and how sometimes our children may be bullying as well, even though that is not their original intention. Help your child know the difference between teasing and bullying by highlighting these 4 boundaries by ACAC.

It is important to have an open conversation about what to do when children feel they are being bullied.
But don't forget to also have a conversation about avoiding becoming the bully by being aware of these boundaries!

I was listening to a podcast the other day and they made a claim that eating disorders had become an epidemic post pandemic. But I'm going to take that one step further and say that I believe body dysmorphia is an epidemic amongst adolescents post pandemic.

Most teenagers I see at some point in their time with me will spend time talking about their lack of self confidence in at least one physical aspect of their bodies. Now yes this may seem like a typical phase for teenagers to go through but let me paint a picture for you:

COVID shelter in place order that lasts at least a year, more for others, meaning teenagers are at home doing school. Also means more screen time, more social media, more focus on the self, more focus on comparison, more independence, and for some less parental guidance and support. Fast forward to "normalcy", or in-person school where friendships built behind a screen now have to bravely come to life. "Glow-ups" (individuals who have either lost weight or gotten makeovers during shut down) emerge and increase in popularity. This "glow-up" also creates opportunity for more comparison.

Please pay attention to your adolescents, girls and boys. Teach them body positivity which is highlighting things they love about themselves but also body neutrality which is recognizing that we are more than our bodies and we hold more value in what we bring to our relationships and who we are as human beings.

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A year ago today I started my own private practice and today marks another milestone of having my own office! I'm so excited to share this journey with everyone! I can't wait to make this space comfortable and inviting for all of my clients! Please bare with me as we make this transition over the next 2 months together!

This is an excerpt from one of my favorite books I reference in my practice often. This quote can take meaning in different ways to different people but when I think about my clients, both old and young, I think about their time in session. For many of them, just having someone to listen to them without judgement or fear of consequences is the greatest gift. Just having that cup, that person to listen to them does a world of good to someone. Some sessions are challenging and clients face difficult conversations but at the end of it all, it is important that they felt heard.

**Be careful not to get numb by repetitive behavior to where you miss the human and purpose behind the behavior!**

Whether you're a teacher, parent, counselor, administrator or anyone else caring for children, it is difficult to see underneath a behavior when it is negative and happening repetitively. But don't forget that behavior is a way of communicating! Don't let the behavior define the child!

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Name Update!: It took me quite awhile to think of a name for my counseling practice that embodies what I value as well as communicates to others their value. When clients come to My Time I want them to know and feel that the time spent in session is solely theirs. It is their time to talk, cry, scream, vent, explore, play, or even sit in silence. Their time is only for them in a space free of judgement and free of someone taking their spotlight. It's not about my agenda or plan. It's not about their family's agenda. It is their time to speak, act, and be in a safe and comforting environment. This is what My Time embodies and I am so excited to continue this journey with a great name and logo to reflect it!

Many of the adolescents I work with love to play cards, and let's face it, so do the adults! One way to incorporate coping skills into our sessions is to review these cards that give a variety of ways to manage stress and difficult emotions. This particular card is one that resonates with many of my clients because it is easy to focus on things that are out of our control like others emotions, the weather and, for many of my adolescents, finances.
This encourages clients to think about where they put their energy and what things they can leave to others.

Anxiety Coping Strategy: "Categories"

If you or your child is struggling with anxiety there are a few ways to manage an anxious moment. One I try and share with my child and adolescent clients is called categories which is a grounding technique. Grounding techniques allow us to remove focus off of anxiety and on to a simple task until we are able to refocus in a healthy manner. Categories is when you/child comes up with a category and names five things. For example: restaurants- Burger King, Krystal's, taco bell, Applebee's, and Olive Garden. Once that category is done, pick a new one (stores, movies, clothes, songs, etc) until you/your child feels able to tackle the task at hand.
It is an easy skill that is discrete and gives clients time to refocus and try the task again!

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Today's topic: sibling conflict
Doesn't matter what age your children are, there is bound to be conflict at some stage in their young lives. There are usually 2 perspectives I hear from parents on the issue: it's no big deal/that's normal OR I'm really concerned about their relationship. And quite frankly both have some validity. It is normal and healthy even for siblings to have disagreements at times and there may even be periods of time where they may not communicate with each other. It becomes a concern if it is a long running conflict that is never truly resolved that impacts the mental health of either/both children. How this can show in a child's life is by one or both bullying each other, acting like neither exist, and constant comparison which could lead to depression and anxiety.

