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Link to courses and CEUS: https://three-makes-baby-preparation-and-parenting.teachable.com/p/home
Link to IDCAD2023: https://donorconceptionawarenessday.com/
Fertility challenges can cause intense feelings that make you want to withdraw and hide. It’s important to understand the difference between secrecy and privacy and how the shame of infertility may live on.
Secrecy is when you actively withhold information from others, often out of fear or shame. This can be detrimental to your mental health and relationships as it creates a sense of isolation and can lead to feelings of guilt and shame. It takes a lot of effort and energy to maintain a secret, and the longer you keep it, the more it can weigh you down.
On the other hand, privacy is when you choose to keep certain information to yourself or within a trusted circle. This can be a healthy way to protect your personal boundaries and maintain control over your own life. It’s important to remember that you have the right to privacy, and it’s okay to set boundaries around what you share with others.
If you’re struggling with fertility challenges, it’s important to find a support system that you trust and feel comfortable opening up to. This could be a therapist, support group, or trusted friends and family members. By sharing your experiences and feelings with others, you can find a sense of community and support that can help you navigate this difficult time.
While it’s important to protect your privacy, it’s also important to recognize when secrecy is doing more harm than good. By opening up and sharing your struggles with others, you can find the support and understanding you need to overcome fertility challenges and move forward with your life.
secrecy
Ever wondered what it would be like to meet the donor you used to conceive? A recipient parent, Romi, and her previously unknown s***m donor, meet and share their experience with Jana Rupnow on this episode of Three Makes Baby.
21/10/2022
How can loss can be acknowledge without the need to rescue a child from negative feelings? A child can feel very wanted and also feel sadness and loss. If you need to work through some of your feelings as a parent, can help.
17/10/2022
Parents still sometimes tell me they don't want to tell their child about their genetic origins because they want to protect them from feeling loss, or feeling different or getting comments from peers. But genetic secrets don't protect children from harm. They instead can cause harm.
Learn more about why secrets hurt by taking my parenting Level 1 course. Go to Bio links or www.threemakesbaby.com.
13/10/2022
Your wound is probably not your fault, but healing is your responsibility.
12/10/2022
09/10/2022
What can you do as a parent to encourage communication about donor conception or adoption?
Start communication early.
Look for opportunities to talk about the subject
Tell your child that your are open to talk about it anytime they want.
Do the emotional work yourself to become aware how your feelings are blocking this conversation.
(Three Makes Baby book on amazon will walk you through the emotional preparation you need to speak openly to your kids.)
07/10/2022
Adoptees and donor conceived people often imagine a fantasy family when they wonder about their genetic roots. This is how they fill in the mystery or missing information to make it feel more concrete. This fantasy thinking can turn into a lifelong coping mechanism.
07/10/2022
Parents may mistakenly think their children don’t have any questions about their missing genetic information or disconnected relations if they never bring the subject up. That absolutely could be the case or there could be other things at work under the surface.
Most kids won’t bring the subject up with their parents and here are some of the reasons why:
Loyalty to parents
Fear of hurting parents feelings
Repressed feelings
Confusion
Undeveloped communication skills
Taboo topic
Fear of alienation
Want to know how to help your child? Follow and watch for the next reel!
25/09/2022
The podcast hit 100,000 downloads a few months ago! Three Makes Baby podcast is at 107,000 downloads and growing up each day.
TMB host and professional fertility therapist , , is working on new episodes so catch up if you haven’t already. Listen on all platforms.
05/06/2022
Inherited traits show up in so many small ways. People LOVE to talk about them too. It’s called family resemblance talk and super common! Take notice in your interactions. Being left out of family resemblance talk affects adoptees and DCPs, even though they probably won’t tell you about it.
Why? Since family resemblance talk and genetic mirroring is taken for granted by most people, they can’t imagine a world without it. So, this issue is disregarded by most people. Adoptees and DCPs have also been conditioned to feel grateful for having a home or being alive, that most people dismiss this as meaningless. However, a sense of belonging is a basic building block in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and a feeling of not belonging can have an enormous impact on a person. How can we help adoptees and DCPs feel a strong sense of belonging even when genetic mirroring is missing? Thoughts?
