The Gelded

PUNTERS have been applauded the honesty of an online subscription tipping service, who have given a 100% loss on investment guarantee on their product.

The tipping company has taken the guess work out of determining whether the service is a scam or not, with punters happy with some refreshing honesty.

“Well, at least they are honest,” said one punter.

“They say there is always another way to do your money in racing, so why not add paying for tips from people who have no idea to the list.”

A WHATSAPP-based Punters Club Group Chat breathed a sigh of relief as Jannick Sinner raised the Australian Open trophy, signalling an end to a three-week barage of obscure, ten leg tennis multis submitted by one group member.

The Punters Club member in question was known to collate a lengthy list of fanciful parlay legs in the hope of jagging a miracle multi across any number of intra-game results.

“It’s hard enough to follow a game of tennis without trying to stay on top of how many service game points have been won, or how many tie-breaks there has been,” said one Club member.

“One multi was ‘Total Breaks of Serve into Most Aces into Service Game Points Total into Sinner H2H into Medvedev to win a set into Set 1 Sinner 6-4 into Sinner Over 1.5 Tie Breaks’ – I mean, who can keep up with that.”

ONE TIME boom galloper The Gelded has flopped in its return to the track following a 112-week spell.

Sent to the paddock in December 2021, The Gelded failed to live up to the lofty expectations of his band of connections in its first and now second preparations.

“We gave him time to mature and develop, but we probably should’ve left him in the paddock for good,” managing part-owner Woodrow McRae said.

At the time of print, connections were unsure as to whether they would look to start The Gelded a second time this preparation.

After a lengthy spell, The Gelded is back. Still cut proud to deliver below average racing and sports news.

OVERWEIGHT jockey Bruce Smith and rotund trainer Wayne Penfold have engaged in a tense post-race meeting stand-off over who would claim the last cold party pie left in the jockey’s room.

Smith, who had not eaten since Monday afternoon and Penfold, who had not eaten since his third steak sandwich after race six were both unwilling to admit defeat in the quest for the sole savoury pastry.

“Look at the size of him - he’d eat Christ off the cross this bloke if they let him,” Smith said of his counterpart.

“The President of the race club told me they butcher an extra steer when he accepts with his horses, that’s how much the fat bastard eats.”

Penfold was also quick to lay the boot into the starving Smith, outlining his reasons why the hoop was not in need of the post-meeting pie.

“The way he rode today, I wouldn’t feed him. I am actually doing the bloke a favour,” Penfold said.

RECENTLY retired country jockey Kevin Harris has joined legendary riders Glen Boss and Robert Thompson in hanging up the saddle this week, however the aging hoop has questioned the lack of media attention surrounding his departure from the industry.

Harris - who rode 104 winners including the Enngonia Cup in a 25 year career in the saddle was disappointed with the fanfare surrounding his retirement compared to that of Boss and Thompson.

“Yeah Bossy rode a stack of group one winners and no one has ridden more winners than RT,” Harris said.

“But neither of them rode an Enngonia Cup winner, so where’s my parade?”.

While Harris’ highest accolade was piloting the winner of the far northwestern NSW Enngonia Cup some years ago, he pointed out that the success of Thompson and Boss was merely down to opportunity.

“I was every bit as good as the pair of them, but never got on the right horses.”

“You could have pulled any sod out of the grandstand and they would’ve won three Cups on the Diva.”

OVERWEIGHT jockey Bruce Smith has this week announced an exciting new secondary income stream, with the ageing postilion launching his new brand of beef jerky.

The heavyweight hoop credited years of dehydrating experience as his main source of inspiration for starting production of the aptly named “Jockey Jerky”.

“It was really the coming together of two passions – dehydrating and eating as little as possible,” Smith told The Gelded.

“Funnily enough, I turned up to the races in my sweat gear after spending hours in the car with the heater on full blast and I happened to see the Clerk of the Scales wrestling with a pretty tough steak sandwich for his lunch.

“I thought, why not put my years of dehydration experience to good use and suck all the moisture out of a nice bit of beef and sell it for a side hustle?”

AFTER another luckless barrier draw, downtrodden owner Jimmy Diggs has this morning jumped to conclusions that the barrier allocations must be conducted by a monkey with a typewriter.

