Kim Gronsman Lee, MD

The other day a resident said to me “I don’t even notice babies crying anymore!”

…

“In my distress I called upon the LORD.. I cried! … he heard my voice” and then: He came down in His power and glory.

As a baby.

Not just for NICU parents but also for anyone who wants to help them…

If you have just had a preterm baby, welcome. Welcome to the exclusive club you never wanted to join. I welcome you because you are my sister now. Initiation is a bitch, but I promise you at the end of this you will find strength in yourself you never knew you had. I am not going to tell you everything will be alright – that would only be dismissive of the totally legit worry you have. This is hard, hard stuff. But I can tell you that you can do this. You are strong.

A few things I wish someone would have told me when I became the mother of a premature baby:

1.

Take all the help you can get. When people ask if they can help – refer them to the list below.

2.

Be aware you might not make as much breast milk as a full term mommy for a variety of reasons (your body didn’t have as much time to start making milk, you may have had a traumatic birth, your placenta may not have come all the way out on its own, you were probably separated from your babe shortly after delivery, etc). Lots of people in those first days will tell you it’s your job to make milk for the baby and then your body may not cooperate. It is one of life’s cruel jokes and it’s not your fault!
3.

Did you hear me when I said “it’s not your fault”. I want to repeat this again – none of this is your fault. There are drug addicts that have perfectly healthy full term babies so it is not your fault, or your body’s fault. There are a million reasons you can go into premature labor and bad luck is one of them. Treat yourself nicely and get help if like me you felt insanely guilty over something that you logically know wasn’t your fault.
4.

On the other end of the spectrum you may not be feeling guilty. You may be PI**ED! Pi**ed at your doctor, pi**ed at the hospital, pi**ed at your higher power, pi**ed at the freaking world. Why did this happen to your baby!?!?!? Feel free to get angry – just try and channel it in the right way. Like try not to focus it ALL on the NICU nurses, they are good peeps and they work hard (that is not to say that you can’t complain to the Charge Nurse if it is warranted).

5.

Don’t feel like every mom but you is with the baby 24/7. They aren’t, or if they are they will pay for it later. Go home and get some sleep. As the NICU Nurses love to say “You have the most expensive babysitters in the world” – use them! You aren’t going to make it through this marathon if you run at full speed the whole time. Pace yourself.
6.

Don’t feel bad if you don’t think your baby is cute. Seriously, it is hard sometimes to see past the tubes and wires to that cute little earthling underneath. They look different than you are expecting, see through skin and fur were off-putting to me at first and then I felt guilty for not thinking he was the cutest thing in the world (yeah I had a lot of guilt)

7.

Take lots of pictures and journal – you are in shock -you may not remember anything later and may want to know what the heck just happened.

8.

On that note – take whatever “memorabilia” you can from the hospital – their first pacifier, first diaper (not the ACTUAL first diaper because that is disgusting, but one of the leftovers when they move up a size), anything that will show their tiny size and will help get through to all the people that might want to visit when they go home just how fragile they are.
9.

Decide whether you want to go public on social media or keep things private. Even if you are keeping it just family and close friends you may want to designate one person to keep everyone updated so you aren’t constantly sending updates. Sites like caringbridge.com can help you disseminate information or email and Facebook work as well.

10.

NICU moms are more prone to Postpartum Depression (see guilt and anger above). If you even think that this might be happening then go talk to someone. Your OB, the NICU Social Worker, a therapist. Just start talking.

11.

Make some premie parent friends. No one can understand the emotional roller coaster like another parent of a premie. Although, one word of caution – steer clear of the parent that tries to play the “my baby is getting better faster than your baby” or “my baby is sicker than your baby” game. All our babies are in the NICU for a reason and we all need support in our lives. I found my tribe through the preemie baby board on inspire.com, handtohold.org and through the NICU social worker who introduced me to other premie parents.

“Remember your little ones, Lord : and give us courage to stand for them.”

What if there isn’t a “them?

