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As an adult, Stop relying on man or dad. That will be an endless struggle. Earn your own freedom and you will find a complete different emotional world. No BS. Everything becomes simple. Hope will replace depression, power will replace anxiety. Start from something small. 💪🏼One step a time. Happiness comes from you, not from anyone else.
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He changed a lot when I stopped mocking. Accepting him makes him a better man. I successfully disconnected with my mother’s toxic pattern of mocking my father. It all started from awareness, decision and practicing.
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Loving yourself is a belief and decision. You deserve love and happiness.❤️
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“Whole ass one thing, don’t half ass two things.” My teacher said. Focus improve our productivity and productivity improve our confidence and mood. Write down the small changes and small tasks you accomplish on your journal for self affirmation.
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When I learned to love myself and respect all my feelings, I started to treat him the same way. And I learned that sarcasm is an abomination to man. Growing up in an environment of sarcasm, mocking someone was very normal. I didn’t realize how toxic it was until I read Pete Walker’s book “Tao of filly feeling.” And I discovered I’m Bible proverbs it says that “Scoffing or sarcasm is an abomination to man.” It’s one of the sources of violence. Ishmael scoffed Isaiah and was driven out with the consent of God. Ishmael became very violent. Growing up later without sarcasm of Ishmael, Isaiah was a very gentle man. So I decided never mock or tease my husband again because it’s destructive and foolish. I won’t mock myself also. Everybody needs respect and being allowed to make mistakes, and just be themselves.
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Failures and mistakes are completely normal as long as we know and bear the consequences. Success in any area in our life is based on the belief of never giving up. Repetition of practice, learning from failures and grow. Every day is a new day. Keep learning, keep practicing. Small hinges swing big doors. You can do it.
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“John Dunne, who wrote the poem No Man Is an Island, would probably roll over in his grave today if he saw how pervasively untrue this is of modern men. Males in our culture are routinely indoctrinated in the isolating process of sarcastic shaming as soon as they begin to walk and talk. Most boys are ridiculed unmercifully for making mistakes, for “dropping the ball,” and for responding to pain with tears. They are taunted with names like “crybaby”, “wimp,” and “sissy” whenever they falter in any way. (Nobody should be expected to do everything right the first time) These taunts are often hurled with such venom and disgust that most boys learn to hate their vulnerability before they even have the language skills to verbally express it.
Most boys lose touch with their emotions via being “nurtured” on sarcasm. Every emotion, except anger, is teased out of them. Over time they learn to automatically repress their other feelings, especially fear and sadness, and replace them with anger. Anger and angry sarcasm then become the only acceptable modes of male emotional expression.
Although some boys grow up to become rage-aholics, most eventually learn how to control their anger by diverting it into sarcasm. Most gradually devolve into the feelingless stereotype of the modern male who is totally befuddled by the notion of feelings.
With enough sarcastic prodding, a boy’s tolerance for others’ feelings and vulnerabilities also dies. Empathy gets buried in the graveyard of his unconscious along with the co**se of his own sense of self-compassion, without which there is rarely any real sympathy for others. Many boys grow up to be men who never know real intimacy because they alienate everyone around them with sarcastic dumping. Others are afraid to come too close to them because of the hurtfulness of their cold, prickly style of communicating.

Instead, they are blamed for their loss. They become scapegoats for their abusers. In order to stop being a victim, they can be a victim first and claim their rights to blame, grieve and love themselves. Blaming (the abuser) and grieving (for loss) are inevitable steps of healing and transformation. They deserve the right of love, safety, belonging and happiness. It’s ok to be a victim and it’s up to them to decide when to stop being a victim. It’s NOT up to the outsiders or observers to tell them when to stop being a victim. Allow it before letting go.
Have you ever been told “stop being a victim” without being understood?
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It’s a decision of not being a victim anymore. It’s a decision of living by consciousness instead of following mere feelings. And treat others the way I want to be treated, no matter how they behave.
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Progress, not perfection. 😊 My growth today is that when my husband get panic attack I won’t be triggered and I’m not getting panic attack nor arguing, no fighting . I take it easy. No blaming for his emotions, I allow and accept all emotions. just be calm and focus on my dream. I love this calmness.😊 What is your growth today?
