The Scarlet Widow

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"How many times have people used a pen or paintbrush because they couldn’t pull the trigger?" -Woolf

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"Imagine that night in our hotel bed. My head on your stomach watching tv. Massaging your thighs and calves. I am tired from our drive to Savannah. You rested, in between giving me head and handjobs to keep me awake. You are reading a book, scratching my head as I drift in and out of sleep. You pause and it stirs me. I turn to look up at you and see the sly, sensuous smile looking down at me. A great night just made better."

"You stare directly in my eyes and linger. I'm overcome by intensity of want, need, affection, fear, and avert my eyes. You raise your hand to my chin and gently turn my face toward yours. You lean up and kiss me on your way to place your forehead against mine, whispering, "Baby, right here. All you need to know is right here. Now look me right in my eyes."

You greet my gaze with this, "And whenever you are feeling lost in a whirl-wind of fear or passion, come home here. It's always here. This moment, our eyes, our foreheads."" -Conversations with Her Beast 🌹

It's

I grieve for love, for loss, for loneliness, for the experience gained from it all. I grieve for strangers wearing lovers' clothing. I grieve for monsters wearing masks of men. I grieve for paramours who could not stay. I grieve the undercurrent awareness of a life I once knew. I grieve the joy I find in spite of it. I grieve faces who will not be in the crowd of my successes. I grieve the empty bed and the cigarette burn hole left in my heart. I grieve on behalf of seven children who must learn to bear reality and tilted heads offering vapid platitudes, who must learn resilience *despite*. I grieve the story birthed in me and the power of my poetry, bloodied, born on the knees of a minstrel midwife, screeching, "Fight on, little fighter. Fight on." 🌹🖤

Thinking of my grief tribe this day. 🖤

And just when I wonder if you've forgotten, you silently return. How long will we do this dance? Pretending this love doesn't exist...🖤

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He didn't hit me, but... he would tell me we couldn't go out because I'm "too pretty and attract too much attention"

He didn't hit me, but... he checked my underwear after a doctor's appointment because the appointment took 15-min. longer than expected

He didn't hit me, but... he told me I'm so stupid no one would ever want to be with me

He didn't hit me, but... he would rage like a beast for hours and call me vile names

He didn't hit me, but... he would call me w***e and slt because he didn't like my clothes

He didn't hit me, but... he ruined my birthday because he became enraged when a woman bought me 2 drinks for my birthday, insisting she was only doing it to hit on me

He didn't hit me, but...told me I drove Dan to su***de

He didn't hit me, but... wouldn't let me have any friends or go anywhere without him or I would pay with a rage session

He didn't hit me, but...he would call and text around the clock and then demand to know why I didn't answer fast enough

He didn't hit me, but... he got upset if I wrote too much of my grief

He didn't hit me, but... he accused me of only posting pictures or Tik Toks for attention

He didn't hit me, but...he got into all my accounts and read my private messages

He didn't hit me, but...he would harass any man he thought I was talking to

He didn't hit me, but...told me dating someone else after we broke up was me cheating because he got to determine when the relationship ends, not me

He didn't hit me, but...he controlled all sexual activity and I was not to decline or he would imply I had ulterior reasons for not doing so

He didn't hit me, but... he bruised and battered my autonomy, my sense of being, trust in my own judgment, my soul.

Y'all are out here trying to forget. I'm out here trying to remember. We are not the same.

Life will never be what it once was, but f**k if I'm going to lose my smile permanently to the abyss. I will find my smile again. And that's a damn promise. 🌹

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Hey all-

I'm bringing my IG poetry page to Facebook officially!

Here's to bleeding on paper 🥂💫

The Scarlet Widow updated their business hours.