What if we are ALL small? - and ALL His?

“Listen, Lord, listen : not to our words but to our prayer.”-Common Prayer

Take comfort in His intercession even when we have no words. He knows our hearts—and His own mind!

(Romans 8:26-27)

More baby steps— thanks to Scott Erickson

There’s grace for your pace….⁣ ⁣ with all that you planned to carry⁣ all your strategies of help⁣ all your goals of change….⁣ ⁣ it takes time⁣ ⁣ it takes so much time⁣ ⁣ always longer than you thought⁣ ⁣ and that’s a grace too…⁣ ⁣ that our timelines wouldn’t always go as planned⁣ ⁣ because Providence carries us to unforeseen destinations⁣ ⁣ and thank God we don’t have it all figured out.⁣ ⁣ ⁣ We’d miss one of the joys of living:⁣ ⁣ ⁣ Holy Surprise.⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ #graceforyourpace #visiodivina #spiritualdirection

Truly scarier than even the motion-detecting spooky decorations that startled me on our twilight walk through the neighborhood last night 👻

October is
RSV is NOT a made illness to scare parents or anyone else.

Preemie parents have been very aware of how dangerous it can be for years now!!

Take it seriously please 🙏

attending:

“There is no one right way to do everything … what matters is that we stay with God”- to paraphrase a comment I recently heard (that stuck). Thank you Emily P. Freeman for the reminder!

"God meets us where we are, not where we pretend to be."

Dr. Larry Crabb—a mentor, author, and a teacher of mine who I miss—said this phrase I think of often. It seems fitting for us as we consider all the ways we might be trying to do and be just right.

Absolutely cannot wait for Curt Thompson, MD’s latest release.

Even if suffering, and the Pauline epistles aren’t your favorite topics — I promise you (from having read a couple of chapters): the HOPE is real:

Suffering is a defining reality of life. Yet so many of us are so focused on avoiding discomfort that we've never learned how to actually suffer. But what if we could move from anxiety to durable hope?

In "The Deepest Place" (releasing Tuesday, Aug. 29), I invite us to explore how the Apostle Paul's experience of love, secure attachment, and the deeply felt sense of God's abiding presence carried him through the challenges he faced--and how it can help us not just survive, but flourish in the presence of suffering.

Combining scripture with my own professional insight, I help us discover that:

🌊 Suffering can increase our sense of security rather than our fears.

🌊 Hope is something we form in community.

🌊 Faith can grow out of anger, cynicism, and doubt.

🌊 Perseverance changes our brain and reshapes our imagination.

🌊 Listening to our bodies helps us find new hope in loss.

this book will hopefully show you that those who have suffered greatly, including the Apostle Paul, are able to see their stories with a new understanding of God's presence and unfailing love.

Learn more and consider purchasing at https://curtthompsonmd.com/books/

(we were just talking after faculty meeting yesterday about “adventure”… and Nicole Zasowski’s reminder is timely!)

Sit on His lap:

When the Psalmist says, “Be still and know that I am God,” he is saying there is an intimate knowing of God that only comes in stillness. Why not close your eyes for a few minutes now and be still today?

When Jennifer Dukes Lee thinks of boundaries she thinks of pigs— when I think of boundaries I think of babies and developmental positioning 😂 but the beauty is the way God speaks to us where we are:

I was washing dishes when I saw it out of the corner of my eye—a pig roaming free in the back yard, its pink rump shimmying in all its corpulent glory.

This caused alarm for 3 reasons.

1 - The pig was not ours and had ventured far from home.

2 - While I am a pig farmer’s wife, I do not have advanced pig-herding skills.

3 - As I surveyed the yard, it was quickly evident that the pig had made use of its rooting instinct. Our yard looked like Swiss cheese.

This sent me out the door faster than you can say “pork chop.”

I was no match for the pig. This wasn’t a charming little Wilbur-type pig. This beast was about the right size to become bacon.

