The Secret Professor

I am writing acknowledgements. Examples of some of the best and worst, please. e.g (worst?). 'I could not possibly thank everyone who helped me to write this book'; (best?) 'I do not thank the second reviewer for their thoroughly mean and useless comments'.

How your teachers can get you wrong.

'I graduated yesterday and just wanted to thank you for everything you have done for me. You were an essential part of my university journey and have been very kind to me. I appreciate all the kindness you have shown me by trusting me with the little tasks you gave me. I appreciate all the times you gave me the opportunity to learn from you and understand how to be better.' When students make all the sh*t worth it.

‘I am trialling a new approach to inbox management to reduce the culture of urgency. I shall respond when I have the time, instead of contorting my life (and often my bladder) in the struggle to adhere to your sociopathic expectations that I respond yesterday.’

I am subjected to Microsoft Teams new 'Profanity Filter'. Me: 'So for the Greeks, friendship was important to their philosophy as well. I mean, that friendship included s*x. You know they ******** each other. They ******** younger . . . I don't know what they did but, you know, if you're writing about philosophy and friendship and being Greek, that's worth looking up.'

Tools of the trade #2. Someone on Twitter sent me this. This one must be for colleagues though, not students.

I knew things were tough at work but I didn't realise it had got THIS bad.

Book titles with words in the wrong order. Inspired by a student (I didn’t make up the first one below):
The Wrath of Grapes. Twist Oliver. The Tale of the Wife's Bath. Potter Harry. The Lightness of Being Unbearable. Chatterley's Lady Lover. Lost in Search of time. Adventures in Alice's Wonderland. Flies of the Lord. Quiet the American. Thousands and One a Night. Horse War.
Your suggestions please.

You know you've been teaching too long when you realise you used to teach Lacan to first years. In their first fricking semester.

You know you've been teaching too long when you remember that a virtual learning environment was called an actual building.

You know you've been teaching too long when you realise you used to teach Lo**ta.
1. No-one complained.
2. The students read the book.
3. Some students read more Nabokov.

Laryngitis. COMPLETE voice loss. Wishing I'd done a course on mime.

'We hope you are enjoying the wonderful weather!' The University Wellbeing Centre. Meanwhile, the planet burns.

A short story is a bonsai.
A short story is a firecrest.
A short story is when you almost come but not quite.
(A successful short story leaves you wanting something more). https://secretprofessor.blog/2022/07/13/a-successful-short-story-leaves-you-wanting-something-more/

A successful short story leaves you wanting something more. (For Judith) A short story is pub closing time when you’ve not finished your drink. A short story is very distressed, very expensive jeans. To state the obvious, a short story is shorts. But it is …

'Dual authentication meant being asked to do two totally contradictory things at once. It meant that whenever he wanted to log on, he had to fly down three flights of stairs, rummage through several half-unpacked bags and find his smartphone in order to tap an app with the smiley face that said, "Yes, it really is me." Each time, he was in a race against the effects of ageing.' How to lock yourself out of your own work account. https://secretprofessor.blog/2022/07/11/why-your-porn-star-name-is-not-a-good-university-password/

Why your porn-star name is not a good University password The online health & safety courses the University required him to take or retake each year were multiplying as fast as the rabbits on campus. There was the online course that told you how to ar…

'There was the course telling you not to spend too much time online. It was online, of course.' The proliferation of University Health and Safety online courses. https://secretprofessor.blog/2022/07/11/why-your-porn-star-name-is-not-a-good-university-password/

Why your porn-star name is not a good University password The online health & safety courses the University required him to take or retake each year were multiplying as fast as the rabbits on campus. There was the online course that told you how to ar…

‘Dear Professor. I am sorry I did not make the tutorial this morning. The problem is I don’t do mornings. Could we reschedule for tomorrow afternoon?’

The chutzpah reminded him of Gertrude Stein’s response to the philosophy exam on William James’s course.
https://secretprofessor.blog/2022/07/04/chutzpah/

Chutzpah ‘Dear Professor. I am sorry I did not make the tutorial this morning. The problem is I don’t do mornings. Could we reschedule for tomorrow afternoon?’ The chutzpah reminded him of Gertrude Stein’s …

'The obligation on them to provide pastoral care was so emphatic he truly believed it was in danger of usurping teaching as his primary function. He resented the Gospel of Pastoral Care, not least because the very concept of pastoral care was Christian.' https://t.co/iMC2YBfaXy

The Gospel of Pastoral Care The obligation on them to provide ‘pastoral care’ was so emphatic he truly believed it was in danger of usurping teaching as his primary function. Pastoral care was gospel. It was the higher truth,…

Tries to get to grips with University's new e-learning resource 'designed with an emphasis on simplicity and ease-of-access'. 3 hours later, gives up and signs up to 'Getting Started' course (90 minutes).

‘Student-facing support staff are being moved to a hub where they will work in close proximity with other student-facing support staff.’ (Oxymoron: a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction).

‘Staff in the Office for Student Wellbeing are currently experiencing wellbeing concerns, due to an increase in student wellbeing concerns.’ (Tautology: saying the same thing twice in different words).

Never been happier not to be a book louse.