02/06/2022
I’ll show you how with Three Makes Baby Mini-Courses. I’m excited to offer level one for those intended parents who are new to donor conception or adoption.
The course is for you if:
You found out you need a donor to conceive, or if you’re feeling overwhelmed and confused.
If you or your spouse feel like keeping it a secret.
If a family member or friend doesn’t support openness, buy it for them.
You want to tell but something is holding you back.
This course is not just for parents with little ones. If you haven’t told your adult child it’s not too late. Take this course to prepare.
Link in bio for instant access. Course includes PDF of workbook ($12.99 value) and access to my private Facebook community.
29/05/2022
Dave Berry, featured on Good Morning America and the New York Times, bravely shares a difficult discovery about his biological origins. His biological father was his mom's fertility doctor, who used his s***m without her consent to conceive him.
There are some even darker details in this episode, as well as moments of once in a lifetime happiness. If you think it's rare for biological siblings in different families to bump into each other, you may be shocked by the story he tells about his sisters.
Dave's resiliency and compassion to help others is truly inspiring. He is speaking out to create a safe space for fertility patients in all 50 states. Listen to this episode of on Apple podcasts or use the link in my bio. Watch for Dave's story to be featured in a future Dateline episode.
24/05/2022
"What should you say if someone compares your genetic traits to your child's traits when you don't share DNA. Here are some options:
"She has your eyes."
Be Direct,
"Well, actually that's not possible because we used donor s***m."
Emphasized shared traits that aren't DNA related,
"She sleeps like me."
Re-direct the statement to focus on your chid's uniqueness,
"I see so much in her eyes."
Family resemblance talk is common small talk in the baby years. It's a way we connect with each other. When talking about your child's donation conception, you'll walk a fine line between privacy and being open. Expect some discomfort and tell yourself it's good for you. With personal growth there is almost always some discomfort.
How do you talk about family resemblances when you don't share genetics with your child?
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23/05/2022
Many intended parents go into the process of donor conception with little knowledge.
How do intended parents know if they are receiving accurate and research-based information instead of anecdotal experiences of the individuals helping them conceive?
Intended parents have to be their own advocates for care and research on their own. Many parents come see me who have done extensive research. Many have had traumatic experiences and been misinformed along the way.
To help intended parents seek accurate information, I collaborated with an attorney in Dallas to provide 30 questions you can ask your donor program, whether it's an agency, bank or clinic.
Get a copy of the thirty questions in the companion guide to Three Makes Baby, called Three Makes Baby Workbook on Amazon. Watch my reels for examples of some of the questions to ask.
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Even when parents are advised to tell their children from the start, many families still have not said anything to their child about donor conception before middle childhood. In 2011, a small study showed that only 34% of donor conceived families told their child by age 5. Many parents meant to tell their child sooner but as time slipped away, they felt more uncomfortable talking about the topic. If you're telling your middle school aged child for the first time, here are 3 tips to help you talk about it:.
1. Try using an activity or game to create a natural teaching momemt. The game of Life provides a natural opportunity to talk about having kids.
2. Don't over-explain. Keep the conversation as simple as possible but answer any questions. Some kids will ask questions and others won't.
3. Prepare yourself emotionally BEFORE you talk about it. If you're upset, your child will pick up on those feelings.
If you told your child in middle school for the first time, let us know how it went in the comments.
17/05/2022
The preschool years (ages 3-6) are a stage of rapid development. Preschoolers are stretching their cognitive abilities by learning new life skills, independence, and knowledge that they will need as they prepare for kindergarten. Preschoolers love to ask why?
Why is this insect red? Why do bunnies hop?
When talking about donor conception they may ask "why" questions. Answer them as best as possible with language they can understand.
• "Mommy or daddy had to go to the doctor to get help to have you."
Why?
