Kian Lok

I've been terribly quiet on this page of late. Some of that has been because I'm putting a lot of focus on my new business Kian's Q***r Crafts, but a lot of my silence here has been because I'm processing a lot of childhood trauma.

I'm not ready to be open about the nature of that trauma. Maybe I will never want to be. But here's what I will say on it for now. I've been processing that trauma, and as a result, looking at my life today and really looking at my values and wants. I've realised that, for all of my life, happiness has been shallow and selfish to me. I had been aware for a long time there was something off in my values, that there was something holding me back from something I couldn't even place. And that's a big part of it, that I not only don't value my happiness, but that I view it as inherently negative if I am happy. It's a waste of my resources for me to be happy. Lately, I've been working on fixing that. I've been focusing on my own happiness.

One day, writing and activism will bring me happiness, I'm sure of that. But right now, they're too entangled with those unhealthy values I'd been clinging to. So I'm taking a break from writing, and refocusing my activism in smaller, more targeted ways. It's hard work, but I'm doing it, and I've already progressed so much. I'm getting there. And for the first time in my life, I can see a future forming that I could actually maintain and that feels right. It's smaller than I thought I was supposed to want, but it feels right. I'm happy. And I'm working on feeling good about that.

🌈 So far the community have raised $325 for LGBTQIA+ projects and events in the north east - we’re part way to our $1500 goal!

🤔 But what would your donation mean?

💲A $25 donation would hire an event space for a North East Rainbow Flag project event, where community members could gather and help sew a 4m rainbow flag.

💲 A $30 donation would pay for a space at a local community market in Bright, Beechworth, Wangaratta or Yarrawonga, where LINE volunteers could provide LGBTQIA+ wellness resources for local community members

💲A $50 donation would pay for 3 care packs for local LGBTQIA+ people doing it tough

🌈 All donations go directly to funding programs for LGBTQIA+ people in our region

You can donate as little or as much as you can, at https://www.giveout.org.au/t/linewangaratta

Lately I've been doing less activism. It's been hard, feeling like I'm not enough, like I'm letting my communities down, like there are people I could be helping and I'm choosing not to. But I need the rest. I need to take care of myself and it will take a while. And I will take the time I need, however long that takes.

As has been my norm for a long time now, most of my time is spent looking after my health. But I've also been making cards. I'm enjoying the process, and finding it cathartic. So far my plan is just to sell them at a stall, but I'm hoping eventually to get to a point where I can start selling them online. I want to make cards for when you don't know what to say. My focus will be cards to help people come out, and cards to acknowledge someone coming out. But for now, I'm just making cards and enjoying the process.

[ID: Three photos of assorted homemade cards. While many are generally positive, including phrases like "you are enough", and "you are more than beautiful", some are LGBTIQA+ themed, with sparkling rainbow bubbles, or nonbinary colours with "it's ok if you don't know yet" written in sparkly letters.]

Pride dragons!

I'm currently editing some old writing to submit to an asexual anthology and oh wow do I love broken dialogue 😂 [cry laughing emoji]. Don't get me wrong, it serves a purpose and I do like it, but uh, maybe it's not necessary every time a character speaks?

‘Get em Housed, or Get em Safe’ -First Nations Fundraiser FNQ

I'm currently working on my first ever short film! I'm excited, and a little anxious about the idea of actually posting the film.

[ID: Kian, a white nonbinary person, lays on a day bed with burgundy velvet pillows behind zem. Zey are clutching a hot pink bit of fabric and looking slightly upwards. Zey are wearing a dark blue jumper and dusky pink jeans and a pale green and purple badge which is turned at an angle which obscures the words and makes it unreadable. Zey have a dark blonde buzzcut.]

You don't need to be certain to identify with a particular label or community. It's okay if it's a phase. We're all going through one phase or another, and phases are good.

[ID: A tumblr text screenshot of black text on a white background written by pansexual-pied-piper.

Sometimes your relationship with a label is more complex than "I identify with this" or "I don't identify with this" and that's fine!

