So Much My Heart

The Christian God goes by many names in the Bible. Each one revealing a different characteristic or quality about Himself that He wants to reveal to His people. The very first name that God refers to Himself as is Elohim - the Creator, the All Mighty. In Genesis 1:1 it is written “In the beginning, Elohim created the heavens and the earth”. He hovered over the nothingness and created the world by His spoken voice. God refers to Himself as Elohim over 2,750 times in the Old Testament. However, Elohim is more than just an all powerful God who is able to create something out of nothing. He is also the God who is able to judge the very creation that He created. In Psalm 7:9, the psalmist writes, “Bring to an end the violence of the wicked and make the righteous secure - you, the Elohim who probes minds and hearts”. Elohim created more than just the heavens and the earth - He also knit each one of us together in our mother’s wombs (Ps. 139) and knows every hair on your head (Matt. 10:26-31). Why is this important? Because when we call out to Elohim, we are calling out to the very one who created us and knows us like no other. He knows you because He created you. He knows all your hurts and all all your sorrows. He knows all your joys and all your triumphs. Because He is the All Mighty - we can trust him.

See my new blog post on Habakkuk's Hope. How do we find hope when every thing around us is falling apart?

Blog 1 — Bonnie Majkut Bonnie Majkut 10/23/23 Bonnie Majkut 10/23/23 Habakkuk’s Hope “Look…and watch – be utterly amazed.  For I am going to do something in your day that you would not believe even if I told you” - Habakkuk 1:5I could hear the sirens in the background as my sister began to text me pictures of b...

Sometimes our loyalty and faithfulness are very things that keep us chained to an abusive partner. I know I was deeply committed to my broken marriage and tried desperately for years to repair it. When I did finally file for legal separation, my husband counter on Valentjnes Day, less than 5 days after my original filing. He tossed away 22 years within 5 days because he didn't really love me or us or our family. I stayed in an abusive, loveless marriage for 22 years until finally I realized there was no love for me there - and so I picked up children and took flight. I've NEVER looked back.

Just finished this little book by June Hunt that I picked up at the Bible book store a few weeks back. Domestic violence is absolutely an assault on a woman/person's worth. It belittles people at the core of their being with lies that they are undeserving of being treated or spoken to with dignity. Sadly, this behavior is not outside the church. Many women of faith suffer silently because they are told to be submissive, obedient, love unconditionally, forgive. Scriptures like 1 Corinthians 13 - love keeps no record of wrongs; Ephesians 5 - wives submit to your husbands; and 1 John 4:18 - perfect love casts out fear, are used out of context to keep women/people in these violent marriages and relationships.

Count your blessings! Name them one by one. A grateful heart refocuses us on the things that are truly important.

Mornings with Jesus are a good reminder that His timing isn't always the same as mine. Sometimes I want things to happen RIGHT NOW, and He just says Wait. While I don't usually appreciate it in the moment, hindsight is 20/20. It's during the waiting that He is doing something. He is working in your heart. He is working in someone else's heart. He's saving you from something, or moving things into position to bless you. Ultimately - He who begins a good work in you will carry it out until completion(Phil 1:6). SO rest. BE patient. TRUST that your Father desires good things for you and will makes everything beautiful in His time.

https://www.somuchmyheart.com/religious-and-spiritual-inspiration

Blog 1 — Bonnie Majkut Bonnie Majkut 10/15/23 Bonnie Majkut 10/15/23 Where is your focus? Lately it seems that so many things in my life push me into a place of depression and despair. I’ve been in rough places before – my youngest brother’s su***de, my oldest brothers unexpected death, the burning down of the famil...

See my latest blog post at https://www.somuchmyheart.com/

Let us worship together this beautiful Fall Sunday, and be reminded how GREAT is our God!

Bonnie Majkut So Much My HeartOne woman’s journey of healing from narcissistic abuse and trauma."I’ve commanded you to be brave and strong, haven’t I? Don’t be alarmed or terrified, because the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."JOSHUA 1:9 WELCOME My Writing Biblical Womanhood Read More Essays and...