The Diggs owned runner will contest the 1200m maiden at Saturday’s meeting to be held at Inverell and drew the widest barrier for the fourth start in a row, with the plucky owner consigning himself to the fact that there is more than bad luck at play when it comes to his barrier draw woes.

“We’ve drew the visitors draw again, 14 of bloody 14 for the fourth start in a row,” Diggs mused.

“I’m starting to think the bloody barrier draws are conducted by a monkey with a typewriter.”

Despite the draw being conducted by a sophisticated computer system nowadays to ensure complete randomness of barrier allocation, Diggs’ highlighted foul play as a plausible reason for his continued misfortune.

“Me old man and the old handicapper used to get into stinks at touch footy field years ago and Dad reckoned they had it in for us and our horses ever since – it’s a deadest rort mate!”

OVERWEIGHT jockey Bruce Smith has jeopardised a strong book of rides at tomorrow’s meeting at Gympie by indulging in a second helping of steamed lettuce for dinner.

Usually well-disciplined when it comes to eating in the days before riding, Smith’s resolve waned as the steaming pile of wilted lettuce hit the dinner table.

“Sprinkle a bit of salt on ‘em and you’d think you were eating a nice lamb loin chop,” Smith said.

“The jocks room generally smells like stale farts all day too, because that much fibre and roughage can make the guts a bit restless.”

Although considered a very bland and bitter vegetable, the heavy-weight rider has relied on the leafy green in an endeavour to curtail his life-long weight issues.

“I might be a few ticks over when I get to the track but if worst comes to worst, I’ll just weigh-out without irons for the first to make the weight, then whack on the sweat gear and stand under the hot shower between races.”

WORK FROM HOME professional and punter Joel Walton has this week been credited by racing administrators as the sole benefactor for significant prizemoney increases to Sydney Autumn and Spring Carnival feature races in 2022.

As turnover from this year’s Sydney Spring Carnival continued to reach new peaks, Racing NSW this week announced significant prize money injections into the Golden Slipper and Golden Eagle – the latter now exceeding the Melbourne Cup as the second richest race in the country.

The Gelded can reveal that the boost in prizemoney was made possible by significant wagering contributions by Walton, who has supposedly been working from home during the recent Spring Carnival and pandemic lock down period.

“Working from home is great – I am literally getting paid to punt,” Walton told The Gelded.
“I can log in onto the work computer in the morning, listen to the scratchings on the radio and then use my second monitor to switch between my betting account and the races. And of course, the work that I get paid to do.”

A review of turnover by Racing administrators identified Walton’s account as a significant contributor, which has prompted the recent prizemoney increases.

“$10 a race wouldn’t be considered by many to be a substantial bet, but when this bloke is betting on Yonkers trots first thing in the morning, Swinburne dogs late at night and every race in between, we were able to make significant prizemoney increases off his turn over alone,” a spokesperson said.

HIGH INTEREST smart loan lender Trent Anastasio has taken a week’s leave after recording record breaking profits following this year’s bumper Spring Carnival.

The proprietor of the smart loan lender “Fast Money”, Anastasio recorded record profits as punters scrambled to secure cash loans to take advantage of some Spring Carnival “sure things”.
“I knew it was going to be a fat second quarter when there is a 6-4 favourite in the Melbourne Cup and an odds-on pop in the Cox Plate,” Anastasio told The Gelded.

“I’ll take the week off and prepare for the most wonderful time of the year next – Christmas!”

A WINNING OWNER has today described the feeling of winning a race as better than s*x. Well, better than any s*x that he has ever had, anyway.

The owner, whose horse saluted the judge in an under strength Benchmark 52 at Murray Bridge today, was quick to rank the experience as better than any act of copulation he has ever partaken in before.

“I’ve had four or five very steamy rendezvous’ with some very hot ladies, let me give you the tip,” the owner said.

“But the feeling of winning a race is better than s*x!”

FOLLOWING a disastrous spring carnival punting campaign, first year apprentice sparky Carl Wallet can’t wait to get back down to the Club to drill his weekly earnings through the rattlers.

Wallet – or the ‘Roof Panther’ as he refers to himself based on his innate ability to navigate the tight spaces of roofs, described his 2021 spring carnival punting campaign as nothing short of disastrous.

“Jeez, its been a tough campaign. Found a couple of winners in the early part of the carnival, but since Caulfield Cup Day, its been absolutely disastrous on the skyrocket,” Wallet said.