What I suggest:
~spend one on one time with each child doing something they enjoy (this builds a stronger relationship so they are more likely to buy into your advice about sibling relationships)
~find something for the children to do together that they both have interest in OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL AND AWAY FROM FRIENDS. (Peers have a strong influence on sibling relationships and often are not positive). This can look like going on a hike, going shopping together, working on a project at home, watching a TV series together

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Today's topic: pandemic induced anxiety and phobias

Most people have experienced some type of anxiety due to the pandemic. Children and teens are no different. I have seen a fair share of clients struggling to get back to normalcy whether it is related to social life, daily routines, or academics.

What do I do as a parent/teacher?:
- validate feelings "I know some times it feels scary to go out" "I understand your concern about your health"
- limit media exposure (this includes TV, radio, and social media)
- create positive conversation: focus more on feeling safe rather than avoiding sickness or death
- support what they need to do to feel safe: if they need to carry hand sanitizer or wear a mask, support them but also encourage them to get back out in the world and socializing while feeling safe

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Some of you may know that I have recently started services in a school system working with adolescents. Most anyone would say this is a difficult age to handle but I think it's also important to remember this was a difficult age to live through.

Here is something to keep in mind: behavior is always a form of communication.

Someone recently asked me how I was doing clinically in the school system and this was my reply: I feel privileged. I am one of the only, if not the only one, who gets to know why these adolescents react, behave, feel, and think the way they do. Teachers and administrators mainly see the behaviors and sometimes see a little beneath the surface but I get to enter their world. I am informed about the details of home life, relationships, and coping skills whether positive or negative. Is it a lot to carry? Absolutely. But I get to make a difference, I get to be an ally, and I get to inspire.

Disordered eating: there are many factors that can impact someone's view on food and body image (I will cover others later). Today I want to focus on vicarious learning which is fancy language for learning from watching and/or hearing others. A common factor I have seen in clients with disordered eating is things they hear while growing up. Yes media plays a part in that but there is a strong influence of what adults say about themselves in front of children. Client's have said "my mom always said 'big, fat mama coming through' or would say 'mama's too fat for that'". They mean seem like harmless comments because they are about oneself and often times are said out of humor but children learn and understand from others.

Here is what I suggest: alter the language

For instance, while putting on makeup: "I put on makeup because I think it's fun and I enjoy doing it"

Working out: "I want to be strong and active to keep up with your energy"

Eating healthy: "my body is telling me I need more nutrients and vitamins"

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Today's topic: Love Languages
Now I know you're probably hesitant about this topic especially as it relates to kids, but hear me out. If you are unaware of love languages, in short, they are ways in which we receive love best. Some feel love and connected through physical touch, some through words of affirmation or gifts, etc. Usually this conversation is pertained to couples, but it can go for any relationship.
When talking with teens, conflict with parents and friends are usually at the top of the list. 95% of the time I ask them "do you know your love language" and "do you know ____ 's love language?" It is important information for them to know because maybe dad is showing love by giving the teen gifts because that's how he feels loved. He is unaware that the teen feels most loved by being told they are loved and valued.
My challenge to you: figure out your love language first, then ask your child when they feel loved the most. I can guarantee your connection will be deeper and more fruitful!

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I've talked to several parents in the past week and one thing I've noticed is that many parents think their child/children have it easy. While it is almost a reflex to compare childhoods, we must remember that each generation is different and come paired with different challenges. Something to consider: the younger generation today is surrounded with various avenues to being bullied (in-person, online, video gaming, etc), they are growing up in a world where isolation and masking is encouraged...literally, they are exposed to alternate realities (VR, gaming, etc) that many times seem better than their current reality and even have an opportunity to recreate themselves when they are done with their "old selves. It's complicated and it is a challenge for them...just like growing up may have been a challenge for you too. Be careful not to dismiss their experiences.

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Waiting in line at the doctor's office and a mom and younger girl are behind me.
The girl said: "I don't want to have my blood drawn. I'm scared".
Mom replies: "I promise it's going to be just fine"
I cringed because she made a promise she couldn't guarantee. As parents we say things like this to comfort our children but what happens when that promise is broken? Unfortunately we can't predict the future. Something better would be: "I know you're scared, I can hold your hand if you'd like" or "it's okay to be worried, would you like to hold your doll to help comfort you?"

Validate their feelings and then comfort them with things you can guarantee like your support and love!

