Switchback Life Coaching

Recently there have been some changes in my life. Some of them are physical, some are occupational and some are personal. Because of this, I need to focus my passion and energy elsewhere. So I will be stepping away from my writing for a while.

But I wanted to take a moment and thank each of you that have read my posts. It’s been a lot of fun, and I have received much love and encouragement from many of you. I am deeply humbled by this.

I wish each of you the very best that life has to offer.

So, with one last encouragement … Never stop smiling … Never stop loving others … And never stop being good to yourself.

Thank you again,
jon

Versus

Someone had asked me some time ago if I was aware that many of my posts in this series didn’t align with what I had said in the topic’s introduction post. And this is quite true. In the introduction post I shared that I believe, at our core, most of us want to be good; that we have an inclination to love and care about each other. However, as it was pointed out to me, nearly all of the subsequent posts talk about how bad we’re doing with certain aspects of our lives. Again, this is also true.

But this inconsistency is intentional.

Many of us – me included, if I’m not intentionally remaining alert and aware of what I’m doing – can get sucked into the various perspectives, attitudes and narratives that are being propagated within our society. We can easily get caught up in the drama, the pessimism, the cynicism and anger that are so prevalent in our media, social apps and entertainment. This not only negatively impacts our perspectives, attitudes and psyches, it also robs us of joy and happiness.

But if we adopt the alternatives that I have suggested, I truly believe that we and the world can become a better place. If we exhibit joy, if we are kind to others, if we live humbly, if we genuinely communicate with one another, if we’re authentic, if we learn to be content with what we have; these things, I believe, make us and the world far more beautiful and hopeful.

The reason I used the inconsistency was because we (at least this is true for me) sometimes struggle to venture down another path until we truly see how some of our current beliefs, attitudes or behaviors can negatively impact us. There have been times in my life that I’ve only discovered a better way because I’ve wrestled with the darkness within me, as well as the consequences or impact of the specific reality that I am struggling with.

Ultimately, with this series, I want to land where we began; and that is positivity. Yes, we are all messed up people. Yes, the world can be a negative and cold place. Yes, there are times when we each drink the Kool-Aid of some unhealthy belief, attitude or behavior. Yes, we’ll sometimes do things that negatively impact us or others around us. But that certainly doesn’t mean that this is just the way that it has to be.

I believe that things can change.

I believe that things can be better.

And so, I choose to live in hope. I choose to live in positivity and joy. I choose to believe in the goodness and dignity that's within all of my fellow human beings. I choose to believe that our attitudes and actions can restore the broken parts of our world. And I choose to believe that we can live in peace.

In the immortal words of John Lennon, “You may say I’m a dreamer.” And, if you do, that’s more than understandable. But, as the next line goes, I also know that I’m not alone. Everyday there are people growing, pushing on and overcoming. There are people that are choosing to live in positivity and hope. There are organizations and charities that are healing and changing entire communities. There is reconciliation between races, creeds, genders, s*xual orientations and all other things that tend to divide us. Everyday love happens.

So, the question becomes: what will you choose?

It is my sincerest hope that some of what I have said has challenged you or perhaps, at the very least, made you think differently about something. It is also my sincerest hope that each of you are healthy and happy, and that you move into your future in joy and with hope.

Be well.

Here is one pic of the onlookers videoing the Queen's procession.

The photo was from an article in Yahoo UK, written by Kate Buck.

Versus - Present/Preserve

I am not a fan of royal families. That’s not because I dislike any of them personally, or because I am vehemently against any form of government that has kings or queens. The reason I dislike them is because I don’t agree with the idea that some people – whether by birth, from talent or due to any other factor – have more value or importance than any other person.

We are all the same. All of us see and dream, all of us fear and struggle, and all of us feel and bleed. There is no one that is more important or special than any other. This is why I generally dislike royalty in general.

However, having said that, I do recognize that the passing of a queen, like we’ve just recently experienced, is still a pretty profound event. I do have to admit, I wasn’t fully invested in watching and learning about every bit of information regarding the Queen and her ‘reign’. Despite that, though, I did observe the funeral procession and watch some of the interviews.