The pig turned its snout toward me, gave me the side eye, then went back to digging. 🐽

So I did what any sensible farm wife would do: I picked up a handful of landscaping rocks and began hurling them at the pig, along with a string of obscenities, for which I have asked—and been granted—forgiveness from our Lord. 🤬🐷

The pig trotted off. I hurled more rocks and choice words. Do you recall the moment in Scripture when Jesus sends demons into a herd of pigs, and they all dramatically plunge off a cliff to their deaths? I haven’t cross-checked the Greek or anything, but I personally believe one of the pigs escaped. It has been roaming the earth for the last 2,000+ years so it could terrorize me. 🐖

At last, the pig’s owner came over, apologized profusely, and retrieved his animal.

Moral of the story: Fences are really important.

In all honesty, the farmer had fences. So do we. But sometimes, fences give way. Sometimes, fences need mending.

WE ALL NEED FENCES -- mended and secure. In our everyday lives, fences look like the word “NO.”

Fences are boundaries. Good fences protect and preserve the beautiful things you’re growing.

Like farmers’ fences, your fences define where your responsibility ends and someone else’s begins.

This is also true for the boundaries required in personal relationships. You can set limits and be a loving person at the same time.

Put up the fence. Mend it. Your “no” is as important as your “yes.”

Peace, love and bacon, 🫶🏼- JDL

“The days are long but the years are short” IS true .. but the fact remains that, during a long day, we are feeling the long day.

Thank you Jennifer Dukes Lee:

Hard seasons, it seems, are unavoidable. And I am not going to wrap a happy bow around the hard things in your life.

Each of us gets to decide how we will remember a hard year or a hard season. You have every right to feel terrible about seasons that have tested you. You have every right to mourn the losses.

And also... I am beginning to see that in seasons of struggle, I had a bravery in me that I didn't realize at the time -- but not the human kind of brave that gets awarded on stages and athletic fields. This is the kind of brave that is only possible through Jesus. It’s the kind of brave where Jesus shows himself strong in our weakness.

This is my prayer for you as well.

One day, my dear friend, you will look back on this moment and realize how brave you really were.

Makes me think of how impatient we can get with babies’ milestones in the NICU… wanting to fix things, tweak things, hurry things along…

(Thank you Jennifer Dukes Lee!)

Why do we rush ourselves in a way that God never does?

I marvel at the fact that God didn't send us to earth with our maturity, spirituality, character, and intellect intact. He brought us here as babies, so we could learn and grown and develop OVER TIME.

Think about that for a moment.

In my life, God could have walked away from me when, at age 16, I began to doubt His existence.

He could have walked away when, at age 22, I made poor life choices.

He could have walked away when it took me YEARS to come to the conclusion that He was REAL.

Heck, He could have walked away from me last week.

Instead, He's the God who stays. He's the God who enjoys watching us grow, bit by bit, over time.

Spiritual growth takes time. Raising kids into maturity takes time. Forging deep friendships takes time. Building a business takes time.

We are trained to think that it takes courage to move through life with efficiency and speed. But real courage comes in slowing down. Let's stop rushing things that take time to grow.

God isn't disappointed that your growth takes time. So you don't have to be discouraged either.

🧡 -- JDL, your slow-growth coach

This graphic 😍

Holding sensitive little ones with care:

Growing is ongoing …

Our physical bodies may long since have reached maturity, but our spiritual and emotional selves are always growing and changing. Go easy on yourself. Becoming who God made you to be is a lifelong process that has nothing to do with achieving perfection and everything to do with learning just how beloved you are. 🌻

Prophetic word from my spell check — an invitation to rest in our beloved mess / belovedness 😅

Little things!! Thank you, Jennifer Dukes Lee 🎉

Don’t dismiss the gift of small.

Your small progress is still progress.
Your small church is still a church.
Your small faith is still faith.
Your small start is still a start.
Your small family is still a family.
Your small house is still a house.
Your small contribution is still a contribution.
Your small voice is still a voice.

We think it's all the big things that are going to change the world and make a life meaningful. But it's all the little things added together that make life matter.