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Teenage anxiety: in my practice, and hearing from other professionals, there has been a significant increase in teenage anxiety. Developmentally, some anxiety at this age is expected. However, the level of anxiety we are seeing is on the rise. What are some contributing factors? Social media, transition from virtual learning to in person, medical effects of covid, and the political climate. I think it's important for caregivers and teachers to be intentional about checking in on teenager's experiences and perspectives. Many times I hear: "I try to talk to ___ but I only get one word responses" or "___ stays in their room all day". My suggestion, change your questions up! Do you ask the same question or type of question everyday? Change it up, ask something that requires a deeper thought that won't elicit a yes/no response. If your teenager is in their room frequently, give the space BUT check in and frequently remind them that you are there for them.

A past case to share: teenage client stayed in their room often and parents were concerned. However, the parents often used negative connotations and criticized how often the teenager was in the room. When talking with the teen, they said "being in my room is safe space, where I am not judged by anyone and not required to be a certain way. There are many times though when I wished mom or dad would just come in and say that they were there for me if I needed something so I felt comfortable outside my room too"

Anger: some of you have heard my spill on Anger but to those of you that haven't here it it...Anger is not a solitary emotion. It doesn’t stand alone but many times it's expressed alone. Anger is usually paired with disappointment, embarrassment, tiredness, or the all popular hunger 🤣
Sometimes when working with anger in children and adolescents it's helpful to help them identify what emotion it is..how you ask.ask them what they need and give examples, do you need a hug, a snack, a word of encouragement, an explanation? By asking these questions we teach them to ask themselves these questions to help diffuse their anger quicker. Hear me out: WE ARE NOT DISMISSING THE ANGER or the other emotion associated. We are helping them understand and communicate the emotions.

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This week I want to focus on Halloween and how to make it a successful holiday for you and your child!
1. Talk about the plans a couple of days prior (we are going to go trick or treating in our costume. We are going to knock on doors and say "trick or treat")
2. Give them a heads up of potential triggers (you may see scary costumes, you may hear strange noises)
3. Reassure them you will be with them and come up with a plan for when the child is too scared (say "snickers" and we will skip a house or turn around and go a different way)
4. Don't force things. This includes costume wearing and which houses to go to (even if it's uncle bill's house). This is a fun activity which should include the child's ability to make decisions about what they feel comfortable with!
5. Use this time as an opportunity to use and express emotions such as excitement, surprise, and maybe even fear. Model how to understand the feelings and manage them with your child!

Have fun and stay safe!!

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So many parents, myself included, feel a great deal of pressure to have our children not only "at standards" but above them. To walk soon, potty train fast, do simple math before kindergarten, etc. If our child doesn't meet these "societal standards" we get concerned about our child's development and we even begin to blame ourselves for their "short comings". Instead of worrying about grades, skills, or lessons children should learn, focus on the emotional aspect of their growth. Are they learning how to express their emotions and needs, do they know how to build relationships, are they learning how to sit in their emotions and know it's okay to feel them, and are they learning about grace for themselves (maybe even by watching you as a parent giving yourself grace)? Academics and development are important but it all means nothing if they are not able to emotionally navigate in the world around them!

**Teen Talk Thursday **
Every Thursday I'll provide a prompt that you can ask your teen or students to prompt thought and conversation!

This week's prompt: which part of a typical day do you look forward to the most?

*photo credits to the stranger sitting behind me who posted to the conference app 🤦‍♀️

This past week I attended a national conference for counselor educators. This was an opportunity to network and learn new skills. I intentionally sought out sessions that would help me grow as a clinician. Some of the sessions I attended were: play therapy and sandtray, intricacies about grief in children/adolescents, and suicidality in children/adolescents. Continuing education is important to me and as a clinician either working with your child or connected to you in some way, I am committed to continual learning and understanding of the field!

I know the story below is a little long but the power it holds is real. How many times do we as parents/teachers tell our kids how to do something? It's a natural instinct to try and "control" what our kids do whether for safety reasons or because it's 'what we are supposed to do as adults'. This control prevents creativity but it also can prevent a child/adolescentfrom telling their own story one day because it doesn't fit our mold. In counseling, children and adolescents are able to tell their story when they want and how they want without any expectations or boundaries. Unfortunately, many can't do this because of the learned behavior and expectation to experience and say things a certain way.

I challenge you to find something today where your child/ student is able to create or talk without expectations, without boundaries. Where you are actively present with them and supporting them through the process without looking for perfection.

**Teen Talk Thursday **
Every Thursday I'll provide a prompt that you can ask your teen or students to prompt thought and conversation!

This week's prompt: If you could make one new rule in your school, what would it be?