Those of you following me - I'm working hard on that Instagram account. Apparently FB and IG are linked, so some content crosses over - but my goal is to start making some weekly reels and graphics that focus on domestic violence relationships in the church, rebuilding women who are survivors of DV, and creating a community where we can be heard.

Its time for the Church to address the needs of the thousands of women like me. They are not alone. There is no need for them to suffer in silence.

Iris Martin (@somuchmyheart) • Instagram photos and videos 1 Followers, 9 Following, 5 Posts - See Instagram photos and videos from Iris Martin ()

3rd Annual Worship conference at CLA, 2023

Its been a while since I've written anything because of my TBI - but I've made my first Blog post!!!!

I'm still not sure how to add a comments thread. But if you're interested - check it out. : )

Bonnie Majkut-Lane So Much My HeartOne woman’s journey of healing from narcissistic abuse and trauma."I’ve commanded you to be brave and strong, haven’t I? Don’t be alarmed or terrified, because the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."JOSHUA 1:9 WELCOME My Writing Biblical Womanhood Read More Essays and...

Things my eyes have seen

Flames like tongues
Licking the the roof
Of my family’s homestead
As it burned
To the ground.

Bright red curls
And piercing blue eyes
Starring at me
With my son’s first
Breath of life.

These are some things my eyes have seen.

Small hands
Reaching down
Clinging to rocks
As we each pull each other
Up the side of the mountain.

Eyes wide
With rage
Spit coming at my face
As he screams
I am nothing.

These are some of the things my eyes have seen.

A brother’s grave.
A mother’s tears
Trickle down
Her worn face
As she says her final good- bye.

Another brother
Taken too soon.
A father’s strength as
He carries on
Mowing the hay field.

These are some of the things my eyes have seen.

Two scores of life.
Four decades of
Triumph and tragedy.
Fear and ferocity..
Heartache and Healing.

My family carries on.

I carry on.

Because these are some of the things my eyes have seen.

Well, I did it.

Its not perfect, and its super simple. But I put my writing out there.

Bonnie Majkut-Lane So Much My HeartOne woman’s journey of healing from narcissistic abuse and trauma."I’ve commanded you to be brave and strong, haven’t I? Don’t be alarmed or terrified, because the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."JOSHUA 1:9 WELCOME My Writing Biblical Womanhood Read More Essays and...

They said

They said:
Go to the water.

The water heals.
Cleanses.
Calms.
Soothes.

They said:
Go to the mountains.

The mountains remind.
Of smallness.
Of significance.
Of perspective.

They said:
Go to the land.

The land grounds.
Is solid.
Is steady
Is constant.

The said:
Fear not the desert.

The desert restores.
It rejuvenates.
It settles.
It quiets the heart.

I say:
I went to the water.
I went to the mountains.
I went to the land.
I went to the desert.

I looked for healing.
To be
Calmed and soothed.

I looked to be reminded
of
Purpose and significance.

I looked to be grounded.
To feel the steady earth beneath my feet,
A constant of time and space.

I looked to be restored.
To have my chaotic heart settled
By what thrives in harsh circumstances.

And I found
Beneath the rising of my soul

Brokenness.

I'm writing again.

I was thinking today on my way to the art museum - now that I don't have this weight holding me down, I've realized that the reason my marriage was so toxic was because he knew that he needed me, but that i didn't need him! Without me, he is who is he - a man boy living at home with his parents and still borrowing their car.

It was me who coordinated all the moves.

It was me who got kids in school, did the homework, and went to the teacher conferences - ALONE.

It was me who did the gutters and the mulching and the w**ding and the wood stacking.

It was me who did the grocery shopping, the ironing, the vacuuming, the bed making, the meal prep.

It was ME. And through it all I might have lost my way a little (maybe a lot) but I ALWAYS had a strong sense of self which is why I fought back constantly - because I KNEW he was wrong about me.

I wasn't stupid. I was smart.

I wasn't incompetent. I was capable.

I wasn't unhireable. I was never given the opportunity or encouragement to try!