🖤 - JDL

This is the heart behind my book, Growing Slow, which you can find on sale here: https://bakerbookhouse.com/products/241206

Babies know how to attend:

“When you were a baby, before you knew words, you knew how to meditate. Silent self-reflection and boundless observation of the outside world is an infant’s wheelhouse. You spend the whole first chunk of your life in constant meditation, but you get distracted by a need to communicate with other people. You forget to listen to yourself. But babies are just little humans. And little humans grow into big humans. It’s really just a matter of remembering.”
~Jessamyn Stanley

Babies: love or fear them?!

Long before I had any idea what a neonatologist was … I played with this 🤣

We all need to be held 💗

We are all journeying… thanks to Kayla Craig and Amanda Held Opelt for another liturgy for parents:

Anyone else?

Thanks Jathaniel Cavitt

One of my favorite things to say at work (about the babies and all of us adults) = “doing our best” 😃

Thank you Ordinary on Purpose, by Mikala Albertson

❤️❤️❤️

“Toe walking” redefined 😳

💥YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!💥
IYKYK🤣🤣
If you have never had a baby in the NICU chances are you are thinking, "WTF?" That is a perfectly acceptable reaction to this fake news.

“Am I willing and determined to hand over my simple naked self to God?” - Oswald Chambers

Babies get handed over naked, helpless, slimy and (at best) screaming.

Let’s be real living sacrifices!
(Romans 12:1)

What if we don’t have to compare or compete but just… come alongside?

❤️❤️❤️

You can’t spoil a newborn!! (Oh so much deep spiritual truth here…)

“You know what you do with the youngest one, don’t ya???” this sweet elderly gentleman asked peering into my newborn’s carseat, smiling.

Curious, I responded, “No, what?"

His eyes flickered a little with nostalgia as he replied, “You just hold ‘em every chance you get.”

It’s my favorite piece of parenting advice ever.

My eyes drifted over from the shade of our park bench to my bigger kids playing on the swings. With my oldest already a tween, I understood completely.

“Thanks. I’ll sure try.”

And I did.

I bounced her in the baby carrier on walks through the neighborhood or along the sidelines watching her big brothers play soccer.

I cradled her tiny body against my chest in the warm bath to soothe her colicky tummy.

I perched her on my hip and attempted to keep her pudgy little fingers out of the peanut butter jar as I slapped together sandwiches for lunch.

I held her ALL THE TIME.

Even now.

I still hold her in so many ways.

She reaches instinctively for my hand on our way into the grocery store, and I make sure it’s free.

We ride doubles on the swings, and her eyes dance as she hollers, “Higher momma!!”

Each night she shuffles through the dark to my side of the bed, and I snuggle her back to sleep in the glow of her nightlight. Listening to the gentle in and out of her breath.

I hold her…

Every chance I get.

I looked up from the stove the other night, and there she was. Reaching up her arms. Wanting to be held. And I remembered that sweet gentleman’s advice.

So, I turned down the heat under the pan and plunked on the lid. Dinner could wait.

She’s heavier now. And as I hoisted her up, I noticed how her feet brush against my knees. But we danced around the island in the kitchen anyway. Twirling together. She laughed as we spun, and I realized…

I’ll ALWAYS hold her.

Even when she no longer fits in my arms.

I’ll hold her little hopes and dreams. I’ll hold her in her sadness or fears. I’ll hold her up in prayer. And I’ll ALWAYS hold a place for her in the center of my heart.

I’ll hold her the best way I know how.

Because that’s what you do with the baby…

You just hold ‘em every chance you get ❤️

We all have ongoing stories:

The hard part is over!” “Are you excited to move on now?” “It must be so nice to have this all behind you.” As always, these statements are said with a pure heart and pure intentions. Being in the NICU is hard and being discharged from the NICU should be celebrated! But it’s crucial to remember that while a NICU mama may be moving forward with their child’s NICU graduation, the journey of the NICU isn’t something that is simply left behind. 💕

On the outside looking in, it can seem like the NICU journey is a momentary event spanned over a specific amount of time. But the more we understand trauma and how trauma is stored in the body, the more we understand that trauma healing is lifelong healing. And having support from loved ones is crucial in this healing process. 💕

So what might this support look like? It might look like honoring *all* parts of her motherhood story. The grief and the joy. The messy and the contained. The mourning and the celebration.