“I just can’t wait to get down to the Club, feed some pineapples into the rattlers and see if I can’t ‘Winny Fortune’,” Wallet laughed.

“They give you free sausage rolls and cans of coke, so what I lose on the punt I offset by low grocery bills.”

AS THE RBA continues to hold the cash rate at a record low of 0.1% and the majority of banks offering next to nothing on their savings accounts, a retired punter has another option to earn some interest from a low risk investment.

Millthorpe punter Warren Brady told The Gelded that backing The Western Australian Wizard, William Pike in the last in Perth will not only get you a better return than investing in shares and property, it’s also as safe as cash.

“With current interest rates being so sh*****se, why wouldn’t you have your savings on Pikey in the last, it’s just as safe,” Brady said.

“Let’s just say the Bank of Pike is keeping the cash economy ticking over.”

True to form, Western Australia’s favorite son steered the Grant and Alana Williams-trained Bright Diamond to victory to round out Saturday’s meeting at Ascot

OVERWEIGHT jockey Bruce Smith has kicked off his all-important Moranbah Cup ride preparations with a nutritious breakfast of seven ci******es.

Speaking exclusively to ‘The Gelded’, Smith said his morning race-day ritual of seven ci******es provided a much needed morning pick-me-up, but also focused the heavy-weight rider mentally ahead of what was going to be a long drive to Moranbah with the heater turned right up.

“They not only keep the worms from biting, but they also provide mental sustenance,” Smith said as he ejected a sizeable spit from his mouth between drags.

“I’ve gotta have my seven gaspers before sunup, it’s the only way to start the day. F**k that was a good spit by the way, look at the size of it.”

THE OWNER of the 2021 Melbourne Cup winner has been sensationally fined $10,000 by Stewards, which included a $9000 penalty for not wearing a tie when on course at Flemington on Tuesday.

In what has been described as the most serious breach of racecourse etiquette in the history of Australia’s greatest race, the winning owner was hauled before the stipes to answer the charges following celebrations on Tuesday.

“Never has there been a more serious breach of racecourse etiquette than a winning owner not wearing a tie,” a spokesperson for the Club said.

“This outweighs the Cobalt scandals, race fixing, jockey betting and the AirBnB debacle - without doubt a Melbourne Cup winning owner not wearing a tie could bring this industry to its knees.”

The total penalty of $10,000 also included a $1,000 fine for breaching COVID-19 protocols.

The owner who shared a winning purse of $4.4 million was approached by The Gelded for comment provided a short statement “Zero f***s given bro.”

PATRIOTIC punter Les Butler was quick to rein in an Australian Melbourne Cup victory this week after realizing that Chris Waller, James McDonald and Verry Elleegant are actually all from across the ditch.

The pro-Australian punter whose been rather vocal of his disdain for the success of overseas raiders in our biggest race was quick to toast the success of a homegrown victory in 2021.

“How bloody good that an Aussie horse, Aussie trainer and Aussie jockey won the cup this year,” Butler celebrated.

However the celebrations were short lived when Butler realized that despite the trio dominating Australian racing for the best part of the last decade, they were all in fact Kiwis.

“They’ve been over here that bloody long I thought they were Aussies, but yeah I forgot they were bloody sheep shaggers.

“I suppose we lost the Bledisloe this year so it makes sense we’d lose another bloody cup.”

BROKEN Hill grandmother Barb Bailey, who has managed to tip the last six Melbourne Cup winners, this afternoon received a call from her oldest grandson Josh for the first time in 12 months.

Bailey has had an unprecedented run of success on Australia’s most famous race and was delighted to hear from her grandson, coincidentally 12 months to the day since he last called her.

“Joshy calls me the first Tuesday of every November,” a proud Bailey said.

“I love my grandson, but he never asks about me or how I am going – he only wants to know what I’m backing in the Cup.”

“I figure – if he backs the winner, then he is less likely to bite me for money any time soon.”

DESPITE debilitating state-wide staff shortages and chronic remuneration disputes, overworked and underpaid secondary school teacher Dale Dunbar has managed to set aside a small window of his day to do form, place a suite of bets and watch this year’s Melbourne Cup.

The wily physical education teacher had devised a cunning plan to ensure his students were taught their life defining curriculum as well as allow him to conduct some study of his own.