"I sometimes identify with this" is fine!

"I partially identify with this" is fine!

"I don't really refer to myself this way, but I do feel included when people talk about it" is fine!

"I use this for the sake of ease even though it doesn't fit 100% 'cause I haven't found anything better yet" is fine!

"I use it 'cause it may not describe my feelings, but it does a good job of explaining how people perceive me" is fine!

"It's the closest fit when trying to find a community

of people that face the same problems I do" is fine!

People are complex, your experiences don't need to neatly fit into "100% this label" or "definitely not this label". If you have a complex relationship with one or more labels, that's completely fair and I hope you have a great day.]

TERFs are so confusing. How do you get to 'I'm a radical feminist' when your starting position is 'womem are literally just wombs to be impregnated'?

My Trans Day of Visibility video is now uploaded!

[ID: A white nonbinary person with a dark blonde buzzcut sits on a day bed and looks at the camera. Zey are adjusting zeir pale pink bowtie and half an awkward, daggy, half smile. Pastel rainbow font reads 'Trans Day of Visibility 2021'.]

Trans Day of Visibility 2021 Happy TDOV to you all! In this video I chat a little bit about different types of trans visibility and invisibility, nonbinary people who are and aren't tran...

I've finished filming and editing my video for Trans Day of Visibility! It'll be uploaded soon, so stay tuned.

[ID: A white nonbinary person with a dark blonde buzzcut sits on a day bed and looks at the camera. Zey are adjusting zeir pale pink bowtie and half an awkward, daggy, half smile. Pastel rainbow font reads 'Trans Day of Visibility 2021'.

Having a hard time? Here's a five minute video of nothing but greyhound cuddles.

[ID: A white nonbinary person with a dark blonde buzzcut lays down cuddling a black greyhound. They are on a single bed with a grey fitted sheet, a dark blue and red velvet pillows behind them.]

Greyhound Cuddles Literally just five minutes of cuddling and patting a very good, affectionate greyhound named Willow. This video is very comforting if you're feeling crummy ...

My blog is still on indefinite hiatus, but I've made a new video about my asexual journey. It's taken about a month from filming to actually posting it, but I've got it out there now, and I'm feeling good.

[Thumbnail description: Over the asexual flag are the words 'My Asexual Journey' and a photo of Kian standing in front of a purple background, wearing a brown leather jacket over a green checkered shirt and a black beanie.]

My Asexual Journey I struggled for over a decade to accept my asexuality. I still struggle with it, but I'm getting there, and I'm learning to be proud. The best resource for l...

TW for brief suicidal ideation mention in second paragraph, and brief mention of past trauma in fourth paragraph.

My blog is on a temporary hiatus, and I've slowed way down with this page. I'm dealing with quite a lot at the moment, some of which I'm comfortable sharing or have already shared, and some of which is more personal.

My pain is continuing to get gradually worse, though I have found a few things that help a little. Some are easy, like taking a supplement with food, some are harder, like large dietary changes. Finding anything that helps, even a little, does help with the creeping suicidal ideation, but I'm still exhausted.

I'm also applying for NDIS and DSP with the help of a social worker. It's exhausting and stressful, and it's infuriating that it's deliberately impossible for so many disabled people. It shouldn't be this hard to get basic support.

I'm also dealing with past complex trauma, and that mixed with the constant unbearable pain is leaving my nervous system overloaded. A lot of disassociation has come back, which is complicating everything.

I'm taking care of myself and doing what I can. I'm cuddling the dog and my rats. I'm easing my expectations of myself, of my life, and of my body. I'm hoping that things will settle at least a little bit if I can sort out the NDIS and DSP. At least then I'll have some security and certainty.

[ID: Kian lays on a s**g rug, staring at a black greyhound. The greyhound's paw rests on Kian's shoulder.]

• • • • • •
The ability of men to lactate has been a running joke for a while now. It resurfaced recently when an unfunny comedian welcomed his newborn child to the world by taking a swipe at trans people and the past week has been an onslaught of attacks against trans people for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Many of these attacks have included something along the lines of “men can’t breastfeed”. It’s wild how something like this can pick up traction - especially since it is patently untrue!