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That means I am stronger than a victim now. I declare victory everyday and do what I want in my life. I choose not to repeat the victim pattern. This requires more awareness, live by consciousness and a lot of practice. Meditation and journaling are so important for this transition.
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What a disaster we are creating in our culture! We start to supress a boy’s feelings at 3 year old. Can you expect this boy to feel other people’s pain ( and have empathy)in the future when he is not allowed to feel his own? Why there is so much violence and dominance behaviors out there? I don’t think it’s a war between man and woman. It’s the fruit of toxic masculinity and macho culture. There aren’t enough healthy minded man out there because most boys are raised in a culture of sarcasm, teasing and suppressing of feelings. They confused power with aggressiveness and absence of vulnerability. But they are still human beings. If we don’t allow them to express fears and sadness, they may express in other ways like anger and violence.
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This is a great movie to watch. I watched with my husband yesterday. We both love it. She was called Moses and nobody could ever imagine this Moses was a small black woman. How powerful is that!
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This is a post I failed to post on Valentine’s Day. “Today is a special Valentine’s Day. My husband bought me gift, did the household work and gave baby a shower. It’s the first time he told me that he needed gentle love. I didn’t realize that when I was triggered I was very defensive and aggressive. We communicated our needs and agreed to treat each other with gentle love. He is seeing a counselor every Sunday and is practicing loving me in his way. I accept his love language: gift, service, hugging and sometimes communication.😊 It’s a good day to remember. My breakthrough is that I understand the importance of not being a victim anymore. So even I am triggered I will practice not to repeat the trauma cycle. And I am learning not to trigger him. “❤️
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Have you experienced any of these?
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Honor your feelings, treat yourself good when others treat you bad. You deserve respect, love, need and happiness. You can make mistakes. You deserve rest and peace. Don’t follow your feelings because that may lead to repetition of trauma. When I had depression and suicidal thoughts I knew I needed love, rest and nourishment but I didn’t follow my feelings to take action of su***de or stay in ruminating/over thinking. Instead I take action of positivity, talk to a trustworthy friend, entertain myself, take action toward my dream and not letting feelings control me. 🤗 I have fears and anxiety now and pain all over my body. But I know consciously that this is temporary. I will do something positive, take some rest, talk to myself nicely, talk to my best friend and do my work regardless of negative feelings. This will pass away, this is a reminder that I need love, rest and nourishment. This is not my destiny. 🙂 I need to set boundaries from those people like “battery drainers”. I need to protect myself. ❤️ Love yourself more every time you feel bad. ***de via .app

Yes it’s like magnet or magic. I met some guy who was very nice and gentle but I found him boring. Instead, I was attracted to someone who was like my Dad or Mom and I have been coping with him just like how I coped with my parents. Sadly my parents never changed to their core. My dad stopped beating me when I became an adult and was able to leave. My mom never stopped verbally abuse me until I completely cut her off (no contact). I forgave her for many many times and was hurt even more each and every time. All she wanted from me was unconditional obedience including who I should marry to, and more and more money. She was a victim and always a victim. A victim who refuse to change or heal will become an abuser. My husband is also a victim, a victim who denies the trauma influence, a victim who refuses therapy or help. Both of my parents were victims. Some people say that people who want to change themselves are saints, people who want to change others are fool. I’m not a saint or perfect person but I want to change myself. I don’t want to be a victim anymore. I don’t want to pass on abusive patterns to others. I don’t want to find excuses for not changing. I can say that victims are different from each other.
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One person’s love language may not sounds like love in another’s eyes. But that’s how she/he expresses love, even though not in a perfect way. We don’t need perfect love, we need expand our ability to listen and understand real love. Real is not perfect. Real is not identical, like what you see from novels or movies. Real is with variety and growth. One reason of unhappiness is that people expect perfect, not real love.
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Real is not perfect. Allow space to grow. We just need growth.
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This is what we all strive for 😊❤️.
