The Yorick Dialogues

The Yorick Who Gives…

*

Me: Yorick, honestly, that box is for the household and guests…

Yorick: It’s all mine, now.

Me: Is this your lame attempt to hoard, stealing our eco-friendly box of loo-rolls?

Yorick: You could say it’s my so-loo-shun to the problem.

Me: Ugh, Yorick, that was lame…

Yorick: Hope you’re not in a rush, I could be here for a while.

*

Lockdown Yorick – Le Masque

*

Me: Yorick, you’re wearing a mask!

Yorick: (Sardonically) Yes.

Me: But...

Yorick: Before you start with the smart remarks about my being Zero Risk, I am wearing it on principal.

Me: Oh. Right. But...

Yorick: What? Are you going to discriminate against me because I don’t have lungs? I’m allowed to wear a mask if I want to! I have every right to wear a mask!

Me: Yes, yes, of course you do Yorick. It’s not that...

Yorick: What, then? What is it?

Me: You don’t have any ears!

Yorick: (Muted spluttering noises.)

Yorick: So, you have finally finished.

Me: Yes. Your thoughts?

Yorick: My thoughts are that you took your time. Could it have taken any longer? Did you tie one hand behind your back?

Me: As I’ve explained...

Yorick: Yes, yes – life. I know all about life, believe me. Fie! I will say something for it though – your painting, I mean.

Me: Yes?

Yorick: I like the final touch.

Me: Oh? You mean the...

Yorick: Yes, the big swipe of white and the large word in capitals – it really adds gravitas.

Me: (CENSORED.)

*

Yorick: My small and ephemeral contribution to politics:

Numpty Trumpty sat on a wall,
Numpty Trumpty had a great fall,
All of his MAGA and bigoted men
Couldn't be Trumpties together again.

Wishing America some peace and sanity for the next four years.

Me: What's the measure, Yorick?

Yorick: You're asking me??? Can't you read?

Me: That's a big number for a rain gauge...

Yorick: Does this mean the drought's broken?

Me: No need to be facetious, Yorick.

*

Yorick - Well Balanced

*

Me: It’s usually best to maintain the balance, wouldn’t you agree, Yorick?

Yorick: (Abysmal groan) Oh, yes, naturally. Look at me, a fine example, well balanced...

Me: Do you need a hand?

Yorick: Yes, just you reach down here and I’ll grab hold and heave...

*

Me: How do you feel, Yorick?

Yorick: I could weep tears of joy!

Me: Yes, the relief of millions is almost palpable, isn’t it?

Yorick: Almost, yes...

Me (Sotto Voce) What are you doing there, Yorick? With your hand?

Yorick: Wiping away tears – I’m weeping.

Me: Weeping?

Yorick: Well, figuratively speaking, at least.

*

Me: What about ‘Monday Memories’, eh, Yorick?

Yorick: (Muttering) ‘Monday Murmurings’...

Me: Memories, Yorick. Hey, remember that time you asked for a drink?

Yorick: (Mock surprise) What? Only the once?

Me: Or that time you were going to cook for us – we waited a while for that vegie bolognese...

*

Yorick: Top Ten Favourite Books – Number Two
*
Me: Are you polishing your dance steps, Yorick?

Yorick: You know this has nothing to do with dancing.

Me: It is an odd thought...

Yorick: The Dance of Death?

Me: You, dancing.

Yorick: (Sepulchral groan) I can relate to the character of Death in these pictures.

Me: Do you have a favourite?

Yorick: The Painter.

***

Me: How long is it now?

Yorick: Months. It has been months.

Me: And you still won't play?

Yorick: Never again!

***

Isolation with Yorick, Part One: Monopoly

*

Me: Come on Yorick, it's your roll...

Yorick: (Sulky silence).

Me: Come along, Yorick, there's no need to be glum - you chose the cat, I chose the dog - that's just the way it is. No, we can't swap.

Yorick: (Dismally accusatory silence).

Me: I'm waiting for you to take your turn - please just roll the dice...

Yorick: You do realise you're dicing with death?

Me: (Disbelieving eye roll...)

Yorick: Top Ten Favourite Books – Number One

*

Yorick: (Muted hummings from behind closed door) Hm-hmmm...

Me: (Opening door) Yorick? Hello, what are you up to?