Charles Darwin, in his 1871 book The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to S*x said:

It is well known that in the males of all mammals, Including man, rudimentary mammae exist. These in several instances have become well-developed, and have yielded a copious supply of milk.

It has been considered that both sexes may have nursed young in early mammalian ancestors, and subsequently mammals have evolved to inactivate ‘male’ ni***es at an early age.

Male mammals of many species have been observed to lactate under unusual or pathogenic conditions.

The term male lactation has been used or alluded to in popular literature throughout time including in Leo Tolstoy's Anna Karenina and Louise Erdrich’s The Antelope Wife.

There have also been a number of instances where fathers have nursed their children when their wives have either been sick or have died. The fact that people think that human male lactation is so laughable is both trans-phobic and deeply misogynistic.

If people would just stop for a second and little bit of research they might actually surprise themselves especially when it comes to human male lactation.

All that is required for successful lactation is mammary glands and a steady supply of the hormone prolactin. Prolactin can be artificially introduced into the body or can be produced naturally under specific conditions.

(Picture found on Pinterest - I have no idea who it is)

*t **kTransphobia

Trigger warning within link for su***de
I hesitated to write this week's blog post. I hesitated to post it. Last night after I'd scheduled it and was trying to sleep, I wrestled with the urge to delete it before it went out into the world. This week's post is a hard topic. It's a highly stigmatised topic. But it's important, and it's important to talk about it.

Surviving Content warning for su***de and self harm.

I owe a lot to cosplay. I've met some of my best friends through it, but more than that, it helped me work out my gender - twice.

This blog post is a celebration of that, and a chance to show off my old cosplay photos, and even a super dorky cosplay music video.

Gender Exploration and Cosplay Before I knew I was trans, I got into cosplay. At first, it didn’t even occur to me that I could cosplay outside of my gender. I was a teenager who was still trying desperately to cling to my…

Tomorrow's blog post is about gender exploration and cosplay, and how cosplay has helped me come to terms with my gender twice. I've filled the post with old cosplay photos, and even included one of my old cosplay music videos at the end. I'm excited to share it with you all! Cosplay was a big part of my life for a long time, and I will always have a fondness for it.

I will be sharing a link here, but subscribe to my blog to get immediate updates straight to your email inbox instead of waiting for my ADHD self to remember and get around to posting it here.

One of the most common questions I'm asked is how I'm going. So here's my honest answer. This is what it's like in my life right now.

How I’m Going Here’s my long answer to the simple question that most conversations start with.

After a long quiet period, I've finally sent out some poems again and gotten one published! *Content warning for suicidal ideation*

Before I Sleep by Kian Hall Content warning for su***de  I never thought the final thread would come  from an animated show starring a horse with the body  of a man and a sordid past  Yet as I…

Over Ace Week I featured on a panel about asexual relationships. If you're interested to learn more about that, the entire panel discussion has been uploaded to YouTube!

Aussie Ace Week 2020 - Asexual Relationships Pannel Our panellists include both aromantics and several delicious flavours of alloromantic, and they'll all be talking about relationships and the many forms in w...

My tenth blog post is now live! I'm quite proud of this one. It contains a bunch of advice for fellow ADHDers, and other neurodivergent folks, but a lot of it is broadly applicable to anyone.

Tenth Post Running a website and weekly updating blog is not easy for my ADHD self, and I’m proud of making it to my tenth post. Here are the tips I’ve learnt so far that I want to pass along.

This week is a slightly more fun blog post which invites you to try out photojournalism as a creative outlet.

Photojournalism Whether you want to get creative for your New Year’s Resolution, or you want to communicate something and can’t find the words, photojournalism is worth trying out.

This is a rough read, but it's important.

"I knew people were comfortable watching disabled and elderly people die, but I was wholly unprepared with the joy with which people would leap into harm’s way under the belief that only the vulnerable would die."