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Then I talk to my best friend. They are all better than relying on man. Will you try journaling? Buy a beautiful journal and many pretty stickers from dollar store. Only write when you want to. You will fall in love with journaling. Yesterday I wrote my success list and my growth in 2019. I’m very proud of myself. All the toxic critical voices lose their power after journaling and self-affirmation. Will you try it?
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A man who is emotional unavailable might not be a narcissist. Sometimes he is traumatized sometimes he is immature or just busy working. Don’t expect a partner to be a Dad or Mom. Compared with three years ago, I’m no longer traumatized by his unavailability. I understand that we both need space and freedom to breathe. We need to find a good time and mood to communicate. And it’s ok to be imperfect. We need space to grow.
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People get scared because they don’t understand. My traumatized husband used to be scary for me as he could call the police on me because he lost his key. He ended up finding his key in his own pocket. He constantly had fears of being deceived , attacked, Robbed, stolen, abused or abandoned because of his past experiences. I got accusations very easily because of his fears. I walked on egg shells. But over time I understand his cause of hyper vigilance and he needs peace. So the more peace I create the less hyper vigilance he has. I’m no longer that scared of him anymore. I understand that His aggressive defensive survival mode is the expression of his wounded inner child. If I was afraid, I know that it’s just a feeling and I need to understand more. And of course I need to set boundaries and protect my inner child as well. Like I won’t take serious about accusations from a traumatized person because that’s expressions of his fears. I won’t absorb those judgement. I dissociate myself from the situation and observe like an outsider. I’m still practicing but it works better day after day. When a wounded person is accusing you or judging you (not legally), more often than not, he/she is expressing his/her fears. I tried to comfort him addressing his fears, when his fears are addressed and comforted he calmed down better. I told him there was no such a danger, I would make sure bad things that he feared won’t happen, every thing will be fine and nobody is going to be abandoned.😊It’s very hard for me because when I was misunderstood, judged or accused I felt rejected, abandoned because I was traumatized too. But through practicing dissociating and consciousness it became possible and easier for me.

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Allow all emotions.🙂
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It’s ok to have confusions. What matters is moving forward boldly no matter what🙂. Long term trauma can create control freak. The positive intention is to prevent further danger or hurt. Don’t try to control everything. It doesn’t work. Focus on the things you do well and you can control. And let go of things you can’t control. We both have limitations and potentials (possibilities). Assume that you can overcome the obstacles ahead.
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Protect your energy by avoiding conflict and being less reactive to other traumatized people or toxic people’s challenges. Allow yourself to be misunderstood. More often than not, when they misunderstand you, it’s not about you, it’s about them struggling with their own issues/trauma. The more I believe it’s not about me, the less likely I’m absorbed into an argument or fighting. And don’t try to fix or save them. Protect yourself first. Only when you are healed and empowered, you will be able to help others. 💪🏼 via .app

Give others space to grow as well. All mistakes and time. Be patient and graceful to yourself and others.
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Having extreme emotions is completely normal for a traumatized person because of the things that are missing: love and safety. Rather than treating yourself as abnormal or disordered, treat your syndromes as completely normal may help you heal easier. I had been struggling between extreme emotions for decades but only after trying to understand the positive intentions behind my behaviors, I was able to relieve and heal, getting closer to strong and healthy mind day after day. Yes there are positive intentions even behind obsessions and extreme hate (or harsh judgment) because this is a survival mode that help us to stay safe. I’m not talking about all obsessions and hates. I’m talking about obsessions and hate generated from trauma, not from pride or dominance behaviors. When it comes to trauma, there are positive intentions behind every disordered behaviors. Actually they are normal I’m the eyes of the traumatized people. People call it abnormal or disordered because they don’t understand. Obsessions are just reminder that we need healing, extra tender love, we need attention that we deserve and we need connections and belong. Extreme hate or harsh judgment is a self protective mechanism. So don’t criticize yourself when you are judgmental and critical sometimes. You just feel insecure. When we find out the positive intentions, we will look for more choices, options to meet that same intention. This is how we get healed without pain. There is no judgement from the beginning to the end. We need a lot of compassion and understanding to get healed. We don’t need to hate or Shame ourselves for having these syndromes.
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