Because (mommy/daddy or both) had something inside that wasn't working right.
Why?
I don't know. Sometimes things just don't work right. You know how we couldn't figure out why your toy wouldn't work even after we put batteries in?
The conversation may end there and move on to another topic since little ones have short attention spans. Preschoolers also have BIG imaginations so you never know where the conversation will go! Share a conversation you've had with your preschooler. Check out a great book for preschoolers by
You can start talking to your child about her conception story right away. I'm sure you know that talking to babies stimulates their language development. Did you know that children who are talked to more frequently as babies know more words by age 2? It's easiest for parents to be open about donor conception with their child right from the start. In the baby years, your conversations will obviously be a one-way conversation. As you're talking with them, you can use simple phrases to share their conception story without having to answer questions yet.
Why start so soon?
Answer: To practice and get comfortable with open communication.
You may not be sure how to talk about donor conception or feel 100% comfortable but it's a good time to start practicing. You'll have time to grow comfortable with the language that creates your unique family narrative while your child is an infant. Don't worry, they won't remember any clumsiness just as they don't remember how you fumbled through the first few diaper changes. Start with simple phrases like, "We are so thankful we got help to have you." Talk to your baby when your rocking him to sleep, dressing him or giving him a bath. You can also start reading story books, like to your baby.
For more ideas of what to say, grab a copy of Three Makes Baby
Feel free to share phrases you've used in the comments too.
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09/05/2022
Ally's Take on Neverending New Siblings- NEW podcast episode with host and Ally of .
In this episode of , Ally shares how her relationship with a growing number of half-siblings has evolved over time, including some of the challenges.
She shares what it's like to learn of new siblings and how she copes with not knowing how many more are out there. I know you will enjoy her honest and thoughtful perspective as always!
Parents, if you wonder how your donor conceived child may experience half-sibling relationships in adulthood, you won't want to miss this episode.
It was so great to talk to Ally again and after two years, she has a special announcement about her podcast!
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08/05/2022
Family resemblance talk is common in the baby years but gradually becomes less important over the years. Your child's personality and unique traits are celebrated and loved as they grow. Need some easy phrases to help you respond to comments about family resemblance? Check out my reels and posts with the image for ideas. I've also tagged some dc parents to add their insight.
Share in the comments below or in my live story some of the comments you received and responses you've given about your child's family resemblance.
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07/05/2022
People love to talk about who your baby looks like. "She looks like the Jones side of the
family." "She has your eyes but where'd she get that hair?"
Instead of feeling pride, parents through donor conception may get uncomfortable with these comments.
Family resemblance talk is common small talk and a way families bond.
Parents want to model honesty and openness without giving away personal or sensitive information to an inconsiderate audience. It may take some preparation for some parents to be able to respond effectively to family resemblance comments. It's like learning a new dance routine.
Some parents will pick it up quickly while others will need more practice in these social situations before it becomes comfortable. Expect some discomfort and with personal growth.
An exercise that can help you sharpen your social communication skills is in the workbook called Consider If. Pick it up now, link in bio. How do you handle these situations?
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06/05/2022
✨The fantasy family✨
Did you ever wonder what your life would've been like in another time, another place or another family? Most children fantasize. It's a normal part of development to engage in
magical thinking as they figure out what is real and what is not.
For adoptees and donor conceived children, this "other life possibility" is even more real so it is common for children and adults with unknown situations to fill in the blanks with a
fantasy family in their mind. It may start as magical thinking in childhood and continue as a fantasy as they age. It can be difficult for adults to learn that the real people are not as fantastic as they thought. After all, they are real people with flaws and it's hard for anyone to live up to a fantasy.
You can help your child with this by filling in the blanks with concrete information, like a photo of the unknown kin, as they grow up. To learn more about this, Listen to podcast episodes with Gail Donor Conception and Beyond, (a de recipient parent) and Emma (a de adult). Listen to podcast on all platforms. Link in bio to listen.