The interviews, I felt, were relatively routine and most were straight forward. But I did pause for several moments when the funeral procession began. I have only seen a handful of these before, so I am certainly no expert on how they generally play out. Having said that, nearly everyone that I have observed prior to Queen Elizabeth’s all followed the same basic pattern. Yet as I was watching Queen Elizabeth’s procession, I observed something that deviated from what I was used to.

As the car with the Queen’s body was passing by the crowds, nearly every person in attendance had their phones up, recording the car passing them by. To be honest, it looked like a rock concert where everyone was trying to capture the show on video.

Now, for the record, I do not think that this is inherently wrong. Recording something noteworthy is certainly okay. But, given these particular circumstances, I do think it poses somewhat of a problem, and I think that it points to a deeper symptom within our society.

Being able to stand on the sidewalk and witness such a monumental event has the potential to leave its mark on a person. But this requires engagement. As the Queen’s car was passing by, though, what I observed were people videoing the procession, not actually engaging with it. Instead of being present – actively mourning, focusing on the passing of the Queen and what that means for the individual, as well as for the country as a whole – most people were simply viewing it as if they were a director of a small film.

It’s as if we want to remember, to capture the events in our lives and freeze them in a sort of stasis, so that we can revisit the memory any time we want. But we do that in lieu of being present in the moment and actually creating the memory by engaging with what is happening right in front of us.

Foodies are a good example of this. When a great meal is set in front of them, rather than allowing its presentation to whet their appetites, breathing in the aromas and then carefully eating it so as to enjoy every single bite – they now take pics and then post them so that everyone and their cousin knows that they ate steak and potatoes last night.

First of all, no one really cares what another person eats for dinner. But, secondly and more importantly, by doing this we miss out on the experience that’s taking place right in front of us because we are too busy trying to capture the memory.

If we slow down a little and really listen to the world around us, there are monumental events happening all the time. There are people that beat cancer or other illnesses. There are people that push through their own fears or limitations. Everyday people are learning, growing, maturing and advancing. There are success stories of people rising up, pushing through and overcoming. These kinds of things happen every. single. day. But we often miss them because we are simply not present.

Consider a post from one of the spectators that recorded the Queen's procession. The post certainly contained accurate footage, but it hits like a wet noodle. And that’s because what they've posted is the very same thing that every major news network was also broadcasting. It’s redundant, and it fails to add anything to the conversation.

But juxtapose that against a person who was fully present as the Queen’s body passed by them. Just think about the depth of the stories that they could tell us. Consider the wealth of feelings and emotions that would be present because the person actually engaged in the heartbreaking reality of what was taking place. And, as far as I’m concerned, the person may actually have something worthwhile to say about the future of the country because they took the time and effort to wrestle with its past and its present.

That’s the fundamental difference between creating memories and merely attempting to capture them. One has the potential to deepen our character and connect us to the event. And the other merely secures evidence that we were present at the event. One is active and the other is passive.

This week, let us choose to be active. Let’s choose to create memories instead of simply attempting to capture them in an immortal photo or video. Let’s put our phones away and engage life in all of its good and bad, simplicity and wonder. Let’s become people that have incredible stories to tell – not because we simply lived through the events, but because we lived into them.

And may we, as we strive to be healthy and happy people, be fully present and actively engage every ounce of the life we live.

Versus - Contentment/Greed

About 30 years ago a man concocted an unusual business plan, and he believed that he had the perfect product to make this plan a success. So, he packed up all of his belongings and headed to Seattle to begin his venture. Since his business was so simple, he was able to launch it out of his garage. And from these simple beginnings he started a business that would revolutionize how people shop.

Once he reached Seattle, his business was almost an immediate success. Within sixty days, his company was pulling in roughly $20,000 a month, and it was servicing all 50 states and 45 countries. Three years later, he issued public offerings in his company, selling 54 million dollars in stock. And, in 2003, his business turned its first full-year profit with revenue of over 1 billion dollars.

What was his product? Books.

What was his business? Amazon.

Amazon proved to be a virtual overnight success. So, if I ended that little bio right there all would be good. A man begins a business that offers a practical product and makes a lot of money doing so. For all intents and purposes, it sounds like all is good for this company.