I Was Unprepared For 2020 “I knew people were comfortable watching disabled and elderly people die, but I was wholly unprepared with the joy with which people would leap into harm’s way under the belief that only the …

Start 2021 right with these adorable dog photos. I was trying to get some headshots for my acting goals, when Willow decided she needed to get some shots too.

[ID: Kian, a nonbinary person, leans forward on zeir power wheelchair to pat a black greyhound, who strains in her rainbow collar to get closer. Kian is wearing a grey top with darker grey moons and stars. Zeir hair is dark blonde, short on top, and even shorter around the sides and back. In the background is a red brick wall.]

It's a question I encounter all the time, so I wrote a blog post to help answer it with a few different suggestions.

Someone’s Told You They’re Trans and/or Nonbinary: Now What? When someone comes out as trans, trans nonbinary, or nonbinary, it’s important to react the right way. But what exactly does that mean?

In the spirit of celebration, here's a blog post about the joys of being trans that I've found during my journey.

The Joys of Being Trans There’s a lot about my own personal journey with gender that has been horrible. There have been times I almost didn’t make it. There has been family lost, fights, hateful comments, and …

This time of year can be joyful, but it can also be unimaginably hard.

(Un)Happy Holidays To many, the end of year holidays are a time of celebration and joy. But there are a lot of people for whom the holidays are something else entirely.

Here's a slightly expanded blog post about a topic I've spoken about here not long ago - Identity First VS Person First language.

I Am a Person, But My Identity Comes First Person with a disability, or disabled person? Knowing which to use can be a minefield. Here’s why I always default to ‘disabled person’.

I've set up a new YouTube account for myself! So far it's just got the one video which is a reading of my poem, Lipstick and Binders. If you enjoy it and would like to see more video content, please like and subscribe.

Poem reading: Lipstick and Binders Myself reading my poem Lipstick and Binders, as previously published on Enby Life. In the poem, I aim to share with others my experiences with gender dysphor...

Kian Hall added a button to help you learn more about them.

It needs some more content, but here it is - the site where all of my best available work is featured!

Works I am a writer, actor, content creator, activist, and speaker I grew up in a world that refused to see me or others like me. I want to do what I can to fix this for future generations. Published wri…

I have a new blog post up! It actually came out yesterday, so be sure to follow my blog to get the posts when they actually come out, rather than when I remember to post them here.

I am Asexual It took me a long time to accept that I’m asexual. I’ve ruined several relationships through my denial, and forced myself to do things I didn’t want to because I felt I ought to w…

It's live!
Kianhall.com

Kian Hall Diversifying media representations

This weekend I'll be launching my website! It features the works I'm most proud of, as well as a blog that currently is largely upcycled posts from here, but will get some more original posts in time.

Get excited, stay posted, and prepare yourselves for website related spamming.

This is a short and beautifully animated video about being intersex.

Edit: I had hoped sharing this would include the page I shared it from, but that's okay. I found it from Intersex Action, which is a great page to follow to learn more about the intersex community.

Let's Talk About Intersex [ANIMATION] • trf It's finally here! This was animation done for uni to explain a social/environmental/cultural cause, and at first focussing on gender issues, I decided to tr...

Growing up I was a Tim Burton fan and his drawing style influenced my own a lot. Recently, I've had people ask me my current thoughts about Tim Burton so here they are.

He's a hack and worst of all hes racist. Growing up as a weird white kid, I never considered the lack of racial diversity in his work. His art and movies represented me just fine, so what was there to be concerned about? A while ago it came to light that Burton refuses to have diversity in his films because people of color dont "fit his aesthetic" as if PoC havent been dressing edgy, spooky and gothy for YEARS. I call BS on Tim. Anyone can dress like a sickly Victorian widow and if you dont think the color of a person's skin fits your art style, ask yourself if you might just be lazy and prejudice.
Also, Tim might have popularised skinny, bug eyed, big headed gothic characters but he didnt invent them and he doesnt OWN "his" iconic style. If you like this style, awesome, you should be able to find representation in it as well.

Click through to original for image descriptions