04/05/2022
Were you encouraged to donate your embryos anonymously through your clinic? Do you know if your embryos will be kept together or split between several recipients? How will you talk to your kids about having full biological siblings in they don't know in other families?
Do you think known embryo donation is best?
03/05/2022
We talked about this in the Donor Conceived 101 live on Wednesday. Watch it if you haven’t yet. There is a difference between secrecy and privacy with your child’s donor conception, but when does the line get blurred too much?
Are you avoiding sharing with people?
Do you tell yourself, it's not a big deal so I'm not going to make it one?
Are you using privacy as an excuse to be secretive?
Take courses to help you overcome fears and gain confidence with open dialogue.
Three Makes Baby Courses:
Level 1: Preparing to Tell
Level 2: Parenting with Confidence
Link in bio to access.
What you get in the course?
✅Seven steps to get you emotionally prepped for donor conception communication.
✅Messages and video lessons from me, Jana Rupnow, LPC.
✅PDF of Three Makes Baby Workbook ($12.99 value)
✅Access to private Facebook group for parenting through donor conception.
Exercises designed to help you work through your fears and concerns about talking about donor conception.
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Redefining family resemblance talk. Here’s some examples to help you!
27/04/2022
“She has your eyes.” Instead of feeling pride,
a new mom tensed up as she held her newborn. Her baby girl was conceived with a donor egg and her cousin didn’t know about the donation conception.
Should she correct her cousin and tell her about the donor in that moment?
She could say, “Well, actually that’s not possible because we used a donor egg”
Or she could just smile and say, “I see so much in her eyes.”
Family resemblance talk is common small talk in the baby years. It’s a way we connect with each other. When talking about your child’s donation conception, you’ll walk a fine line between privacy and being open. It’s like learning a new dance routine. some parents will pick it up quickly while others will need more practice in these social situations before it becomes comfortable. Expect some discomfort and tell yourself it’s good for you. With personal growth there is almost always some discomfort.
How do you talk about family resemblances when you don’t share genetics with your child?
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27/04/2022
It’s time and I’m ready to learn!
26/04/2022
What is your story? Is there secrecy there?
What's holding you back from telling? These are thoughts that can be scary but Ignoring the them doesn't make them go away, It just makes you less equipped to handle them down the line.
If you’re having trouble talking about donor conception, reach out for support. My level 1 Prepare to Tell course has 7 helpful steps to prepare to talk about donor conception. Link in bio.
25/04/2022
How do you find a known donor? Join us live on Wednesday April 27 to talk known donation 101.
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25/04/2022
Parents Q&A: How to answer the hard questions (from others and from your child). Join us LIVE on Instagram on IDCAD (Wednesday). will moderate a Parent Q&A with three recipient parents of different aged children, , and , and a donor conceived person, .
When: Wednesday at 2 pm CST!
Where: IG LIVE
Who: For parents through donor conception, parents preparing to use a donor or currently pregnant via donation.
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23/04/2022
Genetic bewilderment is a term used in the adoption community but it can also be applied to donor conceived people.
Genetic bewilderment is a widely accepted concept after first being introduced in the adoption field in the 1950s. The confusion that results from not knowing a person’s full genetics can result in distress, lack of security, and mental health difficulties. Genetic misidentification can result in identity formation challenges, especially disrupting the adolescent years of development. When secrets about donor conception are kept, the late-discovery of genetic misinformation commonly causes identity disruptions and breakdowns that can create a psychological crisis.
How can you minimize genetic bewilderment for your child? Start with being honest with your child from an early age about their genetic origins.
Also, I teach a concept that Brodzinsky’s research indicates is helpful called, Distinguishing behaviors. You can learn how to do this as a parent.
Sign up for my next workshop to learn. Link in bioZ
21/04/2022
In honor of IDCAD next week, audio is now 20% less in Apple Books! SAVE $$ and buy your audiobook copy on sale through April 29th.
19/04/2022
As we get closer to what is it that you're preparing to share?
If you need some tools to help you, head to the link in bio to check out my podcast or to get your copy of my book also available now on Audible !
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