The issue is, this man was not content making a billion dollars. He wanted more. So, in 1998 his business began to sell music CD’s and, within another year, also offered toys, electronics and tools. The business continued to expand and found itself reaching into online auctioning, as well as releasing several of its own electronic gadgets and E-readers.

When is enough, enough?

Please understand, I am not against making money. This guy had a good product, and a helpful one at that. So, his ability to make a living by meeting an appropriate need is wonderful, and I’d applaud anyone who did this. The issue I have is that whatever amount of money he made it was never enough.

He wanted it all.

Consequently, Amazon branched out even further and got into information technologies, movies/television and general retail. And that’s not to mention their acquisition of Zappos, Audible, IMDB and Whole Foods. The cherry on this cake is that Amazon also became a proxy, selling products for other retailers.

If there was a market to exploit or a dollar to be made, Amazon wanted it. This is a textbook version of unchecked greed. And it should serve as a blinking warning sign that challenges us to ask ourselves, when is enough, enough?

It’s easy to point a finger at a man that makes billions of dollars a year and think that we’d be different. The income gap between most Americans and Amazon’s CEO makes it feel natural to point out his greed without ever wrestling with our own. The unfortunate truth is, we are all greedy to a certain extent. We are living in a society that has groomed us to be this way.

From advertising to product packaging; store layouts to logos; product visuals to price tag manipulation; we have been groomed to constantly want more and more and more. We are trained to never feel like we have enough and to always feel like we need to buy one more thing. Sure, this compulsion to want more may look a little different than Amazon’s CEO but, if we strip away all of the frills, greed is still present. If there is something that we don’t have or that we desperately want, we won't stop until we get it. We too want it all.

So, the question is – and should always be – what will it take for me to be content?

We are not the same, so the answer to that question will differ from person to person. But the question is still universally relevant. What are the parameters around which we organize our life so that, when they are satisfied, we become wholly content?

If our goal is to be healthy and happy people, then working to achieve a state of contentment should be a relatively high priority. And this is because contentment fosters rest. It eradicates the incessant feeling that we are incomplete unless we have this certain thing. Rather, being content stifles our internal urges and allows those deep places in us – where our decisions are made – to actually rest.

However, contentment also allows us to want and to fully appreciate that which we do have. We no longer have to move from one purchase to another, never taking time to enjoy ourselves. Instead, we can sit with what we do have and value it for what it is.

In addition, reaching a place of contentment eliminates the need to compare our situations with someone else’s. How often do we compare what we have to others and allow that to impact our perception of what we want/need. Rather than comparing ourselves to others, contentment allows us to rest and be happy with what we have, even if others around us have more.

I think it goes without saying that, when all of these things are present, so is peace. It’s hard for internal (and external, to a degree) tension to exist when we are wholly content with where we are and what we have. Instead of joining the rat race and buying into the compulsion that we need more, we are able to smile, breathe easy and enjoy what we have.

This week, my challenge is to assess our lives and our own levels of contentment. Do we find that our lives – as they currently are – are incomplete? Do we feel like we need more to be happy? What will it take to make us feel content?

As we wrestle with these questions, may we arrive at a place where we are not only content with what we have, but that this contentment also brings us untold happiness and peace.

Versus - Conviction/Compulsion

A couple of weeks ago I watched a documentary that left me kind of perplexed. Those behind the documentary interviewed a wide array of Germans who were alive during the Holocaust. Their intent was to discover the role that they played during the second great war and how time may have changed their beliefs and/or dispositions. Those they interviewed ranged from housewives and factory workers to prison guards and SS soldiers.

Many of the interviewees shared pictures, medals, paperwork and personal memories from their time during the war. Seeing/hearing these things was very powerful, but it also served as a springboard for the interviewer to ask some very deep and pointed questions. It was a very good documentary.

However, what perplexed me was that nearly every one of the interviewees, when asked about standing up and against the war, atrocities, etc., stated that they didn’t dare. Many of them stated – word for word – that their hands were completely tied.

Completely tied?