These are huge differences. The truth is, I outgrew him. I am a tree that was confined to a small container of lies, deceit, and manipulation. to keep me from growing. But now that I have broken the pot, I realize I as a tree all along and he was and will always just be a w**d trying to sn**ch my watch, suck up all the nutrients in my soil because he is encapable of getting his own.

I spent my day at the art museum. 3 hours of writing.

I outgrew him because I refused to stay in the container he created for me. And the feeling of my branches stretching as I write, do new job tasks, try new hobbies, etc is GLORIOUS!

I'm divorced!!!!

And I couldn't be happier!!!!

And neither could my kids!!! No more lies.

The future is ours to build. God is faithful to us.

If you're interested in joining me - PM me. Starting tomorrow I will be teaching my first ever Bible study: Women at the Well.

7-8:30pm Monday nights. Everyone is welcome to come seek Jesus with me. 10 weeks.

Let's heal together. Don't let cost be an issue!

Seeing Beautiful Again: 50 Devotions to Find Redemption in Every Part of Your Story Seeing Beautiful Again: 50 Devotions to Find Redemption in Every Part of Your Story

Another woman. Another voice not listened to. Another family who tried to help their daughter.

Domestic violence is a serious issue in this country - and it isn't just physical.

Financial - I never say one of my pay stubs until 8 months ago. I was given allowance. This intensified AFTER we had children because "we have to keep a budget" - but there was always money FOR HIM.

Emotional - Rest assured THEY are always the victim. Why are you being so cold to me? Don't you realize how much I LOVE YOU.

Love doesn't hurt. PERIOD. So NO - you do not love me, you love YOURSELF.

Psychological/gaslighting - I didn't saw that. Why do you put words in my mouth? You THINK you heard this but what I actually said was different. Something is wrong with YOU.

Spiritual - Don't you want to serve God. You need to submit to me because God made em the authority. Don't you want to be a BETTER wife?

Environmental - Does he block you from leaving a room? Cover the doorway? Block your vehicle in on purpose so you can't leave?

Technological - hacking your partner's email is a CRIME. Putting spyware on the computer to track your web movements. Not having access to your phone without his permission - ALL WRONG.

If you're dealing with anything like this, you need to think and write some things down. Is there a HEALTHY relationship, and if the answer is NO - start talking to some trusted girlfriends and get their thoughts on things. Chances are you'll get confirmation you need to reconsider you relationship and think about moving to a place of safety and freedom.

California beheading victim identified, suspected killer is her child's father who had restraining order A woman beheaded in California has been identified as 27-year-old mother of two Karina Castro and the suspected killer is the father of her youngest daughter.

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/micromanipulation-the-covert-tactic-that-narcissists-use-in-arguments-to-reassert-control?utm_source=pocket-newtab

Micromanipulation: The Covert Tactic That Narcissists Use in Arguments to Reassert Control Here’s how to recognize its damaging effects.

Sometimes where you think you should be really isn't where you should be at all.

So here is the thing.

I was granted a victory on W. God showed up for me and I walked out of court with a smile on my face. I was relieved and happy - a stark contrast to the usual confusing, hurt, and shame that has accompanied all my previous court encounters.

God's Word said that when the the Israelites left Egypt they left boldly - and that was me! I walked out of court bold. Renewed. Confident.

Flashforward two days and I've been attacked and torn down. Language has been used towards me that is harsh and unnecessary. Court orders are being violated, and sure enough once it was clear that I was going to have the victory - the heart hardened.

NO - you are not allowed to do that without my permission.

NO - I did not approve that.

NO - I will not listen.

NO - your freedom will not be so easily won.

All day today I cried in my brokenness and vulnerability. Hurt in the some of the most private areas of my life. Hurt why this behavior continues when it is so pointless and needless.

But thank God for friends and their encouraging words.

You are strong. You are victorious. The Court ruled - he CAN NOT hurt you any more.

By the end of the day - I sit here writing, emotionally exhausted, but so thankful for the wise counsel of those who have rallied around me in my brokenness.

Hang on! I see Pharaoh's army coming for me - but my friends tell God is going to part the Red Sea.