It might look like shifting language from “The hard part is over!” To “I am committed to loving you through every season you walk through. I’m not going anywhere.”

It might look like checking in and creating space days, months, and years after their NICU discharge. (Especially on anniversaries or birthdays!)

The reality is, it’s so hard to see your loved ones journey through the NICU. Your support and your love is what carried them through the NICU, and it’s your love and your support that will continue to carry them through once they are home.

Commend them for graduating from the NICU. Commit to walk with them once they are home. 💕 

True! (Even with the punctuation issue)

Lovely thoughts about chaos from Lisa-Jo Baker!

“Practice bearing empathetic witness…” -Sarah Bessey

I’ve been wondering lately whether the self-blame we adults often lay upon ourselves in the NICU gets in the way of empathy. We don’t even let ourselves feel sad.

What if we can practice attending to ourselves and to each other, as well as to the babies?

Addiction and trauma expert Gabor Maté once wrote that, “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” I've been thinking of that phrase "empathetic witness" for a bit now because in many ways, religion taught me that I wasn’t an empathetic witness to my own life. I had to learn how to do this the hard way.

Perhaps today is a good day to practice bearing empathetic witness to our own selves and to one another, to bear witness to our stories and truths, our experiences and joys as well as our sorrows and losses. I don't know if that "cures" trauma - that's above my pay grade - but it does matter in our bodies, our minds, our souls.

Bear witness to your own becoming with empathy, I have a hunch it will be glorious.

Kangaroo care is hugely important for premature babies (and their parents)!

Instead of asking “is it safe for this baby to kangaroo?” we now ask “is there any reason we can’t let this baby kangaroo?”

🤣🤣 Kangaroo Care ❤ 🦘🦘

Grow like the babies!

Just like the babies, we must adapt and change in order to grow and develop.

“patients…naturally assume that their doctors are the ones who decide how much time to spend with them and what to charge them for care.”

The Moral Crisis of America’s Doctors The corporatization of health care has changed the practice of medicine, causing many physicians to feel alienated from their work.

Maybe “attending” has to do with “determination”. And He attends to us even more than we attend to Him..

One of my wiser senior colleagues often chastises us for rushing too much!

And lately I’ve been wondering:
Would Jesus even run to a code? He didn’t run to Bethany when Lazarus was sick. And yet He was there right on time.

He is always present, always healing.

When I was a little girl, they taught me that the smartest kids were the first to be done with the timed math tests.

When I was a teenager, they taught me that I needed to hurry up and figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

When I was in college, they taught me that if I wanted to be successful, I had to work harder and climb faster than anyone else.

At my first job, they taught me that overworking myself was a badge of honor.

When I got married, they taught me that I needed to have kids before it was "too late."

When I had kids, they taught that I needed to get them to grow up and hurry up -- on out the door.

Rush. Hurry. Hustle. Climb. Advance. Go, go, GO!

But then I turned around and realized that I only have this one life.

And once I realized I am not going to be on this earth forever, I decided to stop treating my life like an emergency.

I decided to walk, instead of run.

To always make people -- not projects -- my priority.

To stop treating myself as an afterthought.

To respect my own boundaries.

To eat amazing slow-cooked food, take the long way home, pull over to the side of the road for a beautiful sunset, laugh when I want to, cry when I need to, and be an actual human person.

I used to to think that it takes courage to rush through life. But real courage comes in slowing down.

So this is my promise to myself: I will stop rushing things that need time to grow -- including me.

A reminder from my book, Growing Slow: https://amzn.to/42v7hv2 (affiliate link)