Several of the interviewees shared that they would have been disowned or even lost their businesses. There were a handful that explained that if they would have said anything against Hi**er or his Germany, they would have certainly been imprisoned. A couple stated that if they would have questioned the Reich, they would have been stood against a wall and shot, without question. So, according to all but one of the interviewees, there was nothing they could do to help the Jewish (and other minorities) people.

Hearing this triggered all sorts of strong emotions. But t also made me step back and look at myself and the society I find myself within. Because, sure, we are not living in a country that is currently attempting to eradicate an entire people group(s). But that is certainly not the only issue worth standing up against.

Just last week I read an article on the horrors of the cobalt mines within the Congo. These mines harvest nearly 70% of the world’s cobalt. That cobalt is used to make lithium ion batteries which, in turn, power most of our world. So, these mines are incredibly valuable.

However, the people in these mines are working in horrid conditions. Many of the miners are children (some as young as four years old). They work long, back-breaking days, they are threatened with violence and ultimately extorted for less than $1 a day. These mines are essentially slave labor. Some of the images I saw in researching this broke my heart. But yet, we say nothing about it and continue to consume without a second thought.

This is atrocious, but it isn’t the only issue. There’s also the opioid epidemic, our modern p**n crisis, the s*x slave trade, true poverty, broken homes, physical/s*xual/emotional abuse … the list is seemingly endless. The question, though, is what are we doing about it?

From my vantage point, it seems as though we are doing very little. I would venture to say that many of us have strong feelings about some of this stuff. But, by and large, we walk by these things every day, often without lifting a finger to help. We see the signs that something’s wrong, we can feel the tension, we are privy to the consequences of some of the aforementioned issues. Yet, we do very little to challenge the darkness and to push back the evil in our world.

I think this needs to change.

Now, I feel that I need to note that I am certainly not encouraging activism. Our world is full of activists who talk a lot about a lot of things but don’t really accomplish much. And that is, I believe, because activism places the responsibility on others. It’s essentially challenging an idea and then expecting that others catch on and make the needed change for us. This is why I do not like activism, because it fosters compulsion.

In comparison, true changers in our world function out of conviction. These people have a solid belief system and their hearts are wired to seek out and fight for what is right and good – no matter what. As such, they are less concerned about the ramifications of their choices and more concerned about making a decision that will better the world and those within it.

Their hands are untied.

There are things that are worth fighting for in this world. And by fight I certainly mean struggle against, not enact violence toward any other person or thing (whether physical or otherwise). But there are things in this life that are worth going to the wall for. My encouragement for you and I is that we search our hearts and our world to discover what those things are – I’ve given some great starting points above.

Once we discover what those are, though, then it’s our job to step into the breach. Because, at the end of the day, right is right and wrong is wrong. If we are people that stand for right, then we must also be prepared to sacrifice for the good that we are striving for.

This coming week, may our eyes be open to the things in our world that are worth standing up for. And may we be given clarity and understanding so that we know why and have a clear idea of how to engage it most appropriately. Lastly, may we have the strength and resolve to step into the void, even if that means we have to sacrifice something.

May we become people who are so focused on doing right that the possible fallout – even going to the wall – is of little consequence to us.

Versus - Rationale/Impulsivity

For about six years I worked at a program within Akron Public Schools that was created to support some of the most challenging students within the district. Many of these young people not only had learning difficulties, but also mental health needs as well. That’s what made the program so powerful but also so incredibly difficult at times.

It didn’t take long working in that kind of environment for me to discover that those young people lacked any real coping mechanisms. Instead, what most had adopted was an immediate and unchecked retaliation to their adverse stimuli. These reta litory responses ranged anywhere from simply refusing to comply with directions that we’d given them to physically assaulting staff and students.

One such example of this happened early on a Monday, during the program’s breakfast time. As I was making my usual rounds, I approached the elementary classroom (our program had a high school classroom, a middle school classroom and an elementary classroom) and I found that only one of our staff members was present in the room. Upon entering the classroom, I also discovered that none of the other students were present, which was never a good sign. The only student in the room was the smallest in our program. He was standing in the corner with his arms at his sides and his fists clenched.