The victory is mine. I just have to hang on and watch God continue to be who He is - AMAZING.

I AM THE VICTOR.

He is not a threat to me anymore.

At the end of Saul's life he wept bitterly because all the hatred in his heart had ruined him. He pleaded with Samuel for the Lord not to take his favor away from him.

How sad it must be to be a person so consumed with vengeance and hate that it becomes impossible for that person to offer any grace, to be civil.

I am SO done with the lies and the sick games.

It is SO sad. But I will NEVER go back.

Not.

Ever.

And in the end - Saul lost it all. His family. His kingdom. His money. His legacy.

He lost it ALL.

And for what? hate? vengeance that would never be satisfied?

No thank you.

I will not be that person. I dust my sandals off. God will do as He pleases.

My job is to please Him.

5 When the king of Egypt was told that the people had fled, Pharaoh and his officials changed their minds about them and said, “What have we done? We have let the Israelites go and have lost their services!”
6 So he had his chariot made ready and took his army with him.
7 He took six hundred of the best chariots, along with all the other chariots of Egypt, with officers over all of them.
8 The Lord hardened the heart of Pharaoh king of Egypt, so that he pursued the Israelites, who were marching out boldly.
9 The Egyptians—all Pharaoh’s horses and chariots, horsemen[a] and troops—pursued the Israelites and overtook them as they camped by the sea near Pi Hahiroth, opposite Baal Zephon.

EXODUS 14:5-9

I knew he wouldn't let me and my children go that easy.

God showed up for me today.

I'm not out of the waters yet - but my feet are on the sand and by the end of September - I will be running on the beach.

I promise - God does not forsake those who trust in Him. He honors the faithful who are willing to give it all to Him.

Fear NOT the desert. The Lion of Judah protects His own. Whatever you are going through - He is pacing the wave for His glory to be seen in you. He has His paws on the ground. Cultivate your heart and prepare a way for Him.

He WILL come for you.

He CAME for me!

Court.

10am.

The end of August is approaching. Here in New England, the end of August signals not only a change of season – the evening air becomes fresher, the mornings crisper – but the end of lazy summer days with no rhythm or pattern. I love New England. While I am proud of my Missouri roots, I truly can’t imagine living anywhere else other than beautiful Connecticut. I’ve always struggled to figure out where I belonged – down in the Ozarks watching my children chase fireflies, or here in New England, sledding and drinking hot cocoa with friends. Do I cheer for the Chiefs – or do I cheer for the Patriots?

Maybe I’ll throw them both out and just cheer for the Bucs!

I think for me, the struggle is trying to find something to define me. Something that will give me purpose and say THIS is who I am.

THIS is what gives me VALUE.

I am a strong southern Missouri girl!

I am an educated New Englander.

My most proud – mother of 6 children!

My most heartbreaking – survivor of domestic violence.

Somehow, I am always searching deep in my soul for peace about who I am and who I want to be because for whatever reason, I never feel quite like I am enough.

And fear creeps in.

Why do I write about this today? Well, if truth be told, I think A LOT of women struggle with the same sentiments but are either too embarrassed or too afraid to admit it. We think – others will judge me, and then I’ll be on the outskirts. I’ll be ALONE, and I can’t have that, so I’ll just keep pretending. I’ll just keep putting on the show. If I stuff it, the feeling will just go away.

But what happens when there is NO WAY to hide it? When our hearts are so torn and broken that there is no way to get through the church service without a flood of tears? When were on the stage, literally, and we have to be escorted off by dear friends because the pain is just so deep?

What happens then?

The last 6 months of my life have been brutal. Absolutely brutal. My heart has been crushed over and over again by vicious lies and vengeful court motions. I have been confused and hurt, in such despair I couldn’t get out of my bed for days other than to use the bathroom and minimally care for my children. And while I know there are people who love me and pray for me, I have felt so incredibly alone at times because how is it possible that a God who claims to love me so much be so silent? My soul has yearned to FEEL His presence and I received silence.