Yorick: (Cursing and looking as embarrassed as one with his physiognomically challenged facial features can) Begone! You’re interrupting my study!

Me: Sorry, Yorick. What are you studying? Anatomy? Are you sure you’re not just reminiscing? Feeling nostalgic over days gone by?

Yorick; (Emphatically) This is a very heavy book – I feel absolutely certain it will leave a severe dint in your forehead if you don’t leave me in peace...

Me: (Exiting, post haste) Bye! Enjoy!

Yorick: (Muted once again) Hmm, what a finely shaped femur! And those patellas...

Me: Say, Yorick, What do you think the name 'Rowling' means?

Yorick: Arguing loudly in a feline manner?

Me: Happy Birthday J.K. Thanks for all the magic. (Which reminds me of that time...)

Yorick: Oh, no, not again...

***

Yorick - On Literature

*

Me: What are you reading, Yorick?

Yorick: Some fool’s tale about pottery – not a mention of pots, yet; not even a whisper of clay...

Me: Give me a look – oh, you’re reading ‘The Deathly Hallows’ – it’s a book about a school for wizards, Yorick – nothing to do with pottery.

Yorick: I can see that it has nothing to do with pottery – nothing could be more obvious! The main character’s name is very misleading!

Me: (Raising brows, woggling head) Just because his last name is Potter, doesn’t mean...

Yorick: If you have the name Potter, you ought to be a potter! Smith, you beat red hot iron; Roper, you weave twine; Fisher, Miller, Shepherd... Back in my day, a surname meant what it said!

Me: What, as in ‘Shakespeare’, you mean?

Yorick: Don’t start with the bard humour!!!

Me: Alas, Yorick, it has already begun...

Me: Do you ever feel nostalgic, Yorick?

Yorick: Nostalgic? Why?

Me: (With a deep sigh) You know how people do that thing on Thursday, where they recall something which happened in the past and...

Yorick: Thursday Throw-up? Is that what you are referring to?

Me: Um, almost, Yorick, almost...

Yorick: (In doleful tones) I suppose this means you are going to post something embarrassing on my page again...

Me: Do you remember that time you sat out in the garden waiting for Spring?

Yorick: Tell me you didn't have a camera back then...

*

The Yorick Dialogues updated their website address.

Yorick: Are people liking my page?

Me: Yes, Yorick, they are liking your page.

Yorick: People actually like me?

Me: It seems to be so, Yorick.

Yorick: Does this mean I can now become admin, instead of you?

Me: No, Yorick.

Yorick: Why not? I want to be admin! It’s MY page!

Me: Look, Yorick, not to put too fine a point on it, but your tech skills are a little ... outmoded.

Yorick: Outmoded?! Me! I’m using this camera, aren’t I? Photographing birds!

Me: Um, did you put any film in it?

Yorick: Film?

Me: Yes, you know - the stuff the photos appear on.

Yorick: But, is this camera not digital?

Me: Outmoded, Yorick. But classic. Like you.

Me: Is that better?

Yorick: Can you move your fat head?

Yorick – Shooting Birds
*
Me: Out with the old camera, I see, Yorick.

Yorick: (Invisible eye-roll) Obviously...

Me: What are you after?

Yorick: (Sotto voce) Birds, if you’ll be quiet...

Me: Ah, the garden is full of them these days – the yellow-rumped thornbill, zebra finch, white-plumed honeyeater...

Yorick: (Sharply) Acanthiza chrysorrhoa. Taeniopygia guttata. Lichenostomos penicillatus. Taceo! Et quietam, Moron!

Me: Yorick! Language, please! By the way, lens cap.

Yorick: What?

Me: Have you seen any birds since you peered through the lens?

Yorick: No.

Me: Lens cap.

Yorick: (Stream of violently abusive Latin, closely followed by the flight of dozens of small birds of various species.)

Me: Hey, Yorick, can you play me ‘Heart and Soul’?

Yorick: Stop. Stop, now.

Me: (Sigh...)

Me: Here's Yorick's very own page! He's sooo excited - positively rattling with enthusiasm! Here you will find tales about Yorick and his amazing journey through lif... er ... existence, from the very first day he arrived at our home in his cardboard box...

Yorick: Do we have to mention the box?

Me: You're the one who wants to be famous - people want to know these things...

Yorick: Famous, or notorious - not ridiculous.