When I looked around the room, I was impressed at just how much damage one small, angry boy could inflict. This little guy had flipped nearly every study desk in the room. If you’re unfamiliar with a study desk, they are larger than normal desks and they have wooden panels on three sides for privacy. Needless to say, study desks are incredibly sturdy and they are really heavy. Yet, this little dude managed to flip over every last one of them.

He had also torn posters and artwork off of the walls, broken a variety of objects in the room and thrown most of the breakfasts that had been out for other students all over the floor. All in all, he had virtually destroyed the entire room. When I asked the staff member present what had triggered his outburst, the staff member said, “A Poptart.”

Somewhat incredulous, I said, “He tore up the whole room because he couldn’t have a Poptart?!”

The staff member chuckled and said, “No, that'd be silly. He tore up the room because he had to wait a few minutes for the other students to arrive. He flipped out because he just couldn’t have his Poptart right now.”

Our little guy destroyed an entire classroom simply because he couldn’t have a Poptart the very moment that he wanted it. As absolutely insane as that sounds, this was far from the only incident where one of our students made an incredibly impetuous decision. Our kids universally struggled to cope with adverse stimuli and, instead of slowing down and making rational choices, they were reactive and impulsive.

Part of this is simply being young, I admit. There is a definite learning curve to slowing down, processing our circumstances and making rational choices. I myself attempted to outrun a police officer when I was younger. So, I am all too familiar with this learning curve.

However, another part of this is simply that our culture is becoming less and less fluent at making wise, well-thought-out choices. Now, I’m certainly not suggesting that we, as adults, upend entire rooms because we don’t get our Poptarts the very moment that we want them. However, I have observed an evident decline in our ability to pause and choose responses that are healthy and appropriate.

The adverse stimuli that challenge us can often be something small, like a post or a tweet that touches a nerve. But it can also be big as well, such as a law being passed that we feel is infringing upon our rights. It can be an inconvenience, like the battery on our phones dying. It may be irritating, such as when someone cuts us off on the highway. It can be personal, similar to when our partners make a biting comment about us. It can be waiting in long lines, someone stealing our identities, the product we want being out of stock … the list is endless.

These adverse stimuli have the potential to trigger strong emotional responses in us. And many times I have observed this firsthand – with others and myself. The issue, though, isn't the adverse circumstances thrust upon us; rather it’s our incredible difficulty maintaining our composure and processing through the circumstances fully before making a wise, appropriate response.

Instead of responding rationally, we speak out of our anger. We post biting, retaliatory comments out of our hurt. We shut down and stop speaking to our partners. We lash out and make negative generalizations about people/groups. We tailgate people, we say mean things, we withhold love/care, we quit or we storm off … impulsivity manifests itself in a lot of ways.

This is setting an awful example for future generations. But it’s also infusing our world with more negativity … which is the very thing that triggered our impulsivity in the first place.

The key is slowing down, taking deep breaths and giving the situation the time it needs. Try to think about the last incident that triggered an immediate, negative response.

Did you regret your choice?

What negative consequences did your choice have?

If you were to go back and make a different choice, what would you do differently?

If, with future negative situations, you were to slow down and logically process through the circumstances, how may your outcomes improve?

I am certainly not splitting the atom with this post. Much of this is common sense … or at least it should be. But we are all human and life can get to even the best of us. If nothing else, this is just a simple reminder to all of us to slow down, think rationally and choose responses that are positive and healthy ... for ourselves and the world around us.

How much better would our world be if we all approached our issues, and each other, in this manner?

Versus - Authenticity/Duplicity

For several years I traveled along a section of interstate in order to get to and from work. One particular day, traveling this road home from work on this interstate, I moved into the passing lane to get around a slower moving car. In the space of time that it took me to switch lanes, a large truck had sped up on me and tattooed itself to my bumper.

I wasn’t going much faster than the slower moving car, so it took a moment for me to pass. This apparently didn’t sit well with the driver of the truck because he remained attached to my bumper until I passed the car and moved back into the right lane. Once I was back in the right lane, he slammed on the accelerator and flew off into the distance. I was a little irritated, but I just shook my head and went about my driving.