I think if we are honest, we feel this way more than we like to admit – especially if we are church-goers. How can we know the truth about our identity in Christ and know all the Bible verses about God being near to the broken-hearted and STILL feel like we are all by ourselves in this challenging world?

I know I struggle to reconcile my heart and my mind between what I feel versus what I know.

And for me, what I know is to go to Scripture.

When I open up God’s word, I don’t just see stories – I see people.
I see Elijah – who had the most epic Baal versus God event in the history of humankind – flee and lament “I am the ONLY one! Just take me now, Lord” a few days later.

I see David, with his rag-tag group of mighty men, crying out “Everyone is against me – where are you? You anointed me – what is going on?”

I see Jesus alone in the Garden of Gethsemene – “You all couldn’t even stay awake?”

On the Via Delarosa – looking in the crowd through his swollen bleeding eye, stumbling with the weight of the cross. Peter? James? John? ANYONE?

I see Moses – I did what you told me to do “Let me people go” – but he’s not letting your people go! He’s making it harder and now everyone is angry at me.

Do you see yourself in one of these? Alone. The Victim of injustice. Deserted. Confused. Hurt.

What is amazing about these individuals – and countless others in the Bible – is that NONE of them knew that they would be immortalized in God’s love letter to the world as heroes of the faith. Even Jesus, we are told, emptied Himself of certain things so that He could do what His father asked of Him to do. They were all just living their life – one day at a time, just like we do today. The good. The bad. The ugly realities of life in a fallen world.

Elijah did not know that he would one day mentor Elisha or that he’d be taken up to heaven so that one day he can return in the End Times with a message for the world. He did not know the grisly fate of Jezebel.

David knew he’d be king, but I doubt he knew that his poetry would touch the hearts of people more deeply than any other book in the Bible, or that his broken family story and the promise of Jesus would give hope of redemption to broken families for generations to come.

Jesus – well, obviously Jesus knew there was a bigger plan – but all the details? Had Jesus not suffered as He did and rose from the grave on the third day – how many of us would not have the beautiful gift of HOPE? And God’s word tells us that a people without hope perish.

And Moses – the lesson there? God’s plan isn’t always the same as your’s, but how much GREATER is the plan He has mapped out for you! We don’t know what God is doing BEHIND the scenes. The story of Moses isn’t just about the deliverance of the Israelites – its about Moses’ growing faith in God Himself. The story of Moses is about how God took a fearful man from the desert and brought him to a place where his faced glowed for days because he was in the presence of the Lord!

I don’t think Moses ever thought as he was struggling to shake his sandals off that he would be invited into the present of God himself.

I’m not an Elijah, or a David, or a Jesus, or a Moses. But am I part of their group – because God has called me according to His purpose. And like them, I’m just living my life trying to be obedient the best I can. I have a tattoo on my left hand – stacked letters that spell CHOSEN – because whether I am a southern Missouri girl or a northern New Englander – I will always be CHOSEN.

Elijah was called.

David was anointed.

Jesus was destined.

Moses was raised up.

ALL were chosen.

When I drive to work, I see my left hand on the steering wheel – CHOSEN. No matter the hurt. No matter the confusion. No matter the injustice. God is the author of my story, and He is the author of your story, too. And I that is an identity I can holdfast to – no matter what.

He is working in your life, just like He is working in mine, so that our stories can point others to Him. I am NOT alone. He has chosen me to be a witness to His greatness and His redemptive healing, and I want my life to be a page turner! A story that others watch and wonder – what will happen next? How will this chapter end? I don’t know who is reading my story.

Perhaps it is my attorney.

Perhaps it is other women in the church.

Perhaps it is my children – my daughters, especially.

Perhaps it is my extended family.

I don’t know, but this I do know.

My story ends in FREEDOM because

I

AM

FREE.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syhZZ2aXX1E

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Yet another women not heard by the courts.

Half-naked Minnesota lawyer beat ex-wife to death in front of horrified children: criminal complaint Lawyer Anders Odegaard is accused of brutally beating his ex-wife Carissa Odegaard to death in front of three of their five young children, prosecutors say.