“I set the kids up with an educational video and a comprehension task and sit up the back and thumb through the form guide,” Mr Dunbar said.
“I’ve hijacked four different colours of pens and six different highlighter colours from the staff stationery cupboard just to do the form.”

Mr Dunbar had originally planned to take the day off, however a written warning from his Principal for taking too many leave days prevented the experienced educator from enjoying yet another long weekend.

“I figured I have the weekend off and enjoy myself, then have a leave day on Monday to work out my form lines from Derby Day and review a few of the all-important lead up races, then take a sickie on Tuesday.”

“Unfortunately, I’m banned from taking any more leave. 12 weeks a year just isn’t enough.”

AS VICTORIANS prepare for their annual Melbourne Cup public holiday tomorrow, The Gelded can confirm a petition to make The Everest day a public holiday in NSW has gained significant momentum with 8.4 million signatures.

Spokesman from The Gelded Woodrow McCrae confirmed that its comes as no surprise that the petition had snowballed.

“I know the idea was kicked around a few years ago to make The Everest day a public holiday, but the race is a dead set tour de force and makes the Melbourne Cup look like a two mile handi-crap,” McCrae said.

“It’s no coincidence that 8.4 million signatures have been received, because everyone in New South Wales has signed the bloody thing to get a day off.

“Why should those Mexicans get an extra day off and us north of the Murray-Darling have to keep the country going.”

To find and sign the petition look on The Gelded Facebook and Instagram page's

HARNESS racing fan Todd Harper thinks Melbourne Cup favourite Incentivise will benefit from the addition of “can’t see backs” to sharpen the gelding up ahead of stepping up to 3200m.

Incentivise is the dominant $2.30 favourite for the Melbourne Cup after an ultra-impressive Caulfield Cup victory, however Harper’s keen eye thought the Peter Moody-trainer galloper might need a crucial gear change ahead of the event.

“He look’s like he needs to be sharpened up, so the “can’t see backs” will do that to keep him fresh enough to run the two miles,” Harper said.

Harper also provided jockey Brett Prebble with some sage advice on how best to ride the horse in Tuesday’s $7.75 million feature.

“Position him one out one back off the mobile, pull the deafeners at the 800m and set sail for glory.”

INVESTMENT broker Tony Bellucci this morning gave one of his clients “the most risk-free investment advice ever”, by suggesting he make a significant wager on Incentivise to win this years Melbourne Cup.

Bellucci, who recently opened up his own investment broker business after his questionable departure from a rival firm, encouraged his financially clueless client that a substantial bet on the current Cup favourite Insentivise would be the remedy to resolve his money issues.

“I’ve never seen a safer investment. Put the house on it mate. Don’t even speak to your wife, just do it.”

“In simple terms, if you put your house on the horse to win – and when he wins – you will have two and a half houses, it’s like stealing money from the church charity basket.”

HAVING backed the last six Melbourne Cup winners, Broken Hill grandmother Barb Bailey will have her tips included in the official form guide.

Bailey has been credited with having the highest strike rate of any tipster in the two mile feature and says she has a very simple formula when assessing the chances of the 24 runners.

“I always pick the birthdays of all 14 of my grandchildren, plus any grey horses, any horses with pink colours and any horses with girl jockeys. Yeah the girls!” Bailey said.

“The only number I don’t pick is 13, because it reminds me of 2013 when I overcooked the pork roast at Christmas. What a horrible day.”

DUBBO socialite Jodie Thompson has been forced to correct a meaningful punter on the origins of Derby Day during oncourse celebrations at Dubbo racecourse on Saturday.

When questioned as to who her tip was for the 2021 Victoria Derby, Thompson, who is a member of the Dubbo social elite, was quick to educate the punter on the beginnings of one of the biggest days on the racing calendar.

“I think you will find I am right – Derby Day started in Dubbo, not Melbourne,” Thompson said.

Despite the first running of the Victoria Derby dating back to 1855, the ‘woke’ Thompson doubled down on her lecture to the unsuspecting punter.

“The Derby is run at Dubbo, hence the name ‘Dubbo Derby Day’. I’ve been to the last 17 Dubbo Derby Days and not once have I heard about this race at Flemington.”

Billed as “Dubbo’s Biggest Party”, Dubbo Derby Day attracted a capacity COVID-19 restricted attendance of 2000 punters.

Dubbo Turf Club