But ... shortly after this, I pulled into a gas station to refuel and get something to drink. As I got out of my car to pump the gas, I looked up to find the truck that had passed me on the other side of the pump from me. Since it was now directly beside me, I was able to get a good look at it. This thing was massive. It had been lifted to its legal limit and had tires that came up to the middle of my chest. It was also outfitted with nerf bars, a brush guard, spotlights, a winch, roll bars, etc. And, in the back window, it had stickers like “Don’t Tread on Me” and “Gun control means hitting your target.”

After giving the truck a once over I began pumping my gas and then went back inside my car to get my wallet. As I exited my car the driver of the truck was standing right in front of me, so I was able to get a good look at him as well.

Like his truck, he was also decked out. He had a bandana on with his sunglasses turned backward. He was wearing a wife be**er under a black shirt (with a slogan similar to his bumper stickers) with cut off sleeves. His jeans had rips all down the front of them and he was wearing a pair of (what looked like) combat boots … oh, and he had a large knife strapped across his lower back. Every inch of this man made it look like he was not to be messed with.

However …

After I was done pumping my gas, I began to walk toward the store to get a drink. At the door, I heard the footsteps of someone behind me. So, as I opened the door, I swung it wider and held it open for whoever it was that was also coming into the store. Turning around to allow this person to get past, I discovered that it was the guy from the huge truck.

As he approached the store, he had been looking down at the ground, so he didn’t initially see me. When he finally did look up, though, he saw that I was holding the door open for him. Once he observed this, he immediately looked back down at the ground, quickly moved past me and (still looking at the ground) quietly said, “Thank you.”

I was a bit astonished, to be honest. His truck and the way that he was dressed communicated that this was a strong, assertive guy. Yet, when he put his head down and quietly thanked me for holding the door open for him, I realized that his tough-guy persona wasn’t reality. The reality was he was actually a meek and considerate guy. How he presented didn’t match who he really was.

Now, I want to make it clear that I do not care what people drive or what they wear. If you want to drive a jacked up truck, by all means, do so. If you want to wear a shirt and tie or a ripped-up t-shirt, a mohawk or a beehive, a skirt or jeans, a knife on your back or a flower in your hand; that’s your prerogative. To each his own. My concern isn’t what we wear, what we drive or where we live.

My concern is the duplicity that many of us - like this young man - live with.

For years I made up for my own insecurities with exaggerations about other character qualities or talents. Many of us, on social media, present a more cultured and well-rounded life than we are actually living. Some of us, embarrassed about our incomes, careers, etc., fabricate details that make it appear as though we are better off than what we really are. There are those of us that want to be seen as strong or tough, so we change how we appear and how we interact with others. The list of our duplicities is endless.

And the truly sad part is that we are hurting ourselves and those close to us by doing this. Recent studies are now showing that presenting a false self often leads to things such as depression, lower self-worth, increased anxiety and the continual depletion of our mental reserves. But it’s also negatively impacting us socially too. Presenting as someone other than our real self is basically lying, and it breeds distrust, resentment and social disconnection. These are the antithesis of the necessary elements of healthy relationships.

But what would happen if we pumped the brakes on all of this and began to live fully authentic lives?

I’m sure that many of us would be embarrassed. It’s not a simple thing to live openly, allowing the world to see our bad with our good. And I’m sure that there are those of us that would have some explaining to do. We can’t be authentic without discussing why the duplicity was present in our lives. I’m certain that we will also have to ask for forgiveness and work toward healing. The hurts caused by pretending to be something different than we are will need to be addressed and healed.

I’m not going to lie, those are some big, hairy, ugly things. But if we resolve to do them, what we are left with is an open life, free from the shame and guilt of duplicity. We are able to stand confidently in who we are, being comfortable with our strengths and our weaknesses. We are able to venture out into life being guided by our own values, rather than those of society, our friends or our families. And living an authentic life will foster positive states of mind like happiness and contentment.

This week, let’s resolve to live authentically. Let’s start identifying those places in our lives that do not match with who we really are and correct them. And let us love ourselves and those close to us enough to be honest about who we are … in all the good and the bad.

Live openly.

Speak truthfully.

And just be you!